Send a post wedding announcement and be done with it.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
My fiancé and I want to have a small, intimate wedding for close family and friends only. We chose to get married where my grandparents live so they could attend, as they no longer travel. Some members of my extended family live there as well, and they are also invited. Other aunts and uncles who live out of state are not invited. How do we tactfully announce our upcoming wedding to the out-of-towners without inviting them? How do we stop the guilt trips? For what it’s worth, we are paying for the wedding and reception ourselves and are not asking for any gifts. Another reason we’re keeping it small is my family is much larger (and louder) than my fiancé’s, and he doesn’t want to feel overwhelmed at his own wedding! When I’ve explained that, it’s been dismissed as silly. Any sample dialogue would be much appreciated so we can stop feeling sneaky and defensive when the subject of invitations comes up!

—Outnumbered

southernbelle0915

TDLR; I am having a small wedding and I feel guilty about it. What wording should I use for announcements?

"LW and LW's husband were married on (date) in (place)." Pick a card you like in VistaPrint and mail them. VOILA!

flantastic

I think she's thinking of telling all family before the wedding - not necessary, but I can see where she wants to head off Grandma talking about it and other family being "What? They're getting married when?"

However, the solution there is to tell Grandma the guest list and just send the announcements after the fact. No need to bring the drama into your life by announcing "You're not invited" and trying to justify it.

bleve0821

I do not understand this "announcing our upcoming wedding" business.  We announced our engagement, but not the wedding.  Why would you notify people who won't be invited of the details of a wedding (which is how I'm interpreting any and all wedding announcements)?  I feel like it's enough to say, "Hey, everyone!  We're engaged!"  People can usually infer a wedding is coming after that, and it's so much easier to bean dip when no one knows the details.

Heffalump

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
My fiancé and I want to have a small, intimate wedding for close family and friends only. We chose to get married where my grandparents live so they could attend, as they no longer travel. Some members of my extended family live there as well, and they are also invited. Other aunts and uncles who live out of state are not invited. How do we tactfully announce our upcoming wedding to the out-of-towners without inviting them? How do we stop the guilt trips? For what it’s worth, we are paying for the wedding and reception ourselves and are not asking for any gifts. Another reason we’re keeping it small is my family is much larger (and louder) than my fiancé’s, and he doesn’t want to feel overwhelmed at his own wedding! When I’ve explained that, it’s been dismissed as silly. Any sample dialogue would be much appreciated so we can stop feeling sneaky and defensive when the subject of invitations comes up!

—Outnumbered

Well, it's a sad day in America when someone feels the need to bring this up as some sort of accomplishment, but I digress. 

I agree, I would just send announcements afterward.  This is also why I'm a fan of circles--I can see how someone could decide to invite certain aunts and uncles, I guess, but that would never fly in my family.  All or nothing is so much simpler, and it's easier to say "We had a small wedding and unfortunately couldn't invite aunts and uncles" rather than "Well, we invited Uncle Bill because ____ but didn't invite Aunt Sue because ________."  Awkward, and potentially hurtful.

And bean dip, bean dip, bean dip.

short+sassy

Heffalump said:

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
My fiancé and I want to have a small, intimate wedding for close family and friends only. We chose to get married where my grandparents live so they could attend, as they no longer travel. Some members of my extended family live there as well, and they are also invited. Other aunts and uncles who live out of state are not invited. How do we tactfully announce our upcoming wedding to the out-of-towners without inviting them? How do we stop the guilt trips? For what it’s worth, we are paying for the wedding and reception ourselves and are not asking for any gifts. Another reason we’re keeping it small is my family is much larger (and louder) than my fiancé’s, and he doesn’t want to feel overwhelmed at his own wedding! When I’ve explained that, it’s been dismissed as silly. Any sample dialogue would be much appreciated so we can stop feeling sneaky and defensive when the subject of invitations comes up!

—Outnumbered

Well, it's a sad day in America when someone feels the need to bring this up as some sort of accomplishment, but I digress. 

I agree, I would just send announcements afterward.  This is also why I'm a fan of circles--I can see how someone could decide to invite certain aunts and uncles, I guess, but that would never fly in my family.  All or nothing is so much simpler, and it's easier to say "We had a small wedding and unfortunately couldn't invite aunts and uncles" rather than "Well, we invited Uncle Bill because ____ but didn't invite Aunt Sue because ________."  Awkward, and potentially hurtful.

And bean dip, bean dip, bean dip.

Not to mention, it sounds like the criteria they used to choose some aunts/uncles, but not others, is who lives near the ceremony.  Unless they can't invite all the aunts/uncles due to size and/or cost, they should just invite them all.  I'm getting a whiff of "we don't think they could come because it is OOT, so we're just not inviting them".  Instead of letting their potential guests make their own decision about coming or not.