Etiquette

Abigail Ray

edited May 18 in Etiquette
Dear etiquette people,
My partner and I are getting married this summer after a very short engagement. We decided to push up our plans to get married due to my father's sudden and terminal illness. Because of this illness, we will be traveling out of state to Michigan (where my parents live) to get married.

 Here's our problem: we are not religious and don't want to have a pastor or phony website stand-in as the person who marries us. We have a friend in Wisconsin who is a judge and we would love for him to marry us. But after multiple calls to Michigan authorities, they will not allow him to legally marry us in Michigan.

We were thinking about just signing the paperwork and say the necessary vows before the wedding to make it official, and see the wedding in Michigan as the real thing, but now I see a post about how terribly rude "re-dos" are. What should I do? 

Re: Abigail Ray

  • I understand that, but we already asked this friend to do it. I only have a month and would rather not have to interview a totally new person. 
  • Have this person do the online ordination process for Michigan. 
    DrillSergeantCatOurWildKingdomMesmrEwemissJeanLouise
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Would your judge friend be okay with doing a ceremony that's not legally binding? A wedding happens when you become legally married. The rest is a party and for show.

    Would you tell your guests that they're not witnessing a wedding? Do you think that would affect how much interest they have in actually attending? People care about the part where you are making a real, serious legal commitment to one another. They don't care so much about the show of it.

    Anniversary

    InLoveInQueensshort+sassySP29OurWildKingdom
  • You'll need to find someone ordained in Michigan. Either have your friend get ordained ASAP or hire someone else. How long does the interview process take? Hopefully your prospective officiants will be flexible given the timeframe.

    InLoveInQueensOurWildKingdom
  • ernursejernursej member
    Tenth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    LD1970 said:

    If there's no time for the Wisconsin judge to get ordained in Michigan, I'd see if a local officiant who would be legally able to marry you in Michigan is willing to do a joint ceremony with your judge friend.  That way your Wisconsin friend is still "officiating" unofficially, while the local officiant is there to make it all legal - all at the same time.  

    If not, then I'd have the Wisconsin friend do a reading during the ceremony legally officiated by the Michigan officiant.  Again, that keeps the Michigan friend involved, but everything's legal and all at once.


    I really like this compromise!
    DrillSergeantCatInLoveInQueensILoveBeachMusicOurWildKingdom
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I assume you want to get married near your parents so your father can witness your marriage before he passes. If you have your friend do it in Wisconsin, your dad will not be seeing you get married and you will have defeated your purpose.
    mollybarker11SP29OurWildKingdom
  • Sigh... while I feel like the public commitment and vows are the important piece on a transcendent level for a marriage, not the paperwork, and profoundly disagree that this would be a sham or a mere show, I assume there may be people like those who responded to this message at the wedding. I will ask our friend to get ordained through a non denominational service. 
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer


    Sigh... while I feel like the public commitment and vows are the important piece on a transcendent level for a marriage, not the paperwork, and profoundly disagree that this would be a sham or a mere show, I assume there may be people like those who responded to this message at the wedding. I will ask our friend to get ordained through a non denominational service. 


    If you'd file the paperwork with the US Gov. with one marriage date and your family thinks you have a different date, there's a problem. 

    If you're up front about it it's one thing.   It's pretending that you may not have married that's different.   I like your option of friend getting ordained. 
    CMGragainOurWildKingdom
  •   Thank you for at least acknowledging the difficulty and pain of my father's illness. It's hard to get ripped to shreds by strangers on the internet when I'm genuinely just trying to get this thing done in a kind way while taking care of and grieving my father. I am not belittling any one else for what is important to them in a marriage, and asked because I would hope people would give me an honest but at least kind and understanding answer.. I hope everyone else can have a little compassion for how difficult this is. 


  •   Thank you for at least acknowledging the difficulty and pain of my father's illness. It's hard to get ripped to shreds by strangers on the internet when I'm genuinely just trying to get this thing done in a kind way while taking care of and grieving my father. I am not belittling any one else for what is important to them in a marriage, and asked because I would hope people would give me an honest but at least kind and understanding answer.. I hope everyone else can have a little compassion for how difficult this is. 


    I don't know exactly what you're going through but I can imagine it's very difficult and painful and I truly am very sorry. 

    You'll have to forgive us if we seem harsh. Unfortunately many many ladies come here wanting to justify having "reenactment" type wedding events after already being legally married. Every single one feels that their situation is unique and justified. I think perhaps we are a bit quick to gloss over the "reason" and cut right to the chase. I promise everyone here only has the best intentions, and didn't mean for you to feel ripped apart.

    My wedding is also very close, so I can understand the amount of stress involved to pushing up the date. We only started planning in February and I feel like it wasn't nearly enough time.  I really sincerely hope it all goes well and that your friend gets ordained in time. 
    OurWildKingdomahoywedding
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited May 18
    Look, you want to be married in front of your father. There is a clear definition of what married is. If you want to be married in front of him, you need to find someone who legally is able to do it. 

    Im sorry your father is unwell, but you want to be married in front of him. This means you need to actually get married. If you want to do a commitment ceremony, that's fine, too. But if you choose this route, no matter what you do, you won't be married in front of him. 

    Its rubbish, and I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but there are several solutions here. 
    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueensSP29
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Have the judge friend get "ordained" for Michigan if they're willing to do so.  Problem solved.  How far are your parents from the WI Border?  The "Bogus" ordination sites online exist for this very reason.  IMO, there has to be a JOP in Michigan who is willing to perform the ceremony for you or if your parents have a minister/priest/reverend/etc.  ask them.  
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    DrillSergeantCat
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