You don't have to be angry, but stop paying the rent.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
I am going through an excruciating breakup. We were together for two and a half years and broke up a few months ago after my former partner decided she needed time to “find herself.” I am doing the best I can—I’m in therapy, I left our shared apartment to her (but still pay half the rent so she won’t end up in debt), leave her alone but respond any time she texts. Usually she only texts to ask if I’ve paid rent or to send drunken ramblings about “not being OK.” The next morning she will quickly reassure me she is fine, which I doubt based on some of her actions.

Per the advice of my friends and therapist, I am trying to move from feelings of sadness and worthlessness into a healthy dose of anger. And I have plenty to be angry about: The rent she said she needed to not go into debt, I’ve since found out she put toward a European vacation this summer. Her drunken texts to me have been followed by her drinking and driving, despite my pleading with her not to, offering to give her a ride or call her a cab. She isn’t taking care of herself and surrounds herself with people supportive of these behaviors. I’ve also recently found out she is back on an online dating site, after telling me she wanted to break up with me because she wanted to find “self-happiness.” She has every right to date, but this has me reeling back into those thoughts of worthlessness after she told me the breakup wasn’t because I was a bad partner but was because she needed time for herself.

Do you have advice on how to turn the sadness into anger? My support system all seems angrier than me, but I just can’t bring myself to think about her in that way (even though it might be the truth). The rose-colored glasses are off, but my emotions seem to be lagging behind on the unfortunate things I’ve learned about her in recent months.

—Love Sucks

kimmiinthemitten

LW needs to cut all contact.  Block her number, stop paying rent, leave mutual friends alone for a moment and move on.

banana468

The relationship has ended.   While I can understand not wanting someone to be in debt or destroying her life, it's also not your responsibility to babysit or be to finance the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed.

Tell her that the rent checks have stopped and you wish her well.   Block the phone number.  Make sure you're off the lease and stop being lead around like you're a puppy.   

kvruns

Stop the rent and block her number.  You don't have to be angry, or perhaps she is someone who's anger comes out as sadness instead, it doesn't have to look like what everyone else thinks it should. 

lyndausvi

On a financial note if the LW is on the lease, than they should continue to pay the rent.   If not, the ex could stop paying altogether.  Eventually an eviction notice, collections and ruin the LW's credit.  Which can have 7+ years of issues for the LW.  Higher interest rates, not being able to get an apartment or house, etc.    

Assuming they are not on the lease, then for the love of god stop helping and cut off contact.

 If the LW is on the lease, still pay some rent to make sure they don't go into default, but give it directly to the landlord and cut off contacting the ex at all.    ETA - if they are on the lease, try to figure out how to get off.   Some landlords are easier to deal with than others.  If they can't get out, then put in notice NOW that they will not be renewing.

short+sassy

While I agree it was the right thing to do to pay half of the rent for 1-2 months, it's nuts the LW keeps paying it.  They both should have spoken to the landlord or property management about breaking the lease and just splitting whatever penalties would be involved.  I don't understand why that didn't happen, quite frankly.

But, the bigger issue, the LW isn't over this woman and hence why he/she is still hanging on, despite everything that happened.  Cut the cord, stat.  This is just crazy making.

And if the ex ends up self destructing, that's on her.  We can't control the actions of other adults...as much as we'd like to sometimes!  People have to make their own beds.

missJeanLouise

Sometimes part of finding yourself is doing some "destructive" things. LW needs to cut contact and stop paying rent if they aren't on the lease.

bleve0821

I've never been to therapy, so maybe I'm way off base, but the therapist is telling LW to be angry?  That seems... Odd?

I'd find a different therapist.

missJeanLouise

atomicblonde said:

I've never been to therapy, so maybe I'm way off base, but the therapist is telling LW to be angry?  That seems... Odd?

I'd find a different therapist.

It does but LW might have issues burying feelings or completely avoiding things.... so while it might seem weird to us, it is impossible to know whether or not this is good advice for LW or not.

kvruns

missJeanLouise said:

atomicblonde said:

I've never been to therapy, so maybe I'm way off base, but the therapist is telling LW to be angry?  That seems... Odd?

I'd find a different therapist.

It does but LW might have issues burying feelings or completely avoiding things.... so while it might seem weird to us, it is impossible to know whether or not this is good advice for LW or not.

that is my guess too. Or thinking that LW is still hanging out in sadness/love mode and hasn't moved on to seeing the bad in the ex. 

charlotte989875

Why in the world would be/she pay the ex and not property manager/landlord directly?! If LW is on the lease pay, but pay directly. If she doesn't pay her have that's on her. And work with the landlord to get off the lease ASAP. 

missJeanLouise

charlotte989875 said:

Why in the world would be/she pay the ex and not property manager/landlord directly?! If LW is on the lease pay, but pay directly. If she doesn't pay her have that's on her. And work with the landlord to get off the lease ASAP. 

I thought of it more as LW's ex was using the money she would have paid on rent if it were all on her to save for a European vacation instead. LW said EX will text to see if he paid the rent so that makes me think he wasn't paying her directly.

lyndausvi

charlotte989875 said:

Why in the world would be/she pay the ex and not property manager/landlord directly?! If LW is on the lease pay, but pay directly. If she doesn't pay her have that's on her. And work with the landlord to get off the lease ASAP. 

Not always. If both of you sign the lease, then both of you are responsible for the entire rent.  The landlord doesn't really care how the rent is split, if even at all.  Just that it's paid in full.      

ernursej

atomicblonde said:

I've never been to therapy, so maybe I'm way off base, but the therapist is telling LW to be angry?  That seems... Odd?

I'd find a different therapist.

Anger can actually be a productive emotion when other emotions are not. Therapy can help you understand your current emotions and how they are part of the situation. If the current emotions are not productive, a good therapist will help you uncover other emotions.

short+sassy

lyndausvi said:

charlotte989875 said:

Why in the world would be/she pay the ex and not property manager/landlord directly?! If LW is on the lease pay, but pay directly. If she doesn't pay her have that's on her. And work with the landlord to get off the lease ASAP. 

Not always. If both of you sign the lease, then both of you are responsible for the entire rent.  The landlord doesn't really care how the rent is split, if even at all.  Just that it's paid in full.      

Yes and, on that note, the LL or PM probably wouldn't allow the LW to be taken off the lease until it was over.

This is how the majority of LLs, myself included, would handle this:

• Nobody is taken off the lease until it is over.  There is no incentive for a LL to do that and then they would only have one person to go after instead of both, if the rent is not paid.
• Shortly before the lease ends, the LL should do a walk-through and assess any damages.  Deduct those damages from the security deposit and return the remainder to however BOTH parties (LW and Ex) agree to it.  If they won't agree, the check is made payable to both of them and they need to figure it out.
• Then, in order to stay in the apartment and on the lease by herself, the ex needs to qualify for that on her own and pay a new security deposit.  If she can't do either one of those things, she needs to move out.

I had something like this happen to me once, but at least the lease was over and it was in a month-to-month status.  I had a set of tenants who were a couple.  They broke up.  They gave me a 30-day notice they were leaving.  They left.  I was instructed by both of them that whole security deposit should be returned to the guy.  I drew up a letter to that effect and had the woman sign it, just to make sure my a** was covered!

MesmrEwe

lyndausvi said:

On a financial note if the LW is on the lease, than they should continue to pay the rent.   If not, the ex could stop paying altogether.  Eventually an eviction notice, collections and ruin the LW's credit.  Which can have 7+ years of issues for the LW.  Higher interest rates, not being able to get an apartment or house, etc.    

Assuming they are not on the lease, then for the love of god stop helping and cut off contact.

 If the LW is on the lease, still pay some rent to make sure they don't go into default, but give it directly to the landlord and cut off contacting the ex at all.    ETA - if they are on the lease, try to figure out how to get off.   Some landlords are easier to deal with than others.  If they can't get out, then put in notice NOW that they will not be renewing.

SO much this!!!!  

LW needs to take the freaking Welcome Shirt off!!!!