Why do people keep inviting themselves?

penguinpop

Goodness! we have 3 people who have invited themselves to the rehearsal dinner who are not relatives, are not in the wedding party, and live in-town. 2 of them are relatives of a cousin's boyfriend who just assumed they were invited, and the other is a friend of a cousin who told us they were inviting themselves because they don't like to miss a party and they thought it sounded fun. 

There have been 2 people who are distant relatives who have not been in contact with the family at all for over a decade and just moved to town and they invited themselves to the wedding. The first one MIL decided it would avert an awkward situation by just giving them an invite to the wedding, against future hubby's wishes, and now their sister who moved here a few months later (who we barely know, but we do know from past experience that she lies and steals and we don't trust her, and we had to hide our purses/valuables when she came over) and she creeps me out a lot, automatically assumed she was coming to the bridal shower which is this week, and the wedding. She was texting MIL about what time it was. MIL decided she will not answer her but I think she is just going to find out from her sister and show up anyway.  

What on earth is wrong with people?

DrillSergeantCat

Learn this phrase, "I'm sorry but we weren't able to invite everyone we wanted to, have you tried the bean dip?" Then, stop talking about your wedding plans to people who aren't invited.

penguinpop

DrillSergeantCat said:

Learn this phrase, "I'm sorry but we weren't able to invite everyone we wanted to, have you tried the bean dip?" Then, stop talking about your wedding plans to people who aren't invited.

This isn't coming from me talking about my wedding, it's from FI's cousins who have taken it upon themselves to inform my MIL (this is not my side of the family) and MIL doesn't want to push back on these assertive people when they tell her they are coming. 

DrillSergeantCat

penguinpop said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

Learn this phrase, "I'm sorry but we weren't able to invite everyone we wanted to, have you tried the bean dip?" Then, stop talking about your wedding plans to people who aren't invited.

This isn't coming from me talking about my wedding, it's from FI's cousins who have taken it upon themselves to inform my MIL (this is not my side of the family) and MIL doesn't want to push back on these assertive people when they tell her they are coming. 

Your MIL needs to learn that phrase, then. It's 100% rude for people to be inviting themselves to an event that they're not paying for and the RD isn't the place for them to be joining in anyway. 

thisismynickname2

penguinpop said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

Learn this phrase, "I'm sorry but we weren't able to invite everyone we wanted to, have you tried the bean dip?" Then, stop talking about your wedding plans to people who aren't invited.

This isn't coming from me talking about my wedding, it's from FI's cousins who have taken it upon themselves to inform my MIL (this is not my side of the family) and MIL doesn't want to push back on these assertive people when they tell her they are coming. 

Talk to your FI about the importance of talking to his mother about being assertive and using the language above. 

If nobody starts being assertive now, you're going to have an RSVP / hosting issue on your hands. Which would you all rather deal with- pushy people up front, or pushy people who show up needing extra meals someone has to pay for?

DrillSergeantCat

To answer your question, though...some people just have no idea that they're being rude. I had several people attempt to invite themselves to my wedding and I did just what you did, came here to vent. I ended up not inviting them, because I didn't care if they were there and I only wanted people there who I really cared about having. 

southernbelle0915

It's way more common than I ever thought before starting to plan. People just love going to weddings. 

My MIL has a direct communication and "no" problem too. She verbally invited a bunch of people to our wedding - even after we told her we weren't inviting those people. She had to correct it. Awkward for her, but she made that bed.

I would just say that you're not required to micro manage conversations that other people have. You'll need to be clear with VIPs who is and who isn't invited to the wedding so that they don't put their foot in their mouth. If they do, well, it's their mess to clean.

OwningAHome1981

penguinpop said:

Goodness! we have 3 people who have invited themselves to the rehearsal dinner who are not relatives, are not in the wedding party, and live in-town. 2 of them are relatives of a cousin's boyfriend who just assumed they were invited, and the other is a friend of a cousin who told us they were inviting themselves because they don't like to miss a party and they thought it sounded fun. 

There have been 2 people who are distant relatives who have not been in contact with the family at all for over a decade and just moved to town and they invited themselves to the wedding. The first one MIL decided it would avert an awkward situation by just giving them an invite to the wedding, against future hubby's wishes, and now their sister who moved here a few months later (who we barely know, but we do know from past experience that she lies and steals and we don't trust her, and we had to hide our purses/valuables when she came over) and she creeps me out a lot, automatically assumed she was coming to the bridal shower which is this week, and the wedding. She was texting MIL about what time it was. MIL decided she will not answer her but I think she is just going to find out from her sister and show up anyway.  

What on earth is wrong with people?

We had this with people's kids but I feel like that happens a lot when people think their kids are invited but aren't. We had someone ask "will there be a separate kids table so my kids can sit with other kids or will they be sitting with us?" I had to tell them (nicely) their kids weren't invited.

I hate when guests think they call the shots. NEWSFLASH: it's not your damn wedding!

Subwayloves

We also had problems with this; Hs stepmothers family is huge (her siblings, nieces and nephews, and great nieces and nephews number up to well over 70). We see all of them at holidays, but only interact with a few outside of these holidays. We therefore chose to invite only these that we regularly have contact with. At the holidays before our wedding, we often heard "Oh we're so excited for the wedding!" from people who were not invited. We would just smile and say how we were sad we couldn't invite everyone we would have liked to.

One particular person was an issue. We invited two of stepmothers nieces who are sisters (who we regularly talk to, have went out with outside of family events, etc.), but did not invite the third sister (who neither of us had ever had a conversation with even at family gatherings). These people are are all late twenties to early thirties, so all adults. Apparently she complained to basically everyone from that family that was invited, as we got multiple questions as to if her invitation has been lost and why she wasn't invited when her sisters were. We finally just said fine she can come. After all of that, she did not end up showing up to the wedding

DrillSergeantCat

Subwayloves said:

We also had problems with this; Hs stepmothers family is huge (her siblings, nieces and nephews, and great nieces and nephews number up to well over 70). We see all of them at holidays, but only interact with a few outside of these holidays. We therefore chose to invite only these that we regularly have contact with. At the holidays before our wedding, we often heard "Oh we're so excited for the wedding!" from people who were not invited. We would just smile and say how we were sad we couldn't invite everyone we would have liked to.

One particular person was an issue. We invited two of stepmothers nieces who are sisters (who we regularly talk to, have went out with outside of family events, etc.), but did not invite the third sister (who neither of us had ever had a conversation with even at family gatherings). These people are are all late twenties to early thirties, so all adults. Apparently she complained to basically everyone from that family that was invited, as we got multiple questions as to if her invitation has been lost and why she wasn't invited when her sisters were. We finally just said fine she can come. After all of that, she did not end up showing up to the wedding

Yep! I went ahead and invited one of the people who made a fuss about it and they they didn't show. It's like they really don't care about going, just about being invited.

OwningAHome1981

DrillSergeantCat said:

Subwayloves said:

We also had problems with this; Hs stepmothers family is huge (her siblings, nieces and nephews, and great nieces and nephews number up to well over 70). We see all of them at holidays, but only interact with a few outside of these holidays. We therefore chose to invite only these that we regularly have contact with. At the holidays before our wedding, we often heard "Oh we're so excited for the wedding!" from people who were not invited. We would just smile and say how we were sad we couldn't invite everyone we would have liked to.

One particular person was an issue. We invited two of stepmothers nieces who are sisters (who we regularly talk to, have went out with outside of family events, etc.), but did not invite the third sister (who neither of us had ever had a conversation with even at family gatherings). These people are are all late twenties to early thirties, so all adults. Apparently she complained to basically everyone from that family that was invited, as we got multiple questions as to if her invitation has been lost and why she wasn't invited when her sisters were. We finally just said fine she can come. After all of that, she did not end up showing up to the wedding

Yep! I went ahead and invited one of the people who made a fuss about it and they they didn't show. It's like they really don't care about going, just about being invited.

exactly. People just want invites to, like, feel important or something.

zyanya67

I came here to vent on this very subject because it is REALLY starting to annoy me!! All of my family and most of fiance's family are invited (cousins he doesn't keep in contact with he chose not to put on the list); my issue is casual acquaintances who, upon hearing you are getting married, instantly say "Am I invited?" My response to date has been a blank stare followed by silence but from now on it will just be a plain and simple "No."; I figure if they are rude enough to ask, that is the response they deserve.

I would NEVER assume I am invited to anybody's event, let alone a wedding of somebody I barely know! My daughter got married last weekend and her now MIL and FIL heard I was getting married in three months and asked if they were invited since we are all family now. I have only meet these people once and don't anticipate seeing a lot of them, why would I put them on my guest list?!?!? They got the the silent, blank stare and got the hint but from now on, I'm going to be cut throat.

This is OUR big day and we are very particular about the people and energy we want around us. We refuse to let ourselves be stressed out worrying about how some people might act or other people feeling some kind of way about how we are doing things; this is our wedding and we get to choose everything! I am blessed my fiance is more cutthroat then I am when it comes to being firm on this; he has been 100% involved in planning our wedding and doesn't want it to be spoiled by selfish people. This is not the time to cave in to what others want; they should be respectfully of the wishes of the bride and groom.

DrillSergeantCat

zyanya67 said:

I came here to vent on this very subject because it is REALLY starting to annoy me!! All of my family and most of fiance's family are invited (cousins he doesn't keep in contact with he chose not to put on the list); my issue is casual acquaintances who, upon hearing you are getting married, instantly say "Am I invited?" My response to date has been a blank stare followed by silence but from now on it will just be a plain and simple "No."; I figure if they are rude enough to ask, that is the response they deserve.

I would NEVER assume I am invited to anybody's event, let alone a wedding of somebody I barely know! My daughter got married last weekend and her now MIL and FIL heard I was getting married in three months and asked if they were invited since we are all family now. I have only meet these people once and don't anticipate seeing a lot of them, why would I put them on my guest list?!?!? They got the the silent, blank stare and got the hint but from now on, I'm going to be cut throat.

This is OUR big day and we are very particular about the people and energy we want around us. We refuse to let ourselves be stressed out worrying about how some people might act or other people feeling some kind of way about how we are doing things; this is our wedding and we get to choose everything! I am blessed my fiance is more cutthroat then I am when it comes to being firm on this; he has been 100% involved in planning our wedding and doesn't want it to be spoiled by selfish people. This is not the time to cave in to what others want; they should be respectfully of the wishes of the bride and groom.

If you want a more tactful answer, "We're still working on our guest list."

southernbelle0915

zyanya67 said:

...it will just be a plain and simple "No."....that is the response they deserve...why would I put them on my guest list?!?!?....from now on, I'm going to be cut throat....This is OUR big day and we are very particular about the people and energy we want around us...this is our wedding and we get to choose everything! I am blessed my fiance is more cutthroat then I am...doesn't want it to be spoiled by selfish people. This is not the time to cave in to what others want; they should be respectfully of the wishes of the bride and groom.

Are you ok? 

From your post, this is how I picture you responding to people who ask about your wedding:


You know you can just say "Unfortunately, we couldn't invite everyone we wanted" or "we're keeping it small" or "we aren't sure yet, we'll see how planning goes". You don't have to be meet rudeness with rudeness or be "cut throat"....lol! You seem to be majorly teetering on bridezilla territory.

DrillSergeantCat

scribe95 said:

I honestly don't think I had one person do this. It seems so odd.

I had a few. 

redoryx

southernbelle0915 said:

zyanya67 said:

...it will just be a plain and simple "No."....that is the response they deserve...why would I put them on my guest list?!?!?....from now on, I'm going to be cut throat....This is OUR big day and we are very particular about the people and energy we want around us...this is our wedding and we get to choose everything! I am blessed my fiance is more cutthroat then I am...doesn't want it to be spoiled by selfish people. This is not the time to cave in to what others want; they should be respectfully of the wishes of the bride and groom.

Are you ok? 

From your post, this is how I picture you responding to people who ask about your wedding:


You know you can just say "Unfortunately, we couldn't invite everyone we wanted" or "we're keeping it small" or "we aren't sure yet, we'll see how planning goes". You don't have to be meet rudeness with rudeness or be "cut throat"....lol! You seem to be majorly teetering on bridezilla territory.

Also, the "this is OUR big day and we are very particular about the people and energy we want around us" logic is used by couples to justify NOT inviting significant others so make sure you are adhering to proper etiquette when it comes to SOs. 

mollybarker11

southernbelle0915 said:

zyanya67 said:

...it will just be a plain and simple "No."....that is the response they deserve...why would I put them on my guest list?!?!?....from now on, I'm going to be cut throat....This is OUR big day and we are very particular about the people and energy we want around us...this is our wedding and we get to choose everything! I am blessed my fiance is more cutthroat then I am...doesn't want it to be spoiled by selfish people. This is not the time to cave in to what others want; they should be respectfully of the wishes of the bride and groom.

Are you ok? 

From your post, this is how I picture you responding to people who ask about your wedding:


You know you can just say "Unfortunately, we couldn't invite everyone we wanted" or "we're keeping it small" or "we aren't sure yet, we'll see how planning goes". You don't have to be meet rudeness with rudeness or be "cut throat"....lol! You seem to be majorly teetering on bridezilla territory.

Agree with PP's 'tude being an issue, but what if none of those suggestions apply? If you tell someone "We're keeping it small" and then they hear about your 200-person wedding, or "We haven't finalized the guest list" and the wedding's a month away, they'll know you're lying.

Although I guess "We couldn't invite everyone we wanted" would work as a white lie even if you don't actually want them there lol.

InLoveInQueens

DrillSergeantCat said:

scribe95 said:

I honestly don't think I had one person do this. It seems so odd.

I had a few. 

I had one. We ended up including her because she threatened to just show up and wait for us (we got married at City Hall). We would probably have invited her anyway, she's my best friend since we were ~10, so it wasn't as off-putting as it sounds. But still, it's rude.

SP29

mollybarker11 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

zyanya67 said:

...it will just be a plain and simple "No."....that is the response they deserve...why would I put them on my guest list?!?!?....from now on, I'm going to be cut throat....This is OUR big day and we are very particular about the people and energy we want around us...this is our wedding and we get to choose everything! I am blessed my fiance is more cutthroat then I am...doesn't want it to be spoiled by selfish people. This is not the time to cave in to what others want; they should be respectfully of the wishes of the bride and groom.

Are you ok? 

From your post, this is how I picture you responding to people who ask about your wedding:


You know you can just say "Unfortunately, we couldn't invite everyone we wanted" or "we're keeping it small" or "we aren't sure yet, we'll see how planning goes". You don't have to be meet rudeness with rudeness or be "cut throat"....lol! You seem to be majorly teetering on bridezilla territory.

Agree with PP's 'tude being an issue, but what if none of those suggestions apply? If you tell someone "We're keeping it small" and then they hear about your 200-person wedding, or "We haven't finalized the guest list" and the wedding's a month away, they'll know you're lying.

Although I guess "We couldn't invite everyone we wanted" would work as a white lie even if you don't actually want them there lol.

I would probably try to use one of these phrases, but there isn't anything wrong with saying, "No", while also not being cut throat about it. "No" isn't a four letter word.

We had one person/couple ask if they were invited. We invited my second cousin, but not his parents. My cousin asked us if his parents were invited, as they just wanted to know regarding making vacation plans for the next year. I simply told him no, and that was that.

zyanya67

I am OK and not "hulking out", LOL!! I just think it is INCREDIBLY rude to try and invite yourself to someone's event. If they are going to be that inconsiderate, I see no need to be polite or sugar coat a response. I had a coworker ask me yesterday if she was invited and I simply said "No" and walked away (no shouting or attitude). I can't stand this person, no one in the office can, and she is retiring a month before my wedding, thank goodness!.

This is not the time for mixed signals or hoping someone will get a gentle hint; things should be crystal clear from the beginning. Nobody needs the added stress of tiptoeing around people or avoiding them because they choose to be rude and try and invite themselves. Their feelings may get hurt but they will get over it; if not, that's on them if they want to play the victim card.

And for the life of me, I don't see why people get bent out of shape if they aren't invited! I have another coworker who got married a few months ago; he is having a small reception and didn't invite me or two others in our small group but invited my boss because they are good friends outside of work. I didn't bat an eye (nor did the other two) and yes I did extend an invitation to him and his wife to my wedding (along with other coworkers) and he accepted. You don't know the choices that go into making someone's guest list and frankly, its not anyone's business; if they want you to be there, you will get an invitation, if they don't or can't (for whatever reason) you won't get one. But asking if you are getting one is just the height of discourtesy to me.

P.S. Etiquette regarding Significant Others is being followed.  :-)

DrillSergeantCat

@zyanya67 Yes, it's rude of people to ask if they're invited to your wedding and it puts you in an awkward place, but I think you need to look at it as these people are excited for you and want to help you celebrate. And asking "Am I invited?" Is completely different than, "I don't care if I'm invited or not, I'm coming regardless." I honestly feel like you're talking about your wedding too much if you're having this many people asking you if they're invited. 

LD1970

I'd have been more tactful with the in-laws.  These are your daughter's family now, and there's no reason to potentially cause problems for her.

geebee908

LD1970 said:

I'd have been more tactful with the in-laws.  These are your daughter's family now, and there's no reason to potentially cause problems for her.

This. You can't use your approach indiscriminately if you want maintain relationships or not to make life difficult for others you hope maintain relationships with.

zyanya67

@DrillSergeantCat ...I don't talk about my wedding to people who aren't invited or if they are present around people who are on the invite list; I also don't have any information on social media. I told people I got engaged nine months ago but that's it; I only discuss my wedding with people who will be there.

Wanting to help someone celebrate a wedding... who doesn't want to do that? But if they haven't extended an invitation to you, that means they don't want (or can't have) you with them when they celebrate. It is not about what everybody else wants to do, it is about what the bride and groom want to do, are willing to do or can afford to do.

climbingsingle

Yes, it's rude to ask. I actually had someone post on my Facebook page asking if she was invited. 

But just because someone is rude, doesn't mean you in turn have to be rude back. Is this really the way you live your life - tit for tat? If someone asks, just be polite and firm. Saying "NO" and walking away sounds like something an immature child would do. 

zyanya67

What most of you consider rude, I call being decisive. I'm not nasty when I say "No", but I don't believe it is a four letter word; it is something that should be embraced when you need to apply it. Some people don't know how to take a hint or take phrases like "we have a limited guest list" or "we haven't finalized the guest list" as they didn't make they cut, they think there is still a possibility they will get an invitation. I think its rude to string them along plus it adds unnecessary drama.

climbingsingle

zyanya67 said:

What most of you consider rude, I call being decisive. I'm not nasty when I say "No", but I don't believe it is a four letter word; it is something that should be embraced when you need to apply it. Some people don't know how to take a hint or take phrases like "we have a limited guest list" or "we haven't finalized the guest list" as they didn't make they cut, they think there is still a possibility they will get an invitation. I think its rude to string them along plus it adds unnecessary drama.

I'm not saying you're nasty when you say "no". But saying "no" and then turning around and walking away is rude and immature, and not decisive. It's pretty obvious you don't know how to handle yourself graciously in certain situations. Good luck to you. 

zyanya67

climbingwife said:

zyanya67 said:

What most of you consider rude, I call being decisive. I'm not nasty when I say "No", but I don't believe it is a four letter word; it is something that should be embraced when you need to apply it. Some people don't know how to take a hint or take phrases like "we have a limited guest list" or "we haven't finalized the guest list" as they didn't make they cut, they think there is still a possibility they will get an invitation. I think its rude to string them along plus it adds unnecessary drama.

I'm not saying you're nasty when you say "no". But saying "no" and then turning around and walking away is rude and immature, and not decisive. It's pretty obvious you don't know how to handle yourself graciously in certain situations. Good luck to you. 

SERIOUSLY?!?! Because we disagree on a point you call me rude, immature and say I can't be gracious?!?! You have made it apparently clear we have completely different opinions on what is gracious as I consider this comment to be completely rude!! You don't know me and there was no call for you to say this!!

climbingsingle

zyanya67 said:

climbingwife said:

zyanya67 said:

What most of you consider rude, I call being decisive. I'm not nasty when I say "No", but I don't believe it is a four letter word; it is something that should be embraced when you need to apply it. Some people don't know how to take a hint or take phrases like "we have a limited guest list" or "we haven't finalized the guest list" as they didn't make they cut, they think there is still a possibility they will get an invitation. I think its rude to string them along plus it adds unnecessary drama.

I'm not saying you're nasty when you say "no". But saying "no" and then turning around and walking away is rude and immature, and not decisive. It's pretty obvious you don't know how to handle yourself graciously in certain situations. Good luck to you. 

SERIOUSLY?!?! Because we disagree on a point you call me rude, immature and say I can't be gracious?!?! You have made it apparently clear we have completely different opinions on what is gracious as I consider this comment to be completely rude!! You don't know me and there was no call for you to say this!!

Yes, your behavior, as you described it in your own words is rude and immature. You're here ranting and raving. You clearly don't know how to handle a situation with grace. 

zyanya67

@climbingwife ...This is supposed to be a safe place where we can rant about issues that annoy us; not be subjected to people who are going to call us names because they disagree with our opinions!! Its one thing to give constructive criticism, you aren't being constructive, you are trying to bully based on your own false assumptions! There is NO REASON to name call here, make accusations or assumptions about people you don't know!!

InLoveInQueens

zyanya67 said:

@climbingwife ...This is supposed to be a safe place where we can rant about issues that annoy us; not be subjected to people who are going to call us names because they disagree with our opinions!! Its one thing to give constructive criticism, you aren't being constructive, you are trying to bully based on your own false assumptions! There is NO REASON to name call here, make accusations or assumptions about people you don't know!!

It's really not, this is a board to discuss etiquette issues that arise when it comes to weddings (or etiquette in general). This isn't a hug-box, there are plenty of other forums for ranting and complaining. People come here for advice, not coddling.