FMIL Shower Problem

[Deleted User]

So my mother and FMIL are hosting my bridal shower since no one else offered. My FMIL and FSIL are flying out for 10 days to help my mom since they live out of state now. When I emailed the guest list for the shower to both moms, my FMIL asked why certain women (some of her friends that we are not close with) weren't on the list. I kindly explained to her that I would like it only to be women I have a relationship with and know/have met. She said ok but a day later sent me a nasty email saying that she can't let me be rude to her friends and that I need to learn a little humility and that it's not always about me. She also said that since she's co-hosting that this is her time to share it with her friends. To put things in perspective, there are NO women coming from "my" side that I have known less than 10 years. I still invited a few women that are friends with my FMIL that I know or have spent time with but the women she wanted added I wouldn't even recognize on the street. I explained to her that I wanted it to be an intimate affair since I will be opening up gifts such as lingerie and don't want to feel embarrassed in front of strangers. She still insisted I invite them and I just gave in. I am still extremely upset about the ordeal and invites have not been mailed yet. Is it too late to say something?

ILoveBeachMusic

I am assuming all these women are invited to the wedding since anyone invited to a wedding related event must be invited to the wedding. If they aren't, then you just tell her that they can't be invited since they aren't invited to the wedding. You can just be firm with her about only wanting to invite people with whom you are comfortable opening personal gifts. Is the shower at your mother's home? You could say there is a limited guest list due to space constraints.

[Deleted User]

The women she wants added are coming to the wedding. this was already a favor to her since my FH didn't eve want to invite them to that since he hardly sees them. The shower is at my other's house but since my FMIL is hosting and paying for half idk what to tell her

STARMOON44

She's flying out for 10 days and cohosting. Her friends get to come. Opening lingerie isn't a big deal. Tell her "you're right, I'm sorry, pls go ahead and invite them."

MobKaz

breannahebert said:

So my mother and FMIL are hosting my bridal shower since no one else offered. My FMIL and FSIL are flying out for 10 days to help my mom since they live out of state now. When I emailed the guest list for the shower to both moms, my FMIL asked why certain women (some of her friends that we are not close with) weren't on the list. I kindly explained to her that I would like it only to be women I have a relationship with and know/have met. She said ok but a day later sent me a nasty email saying that she can't let me be rude to her friends and that I need to learn a little humility and that it's not always about me. She also said that since she's co-hosting that this is her time to share it with her friends. To put things in perspective, there are NO women coming from "my" side that I have known less than 10 years. I still invited a few women that are friends with my FMIL that I know or have spent time with but the women she wanted added I wouldn't even recognize on the street. I explained to her that I wanted it to be an intimate affair since I will be opening up gifts such as lingerie and don't want to feel embarrassed in front of strangers. She still insisted I invite them and I just gave in. I am still extremely upset about the ordeal and invites have not been mailed yet. Is it too late to say something?

Will all these women be willing to fly out for a bridal shower?  Perhaps your MIL just wants them invited to feel included. 

I will agree, however that as the co-host, she knows how much time, trouble and cost she wants to devote to the shower.  I think everyone has seen lingerie.  If you don't want to feel embarrassed, tell your mom to pass the word that you prefer not to receive that as a gift.  Who besides your most intimate and personal friends and family would gift that to you, anyway?

Jen4948

I'd invite her guests, but ask her and your mom to let the guests know that you're not comfortable receiving lingerie as a gift at the shower.

JediElizabeth

Jen4948 said:

I'd invite her guests, but ask her and your mom to let the guests know that you're not comfortable receiving lingerie as a gift at the shower.

Agreed. I was SO relieved that no one bought me lingerie for my shower, even though mine was super intimate and only had 7 very close guests. You can tell both your mother and FMIL to let the guests know this as part of a compromise.

banana468

I doubt you'll get a lot of lingerie and if you do, 1- You don't need to model it and 2-these women have probably seen it before.    After all, they may be married or mothers themselves.   At my shower I received one sheer nightie.   No big deal.  

As for your FMIL's friends, apologize to your FMIL.  A joint shower essentially means that it's probably not all that intimate.   You're having women from both sides and FMIL gets to pick some guests since as co-hostess, they are HER guests.   

In some circles, it's really common to invite the friends of the MOB and MOG to the shower.   Think of this as an opportunity to get to know some of the women on your guest list.   

I met my MIL's closest friends at my shower.   I'm so glad I did.   It was a wonderful experience to see people who were so excited  to see my joining the family.    

MairePoppy

You should let this go. As a host, your FMIL should have some leeway with the guest list.

How do you know you will be getting lingerie as shower gifts? If you don't register for lingerie, I would think your guests will stick with traditional items. 

[Deleted User]

I've already told her I would invite them. I was just very upset at how she spoke to me after I was so polite to her. 

CMGragain

Lingerie showers used to be a thing.  You usually got pretty nighties.  It was no big deal to open a pretty nightgown in front of other women.

banana468

breannahebert said:

I've already told her I would invite them. I was just very upset at how she spoke to me after I was so polite to her. 

Did she speak to you directly or is it possible that you're inferring incorrect tone in her email?

Your FMIL 's feelings were hurt.  Of course you wouldn't have a 10 yr relationship with her friends.  

Apologize for the misunderstanding and tell her you appreciate all she's doing as hostess.    This is not the time I would try to assert myself as blameless.   Even if she possibly stepped on toes, move on from here.  

downtondiva

How do you know you'd be getting lingerie? I haven't been too many bridal showers, but I don't think any of them involved lingerie gifts. I know that I didn't get any and neither did my SIL. Either way, it's not something that needs to be made a big fuss over if you aren't comfortable with it. 

If your FMIL had no involvement in planning or hosting the shower, I'd say she was being unreasonable by asking for these women to be invited. But since she is as involved as she is, I don't think it's ridiculous for her to have some say in the guest list (though I do think she should pay for them if she's going to insist). That said, if she was indeed nasty to you, that was uncalled for, and if something like that has happened before or keeps happening now, you should address it with your FI. 

LondonLisa

Really? The host, who is not only paying, but flying in to throw you a party that gives you gifts and attention, wants to include some friends, and this makes you  'extremely upset'?! Out of curiosity, what makes you just upset- having to take tomatoes off a sandwich? 

A shower is a gift, not an entitlement.  You can't dictate the terms if the gift. You can either accept or decline it.

Calm down with the hyperbole about needing intimate and deep connections in order to attend. It's a party where you open blenders and toasters, not the delivery room. 

Recognise it isn't always about you- your FMIL is flying in and wants to spend her limited time with her friends at an event she is paying for. That's completely fair.

I suggest you apologise and graciously accept these women. You say you were polite to her, but it really doesn't sound like it, as you didn't even think about it from her perspective. 

MobKaz

LondonLisa said:

Really? The host, who is not only paying, but flying in to throw you a party that gives you gifts and attention, wants to include some friends, and this makes you  'extremely upset'?! Out of curiosity, what makes you just upset- having to take tomatoes off a sandwich? 

A shower is a gift, not an entitlement.  You can't dictate the terms if the gift. You can either accept or decline it.

Calm down with the hyperbole about needing intimate and deep connections in order to attend. It's a party where you open blenders and toasters, not the delivery room. 

Recognise it isn't always about you- your FMIL is flying in and wants to spend her limited time with her friends at an event she is paying for. That's completely fair.

I suggest you apologise and graciously accept these women. You say you were polite to her, but it really doesn't sound like it, as you didn't even think about it from her perspective. 

If this is OP's worst "ordeal" that life has to offer, I'd be kicking up my heels!

redoryx

So, when I was in college I had a friend who was a virgin and getting married. She had this highly romanticized idea of sex and especially what her first time was going to be like. At her bachelorette party (which was a gift giving thing), her mom (who was super chill) is giving her edible panties and her sisters bought her sexy lingerie and my friend is laughing and totally fine with all of this stuff. 

Then she gets to my gift. She opens the bag and looks inside. Her face turns beet red and she gasps. She drops the bag and put her hands over her mouth in horror.

Her mom: What did you give her?! A dildo?
Me: Condoms. 

Yup. My friend was more embarrassed by the practical gift of condoms than by her mom giving her edible underwear.

This is what I am always reminded of whenever someone gets weird about the idea of opening up lingerie in front of shower guests. THEY KNOW WHAT GOES ON DURING THE HONEYMOON. There's no big state secret here. They've seen lingerie before. They've even probably -- gasp! -- worn it themselves.

Your FMIL has graciously offered to co-host a bridal shower for you and is even flying in to help in the days leading up to. Let her invite her friends. JFC. 

charlotte989875

I felt a little bad when my mother wanted to invite people I wasn't close with to the shower. Her close friends and cousins, but not mine; I worried they would think I was gift-grabby for inviting them. But she saw it as having her friends at an event held for her daughter. I just had to get over it. 

So I do understand your feelings, but this is an event she's hosting, these women are invited to the wedding, so I wouldn't take this as her doing anything wrong, this is pretty typical, and her feelings were probably hurt when you told her you didn't want them there. Sure she could have responded differently, but she was hurt. Apologize for saying you didn't want her friends, hopefully she apologizes for hurting your feelings with them email. Whether she does or doesn't it's best to smooth this over, she's your FIs mother and will be in your lives and this probably isn't how you want to start off that relationship. 

climbingsingle

I think you need to get over it. She's flying to you to throw you a shower. Let her invite her friends. And then LET IT GO. Move on. 

kaos16

Anyone else interested in seeing this "nasty" email?  OP, maybe you just interpreted it as nasty because you already had your guard up?  Think about your future with this woman. . . . . . . holidays, grandkids, etc. before you get too riled up about a few guests at party.

banana468

redoryx said:

So, when I was in college I had a friend who was a virgin and getting married. She had this highly romanticized idea of sex and especially what her first time was going to be like. At her bachelorette party (which was a gift giving thing), her mom (who was super chill) is giving her edible panties and her sisters bought her sexy lingerie and my friend is laughing and totally fine with all of this stuff. 

Then she gets to my gift. She opens the bag and looks inside. Her face turns beet red and she gasps. She drops the bag and put her hands over her mouth in horror.

Her mom: What did you give her?! A dildo?
Me: Condoms. 

Yup. My friend was more embarrassed by the practical gift of condoms than by her mom giving her edible underwear.

This is what I am always reminded of whenever someone gets weird about the idea of opening up lingerie in front of shower guests. THEY KNOW WHAT GOES ON DURING THE HONEYMOON. There's no big state secret here. They've seen lingerie before. They've even probably -- gasp! -- worn it themselves.

Your FMIL has graciously offered to co-host a bridal shower for you and is even flying in to help in the days leading up to. Let her invite her friends. JFC. 

I have to laugh when someone young is scandalized by opening lingerie in front of others if they think it's that intimate.

That said, I nearly died laughing at the shower of DH's cousin's wife.   We all gave presents and one gift she got was a little black lace number.   As DH's cousin walked in to greet his bride his mother, the MOG got up and said, "Hey!!!   What do you think?!?" as she held the little nightie to her and bounced around.   It was HYSTERICAL.   And he yelled, "But that's my MOOOOM!"   And we all laughed.  The jig was up.   MOG also had 9 kids.   I don't think she needed to be told how it all works.   And that little black nightie probably took a year to be worn.

DrillSergeantCat

The host(ess) always gets a say in who's invited. It's their party, not yours; you're just the guest of honor. It was rude of you to tell your FMIL that she couldn't invite people and I'm sure she was upset thinking of the time and money she's put into this just for you to shut her down. 

You're going to, presumably, be spending the rest of your life with this person as your family. You need to apologize for your misstep, explain that you didn't realize that it was proper for the host to have the ability to invite people. 

southernbelle0915

breannahebert said:

I've already told her I would invite them. I was just very upset at how she spoke to me after I was so polite to her. 

Did she forget to use exclamation points, smiley faces, and positive emojis? 

You're right. Two wrongs DO make it right. Totally play your bride card and punish her even though she's going WAY out of her way for you. Not passive aggressive at all... 

thisismynickname2

breannahebert said:

I've already told her I would invite them. I was just very upset at how she spoke to me after I was so polite to her. 

charlotte989875 said:

I felt a little bad when my mother wanted to invite people I wasn't close with to the shower. Her close friends and cousins, but not mine; I worried they would think I was gift-grabby for inviting them. But she saw it as having her friends at an event held for her daughter. I just had to get over it. 

So I do understand your feelings, but this is an event she's hosting, these women are invited to the wedding, so I wouldn't take this as her doing anything wrong, this is pretty typical, and her feelings were probably hurt when you told her you didn't want them there. Sure she could have responded differently, but she was hurt. Apologize for saying you didn't want her friends, hopefully she apologizes for hurting your feelings with them email. Whether she does or doesn't it's best to smooth this over, she's your FIs mother and will be in your lives and this probably isn't how you want to start off that relationship. 

I see both sides of this. OP, feel free to be hurt over how she spoke to you. You are the guest of honor and to a certain extent the guest of honor should have some say over events thrown in their honor. I would want a small, intimate bridal shower too. However, I agree with Charlotte here- she is the hostess, she's having an event, and these women are invited to the wedding so etiquette-wise it's all clear. Be upset, have a margarita, take some cleansing breaths, and take the advice of apologizing and move on. Let it be water under the bridge. Make the best of it and get to know some of these friends. 

FWIW I just had my baby shower. There were women there I don't know, but my MIL was the main hostess. They were so kind and generous and it was very nice chit-chatting with them. They care enough to come- be happy about that kind of thing, KWIM?

JediElizabeth

Ugh. All the nightie/lingerie stuff is still so awkward to me....I don't understand how it's a thing at showers. I don't think I'd be embarrassed by it per say, but if I had got it, I would have been looking for a gift receipt, too. There is nothing less sexy than underwear that reminds you of your family every time you put it on. 

(That said, I also wont wear lingerie I bought to wear with my exes around H. It just doesn't set the right mood/mindset for me.)

short+sassy

JediElizabeth said:

Ugh. All the nightie/lingerie stuff is still so awkward to me....I don't understand how it's a thing at showers. I don't think I'd be embarrassed by it per say, but if I had got it, I would have been looking for a gift receipt, too. There is nothing less sexy than underwear that reminds you of your family every time you put it on. 

(That said, I also wont wear lingerie I bought to wear with my exes around H. It just doesn't set the right mood/mindset for me.)

Agreed!  I actually rarely see lingerie at a typical bridal shower.  With that said, I've been to a "lingerie shower", where lingerie is supposed to be the gift.  It was a small shower with a close group of friends and a few family members.  It was also held right before the bachelorette party, which was a more mellow "going out to dinner" thing.  A lingerie shower is not the kind of shower I would particularly want but, as a guest, it was a funny one to attend.

PrettyGirlLost

JediElizabeth said:

Ugh. All the nightie/lingerie stuff is still so awkward to me....I don't understand how it's a thing at showers. I don't think I'd be embarrassed by it per say, but if I had got it, I would have been looking for a gift receipt, too. There is nothing less sexy than underwear that reminds you of your family every time you put it on. 

(That said, I also wont wear lingerie I bought to wear with my exes around H. It just doesn't set the right mood/mindset for me.)

This. 

levioosa

One of my friends got a "necklace" made out of condoms at her bridal shower, in front of her extremely conservative FMIL.  I thought it was pretty funny, but I could tell she wanted to die and never think about that moment again. 

lovesclimbing

For the most part, I didn't get any sexy gifts at either of my showers. My cousin did tape a vibrating cock ring to her gift for us and some lube. And then at my other shower, my aunt gave me what she gives at all showers - a half-apron (the waist-down kind). And she says if you ever get in a fight, wear just the apron! I just thought it was funny. Most of the sexy stuff I got was at my bachelorette. And my favorite negligee was a gift from my sister!

I will always remember the one bachelorette party I attended where older female relatives of the bride and groom were invited. The grandmother of the groom and her daughter, an aunt of the groom, were sitting together at a table. One of the games was a madlibs that had the potential of being dirty that was passed around and everyone filled in a few words. I will never forget overhearing the aunt looking over the grandmother's shoulder and exclaiming, "MOM! That's naughty!" as the grandmother filled it out. Did I mention that the grandmother had been a pastor's wife for decades before her husband died? 

Everyone knows what's going to happen and I don't think too much of it. Sure, it's a little awkward, but everyone just laughs it off. It's kind of like when I got "bottom tea" herbs and nipple cream at my baby shower. Everyone knows you need/use that stuff even if it's weird to talk about!

MairePoppy

banana468 said:

redoryx said:

So, when I was in college I had a friend who was a virgin and getting married. She had this highly romanticized idea of sex and especially what her first time was going to be like. At her bachelorette party (which was a gift giving thing), her mom (who was super chill) is giving her edible panties and her sisters bought her sexy lingerie and my friend is laughing and totally fine with all of this stuff. 

Then she gets to my gift. She opens the bag and looks inside. Her face turns beet red and she gasps. She drops the bag and put her hands over her mouth in horror.

Her mom: What did you give her?! A dildo?
Me: Condoms. 

Yup. My friend was more embarrassed by the practical gift of condoms than by her mom giving her edible underwear.

This is what I am always reminded of whenever someone gets weird about the idea of opening up lingerie in front of shower guests. THEY KNOW WHAT GOES ON DURING THE HONEYMOON. There's no big state secret here. They've seen lingerie before. They've even probably -- gasp! -- worn it themselves.

Your FMIL has graciously offered to co-host a bridal shower for you and is even flying in to help in the days leading up to. Let her invite her friends. JFC. 

I have to laugh when someone young is scandalized by opening lingerie in front of others if they think it's that intimate.

That said, I nearly died laughing at the shower of DH's cousin's wife.   We all gave presents and one gift she got was a little black lace number.   As DH's cousin walked in to greet his bride his mother, the MOG got up and said, "Hey!!!   What do you think?!?" as she held the little nightie to her and bounced around.   It was HYSTERICAL.   And he yelled, "But that's my MOOOOM!"   And we all laughed.  The jig was up.   MOG also had 9 kids.   I don't think she needed to be told how it all works.   And that little black nightie probably took a year to be worn.

Back in the old days, it was traditional for the MOB to give a white peignoir set. We were all eagerly awaiting a coworker's shower because the MOB was given to bawdy humor. The bride was opposite of her mom and was nervous about opening that gift. MOB ramped it up by hinting it was something she should wear to bed, it was really hot etc... She put off MOBs gift till last, hoping the older guests would leave. The gift turned out to be a full length, high necked, heavy flannel nightgown. No one expected that from this mom. The bride was so relieved, she laughed and cried at the same time. It was hilarious.

breannahebert said:

I've already told her I would invite them. I was just very upset at how she spoke to me after I was so polite to her. 

I wonder why she spoke to you so harshly. Do you think she may have thought you were rude to her? You should smooth things over with an apology because your FMIL is actually doing a very nice thing for you.

MobKaz

MairePoppy said:

banana468 said:

redoryx said:

So, when I was in college I had a friend who was a virgin and getting married. She had this highly romanticized idea of sex and especially what her first time was going to be like. At her bachelorette party (which was a gift giving thing), her mom (who was super chill) is giving her edible panties and her sisters bought her sexy lingerie and my friend is laughing and totally fine with all of this stuff. 

Then she gets to my gift. She opens the bag and looks inside. Her face turns beet red and she gasps. She drops the bag and put her hands over her mouth in horror.

Her mom: What did you give her?! A dildo?
Me: Condoms. 

Yup. My friend was more embarrassed by the practical gift of condoms than by her mom giving her edible underwear.

This is what I am always reminded of whenever someone gets weird about the idea of opening up lingerie in front of shower guests. THEY KNOW WHAT GOES ON DURING THE HONEYMOON. There's no big state secret here. They've seen lingerie before. They've even probably -- gasp! -- worn it themselves.

Your FMIL has graciously offered to co-host a bridal shower for you and is even flying in to help in the days leading up to. Let her invite her friends. JFC. 

I have to laugh when someone young is scandalized by opening lingerie in front of others if they think it's that intimate.

That said, I nearly died laughing at the shower of DH's cousin's wife.   We all gave presents and one gift she got was a little black lace number.   As DH's cousin walked in to greet his bride his mother, the MOG got up and said, "Hey!!!   What do you think?!?" as she held the little nightie to her and bounced around.   It was HYSTERICAL.   And he yelled, "But that's my MOOOOM!"   And we all laughed.  The jig was up.   MOG also had 9 kids.   I don't think she needed to be told how it all works.   And that little black nightie probably took a year to be worn.

Back in the old days, it was traditional for the MOB to give a white peignoir set. We were all eagerly awaiting a coworker's shower because the MOB was given to bawdy humor. The bride was opposite of her mom and was nervous about opening that gift. MOB ramped it up by hinting it was something she should wear to bed, it was really hot etc... She put off MOBs gift till last, hoping the older guests would leave. The gift turned out to be a full length, high necked, heavy flannel nightgown. No one expected that from this mom. The bride was so relieved, she laughed and cried at the same time. It was hilarious.

breannahebert said:

I've already told her I would invite them. I was just very upset at how she spoke to me after I was so polite to her. 

I wonder why she spoke to you so harshly. Do you think she may have thought you were rude to her? You should smooth things over with an apology because your FMIL is actually doing a very nice thing for you.

I received a pale peach colored set from my mom.  She followed that up by a pair of Dr. Denton's.  I doubt anyone even knows about those anymore!

CMGragain

@breannahebert, you need to apologize to your FMIL.  She is trying to do something nice for you.  You are going to be related to her for a long, long time.  It is important that your future family relationship will be a good one.  You are marrying her son.  If you have children, she will be a grandmother to them.  It is simply not worth it to dwell on any hurt feeling you have about a BRIDAL SHOWER!!!!!  Suck it up and apologize. Do everything you can to have a good relationship with her.  It will pay off in the long run.