His family is HUGE

franmara

I'm having a dilemma. Wedding background: my dream weeding would be small- 90ish people... this isn't exactly doable for us but with a VERY pared down guest list we are at 138. Fine. My parents are paying for the whole wedding, his parents are not offering any assistance other than the rehearsal dinner. Cost per person is pricey, $200/plate, my parents are ok with this as the guest list is much smaller than they would normally invite. (their idea of wedding invites, not necessarily mine). So my FI has a HUGE family, both parents are one of 5... large amounts of cousins. Their family guest list is significantly larger than my family's. (example I have 4 aunts and uncles total counting both sides) There was a bit of a discussion over where his cousins could bring their plus ones (whom are not married or engaged) his family felt strongly about including them so we agreed to add them to the list (this added 10 people). Now comes the child issue. Many of these cousins and their plus ones have children (young children- young elementary age). I'm saying no go on extending the invites to their children. I should note my FI does not have relationships with these children as they live in other parts of the country. HOWEVER, my three cousins and their husbands/wives do have children (young teen- college age) who are very present in my and my parents' lives. We do want them at the wedding and will be inviting them. Is this really a black and white tit for tat situation? If my few cousins are allowed to bring their children, must his? It's frustrating but super awkward at the imbalance already. Adding all the children on his side will be a significant cost difference. Thoughts?

banana468

futureMrsR said:

I'm having a dilemma. Wedding background: my dream weeding would be small- 90ish people... this isn't exactly doable for us but with a VERY pared down guest list we are at 138. Fine. My parents are paying for the whole wedding, his parents are not offering any assistance other than the rehearsal dinner. Cost per person is pricey, $200/plate, my parents are ok with this as the guest list is much smaller than they would normally invite. (their idea of wedding invites, not necessarily mine). So my FI has a HUGE family, both parents are one of 5... large amounts of cousins. Their family guest list is significantly larger than my family's. (example I have 4 aunts and uncles total counting both sides) There was a bit of a discussion over where his cousins could bring their plus ones (whom are not married or engaged) his family felt strongly about including them so we agreed to add them to the list (this added 10 people). Now comes the child issue. Many of these cousins and their plus ones have children (young children- young elementary age). I'm saying no go on extending the invites to their children. I should note my FI does not have relationships with these children as they live in other parts of the country. HOWEVER, my three cousins and their husbands/wives do have children (young teen- college age) who are very present in my and my parents' lives. We do want them at the wedding and will be inviting them. Is this really a black and white tit for tat situation? If my few cousins are allowed to bring their children, must his? It's frustrating but super awkward at the imbalance already. Adding all the children on his side will be a significant cost difference. Thoughts?

OK, a few thoughts:
-Plus ones aren't for guests in relationships.   If any of your guests has a significant other, that person needs to be invited.   Cutting off at engaged or married is rather rude.   So please make sure you have the numbers arranged that any guest in a relationship is invited with their other half.

-I would discourage you from inviting the children of your cousins if you are not planning to invite the children of your FI's cousins.   I understand that sides aren't even but it's just far easier to draw a line based on relationships rather than by #s per side.   

My overall advice: understand that you are making the choice to have a $200 pp event.   And please enter into this as a unifying experience.   These will be your family members too.   And while the sides may not be even, it's just far more fair to create a cut off based on relationship vs. saying your FI's tipped the scales over a certain #.

PrettyGirlLost

I think it would be fine to invite your cousins' children, whom you are close with, and not invite your FI's cousins' children.

You would be inviting in circles, and the circles don't need to be identical for each side.

Your FI's cousins and other family members will likely get butthurt that their children were not invited, but then they can get over it. 

However, if you want to avoid any drama, Banana's suggestion of not inviting any of he cousins' children works.

OwningAHome1981

Same situation. My immediate & extended family is 16 lol. His is 80. We are only inviting nieces, nephews & his kids (he has 2 from his previous marriage).

LD1970

There are a few things at play here.

First, your FI's family was right that you needed to invite all the significant others of all the guests, even if they aren't engaged or married.  So it's good you conceded on that.

Second, anyone paying gets a say in the guest list.  That would be your parents. 

Third, you can absolutely invite people with whom you are close, but not people with whom you aren't.  So inviting your cousins' kids but not his cousins' kids makes perfect sense.  Also, it sounds like there's an age difference between the two sets of cousins' kids, and there's nothing wrong with wanting only older people at the wedding.

Jen4948

I was invited to the wedding of someone who was, until then, a close friend -- by myself, without my then SO of three years because of a very hurtful "no ring, no bring" policy they instituted to cut their costs. I didn't attend the wedding because I felt as though he and his then-FI had slapped me in the face.

It's very rude to invite people without their SOs simply because they're not married or engaged. Don't do that. It will only antagonize your guests who are invited alone, along with the uninvited SOs. (It is fair not to give plus ones to unattached singles.)

As far as limiting guests otherwise goes, I think it is fair for your FI to let your FILs know that they will have to pay for any guests over a specified number. It would also be fair IMO not to invite children with whom your FI doesn't have a relationship. Their parents can get over it.

southernbelle0915

Look, I say this from the perspective of someone who had a child free wedding...

From an etiquette standpoint, you do not have to invite FI's cousins' children. And at the same time, you can invite the kids who are present in your life. 

From a relationships and family dynamic standpoint, however, you'd be inviting people to a cross country wedding and asking them to leave their kids at home. And then they get to the wedding to find out other people's kids were invited? And they spent hundreds, if not thousands, and had to make arrangements for their kids in order to attend? 

I understand wanting to keep your wedding small. I understand FI's side isn't contributing and that these are his cousins. But it wasn't his fault he was born into a large family. 

redoryx

southernbelle0915 said:

Look, I say this from the perspective of someone who had a child free wedding...

From an etiquette standpoint, you do not have to invite FI's cousins' children. And at the same time, you can invite the kids who are present in your life. 

From a relationships and family dynamic standpoint, however, you'd be inviting people to a cross country wedding and asking them to leave their kids at home. And then they get to the wedding to find out other people's kids were invited? And they spent hundreds, if not thousands, and had to make arrangements for their kids in order to attend? 

I understand wanting to keep your wedding small. I understand FI's side isn't contributing and that these are his cousins. But it wasn't his fault he was born into a large family. 

I agree. I get that it's within etiquette but it just doesn't sit right to me. 

In my relationship, I'm the one with the huge family and we agreed we a) wanted something small and b) childfree. I have first cousins once removed over the age of 18 so I could have invited them and been well within the bounds of etiquette, but from a family dynamic, I would have felt terrible. So we are inviting our first cousins only, none of their kids. Even the ones over 18. 

This is one of those situations that I think should be all or nothing. 

aurianna

Ditto what everyone said about SOs. Glad you decided to invite.

The children thing you'll find is sort of a split opinion around here. I'm much more on the "invite the children you want" side.

As long as you don't break up families, I view inviting children the same way you invite other guests. If you don't have a relationship with them you don't have to invite them.


Personal experience:

So I was invited to a wedding last summer. My young child was not invited nor were the children of my mutual friends also attending.

We get to the wedding and there are a couple of kids there, but not many. Maybe 3. There could have been teens there too. I really wasn't paying attention.
This was my thought when I saw the little ones: "How cute. I bet they are special children to the bride or groom."


I don't think you should single out just a handful of children. I mean if it's going to add 3 or something small like that to your guest list, it's not worth potentially hurting feelings. But if it's a large number I say do not invite unless you have a relationship with these kids.

Plus I agree that you're inviting in circles which is good. Some people would argue though that not using the same circle is unfair. But as you aren't required to invite in circles to begin with, I say oh well.


Again, I have a toddler. If I get a formal looking invite to a $200/pp wedding without her, I go to it, I look around and see that 70% of the guests are from my own family, that none of their kids are there, but notice a small handful of teenagers I don't know... if I get mad at that I'm the one being unreasonable, not the couple.

aurianna

ETA

So I personally think your plan is fine.
(And if the oldest child on the groom's side is under 10 and the youngest child on your side is over 13, I doubt many people will even notice.)

However!

• DO NOT put "Adults Only" anywhere on the invitations, save the dates, or wedding website. Nor tell people by word of mouth that there won't be children, as there will be.
• DO address the invitations to just the guests actually invited (make sure to list SO by name on the invite even if they aren't married)
• DO Consider putting "2 seats are reserved in your honor" and/or having them Initial/write their names by meal choice on the RSVP cards to set expectations and possibly catch add-ons.
• DO expect a higher decline rate from those who will have trouble traveling without their children and be gracious.

If anyone is rude enough to ask you directly why some children were there but not theirs:

• DO NOT say it's because weddings are expensive
• DO NOT say it's because you want parents to have a break from their kids
• DO hope no one asks
• DO discuss with your fiance beforehand how best to approach. He understands his family dynamics better than you do.
  

I'd personally say something like, "My parents are generously hosting our wedding and we've all agreed that we want a slightly more intimate affair. My parents, groom and I are all quite close to my cousins kids and really want them there. But I really look forward to getting to spend more time with your children at the next family event in xyz"

And even that's not ideal.
Hopefully no one will be so brazen to bring it up though.

MobKaz

futureMrsR said:

I'm having a dilemma. Wedding background: my dream weeding would be small- 90ish people... this isn't exactly doable for us but with a VERY pared down guest list we are at 138. Fine. My parents are paying for the whole wedding, his parents are not offering any assistance other than the rehearsal dinner. Cost per person is pricey, $200/plate, my parents are ok with this as the guest list is much smaller than they would normally invite. (their idea of wedding invites, not necessarily mine). So my FI has a HUGE family, both parents are one of 5... large amounts of cousins. Their family guest list is significantly larger than my family's. (example I have 4 aunts and uncles total counting both sides) There was a bit of a discussion over where his cousins could bring their plus ones (whom are not married or engaged) his family felt strongly about including them so we agreed to add them to the list (this added 10 people). Now comes the child issue. Many of these cousins and their plus ones have children (young children- young elementary age). I'm saying no go on extending the invites to their children. I should note my FI does not have relationships with these children as they live in other parts of the country. HOWEVER, my three cousins and their husbands/wives do have children (young teen- college age) who are very present in my and my parents' lives. We do want them at the wedding and will be inviting them. Is this really a black and white tit for tat situation? If my few cousins are allowed to bring their children, must his? It's frustrating but super awkward at the imbalance already. Adding all the children on his side will be a significant cost difference. Thoughts?

Why weren't these issues handled prior to selecting your "pricey" venue?  The guest list is decided prior to venue selection.  It sounds as if the venue was chosen because you decided on a "smaller than they normally invite" guest list.

I do NOT agree that offering your IL's the option for paying for additional guests is good advice.  You would have to factor many additional costs in beyond the cost of the meal.  You would have to insist upon payment prior to invitations going out.  Then you might have to return some money if some of the invitees declined.  See how complicated that can get?

franmara

I'm sorry if it came across as strictly a price issue; it is not. Yes we have a pricey venue, but are greatly cutting and saving in other areas. I work in decor so all decor will be handled by myself, we aren't doing flowers, again we are staying within a budget set and having it at a location that is very very very special and personal to us and surrounded by natural beauty that does not require expenses that might be incurred at other places. My job also allows for discounts with other venders. (Sorry I'm feeling a bit attacked on that issue- maybe I should have left price out completely... why am I even getting all this haha) The plus ones is a non-issue we have agreed to that (even for those not in relationships- this was what that discussion was over not for those with significant significant others.) I will keep it to an age issue/limit. Again, my cousins' children account for three children varying in age from 13-19 while adding his cousins' children would add the possibility of 26 children under the age of 10 being invited and showing up. (I meant it when I said they were a large family!!!) Maybe I should have gotten into number specifics prior. That amount of children will change the entire dynamic of the wedding of 138 and at any price point is something significant.
Anyhoo, thank you for the constructive advice received. Consider me resolved.

aurianna

scribe95 said:

I feel like you should treat both sides the same as far as the children thing.  I think explaining - we are close to their kids but not yours - just comes off not sounding good.

And honestly, at $200 a plate? You can find somewhere to cut to make up the money. That is a really expensive wedding.

I just can't agree with this.

If Bride worked in a small work group with 5 other people and were close to all of them and groom worked in group of 20 he rarely socialized with, would you expect them to invite all 20 of groom's coworkers if they invited the bride's?

If the bride was close to her neighbors and often attended block parties & BBQs but the groom never got to know his neighbors, would they need to invite both neighborhoods?

Would they have to invite groom's entire rowing team because a lot of bride's friends were on the tennis team?

--

Not all families look the same. Dynamics are different.

I'm an only child. My daughter's only biological first cousins live 15 hours away. My daughter will inevitably be closer to her second cousins who live much closer. When it comes time for her wedding, if we are paying, and if her fiance is not close with his/her second cousins and doesn't express wanting them there, we will not be inviting them just because we are inviting second cousins on my daughter's side.

I have a cousin who is also an only child. She is very close to her other first cousin's kids and calls them her nieces. She would never get married without them there. This board almost always says it's totally fine to invite just nieces and nephews and no other kids need be invited. But in my cousin's case we'd demand that all groom's cousins' kids be invited despite relationship to the couple? I honestly think that idea cheapens the importance of my cousin's relationship with her "nieces."

"Fair" doesn't always mean "equal."

--

It's ok to want a fancy wedding. While $200pp is pretty lavish for most parts of the country in others it's still not, and even if it were, it's not our place to judge how others choose to spend their money.

--

In the end OP is presented with four scenarios:

1. Go over-budget to invite all the extra kids they have no relationships with, many of which will be too young to appreciate the party (and may also bring the enjoyment down for other guests [I know as a guest I personally dislike a lot of kids at fancy events but like them a lot at more casual ones])

2. Not invite the teens they are actually close to, and who the people paying for the wedding, also seem to want there.

3. Sacrifice the entire type of wedding they wanted to have for themselves, and also sacrifice the great level of hosting (food, alcohol, entertainment) they had hoped to provide their guests (the ones they have actual relationships with) to invite more people.

4. Host the wedding they want for the people they are close to (including teens and young adults).

#4 is the least "equal" but I still think it's the most "fair."

I realize 1-3 are suggested to prevent hurt feelings, but in this case especially I just don't think it's necessary.
Very few people will notice the teenagers. Fewer will ask questions about them. And fewer still will honestly think "If that 15 year old, close family friend & cousin got invited, my 2 year old who the couple has never met definitely deserved an invitation to this black-tie-ish wedding."

Assuming OP was fully disclosing the situation (few on her side, all teens and above, many on groom's side, all elementary school and below), and assuming groom doesn't actually want these kids at the wedding, this is such a non-issue.


One's exact placement on the family tree is behind their control and I don't think it should dictate everything in cases like these.

SP29

I think it's totally fine to invite the bride's cousins' kids but not the same for the groom.

I am very much in the camp of only inviting those you are close with.

Circles are a good way to organize a guest list, but I don't think they need to be applied equally to both sides or across the board. And the circles created for the OP are quite different- 3 teenagers versus 20-some-odd small children.

MandyMost

futureMrsR said:

I'm sorry if it came across as strictly a price issue; it is not. Yes we have a pricey venue, but are greatly cutting and saving in other areas. I work in decor so all decor will be handled by myself, we aren't doing flowers, again we are staying within a budget set and having it at a location that is very very very special and personal to us and surrounded by natural beauty that does not require expenses that might be incurred at other places. My job also allows for discounts with other venders. (Sorry I'm feeling a bit attacked on that issue- maybe I should have left price out completely... why am I even getting all this haha) The plus ones is a non-issue we have agreed to that (even for those not in relationships- this was what that discussion was over not for those with significant significant others.) I will keep it to an age issue/limit. Again, my cousins' children account for three children varying in age from 13-19 while adding his cousins' children would add the possibility of 26 children under the age of 10 being invited and showing up. (I meant it when I said they were a large family!!!) Maybe I should have gotten into number specifics prior. That amount of children will change the entire dynamic of the wedding of 138 and at any price point is something significant.
Anyhoo, thank you for the constructive advice received. Consider me resolved.

Be careful about this--anyone in a relationship isn't getting a "plus one", you are inviting the couple. It is incredibly rude to write "Joe Smith and guest" when Joe has a significant other who's name you either know or can easily find out. Only people who are truly single should get "...and guest" on their invites.

flantastic

futureMrsR said:

I'm sorry if it came across as strictly a price issue; it is not. Yes we have a pricey venue, but are greatly cutting and saving in other areas. I work in decor so all decor will be handled by myself, we aren't doing flowers, again we are staying within a budget set and having it at a location that is very very very special and personal to us and surrounded by natural beauty that does not require expenses that might be incurred at other places. My job also allows for discounts with other venders. (Sorry I'm feeling a bit attacked on that issue- maybe I should have left price out completely... why am I even getting all this haha) The plus ones is a non-issue we have agreed to that (even for those not in relationships- this was what that discussion was over not for those with significant significant others.) I will keep it to an age issue/limit. Again, my cousins' children account for three children varying in age from 13-19 while adding his cousins' children would add the possibility of 26 children under the age of 10 being invited and showing up. (I meant it when I said they were a large family!!!) Maybe I should have gotten into number specifics prior. That amount of children will change the entire dynamic of the wedding of 138 and at any price point is something significant.
Anyhoo, thank you for the constructive advice received. Consider me resolved.

It is not your job to decide who a significant significant other is. If they consider themselves in a relationship, however long, it is significant to them. I know multiple ladies on here who got engaged after 3-4 months of dating. I am glad you are inviting everyone, but as PP mentioned definitely give your guests the courtesy of finding out the SOs' names.

I am okay with you inviting 3 teens but not younger children. If I had little kids (I do) and none of my other cousins' kids were invited, and I knew your FI wasn't close to my kids, I would get that. But there may still be some with hurt feelings. It's not against etiquette to do what you propose, and I understand how it changes the dynamic of the wedding, but that won't stop a few people from feeling hurt. That's all people are asking you to consider.

However, do not give an age limit. There may be one implied if just teens from your side show up, but I would actually be more annoyed if I saw my cousins' teenagers present and knew your FI was exactly as close with them as he was with my kids - because then it seems totally arbitrary, and not about closeness. I understand not inviting people you aren't close to. I won't understand why 13 year olds who aren't close to the couple can come while 11 year olds can't.

ahoywedding

I think since the kids in your family are all technically teenagers and the kids in his family are all younger, you could use age as a cut-off. But ditto PPs who said not to mention child free or "no young children" or anything like that anywhere on wedding-related things. 

BUT the other thing to consider is that it sounds like his family would mostly be traveling from around the country, correct? In that case, you're asking people to make a long trip without their kids, or leave their children in a place they don't know with a babysitter they don't know. You may have a number of declines for that reason. If cost is an issue, most caterers charge less for children's meals, and some have fairly high age cutoffs. It does sound a bit like you're putting your vision ahead of your guests' comfort; try to keep in mind that after the wedding your FI's family will be your family as well and treat them as you'd treat your own.

PrettyGirlLost

scribe95 said:

Everyone has their opinion. I think circles - same between families - avoids hurt feelings. Frankly all these things should have been finalized before the venue. But it's clear the bride and groom chose the vision of this very special place before considering these things. 

I don't think they chose their vision prior to considering these things. . .FI has no relationship with these kids, *26* kids, and likely never thought to include them on his guestlist.

26 additional people vs 3 people she actually does have a relationship with.

26 people is a lot whether you are paying $200 a plate or $50 a plate or $10 a plate, especially when you have zero relationship with them and someone else is footing the bill.

I'd risk the butthurt and not invite, honestly. If anyone gets pissy at the reception they arent likely to say anything directly to the couple, and if they do or make a fuss to anyone else they will look bad :-p

MesmrEwe

First, you are the one who made the mistake in choosing a venue that is $200/plate.  Start there as where your problem is.  ALWAYS do "Ceremony type, Guest list, budget", and THEN look at venues.  

IMO - "Good for the Goose is Good for the Gander" is your best way to approach this without hurt feelings, especially from FI.  Next, check in to whether there'd be a "Children's meal" discount for those <12.  ASK!  Keep the "rules" equal for both sides.