Wedding Party
knottie90dc5f8897d4e235
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Having 2 Maids of Honor - Promised one that I would choose only her
So I'm on the fence about how many maids of honor I should have. I absolutely definitely want my best friend to be my/one of my MoH. We've been best friends for almost 20 years and do all the big stuff together, although we only talk once a month or so with our differing schedules (I live several states away from my family and friends). I'm also considering having my sister be a MoH too. We didn't really get along until I was in high school and she was in college, so technically I've been friends with my best friend for longer than my sister. But my sister and I are really close now and talk every day and I think I'd like her to be MoH too. I want my best friend to be MoH as we run everything past each other and she's always encouraging and supportive. I want my sister to be MoH too because we talk about everything every day and I ask her opinion on most things I do. I value them both.
Problem #1 comes in with a few months ago (before I got engaged) my best friend was telling me about how her fiancé's mother strong armed him into asking his brother to be his best man and how mad she was about it and how he should choose his own best man. I laughed and said that she'd definitely be my MoH no questions (I'm already her MoH). I'm worried if I pick both of them my best friend will think I'm being disingenuous.
Problem #2 is my sister knows I've been closer to my best friend for longer and has already been disappointed because I called my best friend about the engagement before I called her. I'm worried that she'll turn being MoH down and if she does what I will do. I think I would want to protest but I also don't want to cause a scene.
Problem #3 I want to ask them to be MoHs at the same time to be fair. I'm worried about problem #2 and my sister will try to turn it down as I'm asking them and then when I insist I feel like everyone present "knows" I'd rather have my best friend.
The thing that makes this harder is that my sister is a grudge holder. She tries not to be, but I could definitely see 15 years from now her being like "Remember that time I wasn't your MoH and you were mine" (My sister had a short marriage a few years ago and I was her MoH then) My best friend is very laid back and generally just lets things go, but in this case I'm afraid she'll be upset that we've been saying for years (as recently as a few months ago!) that we'd be each others MoH and I went back on that.
As for duties, I would want them to share in it equally, but my sister can have a very go-get-'em personality and would likely have everything planned before my best friend could even set aside time to look into it.
Any advice to help me make this decision or any stories to help put things in perspective would be very much appreciated!
Problem #1 comes in with a few months ago (before I got engaged) my best friend was telling me about how her fiancé's mother strong armed him into asking his brother to be his best man and how mad she was about it and how he should choose his own best man. I laughed and said that she'd definitely be my MoH no questions (I'm already her MoH). I'm worried if I pick both of them my best friend will think I'm being disingenuous.
Problem #2 is my sister knows I've been closer to my best friend for longer and has already been disappointed because I called my best friend about the engagement before I called her. I'm worried that she'll turn being MoH down and if she does what I will do. I think I would want to protest but I also don't want to cause a scene.
Problem #3 I want to ask them to be MoHs at the same time to be fair. I'm worried about problem #2 and my sister will try to turn it down as I'm asking them and then when I insist I feel like everyone present "knows" I'd rather have my best friend.
The thing that makes this harder is that my sister is a grudge holder. She tries not to be, but I could definitely see 15 years from now her being like "Remember that time I wasn't your MoH and you were mine" (My sister had a short marriage a few years ago and I was her MoH then) My best friend is very laid back and generally just lets things go, but in this case I'm afraid she'll be upset that we've been saying for years (as recently as a few months ago!) that we'd be each others MoH and I went back on that.
As for duties, I would want them to share in it equally, but my sister can have a very go-get-'em personality and would likely have everything planned before my best friend could even set aside time to look into it.
Any advice to help me make this decision or any stories to help put things in perspective would be very much appreciated!
Re: Having 2 Maids of Honor - Promised one that I would choose only her
You're contrastingly worried she'd be offended if you don't ask her to be MOH, but wedding positions are not tit for tat. The fact that you were her MOH is irrelevant (as is the length of her marriage). It would be unreasonable of her to be offended by being asked to be a bridesmaid instead of MOH.
*Please remember that everyone you ask to be in your wedding is allowed to turn it down. You are asking them, not ordering them. It would be very uncomfortable and yes, scene-causing for you to protest and beg them.
The MOH's duties are the same as the duties of all of the bridesmaids, i.e., to show up to the event on time in the agreed-upon attire and smile for some pictures. The position of bridesmaid is meant to honour those you are closest to and the position of MOH is meant to signify an extra-special closeness.
It is traditional for those closest to the bride to organize a shower and/or bachelorette, but a) this tradition is not a required duty and b) the organizer is not necessarily the MOH. It can be one of the other BMs. It can be all of the BMs together. It can be your auntie who's not even in the wedding party at all.
They can easily share in the duties since there aren't any to share. It is very presumptuous for you to assume that they will plan and pay for any pre-wedding parties.
It sounds as if you have already asked your friend to be your MOH.
Your sister has a "right" to decline your offer, regardless of rationale. It sounds as if you will have issues with your sister whether you ask her or not. Take the road the creates the least amount of stress and hassle. Otherwise you will be defending/protecting/mediating during your entire wedding planning process.
As for who to ask- who is in your WP is solely your choice. Ask who you want to ask, for whatever role, if YOU want to. Put the "what ifs" aside. But there is no reason why you cannot have 2 MOHs, OR ask your sister to be a BM.
As no one is required to plan anything for you, anyone who is not your MOH can offer to host/plan a shower or B-party (aka. your sister can still do these things if that is what she likes to do and wants to do so).
All of this.
Regardless of what you decide, please ask each person individually. It's a personal request and they may want to talk to you one on one with any possible questions. Asking both at the same time can put two people on the spot and may elicit a false reaction.
I will say, just be upfront about all it with your best friend and sister. I was in my best friend's wedding, and she told me she was having her sister as her MOH instead of me. I was fine with it, really. But she insisted that if it wasn't her sister, it was going to be me and she didn't want 2 MOHs. Whatever. What really hurt me was when we showed up to the rehearsal, and I found out another friend had been promoted to co-MOH. She never said a word to me, and just let me find out at the church. It really hurt my feelings, and honestly, it's one of the reasons we're no longer friends (she truly was a bridezilla as well, that's a whole other story). But the co-MOH was someone the bride constantly talked shit about, and I was not only hurt but really confused.
Bottom line, you definitely need to ask your BF to be MoH. Because you essentially already did! It could drive a wedge in your friendship, otherwise.
However, I also didn't see where you "promised" your BF that she would be the only one. Unless you just didn't relay that part of the conversation in your post.
Quite frankly though, even if you "promised" your BF that she would be the only MoH, I don't think that is a promise you have to uphold. Because it would just be silly for her, for either one, to be upset that they are sharing a "title".
So, if you want to ask your sister to be a co-MoH, than do that. It's fine to have two. But only do that if you truly feel close enough to her that you would want her as one of your MoH's. Don't do it because you think she would hold a grudge about it.
If both women are mature adults they'll understand either choice.
I also think that the fact that one woman is your sister actually helps matters. If I was trying to choose between two best friends, that would be really rough. But I have to think most people understand a sister getting the "of honor" title.
Having co-MOH is actually pretty easy. While at the alter, one MOH stood beside me and the other ended up signing as witness. {they did 'rock paper scissors' to see who would sign. We had discussed doing that as a humour thing}
Tbh I didn't find having MOH hugely needed because I wanted the bridal party as a whole to feel involved. One MOH may have started suggestion - like bachelorette ideas - but everyone has/had a say.