Wedding Woes

MIL enabling my dad to drink

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Re: MIL enabling my dad to drink


  • I am frustrated for you, because I think that your FMIL is not being very understanding about your dad's addiction. Unless other people will specifically want martinis, I don't get why she is being insistent. 

    However, so long as there is ANY alcohol there, he will likely get drunk. Just as your dad prefers martinis, there are alcoholics who prefer beer and drink it to the point of blacking out. Most alcoholics will drink anything to get drunk, so if your dad has a real drinking problem, beer will be good enough for him. It's a tough situation because you need to properly host your guests, and you should not have a dry wedding simply because your dad cannot handle alcohol. At the same time, you can feel pretty confident that your dad might get drunk and blackout.

    But at the end of the day, he's an adult man. He has to make his own choices. If he does not care about remembering his daughter's wedding day, there isn't much you can do. 

  • Mircakes said:


    I am frustrated for you, because I think that your FMIL is not being very understanding about your dad's addiction. Unless other people will specifically want martinis, I don't get why she is being insistent. 

    However, so long as there is ANY alcohol there, he will likely get drunk. Just as your dad prefers martinis, there are alcoholics who prefer beer and drink it to the point of blacking out. Most alcoholics will drink anything to get drunk, so if your dad has a real drinking problem, beer will be good enough for him. It's a tough situation because you need to properly host your guests, and you should not have a dry wedding simply because your dad cannot handle alcohol. At the same time, you can feel pretty confident that your dad might get drunk and blackout.

    But at the end of the day, he's an adult man. He has to make his own choices. If he does not care about remembering his daughter's wedding day, there isn't much you can do. 


    So I agree with everything except bolded.

    My dad had a drinking problem, however he had an issue with hard liquors. He was fine with beer. He didn't over do it with beer. I'm not sure what the cause of the difference, but when he was in rehab he was explained this isn't uncommon. {side note: he wasn't a constant drinker, he was a binge drinker}

    So this is possible that this could be the same situation with OP's dad.
    You're correct though, he needs to know the situation at hand and make adult decisions.




  • MesmrEwe said:


    I have a suspicion that there is more than enabling as an issue, more like codependency with her insisting on doing things to make him comfortable in his addiction.  May or may not be the case, only you know what's really going on we can only speculate based on what you posted.  

    IMO - Dry events are your best option as it opens the door for an intervention now and both into treatment with plenty of time before your wedding (there are options out there including fantastic programs where they sober up and recover at home as well as AA - Right now I'm watching a colleague clean and sober up and transform using a program based in Florida and they're in an entirely different country).  You ultimately have to decide what you want to do and it's pretty tough love.  This is not about you, but be assured if you provide any alcohol, have great video and photography because he will be black-out drunk at your wedding regardless of which type of alcohol he consumes, it's the addiction, it's not about you, do not make the addiction about you.  You can only lead a horse to water, once you have a talk with them it's on them for the choice.  Whichever option you decide, stand your ground and do not enable.  Having alcohol at your event in itself is not enabling, but you do have a hard decision to make.  Good luck!!!






    I doubt that. These two people are not married. It is OP's dad and her FI's mom. I don't think they had all that much of a relationship before this that they could be codependent.

    It's OP's mom and OP where we're concerned about active enabling, not just misunderstanding. Maybe MIL is a people pleaser, but that's a separate issue.


    Sorry - super long week at the office - I read it as "MOM" and not MIL...  <face palm> 
  • kvrunskvruns member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    This has been an interesting read, especially with some of the nuances on enabling. Does anyone have a good resource or forum type thing for Al-Anon or something similar? 
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