MIL enabling my dad to drink

Mircakes

I am frustrated for you, because I think that your FMIL is not being very understanding about your dad's addiction. Unless other people will specifically want martinis, I don't get why she is being insistent. 

However, so long as there is ANY alcohol there, he will likely get drunk. Just as your dad prefers martinis, there are alcoholics who prefer beer and drink it to the point of blacking out. Most alcoholics will drink anything to get drunk, so if your dad has a real drinking problem, beer will be good enough for him. It's a tough situation because you need to properly host your guests, and you should not have a dry wedding simply because your dad cannot handle alcohol. At the same time, you can feel pretty confident that your dad might get drunk and blackout.

But at the end of the day, he's an adult man. He has to make his own choices. If he does not care about remembering his daughter's wedding day, there isn't much you can do. 

MissKittyDanger

Mircakes said:

I am frustrated for you, because I think that your FMIL is not being very understanding about your dad's addiction. Unless other people will specifically want martinis, I don't get why she is being insistent. 

However, so long as there is ANY alcohol there, he will likely get drunk. Just as your dad prefers martinis, there are alcoholics who prefer beer and drink it to the point of blacking out. Most alcoholics will drink anything to get drunk, so if your dad has a real drinking problem, beer will be good enough for him. It's a tough situation because you need to properly host your guests, and you should not have a dry wedding simply because your dad cannot handle alcohol. At the same time, you can feel pretty confident that your dad might get drunk and blackout.

But at the end of the day, he's an adult man. He has to make his own choices. If he does not care about remembering his daughter's wedding day, there isn't much you can do. 

So I agree with everything except bolded.

My dad had a drinking problem, however he had an issue with hard liquors. He was fine with beer. He didn't over do it with beer. I'm not sure what the cause of the difference, but when he was in rehab he was explained this isn't uncommon. {side note: he wasn't a constant drinker, he was a binge drinker}

So this is possible that this could be the same situation with OP's dad.
You're correct though, he needs to know the situation at hand and make adult decisions.

kimmiinthemitten

Mircakes said:

I am frustrated for you, because I think that your FMIL is not being very understanding about your dad's addiction. Unless other people will specifically want martinis, I don't get why she is being insistent. 

However, so long as there is ANY alcohol there, he will likely get drunk. Just as your dad prefers martinis, there are alcoholics who prefer beer and drink it to the point of blacking out. Most alcoholics will drink anything to get drunk, so if your dad has a real drinking problem, beer will be good enough for him. It's a tough situation because you need to properly host your guests, and you should not have a dry wedding simply because your dad cannot handle alcohol. At the same time, you can feel pretty confident that your dad might get drunk and blackout.

But at the end of the day, he's an adult man. He has to make his own choices. If he does not care about remembering his daughter's wedding day, there isn't much you can do. 

So, I disagree with most of your post.  And while this may seem like nuanced differences, it's important that we discuss addiction based on facts and not perceptions.

1.  Alcoholics get drunk to feed their addiction, their disease.  Most can't have just one drink, nor do they stop when they "get drunk," therefore their inebriated state is a side effect of the alcoholism.  Many are functioning and most people would never even know.  I worked with a chef who was apparently drunk on most events and we had no idea, and his food never showed it.  My sisters FIL tiled their entire house and hung kitchen cabinets while working his way through a case of Busch.

2.  It's not that her father can't handle his alcohol, it's that he's an alcoholic and as such, his brain demands that he feed his disease first.  OP can host whatever type of event she wants, however the principles of Al-Anon encourage people to not alter their behavior in order to create a change within the addict.  Have a dry whatever, if you're doing it because you want to and not because you're trying to remove the temptation.  It is on the alcoholic to choose sobriety, to reaffirm that choice every day, and to accept or decline invitations based on that.  However, the father in question hasn't chosen sobriety, so hosting a dry event for his sake is enabling.

3.  Right now the OP is dealing with her father and his addiction.  An alcoholic doesn't get drunk because he doesn't care about his daughters wedding day, he gets drunk because he's an alcoholic.  Most likely her father cares about how his addiction affects his family, however, it has altered his brain and the way it processes.  

Hence Step 8:  Made a list of persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

MesmrEwe

flantastic said:

MesmrEwe said:

I have a suspicion that there is more than enabling as an issue, more like codependency with her insisting on doing things to make him comfortable in his addiction.  May or may not be the case, only you know what's really going on we can only speculate based on what you posted.  

IMO - Dry events are your best option as it opens the door for an intervention now and both into treatment with plenty of time before your wedding (there are options out there including fantastic programs where they sober up and recover at home as well as AA - Right now I'm watching a colleague clean and sober up and transform using a program based in Florida and they're in an entirely different country).  You ultimately have to decide what you want to do and it's pretty tough love.  This is not about you, but be assured if you provide any alcohol, have great video and photography because he will be black-out drunk at your wedding regardless of which type of alcohol he consumes, it's the addiction, it's not about you, do not make the addiction about you.  You can only lead a horse to water, once you have a talk with them it's on them for the choice.  Whichever option you decide, stand your ground and do not enable.  Having alcohol at your event in itself is not enabling, but you do have a hard decision to make.  Good luck!!!

I doubt that. These two people are not married. It is OP's dad and her FI's mom. I don't think they had all that much of a relationship before this that they could be codependent.

It's OP's mom and OP where we're concerned about active enabling, not just misunderstanding. Maybe MIL is a people pleaser, but that's a separate issue.

Sorry - super long week at the office - I read it as "MOM" and not MIL...  <face palm> 

CMGragain

OP, I really sympathize with you.  I think you need to investigate AlAnon, a support group for people who are close to others who are alcoholics.  It sounds like you need to educated yourself a bit about alcoholism.  It sounds like you may be contributing to the family problem.

Did you tell you FMIL, "My Dad is an alcoholic," or did you tell her "My Dad has a drinking problem"?  These two phrases can be interpreted differently by people who are not used to dealing with alcoholics.

If your Dad decides to limit himself to non-alcoholic beverages, then you will not have a problem.  Beer and wine are no-nos for an alcoholic.  If your Dad decides to drink alcoholic beverages, there is nothing you can do to stop him.  The alcohol will hit his system, and he will not be able to control his reaction. 
You can try explaining alcoholism to your FMIL, but I doubt she would be willing to have a dry party.

You are not responsible for your father's behavior.
You are not responsible for his alcoholism.
You are responsible for learning as much as you can about the disease so you can avoid sabotaging Dad at family events.  No enabling on your part.
Your wedding will not be ruined if Dad is hungover.  Hold your head up and greet your guests with no apologies.

Good luck and best wishes.  You are not the first bride to have this problem.

kvruns

This has been an interesting read, especially with some of the nuances on enabling. Does anyone have a good resource or forum type thing for Al-Anon or something similar? 

kimmiinthemitten

kvruns said:

This has been an interesting read, especially with some of the nuances on enabling. Does anyone have a good resource or forum type thing for Al-Anon or something similar? 

I'm in Nar-Anon, but the disease and steps are the same, and some people choose local AlAnon meetings (or vice versa) because they fit better with the group.

I've done online meetings mainly (I couldn't find a group I liked that met at a time I could make regularly).  Note:  AlAnon/NarAnon does not endorse online chat style resources be it through a stand alone website or social media group, but that doesn't mean that there aren't great ones out there.

Here are some resources I've found helpful.

Find an in person meeting near you:
http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting
http://www.nar-anon.org/find-a-meeting/

This is the first forum I found that was helpful:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/

Helping vs enabling:
http://www.familiesagainstnarcotics.org/enabling-addiction

And of course, the 12 steps:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/the-twelve-steps


ETA:  joining a group like this may feel a lot like your first post on TK; a whole bunch of people with the same opinion that is opposite of yours.  It's okay, it gets easier, and if it doesn't, take what you want and leave the rest.