Just need to vent! (Lazy groomsmen and wedding guests)

Knottiedc7cd04c2f74ed86

I saw an instragram post the other day that I think is a good intro into this vent. "They'll try to make you out to be crazy for demanding shit that really should be the minimum."

I am a bride planning a wedding from afar that is to take place in my home state. My fiance's family and friends live in the midwest and everyone will be coming together for the wedding in the NW. I used to be a wedding planner and never envied those who were planning from afar. Not being able to run around and meet vendors has been a big frustration on its own.

Because most of my fiance's family and friends live in the rural midwest we ended up ordering tux's off of Black Tux so it could all be done by fedex. My Fiance and I paid for all the bridesmaid dresses and tuxes. I'm getting very upset at the bestman and one groomsmen who have been reminded once a week for the last few weeks to get their measurements in. They received the email last Christmas for instructions on how to enter their measurements. We are approaching the date where we will be charged a late fee and my fiance thinks I'm nagging them too much. I see it as extremely rude on their part considering we are paying for their tux's and will take on the late fee, as well as the late fee if they do not return on time. We also got an airbnb for us, my brother and the two guys. My brother has been the only one to offer to help with the cost. We are a month out and the bestman still hasn't bought his plane ticket and has started to complain to my fiance about the price. My fiance wants to help him out but I put my foot down considering he has known about this wedding for 8 months and we are paying for his tux and airbnb.

On to the wedding guests...not to offend anyone from the rural midwest but is etiquette just not a recurring theme out there?! We are a week away from our RSVP deadline and not one person outside of my fiance's immediate family has RSVPd. His dad alone has 6 brothers and sisters and they average about 5 people per family. We asked his parents if they could please remind everyone and to have them send in their RSVPs. They responded with a list of "guesstimates" and said that it should be pretty accurate. This makes my blood boil as the count needs to be accurate for multiple things and I do not have time to manually RSVP everyone.

I just don't think people understand how much work goes into everything and the fact that they cant take the 2 min. for the ONE thing they have to do really hurts my feelings considering we are spending so much of our hard earned money on them. 

6fsn

You are a week from the deadline. My Midwest ass probably wouldn't have replied yet either. Not because I'm rude and don't know etiquette but because I still have a week. Maybe I'm hoping flights will drop maybe I'm waiting on a schedule or maybe I just think you sound like an ass and want to fuck with you. 

Let your fiancé deal with the tuxes. If you feel you must "deadline is x date. After that you will have to pay the late fee"

Heffalump

Knottiedc7cd04c2f74ed86 said:

I saw an instragram post the other day that I think is a good intro into this vent. "They'll try to make you out to be crazy for demanding shit that really should be the minimum."

I am a bride planning a wedding from afar that is to take place in my home state. My fiance's family and friends live in the midwest and everyone will be coming together for the wedding in the NW. I used to be a wedding planner and never envied those who were planning from afar. Not being able to run around and meet vendors has been a big frustration on its own.

Because most of my fiance's family and friends live in the rural midwest we ended up ordering tux's off of Black Tux so it could all be done by fedex. My Fiance and I paid for all the bridesmaid dresses and tuxes. I'm getting very upset at the bestman and one groomsmen who have been reminded once a week for the last few weeks to get their measurements in. They received the email last Christmas for instructions on how to enter their measurements. We are approaching the date where we will be charged a late fee and my fiance thinks I'm nagging them too much. I see it as extremely rude on their part considering we are paying for their tux's and will take on the late fee, as well as the late fee if they do not return on time. We also got an airbnb for us, my brother and the two guys. My brother has been the only one to offer to help with the cost. We are a month out and the bestman still hasn't bought his plane ticket and has started to complain to my fiance about the price. My fiance wants to help him out but I put my foot down considering he has known about this wedding for 8 months and we are paying for his tux and airbnb.

On to the wedding guests...not to offend anyone from the rural midwest but is etiquette just not a recurring theme out there?! We are a week away from our RSVP deadline and not one person outside of my fiance's immediate family has RSVPd. His dad alone has 6 brothers and sisters and they average about 5 people per family. We asked his parents if they could please remind everyone and to have them send in their RSVPs. They responded with a list of "guesstimates" and said that it should be pretty accurate. This makes my blood boil as the count needs to be accurate for multiple things and I do not have time to manually RSVP everyone.

I just don't think people understand how much work goes into everything and the fact that they cant take the 2 min. for the ONE thing they have to do really hurts my feelings considering we are spending so much of our hard earned money on them. 

TBH, I think you need to take a step back and breathe a bit.

The tux thing is frustrating.  I get it.  Tell them that their measurements need to be in by X date in order to get tuxes.  Period.  Tell them once, don't nag repeatedly.  If they don't get them in, they don't have tuxes.  It may not have been your original plan, but your wedding will still take place.  You can't force them to get measured at gunpoint, all you can do is lay it out for them and then deal with whatever happens.

With the Airbnb, did you say "We'll share an Airbnb with you and split the cost, let us know if you're interested?"  Because "offering to help with the cost" doesn't sound like you were upfront about the arrangements.  Unfortunately, that's on you.  Personally, I wouldn't expect to stay with someone and not even offer to pay my share.  But if you didn't make it clear, then don't be surprised if it's not clear to them.  It's possible (based on the rest of your post) that it's out of their budget, in which case budgeting first and then booking could have prevented this situation.

Similarly, if the best man doesn't buy a ticket, he won't be there.  The end.  Unfortunate, but life goes on.  If he doesn't have the money, then he doesn't have the money.

Finally, what is the point of having a deadline if you're going to nag people for over a week beforehand?  This is how it works: you set the deadline.  People respond.  If anyone hasn't RSVPed by the time the deadline has passed, then you contact them to find out whether they're coming.  You're making a lot of extra, unnecessary work for yourself. 

levioosa

Um...the rsvp deadline is the actual date you need to start worrying about. It's pointless to worry about it before, and people aren't rude for waiting until the deadline. I would even give it 3-4 days for stragglers after that. Then you can start contacting people. But complaining now when people aren't doing anything wrong? You're just making life hard on yourself. 

Depending on how you presented the air bnb, people might have thought you were providing it. That's a communication issue I can't comment on. The tux thing is annoying, as is the BM flight, but if they don't fix those issues themselves, they've effectively taken themselves out of the wedding. The ball is in their court. Let it go after you remind them of the deadline once more. And don't be passive aggressive about it. Since it's your FI's groomsman, let your FI be the one to remind him. "Hey man, just an FYI, the last day to order the tux is X."

The instagram post you quoted kind of put me off. It seems like something a bridezilla would share/like. The only things required by the Bridal party are to show up on time, sober, and in the correct attire on the day of the wedding. All other planning, paying, decorating, etc should be done by you and your FI or hired vendors. 

6fsn

Just a general rule. If you have to start with "not to offend anyone" you probably will offend someone. 

thisismynickname2

It's not a rural midwest thing to not reply a week before the actual date you gave people to reply. 

It is a rude thing universally to not RSVP by deadline, but contrary to popular belief your wedding isn't the most important thing in peoples' lives. People could have the invite in a large pile of unsorted mail, they could be waiting on a work schedule, they maybe even didn't receive the invite in the mail. Maybe they thought someone else in the household sent in the reply card already. You get the joy of tracking down these RSVPs AFTER your set deadline has passed. 

And if the best man is complaining about cost, well, maybe something happened in his life that is tightening his purse strings. Life happens. Be sympathetic. Tuxes... good advice above about that too, but life will not end if your gms show up in non-matching attire. 

short+sassy

Some of your problems are the perfect scenarios for "action=consequence" statements.  That you communicate once, and then don't worry about.  For example,

• "Hey BM and the one flaky groomsman (obviously without the describer, lol), as you know we're covering your tux rentals.  However, this does not extend to late fees.  Please submit your measurements by X date.  After that, the website charges an $X late fee that you will be responsible for."  Yes, it makes it stickier as you all will probably be stuck paying the fees and they will need to pay you back.  But put the ball in their court and then don't worry about it anymore.  They'll do what they do and if they take themselves out of the wedding via their actions, so be it.
• None of your guests are being rude.  None.  At least not yet.  They are supposed to respond by the RSVP date.  Some people may do that right away.  Some people may do that on the last day.  Both of those and anywhere in between are within proper etiquette.

If you do end up having a lot of guests to call who didn't RSVP, split this task up with your FI.  And see my advice in the first sentence if you have to leave a message or someone is still wishy-washy, ie "Hey Cousin John, I didn't get your RSVP for the wedding and wanted to check if you and your wife are coming.  We definitely hope to see you there but, if I don't hear from you by X date, we'll put you down as a "no".  Boom.  Done.  You have your answer, either way, with one phone call.

Obviously I wasn't there for the exact conversation had with everyone in regards to the AirBnB, but your post makes it sound like you all are covering it.  But were hopeful that people would offer to chip in.  Let me introduce you to "people"*, even our closest loved ones, lol.  There are a lot of folks out there who won't pay for JACK, if they can get away with it.  So, if these people weren't specifically asked their lodging budget and then agreed to pay $X, there is a good possibility they are not going to volunteer any money.

*General snark at humankind, not at you specifically OP.

climbingsingle

Ok, you need to take a step back and take a deep breath. 

Yes, it sucks the groomsmen haven't gotten measured yet. Let your FI deal with this. If he is saying you need to back off, it's time to back off. 

Why would you expect the groomsmen to chip in for the Airbnb? It sounds to me like you offered to pay for it. If you offered to pay for it, I doubt he'd offer up money. And if he's complaining about the costs of flights and whatnot, maybe his money situation is tight. You don't know the ins and outs of someone's financial situations. Even if he had months to save up, what is something catastrophic happened and he had to spend money on something (car issues, something needs to be repaired ASAP, a pet is sick, etc). 

If you gave people an RSVP date, you need to wait until that date to start bothering people for their replies. You're still a week out! Chill out! I had members of my H's family not even send replies. Some I had to call 3 times, and we were a week out from the wedding. This will happen. It's not the end of the world. If a few days after your RSVP date, you still haven't received a reply, call or email or text. Also, how much time is there between your RSVP and your wedding date? Are you asking people to RSVP within a long amount of time that might be unreasonable? For example, are you asking for RVSPs for a wedding taking place in August??

ei34

The GM that can't get their shit together are annoying, so this is a good place to vent.  Don't drive them (or your FI, especially since he said you're nagging) crazy.  If they're the BM and a GM I imagine they're very close to your FI...he should send one final reminder text and let them know late fees are their responsibility.
 
My H and I had to call or text a good 75% of his family members once our rsvp deadline passed.  We're in NYC so I dont think it's regional.  It was super annoying!! But not the end of the world.  If the deadline is a week away it's unfair to be angry at them right now.

southernbelle0915

You sound Type A, idealistic, a former wedding planner, and very invested in your own wedding - there is nothing wrong with any of that, but I can imagine that it's very frustrating for you when people aren't doing exactly what you *think* they should do. 

1) I agree, the best man is being pretty disrespectful, IMO. Send him an email letting him know how much the late fee is and that y'all didn't budget for it. Hopefully that makes him feel bad enough to do it.

2) You can't book an airbnb, offer for people to stay in it and then expect them to offer to pay you. That sounds like one of those poorly planned bachelorette parties where the MOH books a house and says "you will stay here and you owe me $X" Bish, I don't because what you plan is on YOU. Ask for my input, and we can talk.

3) You can start being mad about RSVPs when your deadline passes, but not a moment sooner. 

mrsconn23

You *used* to be a wedding planner and you're coming at us with this nonsense like you know nothing about weddings? And you're insulting a wide swath of people in the process? 

DrillSergeantCat

mrsconn23 said:

You *used* to be a wedding planner and you're coming at us with this nonsense like you know nothing about weddings? And you're insulting a wide swath of people in the process? 

You know us Mid-westerners are just too dumb to figure out when we're being insulted. 

mrsconn23

DrillSergeantCat said:

mrsconn23 said:

You *used* to be a wedding planner and you're coming at us with this nonsense like you know nothing about weddings? And you're insulting a wide swath of people in the process? 

You know us Mid-westerners are just too dumb to figure out when we're being insulted. 

Yeah, well we all just fell off that turnip truck or tractor or whatever.  

OliveOilsMom

Others have it pretty much covered.  I just want to add that depending on how your offer of the airbnb went, BM could have assumed it was being paid for since he has to buy a plane ticket to get there.  If I were BM and I was told by B&G that there is a airbnb I could stay at - I'd think they are covering that cost for me since I bought an airplane ticket to be there.  So unless you said, "Hey BM, are you interesting in sharing the cost of an airbnb for your accommodations?  If so, give me your budget." I'm inclined to say that BM did nothing wrong.

CarrieJo04

Adding "not to offend anyone" does not keep it from being offensive.

LadyCatherineDB

mrsconn23 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

mrsconn23 said:

You *used* to be a wedding planner and you're coming at us with this nonsense like you know nothing about weddings? And you're insulting a wide swath of people in the process? 

You know us Mid-westerners are just too dumb to figure out when we're being insulted. 

Yeah, well we all just fell off that turnip truck or tractor or whatever.  

Not just the Midwest - the rural Midwest.

"'I have no doubt that he will thrive and be a very rich man in time–and his being illiterate and coarse need not disturb us.'" - Emma Woodhouse on the farmer Robert Martin

*Barbie*

this^^^

CMGragain

Those dollar signs in your eyes are very unattractive.  It is very rude of you to assume that some of your guests will pay for reserving the accommodations of your own choice.  What were you thinking?  It is YOUR wedding, and YOUR money that you are spending.  This was YOUR choice, not theirs.
If some members of your wedding party have decided that they no longer are eager to participate in your wedding after your communications, I would not be surprised.
I am the old lady conservative member of this board, and I was born in Rockwell City, Iowa, thank you.  Someone hand me my smelling salts.  I feel faint!