Can you tell a friend she can't bring a specific guest?

Cmay0323

Asking for a friend:: my friend's wedding is upcoming in September and she invited a friend and gave her a guest thinking she would bring her boyfriend. However, in a twist of events, this girl broke up with him and is now dating her previous ex/ baby's daddy who is not a good guy (previously emotionally abusive to her , at one point broke into her house and cut up all of her bras and underwear, overdosed on heroin 3 times in a matter of months (2 times in the presence of their 3 year old daughter), type of not good guy, also years ago he was smoking pot at another friends wedding and stunk up the whole venue).  The girl insists her guy has changed (he has been on court ordered probation for 2 months now due to child endangering) but for obvious reasons the bride cannot stand this guy.  Should she just let it go and let him come or tell her that she can't bring him and how would she say that?

ei34

Cmay0323 said:

Asking for a friend:: my friend's wedding is upcoming in September and she invited a friend and gave her a guest thinking she would bring her boyfriend. However, in a twist of events, this girl broke up with him and is now dating her previous ex/ baby's daddy who is not a good guy (previously emotionally abusive to her , at one point broke into her house and cut up all of her bras and underwear, overdosed on heroin 3 times in a matter of months (2 times in the presence of their 3 year old daughter), type of not good guy, also years ago he was smoking pot at another friends wedding and stunk up the whole venue).  The girl insists her guy has changed (he has been on court ordered probation for 2 months now due to child endangering) but for obvious reasons the bride cannot stand this guy.  Should she just let it go and let him come or tell her that she can't bring him and how would she say that?

How far in advance did your friend receive an invitation to a September wedding that she was dating someone completely different?!  The guest in question isn't just a guest he's your friend's SO.  So technically he has to be invited.  That said, the exception to an SO absolutely being invited is if he or she has abused or caused harm to another guest at the wedding, of if there's reason to believe that he or she will do so at the wedding.  Does he fit into this category?  (And if so, the more important matter is helping your friend to break away from him.)

. 

geebee908

If she'd included her previous SO as a named guest on the invitation as she should have done etiquette-wise, she might have the option of saying no, but even there she'd be treading on thin ice by saying this guy couldn't come in the ex's place.

Her friend is in a relationship and it's not up to anyone to say he can't come simply because they don't like him or think he's not a good guy. Only way to exclude him is if he poses a physical threat to others at the wedding, and it sounds like there isn't any reason to suppose that would be the case. Also, if she values the friendship, she could damage it by excluding him.

Cmay0323

When she sent out the save the dates a few months ago she was with her boyfriend, she just sent out the invites last week and didn't know that she was dating her ex again as she essentially was hiding it since she knows how others feel about him.  She basically broke up with her boyfriend to go immediately back to her ex.  I found out they were back together 2 weeks ago but it sounds like officially back together and hiding it since mid May.  

downtondiva

If having this guy at the wedding would pose a threat to anyone or compromise the safety of the guests, then I think it's okay to exclude him. However, unless the bride can definitively say that's the case, she will unfortunately have to let her friend bring him.

The bride has every reason to be concerned that her friend is back together with this creep, and I totally understand her wanting to discourage the relationship and protect her friend. But wedding invitations (or lack thereof) are not the way to handle this problem.

divarhd

Welp, I can say in my case, there will be Judges, State's Attorneys and public Defenders at my wedding, so I wouldn't really want someone on probation who is an addict.  It's a slippery slope. 

JediElizabeth

The worst thing she can do for a friend who's with someone who has been emotionally abusive in the past is exclude him from her wedding. All else aside, an abuser will use that as a way to drive a wedge between the friends and isolate the girl he's with. Have her invite him, because he doesn't sound like a safety threat, and it will make it easier to support your other friend. 

flantastic

divarhd said:

Welp, I can say in my case, there will be Judges, State's Attorneys and public Defenders at my wedding, so I wouldn't really want someone on probation who is an addict.  It's a slippery slope. 

What? What is the slope? Are you concerned the addict would get themselves in more serious trouble than if they went to some other wedding?

Also, what PPs said. If the friend has made it clear she's dating the guy, even if she initially tried to hide it, then he gets an invite as her SO. Purposefully excluding him will not encourage the friend to break up with him - rather the opposite.

LondonLisa

divarhd said:

Welp, I can say in my case, there will be Judges, State's Attorneys and public Defenders at my wedding, so I wouldn't really want someone on probation who is an addict.  It's a slippery slope. 

Are... are you worried about a spontaneous trial breaking out? 

To the OP: I think this falls into the friend rather than wedding issue. If I had a friend dating an abusive guy and hiding him, my first thought wouldn't be: 'but my wedding'- it should be: 'I need to check on my friend one on one ASAP'. Talk to this friend, see how much they're doing. 

STARMOON44

divarhd said:

Welp, I can say in my case, there will be Judges, State's Attorneys and public Defenders at my wedding, so I wouldn't really want someone on probation who is an addict.  It's a slippery slope. 

Why would this matter at all? 

DrillSergeantCat

STARMOON44 said:

divarhd said:

Welp, I can say in my case, there will be Judges, State's Attorneys and public Defenders at my wedding, so I wouldn't really want someone on probation who is an addict.  It's a slippery slope. 

Why would this matter at all? 

I'm not seeing the connection either.

justsie

I agree with PP's, if he is considered her SO then he must be invited unless he poses a physical danger to anyone else at the wedding. 

charlotte989875

DrillSergeantCat said:

STARMOON44 said:

divarhd said:

Welp, I can say in my case, there will be Judges, State's Attorneys and public Defenders at my wedding, so I wouldn't really want someone on probation who is an addict.  It's a slippery slope. 

Why would this matter at all? 

I'm not seeing the connection either.

Right. A friend of ours is a sheriff. He came to our wedding. He didn't go around arresting people he knew were smoking pot. 

DrillSergeantCat

charlotte989875 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

STARMOON44 said:

divarhd said:

Welp, I can say in my case, there will be Judges, State's Attorneys and public Defenders at my wedding, so I wouldn't really want someone on probation who is an addict.  It's a slippery slope. 

Why would this matter at all? 

I'm not seeing the connection either.

Right. A friend of ours is a sheriff. He came to our wedding. He didn't go around arresting people he knew were smoking pot. 

Probably didn't run their ID to make sure they didn't have any warrants, either.

banana468

If they are now a social unit he should be invited.

Generally, the officers of the court don't want to be doing things that are illegal FOR them.

We went to a wedding last year and in attendance was a DC policeman, at least one attorney and one judge.   I have no idea if anyone was doing anything illegal but after hours they only said, "I"m not doing anything that will get me arrested!"

STARMOON44

charlotte989875 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

STARMOON44 said:

divarhd said:

Welp, I can say in my case, there will be Judges, State's Attorneys and public Defenders at my wedding, so I wouldn't really want someone on probation who is an addict.  It's a slippery slope. 

Why would this matter at all? 

I'm not seeing the connection either.

Right. A friend of ours is a sheriff. He came to our wedding. He didn't go around arresting people he knew were smoking pot. 

And here it seems like the bride would actually love it if there was a spontaneous trial and this dude wound up in jail. 

banana468

Cmay0323

My husband is a police officer and I am a mandated reporter through my profession as are other close friends,  who all have reported him in the past.  This is why we feel unsafe being around him.  

However, with that being said, we do know through his current probation officer that he has been testing clean.  I told the bride that no matter how much we all hate him, when it's her day she will not even notice that he is there. (If he even shows up).

No matter how in appropriate it may be, I will still never step foot in this friends house when she is dating him and have made it clear he is not welcome at my home, my family and career is way more important to me than being socially correct. He can talk to me when he is at least a year clean. 

CMGragain

If I were advising the bride, I would say that she should welcome all of her guests.  If one of them is visibly intoxicated or high, a security person should ask them to leave.

You, yourself, are free to make your own rules.  If you are uncomfortable being around a person, you may quietly leave.  What you may NOT do is to tell the bride whom she can invite to her own wedding.

I hope your friend has a lovely wedding.

JediElizabeth

Cmay0323 said:

My husband is a police officer and I am a mandated reporter through my profession as are other close friends,  who all have reported him in the past.  This is why we feel unsafe being around him.  

However, with that being said, we do know through his current probation officer that he has been testing clean.  I told the bride that no matter how much we all hate him, when it's her day she will not even notice that he is there. (If he even shows up).

No matter how in appropriate it may be, I will still never step foot in this friends house when she is dating him and have made it clear he is not welcome at my home, my family and career is way more important to me than being socially correct. He can talk to me when he is at least a year clean. 

This is totally appropriate. My partner is a mental health counselor who works with children, so we have the same rules. 

It's only inappropriate for an event when that person is a SO of a guest, and all SOs are expected to be invited. It's one reason people generally have their receptions at a venue instead of their homes - they don't want to take out all the insurance and still have a lot of liability for their guests. Even without (known) dependency issues, there's a lot of risk to manage.  I didn't know a third of my guest list (SOs and IL's friends), and I wouldn't have been comfortable with them all in my home. 

Ro041

divarhd said:

Welp, I can say in my case, there will be Judges, State's Attorneys and public Defenders at my wedding, so I wouldn't really want someone on probation who is an addict.  It's a slippery slope. 

I am an attorney and a good number of people who come to our wedding will be attorneys practicing all areas of law.  I would never think to self-identify us as lawyers in a situation like this because it really doesn't matter.  In fact, wouldn't it be a deterrent if there was a group of lawyers at a reception?

divarhd

Ro041 said:

divarhd said:

Welp, I can say in my case, there will be Judges, State's Attorneys and public Defenders at my wedding, so I wouldn't really want someone on probation who is an addict.  It's a slippery slope. 

I am an attorney and a good number of people who come to our wedding will be attorneys practicing all areas of law.  I would never think to self-identify us as lawyers in a situation like this because it really doesn't matter.  In fact, wouldn't it be a deterrent if there was a group of lawyers at a reception?

It's all about perception.  Would I want my boss (a judge) and my FIs boss (the district Public Defender) assuming this is the type of person we associate with outside of work?  Whether it's their business or not, again, perception is everything.

charlotte989875

divarhd said:

Ro041 said:

divarhd said:

Welp, I can say in my case, there will be Judges, State's Attorneys and public Defenders at my wedding, so I wouldn't really want someone on probation who is an addict.  It's a slippery slope. 

I am an attorney and a good number of people who come to our wedding will be attorneys practicing all areas of law.  I would never think to self-identify us as lawyers in a situation like this because it really doesn't matter.  In fact, wouldn't it be a deterrent if there was a group of lawyers at a reception?

It's all about perception.  Would I want my boss (a judge) and my FIs boss (the district Public Defender) assuming this is the type of person we associate with outside of work?  Whether it's their business or not, again, perception is everything.

Honestly, you're overthinking this. Your boss isn't going to think less of you because a guest you invite brings someone who may, potentially act out, unless your boss already has a poor impression of you. 

kahluakoala

charlotte989875 said:

divarhd said:

Ro041 said:

divarhd said:

Welp, I can say in my case, there will be Judges, State's Attorneys and public Defenders at my wedding, so I wouldn't really want someone on probation who is an addict.  It's a slippery slope. 

I am an attorney and a good number of people who come to our wedding will be attorneys practicing all areas of law.  I would never think to self-identify us as lawyers in a situation like this because it really doesn't matter.  In fact, wouldn't it be a deterrent if there was a group of lawyers at a reception?

It's all about perception.  Would I want my boss (a judge) and my FIs boss (the district Public Defender) assuming this is the type of person we associate with outside of work?  Whether it's their business or not, again, perception is everything.

Honestly, you're overthinking this. Your boss isn't going to think less of you because a guest you invite brings someone who may, potentially act out, unless your boss already has a poor impression of you. 

Offtopic, but this is also probably why you wouldn't want to invite your boss to your wedding unless you're actually friends or already socialize outside of work.

ei34

divarhd said:

Ro041 said:

divarhd said:

Welp, I can say in my case, there will be Judges, State's Attorneys and public Defenders at my wedding, so I wouldn't really want someone on probation who is an addict.  It's a slippery slope. 

I am an attorney and a good number of people who come to our wedding will be attorneys practicing all areas of law.  I would never think to self-identify us as lawyers in a situation like this because it really doesn't matter.  In fact, wouldn't it be a deterrent if there was a group of lawyers at a reception?

It's all about perception.  Would I want my boss (a judge) and my FIs boss (the district Public Defender) assuming this is the type of person we associate with outside of work?  Whether it's their business or not, again, perception is everything.

For all you know, the judge or public defender may have drug addicts or abusers or criminals in their families.  No matter how "upstanding" someone is, it's no guarantee that a random cousin or sister's on/off boyfriend isn't.  One or two questionable wedding guests wouldn't give me a bad opinion about the bride and groom. 

YourDogDontKnowSit

Cmay0323 said:

My husband is a police officer and I am a mandated reporter through my profession as are other close friends,  who all have reported him in the past.  This is why we feel unsafe being around him.  

However, with that being said, we do know through his current probation officer that he has been testing clean.  I told the bride that no matter how much we all hate him, when it's her day she will not even notice that he is there. (If he even shows up).

No matter how in appropriate it may be, I will still never step foot in this friends house when she is dating him and have made it clear he is not welcome at my home, my family and career is way more important to me than being socially correct. He can talk to me when he is at least a year clean. 

Is that public information or something? I'm confused how you/the social group would know via his PO that he was testing clean...doesn't really seem like the type of information that person is supposed to share. 

VerizonGirl

Yes, someone should call and say no. And if your friends' parents' names are on the top line of the invitation, then it's her parents who are requesting that guests come - so it's her mom who makes the call to an invited guest regarding an uninvited guest.  And her mom already knows what to say.

PrettyGirlLost

divarhd said:

Ro041 said:

divarhd said:

Welp, I can say in my case, there will be Judges, State's Attorneys and public Defenders at my wedding, so I wouldn't really want someone on probation who is an addict.  It's a slippery slope. 

I am an attorney and a good number of people who come to our wedding will be attorneys practicing all areas of law.  I would never think to self-identify us as lawyers in a situation like this because it really doesn't matter.  In fact, wouldn't it be a deterrent if there was a group of lawyers at a reception?

It's all about perception.  Would I want my boss (a judge) and my FIs boss (the district Public Defender) assuming this is the type of person we associate with outside of work?  Whether it's their business or not, again, perception is everything.

What type of person?  A recovering addict?

How would either of your bosses even know a random person at a wedding was a recovering addict?  It's not like they are walking around with a scarlet "A" on their chests.

What the hell do you guys do, run background checks on everyone you meet at parties?

VerizonGirl said:

Yes, someone should call and say no. And if your friends' parents' names are on the top line of the invitation, then it's her parents who are requesting that guests come - so it's her mom who makes the call to an invited guest regarding an uninvited guest.  And her mom already knows what to say.

No.  Just No to all of this.

See PP's responses.