DW 2018

JediElizabeth

OP, previous posters have some great advice, but I'm really quite focused on this part:

future2018bride said:

To make a long story short,

His family wants us to either:
1. Elope. 
2. Cut down their guest list on the # of people they have invited.  

We are doing the destination wedding because it was the only way we could convince his family to not do either option. We feel that would be extremely rude after having an engagement party to either elope without anyone in attendance, or purposefully not invite guests to the wedding that were invited to the engagement party.

It sounds like his family has a lot of power in this, even though they're not paying for anything. How does your family feel about having to spend thousands each to go to a DW, on top of the money your mother has offered? Obviously, you and your FI are very stressed about this situation, but are you ok with this level of added stress?

If you want a DW because you and your FI have always wanted to get married on the beach in the Caribbean and it's very special to you, by all means, please do it. But please realize that it may mean that one uncle of yours who's been down on his luck lately may not be able to come, or close friends you would have otherwise loved to see there will not be able to take the vacation time to come. And please reconsider giving one set of parents the reins when they're not paying for the wedding.

You have enough between you and your mother to host 120 guests well, even if you lower both of your budgets to $7500 - a $15,000 wedding can be very lovely at that size. A local wedding allows for either a dry or limited bar, does not require you to provide multiple meals for all 120 guests, and doesn't have the obvious cost of travel and transportation for you. 

Again, I'm just urging you to do what you and your FI want, not give in to the pressure of his family. As a married couple, one of the hardest skills to learn is to listen to and respect the wishes of your individual families, but to ultimately make your own decisions - which they may not agree with, and will definitely push back on. (In my own experience )

CMGragain

Good catch, @JediElizabeth !  I missed that part.  OP, why does your FI's family have any say in how you get married?  They aren't paying for it.

future2018bride

Hi everyone!

We (fiancé and I) want to have a DW. We currently live in Buffalo, however, both of our families do not. They live in LI. In addition many members of his family also live out of state and would have to travel. We both travel ourselves and love the idea of doing so in the Caribbean as someone had stated above! (Originally we were going to elope in Japan this September, but we changed that since his family would be offended.)

My family loves the idea of the DW (they suggested it!) We have had numerous DWs in our family and they always think it's a great way to go in terms of having a wedding. (Even attended some with 100+). 

In terms of invites for the wedding this is basically the same situation we are in. Our families both paid for the engagement party, however, there were members of his family that we both did not meet until the party! 

We do not want to offend his parents and immediate family as they have stated they would be depending on the route we took in terms of getting married. However, we both have talked about it and we were ok with eloping, so we will also still continue with the idea of having a DW even if members of our immediate family can not attend. 

SP29

That is just fine if you and your FI *want* to have a DW and you have cleared the date with your VIPs.

But I'm still a bit confused- why do you need to cut down on the numbers from FI's family?

Unless your in-laws are contributing to the wedding cost, they do not get a say in your guest list. You are right that it would be rude not to invite someone to your wedding who was invited to the engagement party.

future2018bride

Good question! They were going to contribute if we had a wedding in LI however that's not the way we want to go with our plans. We are taking someone's suggestion here and not bringing it up to them any longer!

southernbelle0915

I just want to add that your budget is what you have in the bank. Do not plan on promised money. If your mom hasn't literally transferred $10K to your account and it has showed up, you don't have it. 

Couples come here All. The. Time. freaking out when promised money doesn't pan out. And it's not that the families are flaky. 

LondonLisa

If you want to have a DW, that is fine. But I completely agree with @southernbelle0915- you would be surprised how often people post about family members not paying after promising x amount.

Also, you need to actually get married in the Caribbean if you are having a DW- no 'signing the papers' at home and having a symbolic ceremony (this is not a thing). You need to actually get married and jump through all the local legal hurdles at your resort. This may limit your options of destinations because some countries have residency requirements.  

southernbelle0915

DITTO to actually getting married there. We went to a "wedding" in Jamaica a few years ago. I found out 6 months ago that they "got all the paperwork out of the way" here in the States before the event and didn't tell anyone except their immediate family. 

We spent thousands, used our PTO, and missed another actual wedding here at home to attend. I am still so pissed. If I had known they were just having a play pretend ceremony, we would have saved a bunch of money and attended the other ACTUAL wedding. 

InLoveInQueens

southernbelle0915 said:

DITTO to actually getting married there. We went to a "wedding" in Jamaica a few years ago. I found out 6 months ago that they "got all the paperwork out of the way" here in the States before the event and didn't tell anyone except their immediate family. 

We spent thousands, used our PTO, and missed another actual wedding here at home to attend. I am still so pissed. If I had known they were just having a play pretend ceremony, we would have saved a bunch of money and attended the other ACTUAL wedding. 

Nothing ruins a relationship faster than finding out your friend lied to your face, played dress up and pretend in front of you, and spent your money just because they care more about their vision than their nearest and dearest.