Hurt my Father's feelings... advice for a wedding dummy?

SameLer5Ever

My father is upset with me because I informed him that I would like to have my step-dad walk me down the aisle as well as him. I can’t pick between the 2 of them so I would rather walk alone than give into my father’s fit.

Background: my biological father was present in my life, but not a great dad. He treated my mom like crap and denied that I was his real child until a few years ago when I finally confronted him about it (he thought my mom cheated on him as he thought he was sterile, sorry tmi). My parents divorced when I was 12 and my mom met my step-dad when I was 16. My father paid very little child support and rarely visited me.

Though I was a bit older when my step-dad came into my life, he has been a rock for our family. He supports me in every way he can and has taken care of my mom in some tough times, for which I am truly appreciative. I consider him my chosen dad.

Fast forward to my wedding and I ask both if they would be okay with sharing the walking me down the aisle responsibility. My step-dad was so honored and happy; he was 100% on board. My biological father though blew up and accused me of not considering his feelings and hurting him on purpose. I have apologized a few times now and tried to explain that he is not being replaced, but my step-dad is an additional, supportive parent that deserves to be included. I do not wish to diminish his role, but I cannot exclude my step-dad.

The funny thing about all this is that my father hasn’t seemed keen to coming to the wedding at all. He is prepping me with potential excuses for not coming like: I might start a new job and can’t ask for the weekend off, not even for a wedding; I might have too much yard work that weekend (he manages an apartment building), etc. I don’t want to assume the worst, but this is typical of him to set up with excuses and then bail the last second. If he is on the fence about even coming, why would he care who walks me down the aisle? Maybe another potential excuse…

My question is, has anyone been in a similar situation and can offer advice for managing my father’s feelings further? I left the ball in his court last time we spoke, telling him if he doesn’t want my step-dad to be included then maybe we shouldn’t do it at all. As in, the whole family will just sit in the front row and enjoy the laid-back ceremony. At least that’s what I was hoping for… We haven’t spoken since and I’m worried that this will just make him not come. I really want him there, but at the same time, I don’t negotiate with emotional terrorists.

Be honest, even if it’s harsh. I need a dose of reality. Sorry for the long post.

missfrodo

SameLer5Ever said:

My father is upset with me because I informed him that I would like to have my step-dad walk me down the aisle as well as him. I can’t pick between the 2 of them so I would rather walk alone than give into my father’s fit.

Background: my biological father was present in my life, but not a great dad. He treated my mom like crap and denied that I was his real child until a few years ago when I finally confronted him about it (he thought my mom cheated on him as he thought he was sterile, sorry tmi). My parents divorced when I was 12 and my mom met my step-dad when I was 16. My father paid very little child support and rarely visited me.

Though I was a bit older when my step-dad came into my life, he has been a rock for our family. He supports me in every way he can and has taken care of my mom in some tough times, for which I am truly appreciative. I consider him my chosen dad.

Fast forward to my wedding and I ask both if they would be okay with sharing the walking me down the aisle responsibility. My step-dad was so honored and happy; he was 100% on board. My biological father though blew up and accused me of not considering his feelings and hurting him on purpose. I have apologized a few times now and tried to explain that he is not being replaced, but my step-dad is an additional, supportive parent that deserves to be included. I do not wish to diminish his role, but I cannot exclude my step-dad.

The funny thing about all this is that my father hasn’t seemed keen to coming to the wedding at all. He is prepping me with potential excuses for not coming like: I might start a new job and can’t ask for the weekend off, not even for a wedding; I might have too much yard work that weekend (he manages an apartment building), etc. I don’t want to assume the worst, but this is typical of him to set up with excuses and then bail the last second. If he is on the fence about even coming, why would he care who walks me down the aisle? Maybe another potential excuse…

My question is, has anyone been in a similar situation and can offer advice for managing my father’s feelings further? I left the ball in his court last time we spoke, telling him if he doesn’t want my step-dad to be included then maybe we shouldn’t do it at all. As in, the whole family will just sit in the front row and enjoy the laid-back ceremony. At least that’s what I was hoping for… We haven’t spoken since and I’m worried that this will just make him not come. I really want him there, but at the same time, I don’t negotiate with emotional terrorists.

Be honest, even if it’s harsh. I need a dose of reality. Sorry for the long post.

I'm sorry your bio dad is so manipulative.  I think you know that there is no winning with him, no matter what you do.  At this point, he can't even commit to showing up to the wedding, so I wouldn't worry about hurting HIS feelings (it seems he's hurt yours, however).  If he reaches out to you, tell him he is welcome to walk you down the aisle along with your step-father, and if he feels uncomfortable doing so he is welcome to sit in the front row with the rest of your immediate families.  If he throws a fit and says he won't attend unless he is the only one escorting you, tell him you're sorry he feels that way and he will be missed.  Don't give in to his tantrum, as it would just be rewarding bad behavior.  Plan to have your step-father walk you, and if bio dad decides to show, great, and if not, well...I know you want him there, but this is one of those things out of your control.  Just because this man helped create you, it doesn't give him the right to treat you like crap.  If he routinely bails on important events, expect the same behavior here, and you won't be disappointed, only pleasantly surprised if he turns up.

levioosa

To be honest, I'm surprised you asked your bio dad at all.  He sounds super manipulative. I wouldn't have offered to forgo the walk at all.  Your step-dad sounds like a really important person in your life that you wanted to honor. Don't give that up if you don't want to. Take your bio-dad's feelings out of the equation. He sounds like he will create problems no matter what the solution is.  If he continues to bug you about it, be firm with him. "I'm sorry you feel that way dad, but I care about Step-dad too.  I would like you both to walk me down the aisle. If you don't want to join us, you are welcome to sit in the front row." If he threatens not to come, just tell him you will miss him at the wedding and leave it at that. 

MobKaz

I agree with PP's.  I can dish harsh, so apologies if it's a bit strong.

I don't think you hurt his feelings at all.  I think you put a dent in his ego and pride.  Your bio-dad once again put himself above you and your step-dad.  His first reaction was all about him.  You have nothing for which to apologize.

Plan your wedding with your step-dad walking you down the aisle.  Don't discuss it further with your bio-dad.  Send him an invitation at the appropriate time.  Let him choose whether he attends.  If he declines, it really doesn't matter what reason he offers.  He is once again choosing himself.  That is all out of your control. 

downtondiva

You said harsh was okay, so I'm going to be harsh: your biological father does not care about you or this important moment in your life. He just wants to have some of the spotlight and play the role of the doting dad for one day, without having to put the effort in of actually being your dad. This is a completely self-centered move on his part, and you absolutely must not give in to him.

I think it's great that you have such a good relationship with your stepdad and want to include him. You should not compromise that for your bio-dad's sake. Tell your father that your stepdad is walking you down the aisle and that he's welcome to join you two if he wants. If he refuses to come if it's not just him walking you down the aisle, tell him you're sorry to hear that and you'll miss him at the wedding. And leave it at that. 

justsie

I agree with everything PPs have said, you are not responsible nor are you able to change an adult man's feelings/opinions, especially someone who clearly is not willing to look past themselves for someone else. He has shown you who he is throughout your life, so believe him. If you want to, keep the invitation open but with every excuse he gives meet him with "I will miss you at the wedding then". Stop apologizing to him because you have done nothing to apologize for- you're only feeding into exactly what he wants. 

CMGragain

It is YOUR place to decide whom you want to escort you down the aisle.  No one else!  You asked your Bio Dad, and he refused to share the honor.  That leaves you perfectly free to ask you Step-Dad to be your escort.
Being the Father of the Bride, whatever the circumstances, does not give a man the right to be her bridal escort.  That is something that she alone decides.  We have seen quite a few brides who prefer someone other than their father to escort them.
Dad had his chance and he blew it!  You are not responsible for his childish and selfish feelings of envy.  He gave up being your "Dad" long ago.  He has proven himself to be an ass.   Lucky you to have a wonderful Step-Dad!
You haven't done anything wrong.  Stop apologizing to him.  You are only enabling his childish behavior.

climbingsingle

Your bio dad sounds like a real jerk. That sucks, and I'm sorry for the way he's treating you. I think you're right on point with how you're handling this. If he doesn't show up, it's HIS loss, not yours. You have a great step-dad that you love, that has actually been there for you. I wouldn't even entertain the idea of him walking me down the aisle if I were in your situation. 

SameLer5Ever

Thanks to all you lovely people for the head shake. I really appreciate the advice and since everyone seems to be on the same page, I think I will revise my position. I'll just tell him I would like them both to do it and if he doesn't like it then he is free to sit it out.
I felt like I was doing something wrong by including my stepdad, but that's just my father manipulating me. I can't believe I didn't immediately realize that was so selfish of him.
Thanks again for the kick in the butt and the sound advice. Five weeks until I marry the man of my dreams! That's the most important part.

southernbelle0915

SameLer5Ever said:

Thanks to all you lovely people for the head shake. I really appreciate the advice and since everyone seems to be on the same page, I think I will revise my position. I'll just tell him I would like them both to do it and if he doesn't like it then he is free to sit it out.
I felt like I was doing something wrong by including my stepdad, but that's just my father manipulating me. I can't believe I didn't immediately realize that was so selfish of him.
Thanks again for the kick in the butt and the sound advice. Five weeks until I marry the man of my dreams! That's the most important part.

Yes! 

Personally, I wouldn't ask your bio dad at all after his childish tantrum. I would simply walk with my stepdad, but I understand you not wanting to feel like you're slighting your bio dad (even though you're totally not AT ALL). 

Think about this long-term....is this man who denied you were even his kid, didn't support you financially, emotionally, or otherwise, and who makes everything about himself..is he really someone you're going to have a long-term relationship with? Or is that relationship probably going to end up being with your step dad? I think you know the answer. Family can often be people you choose.

short+sassy

SameLer5Ever said:

Fast forward to my wedding and I ask both if they would be okay with sharing the walking me down the aisle responsibility. My step-dad was so honored and happy; he was 100% on board. My biological father though blew up and accused me of not considering his feelings and hurting him on purpose. I have apologized a few times now and tried to explain that he is not being replaced, but my step-dad is an additional, supportive parent that deserves to be included. I do not wish to diminish his role, but I cannot exclude my step-dad.

I just wanted to add I think this was a PERFECT way to explain your choice in an attempt to mollify his "hurt" feelings.  There was nothing to feel "hurt" about, but sadly that is the kind of man he is.

He should really be thanking your step-dad for being such a positive and supportive influence in his daughter's life.  But that most definitely is not the kind of man he is either.

Jen4948

Your biological father does not have "feelings" for you. He merely uses you to stroke his ego.

Whatever you do, I would not deprive your stepdad of the honor of walking you down the aisle because he really deserves it.

If your biological father remains unable or unwilling to share that honor with your stepdad, then he should merely sit in the front row. If he refuses to do even that, especially if he throws any temper tantrums or gives you any ultimatums, I think you should simply tell him that you're sorry he won't be able to attend your wedding and let it go at that.

Above all, do not give in to any manipulation.

Best wishes!