Snarky Brides

Wedding Vs. No Wedding

edited July 16 in Snarky Brides
Here's the thing, I'm getting married in September and I am so excited for it because it's everything I want to have. It's quirky and I've managed to work my love for Marvel Superheroes - Deadpool to be specific - and yet still kind of classy if I do say so myself.

I managed to spend $10,000 in this whole thing, and managed to save some money by having a lot of the stuff I could have done in the Philippines (because I currently live overseas but will have the wedding in the USA - you guys it's so hard to plan a wedding happening in the US while you're all the way in ASIA - but I'm coping).

Anyway, almost every single time I talk to anyone about my wedding - almost all the expats and a lot of other people find it in themselves to tell me how expensive my wedding is and how inexpensive theirs was.

How they had theirs at a backyard or at a bar or just had a court wedding then a reception at their house. Which is perfectly fine - but every single time they tell me this, it is always followed by: "I don't know how people can spend so much on a one day event."

Dude. Like. I don't give a flying biscuit butt about how you didn't have a wedding and saved your money and traveled Asia instead. Good for you. But when I say, "I've dreamt about having this kind of wedding since I was a kid" and you say, "I'm not like other girls, I've never had a dream wedding." - You can gtfo.

Good for you that your friend offered to take pictures at your backyard wedding - but I don't want a shaky Jane to take pictures of my special day - that's why I hired a professional to do it.

Also, I probably wouldn't have been so upset about it but it's been like 15 times this past two weeks, and I have had it up to here with that kind of nonsense.

Re: Wedding Vs. No Wedding

  • Why on earth are you telling people how much you are spending on your wedding?  That is really tacky!  Money matters are only discussed with your vendors.  Stop talking about money.  It is vulgar.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    InLoveInQueensMircakesdridknottiec0607c2fda3eba98
  • edited July 17
    CMGragain said:
    Why on earth are you telling people how much you are spending on your wedding?  That is really tacky!  Money matters are only discussed with your vendors.  Stop talking about money.  It is vulgar.
    They asked?

    They're asking me about details about the wedding and shit. So I tell them. They ask me about how much this costs and I tell them.

    I'm sorry if you find it tacky but I really don't see the big deal with it.

    Also, not everyone has your sensibilities when it comes to money. I like people telling me how much their wedding cost so I can figure out my budget. Some people can keep it a secret and good for them, but to call me tacky just because I don't see a big deal with discussing wedding costs is kinda shitty.
    knottiec0607c2fda3eba98
  • MobKaz said:
    Here's the thing, I'm getting married in September and I am so excited for it because it's everything I want to have. It's quirky and I've managed to work my love for Marvel Superheroes - Deadpool to be specific - and yet still kind of classy if I do say so myself.

    I managed to spend $10,000 in this whole thing, and managed to save some money by having a lot of the stuff I could have done in the Philippines (because I currently live overseas but will have the wedding in the USA - you guys it's so hard to plan a wedding happening in the US while you're all the way in ASIA - but I'm coping).

    Anyway, almost every single time I talk to anyone about my wedding - almost all the expats and a lot of other people find it in themselves to tell me how expensive my wedding is and how inexpensive theirs was.

    How they had theirs at a backyard or at a bar or just had a court wedding then a reception at their house. Which is perfectly fine - but every single time they tell me this, it is always followed by: "I don't know how people can spend so much on a one day event."

    Dude. Like. I don't give a flying biscuit butt about how you didn't have a wedding and saved your money and traveled Asia instead. Good for you. But when I say, "I've dreamt about having this kind of wedding since I was a kid" and you say, "I'm not like other girls, I've never had a dream wedding." - You can gtfo.

    Good for you that your friend offered to take pictures at your backyard wedding - but I don't want a shaky Jane to take pictures of my special day - that's why I hired a professional to do it.

    Also, I probably wouldn't have been so upset about it but it's been like 15 times this past two weeks, and I have had it up to here with that kind of nonsense.
    The easiest way to stop the comments is by not talking about the wedding.

    Some life events, particularly weddings and pregnancies, seem to draw the worst of unsolicited comments and opinions.  If someone offers advice or suggestions, smile, nod, and make a brief, general response such as "Sounds like that worked great for you", or "We went a different way with that".  Follow that comment up with a change of subject, such as, "Is it ever going to rain?"

    I think this comment...... : "I don't know how people can spend so much on a one day event", or a version of it, multiple times in any given year.  My son is a "foodie".  When he completed his PhD, we gifted him an experience at the best restaurant in Chicago.  $700 for 2 people!  I could never in my wildest dreams spend that money on something I consider frivolous for myself.  But I do know that for my son and his wife, they enjoyed that experience much more than any tangible gift I could have purchased.  I have friends that prefer to live in a cramped home (from my POV) but spend much of their money on world wide travel.  My SIL and her family have a modest home, but spent their time and extra money on "toys" for the boys.  They have boats and campers and ATV's, and spend many weekends enjoying those toys.  People can and do make choices on a daily basis as to what enjoyments in life they will prioritize.  There is never a need to explain, defend, or apologize for them.

    Happy wedding to you.
    The thing is I just want to show my friends the invitation because they're not gonna make it. I live in Asia right now and can't really do much about it other than share what I can with them.

    I've learned to expect them to be surprised because of how much cheaper it is in Asia than it is in America... so I really don't tell them how much it cost unless they ask.

    And they do.

    That's when it goes from "Oh that's so cool!" to "Oh, that's so frivolous."
  • MobKaz said:
    Here's the thing, I'm getting married in September and I am so excited for it because it's everything I want to have. It's quirky and I've managed to work my love for Marvel Superheroes - Deadpool to be specific - and yet still kind of classy if I do say so myself.

    I managed to spend $10,000 in this whole thing, and managed to save some money by having a lot of the stuff I could have done in the Philippines (because I currently live overseas but will have the wedding in the USA - you guys it's so hard to plan a wedding happening in the US while you're all the way in ASIA - but I'm coping).

    Anyway, almost every single time I talk to anyone about my wedding - almost all the expats and a lot of other people find it in themselves to tell me how expensive my wedding is and how inexpensive theirs was.

    How they had theirs at a backyard or at a bar or just had a court wedding then a reception at their house. Which is perfectly fine - but every single time they tell me this, it is always followed by: "I don't know how people can spend so much on a one day event."

    Dude. Like. I don't give a flying biscuit butt about how you didn't have a wedding and saved your money and traveled Asia instead. Good for you. But when I say, "I've dreamt about having this kind of wedding since I was a kid" and you say, "I'm not like other girls, I've never had a dream wedding." - You can gtfo.

    Good for you that your friend offered to take pictures at your backyard wedding - but I don't want a shaky Jane to take pictures of my special day - that's why I hired a professional to do it.

    Also, I probably wouldn't have been so upset about it but it's been like 15 times this past two weeks, and I have had it up to here with that kind of nonsense.
    The easiest way to stop the comments is by not talking about the wedding.

    Some life events, particularly weddings and pregnancies, seem to draw the worst of unsolicited comments and opinions.  If someone offers advice or suggestions, smile, nod, and make a brief, general response such as "Sounds like that worked great for you", or "We went a different way with that".  Follow that comment up with a change of subject, such as, "Is it ever going to rain?"

    I think this comment...... : "I don't know how people can spend so much on a one day event", or a version of it, multiple times in any given year.  My son is a "foodie".  When he completed his PhD, we gifted him an experience at the best restaurant in Chicago.  $700 for 2 people!  I could never in my wildest dreams spend that money on something I consider frivolous for myself.  But I do know that for my son and his wife, they enjoyed that experience much more than any tangible gift I could have purchased.  I have friends that prefer to live in a cramped home (from my POV) but spend much of their money on world wide travel.  My SIL and her family have a modest home, but spent their time and extra money on "toys" for the boys.  They have boats and campers and ATV's, and spend many weekends enjoying those toys.  People can and do make choices on a daily basis as to what enjoyments in life they will prioritize.  There is never a need to explain, defend, or apologize for them.

    Happy wedding to you.
    The thing is I just want to show my friends the invitation because they're not gonna make it. I live in Asia right now and can't really do much about it other than share what I can with them.

    I've learned to expect them to be surprised because of how much cheaper it is in Asia than it is in America... so I really don't tell them how much it cost unless they ask.

    And they do.

    That's when it goes from "Oh that's so cool!" to "Oh, that's so frivolous."
    You still don't have to say anything when they ask. You can even say 'oh, I hate talking about money' and change the subject. 

    You need to learn the Miss Manners quiet stare when someone says something rude. 

    Them: how much did that cost?
    you: I hate talking about momey
    then: must have been expensive, that's so frivolous
    you: **quiet stare as their rudeness sinks in**
    you (after a good beat): so how's your uncles new business going?

    lather, rinse, repeat. 

    But also, you should not be speaking about or showing the invitation to people not invited to the wedding. You definitely should not be telling people how much things cost- It's opening the door for comment! 


    I suppose it's just a culture thing? I dunno. Maybe it's an Asian thing as well, because I'm not Asian-American, I'm asian-asian. Hahaha. It's very common for people in Asia to ask things that are considered "tacky" for Americans.

    "How old are you?" "What's your weight?" "How much money do you make?" "How much money do your parents make?" "Wow, your English is amazing for an Asian."

    It's not a big deal when people ask me because I'm used to it growing up.

    And these are people that I would love to invite if they could actually get a visa to travel to the US. Having lived overseas all my life, I've made friends that of course won't be able to make it to the wedding. It's sad time trying to fill up the bridal party, let me tell you hahaha.

    Like I said, it's not a big deal.

    The funny thing is, it's mostly the expat friends from America that I met that are shitting on my wedding plans. And I just want to rant about it because it hurts my wee little feelings. Hahahaha.
  • Maybe it is a cultural thing, but if you're telling people how much you spent and are annoyed by comments they make in response just stop telling them what you spent. 
    Like I said, I don't go out of my way to tell them how much it costs. I don't complain about it. I don't brag about it.

    They ask, I answer, then they say stuff about it.

    The first time, it was alright.

    The second time, still pretty cool.

    By the 5th time that week, I got tired of it.

    Hence the rant.

    Because what annoys me more is not that they think it's too expensive but that they just can't be happy for me and expect me to change my mind about what I had already spent? That's the purpose of the rant.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Maybe it is a cultural thing, but if you're telling people how much you spent and are annoyed by comments they make in response just stop telling them what you spent. 
    Like I said, I don't go out of my way to tell them how much it costs. I don't complain about it. I don't brag about it.

    They ask, I answer, then they say stuff about it.

    The first time, it was alright.

    The second time, still pretty cool.

    By the 5th time that week, I got tired of it.

    Hence the rant.

    Because what annoys me more is not that they think it's too expensive but that they just can't be happy for me and expect me to change my mind about what I had already spent? That's the purpose of the rant.

    If you know the culture then you should have anticipated the responses.  You answered questions that were gauche to ask in the first place.  If, in that culture, spending $10K would be unexpected and/or shocking, it stands to reason that the response would spin toward that and not the wedding or your happiness itself.  There is a way to end it....you have to break it.

    cy·cle1
    /ˈsīk(ə)l/
    noun
    1. a series of events that are regularly repeated in the same order:
    2. synonyms: round, rotation, pattern, rhythm


      InLoveInQueensOurWildKingdom
    1. redoryxredoryx
      1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
      member
      Look. You can't have it both ways. 

      You don't have to tell them the exact dollar amount. But if you do, people will have reactions. You know they will have reactions, you have witnessed those reactions. And yet you continue to tell them the exact dollar amount and you continue to complain about their reactions. 

      So either stop telling people the dollar amount or stop complaining about their reactions. 
      image
      InLoveInQueensOurWildKingdomMircakesSTARMOON44
    2. MircakesMircakes
      25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
      member
      Like PP said, stop telling people how much the wedding costs. It isn't any of their business. And while some cultures do openly discuss money, that does not mean you have to give anyone that information. 

      The only way to stop their reactions to your budget is... don't talk about it! Simple as that. If someone asks how much your wedding cost, just say "Why do you ask?"

      If they have a legitimate reason for asking (for example, they are planning their own similar-size wedding in the same city as you, and want an idea of what to expect in terms of budget) then tell them if you'd like. If they don't have a legitimate reason, asking them "Why do you ask?" often makes them realize that they're being rude and nosey. 
      short+sassyInLoveInQueens
    3. CMGragainCMGragain
      10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
      member
      edited July 19
      CMGragain said:
      Why on earth are you telling people how much you are spending on your wedding?  That is really tacky!  Money matters are only discussed with your vendors.  Stop talking about money.  It is vulgar.
      They asked?

      They're asking me about details about the wedding and shit. So I tell them. They ask me about how much this costs and I tell them.

      I'm sorry if you find it tacky but I really don't see the big deal with it.

      Also, not everyone has your sensibilities when it comes to money. I like people telling me how much their wedding cost so I can figure out my budget. Some people can keep it a secret and good for them, but to call me tacky just because I don't see a big deal with discussing wedding costs is kinda shitty.
      I just saw this.  I didn't call YOU tacky.  I said that your behavior was tacky, and it is.  Talking about how much something costs is very rude in British and American culture.  This is basic etiquette 101.
      The other ladies have given you good advice.  Please listen to them.
      httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    4. missfrodo said:
      kaos16 said:

      I'd love to hear more about what one would expect to see at a "Classy Deadpool" wedding, without specifics about how much it costs!


      Had to google "classy Deadpool wedding."  A few interesting options, though the more you scroll, the more you just get Deadpool comics, etc.  Here's a cake made of...Cake pops?  Chocolates?  Not sure.  They look like adorable little angry ladybugs/Deadpool heads, though!
      Image result for classy deadpool wedding
      That's actually really cute lol
    5. I would love to see more too!! I love Deadpool!
    6. I've been an expat in Asia before, and concur it is quite common for Asian people to ask about how much you spend on everything. Example: " How much did your sheets cost? Did you buy that online?  How much is your face cream?  Where do you buy your face cream from". However, in Western culture most of us are uncomfortable with this.  It is also very uncomfortable for people whose income may be much larger than their peers.  As for expat friends, there is no way I would share the cost of anything with, and would generally avoid speaking about the wedding with them if they are not invited.
      CMGragainInLoveInQueensshort+sassy
    7. Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
      10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
      member
      Just because they ask doesn't mean you need to answer.

      Since your answers are opening you up to judgment, you can reply by changing the subject (aka "bean-dipping") or you can ask them, "Why do you ask?"

      If they respond to "Why do you ask?" in a manner that's a prelude to hostile judgment, you again have the option of changing the subject or telling them, "It's something I'd rather not discuss."

      You do not have to engage people who seem to be about to give you hostility and negative judgment. But they're just as entitled to not understand and disagree with your perspectives as you are to not understand and disagree with theirs.
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