Ceremony and Vow Ideas
JamieLynn98
member
Complicated Inlaws
My fiance comes from a VERY complicated family. His mom and dad were never married and split up 20+ years ago. His mom was married to another guy for 7 years afterwards and then they divorced. Today, she's been with her current husband for 10+ years. My fiance doesn't have a good relationship with his father at all and he recently got into it with his grandparents over drama with his dad. His dad is also bringing some random date to our wedding, so I ABSOLUTELY do not want her to walk down the aisle. His Dad and his grandparents also aren't invited to the rehearsal dinner per his mom. They also aren't contributing anything to the wedding financially when my parents are contributed most, his mom and her current husband are contributing the whole rehearsal and the a small percentage of the wedding, and we're contributing a small percentage for the wedding. May I'm being crazy, but it's SUPER complicated.
My family on the other hand is very standard.
My dilemma though is how to do the processional for his side. I was thinking I would have his dad and ex stepfather already sitting on his side and then his grandparents walk down the aisle as mine would. Or the following..
1. My mom be escorted by my brothers.
2. His mom and her current husband walk down the aisle.
3. His dad walk down the aisle.
4. My grandparents walk down the aisle
5. His Grandparents walk down the aisle
6. Then being wedding party processional
NEED ADVICE!
My family on the other hand is very standard.
My dilemma though is how to do the processional for his side. I was thinking I would have his dad and ex stepfather already sitting on his side and then his grandparents walk down the aisle as mine would. Or the following..
1. My mom be escorted by my brothers.
2. His mom and her current husband walk down the aisle.
3. His dad walk down the aisle.
4. My grandparents walk down the aisle
5. His Grandparents walk down the aisle
6. Then being wedding party processional
NEED ADVICE!
Re: Complicated Inlaws
If it sounds like there's going to be drama with his dad attending, regardless of whether or not he walks, then I would suggest to your FI that nobody from his dad's side should walk. But again, let him make the decision on that.
Another thing I forgot to add is my fiance's grandparents are OVERLY involved in all of his drama with his dad. We almost weren't going to give his dad a date (bc to our knowledge he wasn't dating anyone since he broke up with the last woman in February) until he wrote one in on the invite without asking us. Then when we confronted it, his grandparents made a stink and said if he couldn't bring the date none of their family would come. It was insane. I left that decision up to my FI for obvious reasons, but I personally think the whole thing gets crazy. We're very lucky our venue and budget allows for an extra few guests. Still I just am having trouble being polite, but still getting the organization and ease of logistics that I want while incorporating his extended family into the wedding.
Should I bring my fiance's mom into the decision making process? Technically.. all these people are from their sides guest list.
Everyone you ask is entitled to decide for themselves if they will agree to any requests from you and your FI to walk down the aisle...but nobody is entitled to make that decision for anyone else.
It sounds like you may need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with your mom about this..and be prepared to pay for your wedding yourself if she insists on making her funding and participation conditional on whether she gets her way about this. The processional is one of the few portions of a wedding where paying does not entitle anyone other than the bridal couple to a say.
In Christian weddings only the bride and the bridal party process. The father may escort the bride if that is her choice. The mother is seated quietly just before the procession begins. The groom and the groomsmen wait quietly at the altar for the bridal part to arrive. They come in together before the ceremony begins, usually from the side. They do not process at all. The other guests, including the groom's parents, are seated during the prelude just like the other guests. (I used to be a church organist, and I have seen hundreds of weddings.)
If you are not having a religious wedding, you may do as your please. There is no reason for family members to be in the processional at all. It is not traditional. If you need ammunition for this, just check out a good etiquette book from your library and read it to Mom.
Absolutely not. It seems to me that you're already juggling too many bizarrely strong opinions on the simple matter of how to get folks in their seats. I would not include any of them in the processional itself. Instead:
- Your FFIL & his girlfriend can find their spots together on their own.
- Your FMIL & her husband can find their spots together on their own.
- Ditto the grandparents, but you could have ushers guide them to their spots if they need special assistance.
- Your brothers can escort your mother to her spot right before the processional begins.
All done! I know your mom is "all up in arms" about including the grandparents for whatever reason, but I'm with @Jen4948 in that you just need to tell her you've decided to go in another direction. Those who pay do get a say, but I doubt her contribution is really dependent on whether everyone watches her parents walk down the aisle. I think this is something you're both overthinking and it'll all seem like a silly worry once you move on."Not traditional" =/= "no reason for family members to be in the processional at all."
Anyone the couple wants, whether family members or not, whether otherwise in the wedding party or not, whether "traditional" or not, can be in the processional.
1) DH and I are Catholic: We had a pre-processional where my MIL and FIL walked down the aisle (they are married to each other) and my brother escorted my mother down the aisle before the bridal party.
2) When dear friends of ours (also Catholic) were married, the WP processed and then the groom was escorted by both of his parents and then the bride came down the aisle escorted by both parents. That's how their priest (who happens to be a distant relative of mine) does weddings and it's how they did theirs.
edit to add for clarity.
Without music prior to the processional.
1. Have the grandparents walk down the aisle before anything during prelude music
2. Have the girlfriend of my FI father sitting down. Have my fiance's father escorted by his daughter.
3. Have both my fiance's parents, then my mom be escorted down.
Then have processional music..
4. Then wedding party be escorted down.
Then a separate song for me to walk down the aisle with my dad.
That way it's kept to only family. I also may not even include my fiance's father. It's too much.
Nope! Sorry, but you do not get to choose how your FFIL is seated. This is HIS choice, not yours. You do not get to choose who he walks with as he takes his seat along with the other guests.
You are really overthinking this. Guests and family members take their seats during the prelude. This would include FFIL. The only exception is the MOB, who is escorted just before the processional begins. Family members are seated in the first row of seats. It is OK for your FFIL and his girlfriend to be seated in the second row.
I have to say this. I think you are being very judgemental about FFIL and his girlfriend. This is not your family! You need to stay out of his family squabbles. This "girlfriend" just might become your relative-in-law someday. Anything can happen. If you insult her at your wedding you may regret it later.
Needless to say, thanks for your input. My fiance and I make decisions together on everything, not one or the other. Soo I have to agree to disagree with your stance.
My fiance and I have talked about it and decided that his father mentioned above will walk with my fiance's half sister (his fathers daughter) and my Mom will be escorted by my grandpa instead of my brothers who are in the wedding party. Then his girlfriend also will not be included as my grandmother who passed away will not be to share with us.
To everyone else - Thanks so much for the advice! My fiance and I really feel we have a great plan together that honors all of our family members.
Weddings are supposed to be for the couple and their family and friends. Thanks!
Relationships with your in-laws can be one of the most complicated parts of a marriage. My FIL and I are very different people and often don't see eye-to-eye. But, I still keep my opinions to myself and do not perpetuate them. The point remains, he is now in my life whether I like it or not. I also caution you against speaking negatively about your FFIL with your FI or his family. Family dynamics change and you don't want to be known as the new wife who doesn't like his dad.
I don't understand the correlation between your deceased grandmother & your FFIL's girlfriend. I encourage you to reconsider. Letting your FFIL escort his girlfriend will not affect your marriage and would likely prevent friction within his family. Trust me, you'll be so overcome with joy that you won't notice her unless you decide to allow it to ruin your wedding day.
You should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking this, much less saying it.