Maid of Honor Woes (Long)

knottie3fee8d8d37b65cab

Hi everyone,

I need some advice on how to approach this situation. I'm getting married late next summer so I'm still early in the planning. I'll have 5 maids and my MOH. Her and I have been very close for the past 5 years. She's an amazing friend and very supportive. My other maids are my 2 sisters, and 3 very close (if not AS close as my MOH) friends. Well, my MOH has been showing what I think are some red flags and the feeling in my gut is not a warm fuzzy one.

Here's a few things she's done that are making me anxious-
-One of my maids (who I kind of regret not asking to be my MOH now) suggested we plan a bridesmaids dinner to get to know one another. I told my MOH and instead of agreeing she got annoyed and said she was the one who was supposed to be planning things and asked if I planned this or someone else. I told her one of the other maids suggested it because she wants to get to know you. She said well I should be the one who wants to get to know her! Then she asked me if the maid that suggested the dinner was a b***h! Then she said if she doesn't like any of the other girls not to worry because they'll never know. I was so thrown off I had no idea how to respond!
-We were discussing wedding details and she told me she sees my wedding with dark colors and silver accents. I said I want darker colors but with gold accents. Her Response? "Ew, gold is ugly but it's your day so whatever you want." Again, didn't know what to say.
-We had made plans to get together this week and she wants to go wedding dress shopping. I said I don't want to shop for my dress unless my step mom and future MIL can come as well. She got annoyed and said I was the one that wanted to go try on dresses. She then said she wants to go get a makeover, spray tan, hair done etc. I again say no I'm trying to save money for the wedding! Can't you just come over and talk about the plans with me? She got annoyed and said we planned this day a month ago are you kidding (we did NOT plan any of this!).
-I've sent her my other maids contact info FOUR TIMES because her phone was broken. I also sent all the maids her email and she never responded to their emails. She is impossible to get a hold of and sometimes doesn't call me back for days at a time. She still hasn't reached out to any of my other maids. 

My other girls have been so easy going and extremely flexible.

How should I handle my MOH's unreliability and controlling-ness? It's causing concern for me because we haven't really started the hardcore wedding stuff yet. My other bridesmaids want to plan a bridal shower and bachelorette party but with what happened with out bridesmaids dinner, I'm afraid my MOH will fly off again if it's not her idea. 

holyguacamole79

knottie3fee8d8d37b65cab said:

Hi everyone,

I need some advice on how to approach this situation. I'm getting married late next summer so I'm still early in the planning. I'll have 5 maids and my MOH. Her and I have been very close for the past 5 years. She's an amazing friend and very supportive. My other maids are my 2 sisters, and 3 very close (if not AS close as my MOH) friends. Well, my MOH has been showing what I think are some red flags and the feeling in my gut is not a warm fuzzy one.

Here's a few things she's done that are making me anxious-
-One of my maids (who I kind of regret not asking to be my MOH now) suggested we plan a bridesmaids dinner to get to know one another. I told my MOH and instead of agreeing she got annoyed and said she was the one who was supposed to be planning things and asked if I planned this or someone else. I told her one of the other maids suggested it because she wants to get to know you. She said well I should be the one who wants to get to know her! Then she asked me if the maid that suggested the dinner was a b***h! Then she said if she doesn't like any of the other girls not to worry because they'll never know. I was so thrown off I had no idea how to respond!
-We were discussing wedding details and she told me she sees my wedding with dark colors and silver accents. I said I want darker colors but with gold accents. Her Response? "Ew, gold is ugly but it's your day so whatever you want." Again, didn't know what to say.
-We had made plans to get together this week and she wants to go wedding dress shopping. I said I don't want to shop for my dress unless my step mom and future MIL can come as well. She got annoyed and said I was the one that wanted to go try on dresses. She then said she wants to go get a makeover, spray tan, hair done etc. I again say no I'm trying to save money for the wedding! Can't you just come over and talk about the plans with me? She got annoyed and said we planned this day a month ago are you kidding (we did NOT plan any of this!).
-I've sent her my other maids contact info FOUR TIMES because her phone was broken. I also sent all the maids her email and she never responded to their emails. She is impossible to get a hold of and sometimes doesn't call me back for days at a time. She still hasn't reached out to any of my other maids. 

My other girls have been so easy going and extremely flexible.

How should I handle my MOH's unreliability and controlling-ness? It's causing concern for me because we haven't really started the hardcore wedding stuff yet. My other bridesmaids want to plan a bridal shower and bachelorette party but with what happened with out bridesmaids dinner, I'm afraid my MOH will fly off again if it's not her idea. 

Stop talking to her about your wedding.   If the other women in your bridal party wish to throw you a shower,  graciously accept (if that is your wish).

Regarding "unreliability", there is nothing you need to rely on her for except for buying the dress and showing up to the wedding.   

There also is no need to have "getting to know you" events or activities before the wedding.  I didn't meet one of my sister's bridesmaids until the rehearsal.  

Your wedding is a year away.  I suggest you just relax with the wedding planning activities and enjoy your engagement for now. 

Also, contrary to what the wedding industry tells you, there are no additional duties or expectations of the MOH.  

knottie3fee8d8d37b65cab

Thanks for the advice. I actually don't bring up my wedding to her, she is the one that brings it up. As far as I'm concerned, we don't have to any planning for a while. We have all major vendors booked already. 

-Sigh- you're right. I just need to relax and let it go!

Knottiee1f600ef60336ab1

She sounds like a narcissistic former best friend of mine... she's blatantly gaslighting you and trying to make this all about her.  My advice is RUN do not walk.  It's a year away, you don't need this drama already.

However........

I totally understand if you want to try and make this work; in that case, I would definitely stop talking to her about the wedding.  Tell her what dress to buy and when to show up.  But it sounds like if you two even make it to the wedding as friends, chances are you won't be friends after it.  I have been MOH twice and I always felt the MOH's only job is to make sure the BRIDE gets what SHE wants.  It's not an excuse to be a diva.  Best of luck.

holyguacamole79

knottie3fee8d8d37b65cab said: vy

Thanks for the advice. I actually don't bring up my wedding to her, she is the one that brings it up. As far as I'm concerned, we don't have to any planning for a while. We have all major vendors booked already. 

-Sigh- you're right. I just need to relax and let it go!

If she brings it up, use the "bean dip".
"Omgee, you have to have ____ for favors!"
"We have plenty of time to plan that.  Right now I'm just focused on Shark Week!  Have you tried the bean dip?"

If she persists,  simply let het know that you don't want to discuss wedding planning.  If she speaks negatively about another woman in the bridal party,  simply tell her that you don't appreciate her talking that way about your friend."

Hang in there!

CMGragain

We usually advise brides to wait about ten months before the wedding to choose their wedding party.  This can avoid the situation you find yourself in.
Lurkers, take note.

She hasn't done anything horrible other than to put her foot into her big mouth.  She has agreed to go along with your plans.  Listen to the other ladies and stop talking wedding with her.  All she has to do is to show up in the dress, smile for the camera, and hold your bouquet while you say your vows.

I would suggest that you NOT take her wedding dress shopping with you.  Make another appointment on a different date and tell her that you have decided to do your dress shopping privately with immediate family only  (your mother).  She probably won't like that, but there is nothing she can do about it.  The fewer people you have with you on that day, the easier it will be for you to concentrate on what YOU like, vs. the group opinion.  Many bridal shops do not allow large crowds, anyway, and that can be your excuse if necessary.

On the other hand, she should be there when you are choosing bridesmaid dresses.  Make that a fun day.

downtondiva

I don't understand why your bridesmaids all need some sort of special event to get to know each other. Just sounds like another headache to me.

Anyway, your MOH and bridesmaids are not obligated to do anything but show up in the agreed upon dress anyway, so there's no need to involve your MOH in anything else. Other than the bridesmaid dresses, do not discuss details of the wedding with her any further. She is only going to frustrate you and make you doubt yourself. I agree with @CMGragain that she should not go wedding dress shopping with you, especially if she's going to keep being so negative. As far as the pre-wedding parties go, you shouldn't be involved with planning those anyway, so let the other bridesmaids deal with her on that and stay out of it.

All this being said, I'm having a little trouble believing that someone could go from being an amazing friend to acting like this overnight. I realize that weddings sometimes bring out the worst in people, but are you sure there isn't something else going on that is causing her to act this way?

Heffalump

I'll agree with PP that you asked way on the early side, but that ship has sailed, so that's all I'll say.

Re: the bridesmaids dinner.  While it's not something that I, personally, would enjoy, it's not an inherently awful idea.  If your bridesmaids want to GTG, why not just do some sort of informal night out somewhere, as opposed to A Big Official Bridesmaids Thing?  That way, whoever can make it and wants to attend can go, and anyone else can skip it, NBD.  Also, your bridesmaid is being silly about who "gets" to plan things: it's whoever offers, full stop.  It would be one thing if they went off and threw you a shower without her, but there is nothing about being MOH that precludes anyone else from socializing with you and the rest of the WP for the duration of your engagement. 

She sounds tactless, but in my experience, that's not a trait that suddenly appears out of nowhere.  Maybe it didn't seem like a big deal until you were on the receiving end of it, but unless her personality did a sudden 180, she is who she is.  You chose her.

As far as not getting back to you for "days at a time," are we talking in some sort of emergency?  Because otherwise, your wedding is a year away.  There is nothing that she needs to drop everything for.  Is she busy with work, school, relationship, social life, etc.? 

knottie3fee8d8d37b65cab said:

How should I handle my MOH's unreliability and controlling-ness? It's causing concern for me because we haven't really started the hardcore wedding stuff yet. My other bridesmaids want to plan a bridal shower and bachelorette party but with what happened with out bridesmaids dinner, I'm afraid my MOH will fly off again if it's not her idea. 

To the above, a) I haven't seen evidence of unreliability (if anything, she sounds overinvolved in your plans, not under), b) let your BP decide how they're going to coordinate, stay out of it, and don't provide an audience for any drama, and c) there isn't really "hardcore wedding stuff" so don't worry. 

kvruns

My guess is this is her personality, right? It hasn't just come out of the blue with wedding stuff, you're just more annoyed by it now that it relates to your wedding. 

mrsconn23

Everyone has covered it pretty well.  

One thing though...I went dress shopping three times and only took my mom once.  I tried on a bunch of dresses and narrowed it down to a few choices and then my mom and bridal party all came with for 'decision day' and my bridesmaids ordered their dresses at the same time (and got a discount).  The first two times, I went with my sisters and then my MOH, who's also my BFF and SIL.  It didn't take away from my mom experiencing picking 'the one' with me.  It actually made the process easier because I had *no idea* what dresses were going to look good on me and I tried on at least 50-60 dresses to get an idea of what silhouettes worked for my body.  So, my opinion is that you can't try on too many dresses.  

Also, making appts for a few shops and visiting them helps you get a feel for their customer service/responsiveness.  I ended up buying my dress from a small shop that was in a town near my house.  At first it didn't seem like they had a ton of selection, but they did and they went above and beyond in service.  Delivery was early and they had a lady in house that did alterations very reasonably.  They held my dress until alterations were done, so I didn't have to take it home and back again.  

Ro041

Many of my maids have never spoken and I am getting married in 4 months.  
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

LadyCatherineDB

I can't speak to your friend's tactless comments, but her other actions don't feel like red flags to me. If anything, she may be reading into the actions of you and your other bridesmaids and seeing expectations that aren't there.

It seems like your friend may be feeling overwhelmed and unnecessarily pressured. A year is a long time. I would not plan a shower a year before the wedding. I would not plan a bachelorette a year before the wedding. She may feel like there is, therefore, no need for her to have all of the contact information for the other bridesmaids yet and certainly no need to receive it four times, along with emails from them. Planning/participating in a get-to-know-you party and expectations that she return wedding-related calls within a day could sound like a lot a year before the wedding.

This may also explain her getting upset when her suggestion of going out for a nonwedding makeover was met with the suggestion of talking about wedding plans at your place. It does not excuse name calling your other friend.