Bride's parents

CMGragain

I know a bride who has decided to be married at city hall.  After first telling her parents she wanted to do this as an elopement, she has now decided to invite them to the ceremony in the fall.  Plane travel is necessary, but they are frequent travelers with deep pockets.
MOB has told me that they cannot fit their daughter's wedding into their busy schedule for the next three month.  Am I nuts, or is this completely selfish of them?  I am shocked.

debbeau

I guess everyone is different but I would do anything physically possible to go to m daughter's wedding. 

Jen4948

Well, if my child wanted to elope, I'd be wondering how welcome I'd be at the wedding. But I would make every effort to attend.

ILoveBeachMusic

I kind of feel this way about DS1's wedding this fall. I will, of course, be there but I don't understand their choices. The location where they are getting married is requiring travel for everyone including the B & G. It is not a destination wedding location. It is nine hours by car for us and even further for the bride's parents and the couple. We will fly, but the MOB doesn't fly so it is a long drive for them. It is immediate family only, with a dinner following a brief ceremony. I wish they had just eloped.

My friends have asked if I will be hosting a party for them in our hometown. Nope, they decided what kind of wedding they wanted so they will have to own their choice.

ernursej

An invite isn't a summons. Perhaps they feel like since they were invited as an afterthought, they aren't really wanted. Just because they have deep pockets doesn't mean that the daughter's wedding is a priority.

southernbelle0915

I guess it depends what they're busy with. If it's organizing her sock drawer, then yes I think it's selfish. If it's busy season for her job or if the daughter planned the wedding for when she knows her folks have a bunch of commitments with XYZ, then it's more on the daughter for not choosing a date that works for VIPs. 

But afterall, it was supposed to be a true elopement. Maybe she's just thinking she wasn't going to be invited anyway, so why scramble and rearrange her schedule to go? Or maybe they have something planned as a family to celebrate later on. 

6fsn

I'd like to think I'd move heaven and earth to be at the wedding. 

HOWEVER this bride is incredibly selfish. "Hey mom, remember the wedding you weren't invited to?  Now I'd like you to jump on a plane and be here in the next 3 months."  

It doesn't really matter but is this a 1 hr flight or a cross country deal?

mrsconn23

Hmmm...with such little information, I really don't know.  

If I've learned *anything* in life and dealing with immediate family, extended family, in-laws, and seeing what my friends and family go through...unless you're in the situation, family dynamics are really hard to judge and there's rarely someone who's 100% right or wrong with regard to how they handle a situation. Especially one as touchy as a couple going back and forth between elopement or a small family-only ceremony. 

pegasuskat

This situation makes me wonder if there is a reason it was going to be an elopement, maybe the brides relationship with her parents is strained, if they always put her last maybe she was planning her wedding private because she was afraid this would happen, then was hoping she was wrong and invited them. I know a family like this, they are very wealthy but their 2 kids always seems to come last in their priority list.

banana468

I think this smacks of a family issue that stood long before any nuptials were planned. 

You're stating this as a person who would have attended your daughter's wedding and would have made sure you would be there.   But wasn't your daughter sure that she wanted you there too?   It was a mutually agreeable situation where she felt that planning a wedding that was a family event for at least her immediate family was important.

It sounds like the bride is of the personality type that this isn't her thing.   And based on the mom's response perhaps the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. 

thisismynickname2

The vibe I get is like, daughter wanted elopement because she knew there would be family issues. Then she realized she should invite her parents and her parents, in turn, are spiting her with- you guessed it- family issues ("can't attend for 3 months"). 
Seriously, if anyone is busy for 3 months' worth of weekends with stuff that just can't be moved for a wedding well I can't even comprehend a social life like that. 

short+sassy

PPs have made good points.  While I couldn't imagine not going to the wedding of my hypothetical child (unless maybe it was a far off destination wedding), there might be a lot of other things going on here.  Deep pockets or not, it is short notice.  That can be tough if either/both people still work and the wedding is apparently far enough away it requires a plane flight.  Or, even if they are both retired, they might have other trips/commitments planned.

Plus the bride and groom are obviously keeping this a low key event.  They originally weren't even going to invite their parents.

MobKaz

This story definitely screams, "baggage". 

My first take is that the bride wanted to elope but then felt guilty parents weren't invited.  Worried about damage control, the bride invited parents as an obvious after thought.  The parents are now in a cut-off-my-nose-to-spite-my-face defense mode.

There are many ways to spin this scenario.  Unfortunately, none of them sound good. 

On the surface, I would be that mom who would typically move heaven and earth to attend.  However, if what has happened would cause me so much sadness/bitterness/anger that it would prevent me to attend happily, I could see where I might want to decline.  In the end, it is about the bride and groom.

ILoveBeachMusic

I agree that there might be other stuff going on here. Maybe the date the couple picked was already booked for the parents and the couple didn't check first? Fortunately, with DS1 we didn't have travel plans that weekend. He didn't check dates with us and just told us when the wedding would occur. He did know when we had plan our trip for the fall - we have gone to Europe in the fall for the last several years. We are happy they are getting married and like FDIL a lot.

 I just know there can be more than one side of a story and not all details were shared in CMG's original post.

TrixieJess

If the bride originally wanted to elope, there had to be a reason. I agree with PPs that there is more going on here. 

*Barbie*

I'm going to be all kinds of judgy for a moment. 
You don't announce an elopement in advance - you just go off with your FI and get married. 
This bride decided to have a private ceremony at city hall, and tell her parents that nobody, including them, was invited. 
For whatever reason, she has now given them 3 months notice of the date and her expectation of them to just show up. 

The fact that the Parents OTB have money is irrelevant in this case. You can't dictate how other people spend their money - you can try, but it's rude. They may have already planned a trip, or a gtg, or another event that overlaps the wedding. They may be angry with the way that their daughter treated them, and are refusing to attend because of it - blood or not, if someone's treating me poorly, I'm probably not going out of my way to cater to them. They may see this invite as a "money grab" - that since the daughter invited them, she wants them to pay for a reception, provide a gift, etc. Maybe, given the daughter's wishy washy attitude about the guest list, they're hesitant to plan travel under the assumption that she'll change her mind again, or that the entire thing will be called off. 

Given the brief description, and no knowledge of family dynamics or history, I'm not judgemental of the parents in this case. Would it be nice of them to move their plans and try to go? Sure - but i don't think they're being selfish by making a choice not to attend. 

kimmiinthemitten

6fsn said:

I'd like to think I'd move heaven and earth to be at the wedding. 

HOWEVER this bride is incredibly selfish. "Hey mom, remember the wedding you weren't invited to?  Now I'd like you to jump on a plane and be here in the next 3 months."  

It doesn't really matter but is this a 1 hr flight or a cross country deal?

My first thought was perhaps she was pressured to open up the wedding, and now is being punished for wanting an elopement with her parents absence.

Families can be crazy!

LD1970

thisismynickname2 said:

The vibe I get is like, daughter wanted elopement because she knew there would be family issues. Then she realized she should invite her parents and her parents, in turn, are spiting her with- you guessed it- family issues ("can't attend for 3 months"). 
Seriously, if anyone is busy for 3 months' worth of weekends with stuff that just can't be moved for a wedding well I can't even comprehend a social life like that. 

This could easily be me.  I have a full time job M-F, and then Saturday and Sunday I work most weeks at my own service business, which requires my presence at the events in question - I'm a one man operation, and they specifically hire me because of my personal skills.  There are times I'm booked last minute, times I'm booked months in advance.  Looking at my actual next 3 months, I could be available August 6 or 27, September 3, 17, or 14, and October 15, 28, and 29.  Those are days, not weekends.  So with plane travel necessary, depending on the time of the wedding, and how long the trip would be (and barring flight delays or cancellations), I guess the weekend of October 28/29 would be the only likely one.  And I don't have the schedule of someone with real dough.

CMGragain

Well, anybody watch "The Nanny Diaries"?  Except for the cheating husband part (FOB does not cheat) this is very much like their lifestyle.  Careers and social connections first!  I will never understand.

southernbelle0915

thisismynickname2 said:

The vibe I get is like, daughter wanted elopement because she knew there would be family issues. Then she realized she should invite her parents and her parents, in turn, are spiting her with- you guessed it- family issues ("can't attend for 3 months"). 
Seriously, if anyone is busy for 3 months' worth of weekends with stuff that just can't be moved for a wedding well I can't even comprehend a social life like that. 

So H and I have been like this for the last 2 months and we have two more months of it as well. I guess we do have two "free" weekends (we still have BBQs and birthday parties to go to on those weekends, but at least they're local) between now and October.

No joke, it's the actual worst. I seriously cannot wait until October. I am dying for some "do nothing" time.

*Barbie*

CMGragain said:

Well, anybody watch "The Nanny Diaries"?  Except for the cheating husband part (FOB does not cheat) this is very much like their lifestyle.  Careers and social connections first!  I will never understand.

Assuming the daughter knows her parents have a very busy career and social calendar... so if it was so important for them to attend, she should have checked with them well in advance of booking a date. That's the advice that we would give to any bride - check dates/locations with VIPs before booking. Since she didn't bother to check dates with them, and even told her parents they weren't invited, why should the expectation be for them to drop their plans to suit her last minute change of heart?

It still seems that the bride has been very rude in this scenario. 

lovesclimbing

I sort of agree with you, Cmg, but I also don't. I can see how the parents could have been quite hurt by their daughter essentially telling them "we're getting married and you're not invited," and now back pedaling and saying "oh, you can come." I would be hurt. 

I also have a lot of family members who have work that restricts what they can and can't do. My mom told all my siblings and I long ago that we can't get married during a 4-month period because of their work. So far, all of us have planned weddings outside of it. My parents could come, of course, during that period, but it would be quite difficult, expensive, would cut into the time when they make most of their money for the year potentially costing them tens of thousands of dollars, and it would also keep their employees from working and making money during that time (the employees can't keep working without my parents there.) It would be unimaginably selfish and self-centered for one of us to plan a wedding during that time and expect my parents to drop their livelihood and be there.

A cousin's family has a different job that takes them away for a couple months. As a result, the parents have missed every one of their son's graduations. 

My in-laws have a job that makes it difficult to leave in the summer. Earlier this year, they took two expensive trips for significant events in the lives of two of their other children. Their first grandchild is now six weeks old and they still haven't seen her both because of the job and the expense of the trip. It does not hurt my feelings. Yes, having a new grandchild is awesome and a significant life event, but it would be so self-centered to think the new baby is a more important life event than the other two and they should have prioritized the baby. Or for people where money is already tight, they should cut into their livelihood by leaving for a few days or a week. 

Sorry, that got kind of ranty, but I just hate when people expect others to drop everything. News flash - the world does not revolve around you! Even for big life events, you can't expect people, even your parents, to just drop everything.