Please help!! Who to invite and who to not.

Knottie3e4c15a54dfe8265

Hello everyone.  We are about to send out Save the Date and I'm going over the guest list with a fine tooth comb.  I've been saying this whole time that I want a small wedding.  Our current list is 202!!!  I can cut people who I grew up with but haven't seen in many years and our co-workers but that only gets us to 167.  People keep telling me that 1/4 of the list will not come, but I don't think that will be the case here.  This is our breakdown for far: 72 (my family and his immediate family) and 95 (friends).

My groom comes from a big family, think 150+ family members!  So we've decided to have 2 receptions.  One where we live, Kansas City (and that's the 167 previously mentioned), and one where most of his family is out in California.  Should I cut the friends list more and invite them out to the party in California even though they all live closer to Kansas City?  The other issue is 65 of those 95 friend are all in a very close friend group.  So I feel like feelings maybe hurt if I pick and chose out of that group. 

Also what about my friends who were married to each other but are now getting a divorce.  Should I just not invite either of them?

Any help would greatly be appreciated!  Thank you for listening.

AMENDMENT!:  Thank you everyone for your feedback!  The party in California would be a "celebration of marriage" not a reception.  I honestly didn't know what to call it.  

Ro041

Knottie3e4c15a54dfe8265 said:

Hello everyone.  We are about to send out Save the Date and I'm going over the guest list with a fine tooth comb.  I've been saying this whole time that I want a small wedding.  Our current list is 202!!!  I can cut people who I grew up with but haven't seen in many years and our co-workers but that only gets us to 167.  People keep telling me that 1/4 of the list will not come, but I don't think that will be the case here.  This is our breakdown for far: 72 (my family and his immediate family) and 95 (friends).

My groom comes from a big family, think 150+ family members!  So we've decided to have 2 receptions.  One where we live, Kansas City (and that's the 167 previously mentioned), and one where most of his family is out in California.  Should I cut the friends list more and invite them out to the party in California even though they all live closer to Kansas City?  The other issue is 65 of those 95 friend are all in a very close friend group.  So I feel like feelings maybe hurt if I pick and chose out of that group. 

Also what about my friends who were married to each other but are now getting a divorce.  Should I just not invite either of them?

Any help would greatly be appreciated!  Thank you for listening.

Why are you having two receptions?  Everyone should be invited to the reception immediately following the ceremony.  You should not bifurcate your celebration based on the geographical location of the people you plan to invite.  

climbingsingle

I also don't understand the reasoning behind having two parties, especially if you want a small event. Just have one event in Kansas City. Invite the people from California. 

If you're trying to trim the guest list, leave out coworkers and people you haven't seen or are not that close to. When we were first making our guest list, my H had some weird notion that he had to invite practically every person he was friendly with. Just invite the friends you're very close with. 

Regarding the formally married couple, are you still friends with both parties? If so, invite both of them. 

levioosa

Ro041 said:

Knottie3e4c15a54dfe8265 said:

Hello everyone.  We are about to send out Save the Date and I'm going over the guest list with a fine tooth comb.  I've been saying this whole time that I want a small wedding.  Our current list is 202!!!  I can cut people who I grew up with but haven't seen in many years and our co-workers but that only gets us to 167.  People keep telling me that 1/4 of the list will not come, but I don't think that will be the case here.  This is our breakdown for far: 72 (my family and his immediate family) and 95 (friends).

My groom comes from a big family, think 150+ family members!  So we've decided to have 2 receptions.  One where we live, Kansas City (and that's the 167 previously mentioned), and one where most of his family is out in California.  Should I cut the friends list more and invite them out to the party in California even though they all live closer to Kansas City?  The other issue is 65 of those 95 friend are all in a very close friend group.  So I feel like feelings maybe hurt if I pick and chose out of that group. 

Also what about my friends who were married to each other but are now getting a divorce.  Should I just not invite either of them?

Any help would greatly be appreciated!  Thank you for listening.

Why are you having two receptions?  Everyone should be invited to the reception immediately following the ceremony.  You should not bifurcate your celebration based on the geographical location of the people you plan to invite.  

This.  It sounds like a small wedding isn't in the cards either way.  The reception is for everyone who attended the ceremony and they must be hosted immediately after the ceremony takes place.  Budget for everyone to come. Don't split up your reception. 

ei34

It wouldn't be two receptions; it'd be a reception (which follows your ceremony) and a celebration-of-marriage party.  
You're smart to cut people that people you haven't seen in years...coworkers is another good cut.  (Unless they already received STD's, then they have to be invited.)  I can't imagine having 95 friends that I was close enough to to invite them to a wedding...or 65 people being in a "very close friend group".  I'd look more closely at the friends rather than splitting family based on geography.

southernbelle0915

I NEVER understand people who are like "I want a small wedding.....but also, I'm having TWO relatively large receptions."

You only get one "reception" - it's literally when you "receive" guests and thank them for attending your wedding ceremony. Whatever the other event is, it's just a party. And anyone invited to a wedding related party should be invited to the main event, or you'd basically be having a tiered wedding (etiquette no no) across multiple weeks and states. 

Honestly, you'll be way less stressed if you just have ONE event and either 1) make hard decisions and cut the list or 2) realize you're marrying a man with a large family and that you want to invite your friends and have a big wedding.

OliveOilsMom

Your wedding is in no way small!  Sorry to say!

Invite in circles.  So all immediate family, all aunts/uncles, all first cousins, etc. Same for friends.

As for the 2nd reception, anytime those occur all guests should still be invited to the ceremony/reception.  Then a 2nd invite would go out to the guests local to the 2nd reception.  This would be a much more scaled down party compared to your original reception.  So having a 2nd reception doesn't really solve your small wedding concept.  Also, it would be a slap in the face to the friends local to KC being invited ONLY to the CA celebration.  It would say to me that you don't value my friendship and that you don't really want me at either event.

Right off the bat, I would remove the co-workers and long ago friends.  I would then work to narrow down the 95 friends left on the list.

Also, don't count on 1/4 of the guest list not showing up.  You should always plan for 100% attendance, even with the distance some of your guests must travel.  People will often attempt to make weddings work into their schedules and budgets.

Lastly, for the divorced couple.  Invite them both, don't NOT invite them just because they may be divorcing.  If by the time invitations go out, if neither person is dating, they can be invited alone. 

And the general rule of thumb is that ANYONE in a relationship at the time your invitations (not STDs) go out is in a relationship, they should be invited together with the SO named on the invitation.  A plus one is for a truly single person to bring a companion to the wedding if they so choose after you offer the plus one.  So anyone currently single on your guest list, give them a plus one for planning purposes only.  That way if they begin to date someone prior to your invitations going out, you won't be scrambling to adjust your budget within 8 weeks of your wedding.

kimmiinthemitten

Knottie3e4c15a54dfe8265 said:

Hello everyone.  We are about to send out Save the Date and I'm going over the guest list with a fine tooth comb.  I've been saying this whole time that I want a small wedding.  Our current list is 202!!!  I can cut people who I grew up with but haven't seen in many years and our co-workers but that only gets us to 167.  People keep telling me that 1/4 of the list will not come, but I don't think that will be the case here.  This is our breakdown for far: 72 (my family and his immediate family) and 95 (friends).

My groom comes from a big family, think 150+ family members!  So we've decided to have 2 receptions.  One where we live, Kansas City (and that's the 167 previously mentioned), and one where most of his family is out in California.  Should I cut the friends list more and invite them out to the party in California even though they all live closer to Kansas City?  The other issue is 65 of those 95 friend are all in a very close friend group.  So I feel like feelings maybe hurt if I pick and chose out of that group. 

Also what about my friends who were married to each other but are now getting a divorce.  Should I just not invite either of them?

Any help would greatly be appreciated!  Thank you for listening.

You don't have to send save the dates to everyone you invite, but you do have to invite everyone you send a STD to.  

Take a deep breath.  Organize your guest list into A, B and C.  A are your VIP's, the people who must be there.  B are the people you'd really, really like there.  C are the people you'd like if you could, but wouldn't lose sleep over.

Send your STD's to your A list, then sit down with your FI over the B's and C's and determine what's more important; having those guests there or having a smaller, more intimate affair.  Pro tip:  either way, there is no wrong answer.

*Barbie*

maybe just don't give your guests STDs. as a potential guest, i would appreciate not getting an STD from you. 

also, one post wedding party, and prepare to host everyone that you invite. 

kaos16

Knottie3e4c15a54dfe8265 said:

Hello everyone.  We are about to send out Save the Date and I'm going over the guest list with a fine tooth comb.  I've been saying this whole time that I want a small wedding.  Our current list is 202!!!  I can cut people who I grew up with but haven't seen in many years and our co-workers but that only gets us to 167.  Maybe you need a finer toothed comb.  Make lists and sit on them for a little while to see if your thoughts change.  Perhaps you shouldn't send STDs to anyone except immediate family/ VIPs.  People keep telling me that 1/4 of the list will not come, but I don't think that will be the case here.  Always plan for 100%attendance.  This is our breakdown for far: 72 (my family and his immediate family) and 95 (friends).

My groom comes from a big family, think 150+ family members!  So we've decided to have 2 receptions.  One where we live, Kansas City (and that's the 167 previously mentioned), and one where most of his family is out in California.  Have one reception that works for VIPs.  If everyone can make it, great.  If people are unable to come based on location let them know that they will be missed and move on. Should I cut the friends list more and invite them out to the party in California even though they all live closer to Kansas City?  The other issue is 65 of those 95 friend are all in a very close friend group. There is no way that 65 people are in a very close friend group.  That's not even possible.  How do you get together for dinner?  You can't go to the movies together unless you rent out the whole theater.  Maybe you can reevaluate what "close friends" means.  So I feel like feelings maybe hurt if I pick and chose out of that group.  Don't feel bad.  As a general rule of thumb, nobody is as excited about your wedding as you and your fiancé are.  You'll drive yourself bonkers thinking you need to invite every person you have ever spoken to when in reality, you don't.  Just invite your nearest and dearest.

Also what about my friends who were married to each other but are now getting a divorce.  Should I just not invite either of them? If you are still close to both individuals, invite them both.  If you are only close to one spouse and they are no longer married, only invite the one.

Any help would greatly be appreciated!  Thank you for listening.

Answered in bold in body.

short+sassy

It's all about choices.  You and your FI could have a small wedding, if that is what you both want.  Limit the guest list to just parents/grandparents/siblings and everyone's SO.  Add in nieces and nephews, if you wish.

There is also nothing wrong with having the larger reception you are planning.  You still don't have to invite every aunt/uncle/first cousin.  Every friend of a 65 person "friend group".

Will some people be disappointed they aren't invited?  Sure, maybe.  But people understand they can't be invited to everything.  And, if they don't, that's their problem.

The only people you HAVE to invite are a) anyone who receives an STD (so keep that very much in mind) and b) any SO of a guest.

And, like other PPs have said, unless you want to have a "celebration of marriage" party later in CA.  It's totally, totally unnecessary.  Invite who you want to invite to the wedding.  If most of your CA guests don't want to go to your all's wedding that is OOT for them, then that is their choice to not go.  But they aren't "owed" a party.

Nor should someone you want at the wedding "not" be sent an invitation because they live in CA and you're having a party there later on anyway.  A wedding is a life changing, milestone event.  A "celebration of marriage" event is just a party.  I would move heaven and earth to attend a good friend's wedding.  I wouldn't fly out or drive more than 1-2 hours for a "celebration of marriage" party. 

southernbelle0915

And yes, plan for 100% attendance. 

marigold40

Possibly adults only if there are a lot of kids in that count? Or maybe just immediate family and close friends only, so you can cut extended family and more distant friends. Also, as PPs said, only invite who you are close to. Of your fiance's large family, how often does he see them or how close to them is he? We have friends that run in the same circle too, but we aren't close to all of them, so we are only inviting the friends we are close to. Sure, some may be upset, but they will just have to understand. The only exception to this in my opinion is if you have been talking to them about your wedding and have given some sort of verbal invitation like "Of course, you are invited to our wedding!" then yes, you need to invite them. Divorced friends, again only invite who you are still friends with/close to. If you are still friends with both parties, invite them both. 

charlotte989875

Knottie3e4c15a54dfe8265 said:

Hello everyone.  We are about to send out Save the Date and I'm going over the guest list with a fine tooth comb.  I've been saying this whole time that I want a small wedding.  Our current list is 202!!!  I can cut people who I grew up with but haven't seen in many years and our co-workers but that only gets us to 167.  People keep telling me that 1/4 of the list will not come, but I don't think that will be the case here.  This is our breakdown for far: 72 (my family and his immediate family) and 95 (friends).

My groom comes from a big family, think 150+ family members!  So we've decided to have 2 receptions.  One where we live, Kansas City (and that's the 167 previously mentioned), and one where most of his family is out in California.  Should I cut the friends list more and invite them out to the party in California even though they all live closer to Kansas City?  The other issue is 65 of those 95 friend are all in a very close friend group.  So I feel like feelings maybe hurt if I pick and chose out of that group. 

Also what about my friends who were married to each other but are now getting a divorce.  Should I just not invite either of them?

Any help would greatly be appreciated!  Thank you for listening.

What is driving the need to cut down the guest list? Is it budget? Is it venue size? Have you selected a venue yet? (Assuming yes since you're saving the date). 

First of all, is nix the second reception. Invite everyone (that you want to attend and that you can afford to host) to the wedding and host a reception following the ceremony. Let it be on them if they want/can attend. Don't decide for your guests if the can/want to travel. This also cuts down on costs since you only have to pay for one party. 

Second, plan for full attendance. I had maybe 10% (if that even) decline, some brides have 100% attendance. You can't bank on a 25% decline rate. 

lauren_charles

I would look closer at your friend group. If you want to cut people out by looking how close you guys are. I would also just throw one reception. This is the only chance you can have everyone in one room for one day celebrating the love of you and your FH. Why do you want a small wedding so it does not cost a lot or to make more personable? If you look at it you will spend less money doing one reception than doing two. The guest list will change when people do not RSVP. 

missJeanLouise

Do not send STDs to all of these people!! If you do then you are REQUIRED to invite them, no matter what. Just send them to the VIPs. Think about it this way, maybe without so much notice people won't be able to make it and then you will have a smaller reception.

mrsconn23

If there is this much drama over the guest list, I recommend saving the money AND the headache by skipping STD's all together.