He akes me a Crazy Bride

[Deleted User]

Our wedding isn't for sometime but I have been dropping hints to my F that he needs to be considering who he wants to invite and songs he would like to have played at our wedding. I am really particular about who we invite as we decided that we want a small, intimimate wedding with those that are close to us. Of course this is going to have to be done in more than one sitting. I have been dropping hints for the last few months about him considering who to invite, and last night was a test run. HE HAD NO IDEA WHO HE WAS INVITING and it made me want to scream. I sat with him while he went through an entire friends list on Facebook AND he wanted me to write down all of the names of the "potential" guests, revealing that all of my hints about his guest had gone in one ear and out the other. He then proceeded to say, "Its just a rough draft, I haven't really thought about it." Needless to say, he pissed me tf off. He said he would do better but not just do what I say? LOL. WHY DO THEY DO THIS????

kimmiinthemitten

Knottie1465824171 said:

Our wedding isn't for sometime but I have been dropping hints to my F that he needs to be considering who he wants to invite and songs he would like to have played at our wedding. I am really particular about who we invite as we decided that we want a small, intimimate wedding with those that are close to us. Of course this is going to have to be done in more than one sitting. I have been dropping hints for the last few months about him considering who to invite, and last night was a test run. HE HAD NO IDEA WHO HE WAS INVITING and it made me want to scream. I sat with him while he went through an entire friends list on Facebook AND he wanted me to write down all of the names of the "potential" guests, revealing that all of my hints about his guest had gone in one ear and out the other. He then proceeded to say, "Its just a rough draft, I haven't really thought about it." Needless to say, he pissed me tf off. He said he would do better but not just do what I say? LOL. WHY DO THEY DO THIS????

I recognize this is likely a  vent and my H makes me want to scream as well.  However - stop hinting!  Tell him what your expectations are and ask him what's important for him as well so you're on the same page.

southernbelle0915

Knottie1465824171 said:

Our wedding isn't for sometime but I have been dropping hints to my F that he needs to be considering who he wants to invite and songs he would like to have played at our wedding. I am really particular about who we invite as we decided that we want a small, intimimate wedding with those that are close to us. Of course this is going to have to be done in more than one sitting. I have been dropping hints for the last few months about him considering who to invite, and last night was a test run. HE HAD NO IDEA WHO HE WAS INVITING and it made me want to scream. I sat with him while he went through an entire friends list on Facebook AND he wanted me to write down all of the names of the "potential" guests, revealing that all of my hints about his guest had gone in one ear and out the other. He then proceeded to say, "Its just a rough draft, I haven't really thought about it." Needless to say, he pissed me tf off. He said he would do better but not just do what I say? LOL. WHY DO THEY DO THIS????

First step to a happy marriage: direct, respectful communication. 

What NOT to do: "drop hints" over the course of several months and then have a blow up, screaming fit when you directly address something and, from his perspective, it's the first time he's hearing it.

Why don't you just tell him: "We have X number of slots, here's my list which leaves your side with X number of spaces. Who do you want to invite? We need to decide by (date)."

Girl, you are in for a very unhappy  marriage if you think you're faultless here.

Ro041

Knottie1465824171 said:

Our wedding isn't for sometime but I have been dropping hints to my F that he needs to be considering who he wants to invite and songs he would like to have played at our wedding. I am really particular about who we invite as we decided that we want a small, intimimate wedding with those that are close to us. Of course this is going to have to be done in more than one sitting. I have been dropping hints for the last few months about him considering who to invite, and last night was a test run. HE HAD NO IDEA WHO HE WAS INVITING and it made me want to scream. I sat with him while he went through an entire friends list on Facebook AND he wanted me to write down all of the names of the "potential" guests, revealing that all of my hints about his guest had gone in one ear and out the other. He then proceeded to say, "Its just a rough draft, I haven't really thought about it." Needless to say, he pissed me tf off. He said he would do better but not just do what I say? LOL. WHY DO THEY DO THIS????

How long is "for some time"?  My wedding is in less than 4 months and we haven't talked about what songs are going to be played at the wedding, because, well, it's really not that big of a deal.  We picked the first dance, we hired a pianist whose specialty is to know what to play (so we will meet with him for 30 mins about a month or two prior) and we hired a DJ who we will give a general genre to and let them do what they were hired to do.

As far as the guest list, maybe hints aren't the best way to go about it?  My FI and I have a Family/Friends spreadsheet where we keep the names and addresses of everyone we send a Christmas card to each year.  We used that as the basis of our guest list.  He knows to update the spreadsheet with any additional info needed (change of address, adding people etc).  Maybe you need a more specific plan?  Start with family and move to close friends, and then go from there.  I have like 800 fb friends so going through my friends list would be a nightmare that I would avoid like the plague.  

mrsconn23

Knottie1465824171 said:

Our wedding isn't for sometime but I have been dropping hints to my F that he needs to be considering who he wants to invite and songs he would like to have played at our wedding. I am really particular about who we invite as we decided that we want a small, intimimate wedding with those that are close to us. Of course this is going to have to be done in more than one sitting. I have been dropping hints for the last few months about him considering who to invite, and last night was a test run. HE HAD NO IDEA WHO HE WAS INVITING and it made me want to scream. I sat with him while he went through an entire friends list on Facebook AND he wanted me to write down all of the names of the "potential" guests, revealing that all of my hints about his guest had gone in one ear and out the other. He then proceeded to say, "Its just a rough draft, I haven't really thought about it." Needless to say, he pissed me tf off. He said he would do better but not just do what I say? LOL. WHY DO THEY DO THIS????

Right there is the problem. 

Don't 'drop hints'. 

"Dearest darling FI, we need to have our guest list finalized by x date."

But I have more questions first...

You say the wedding isn't for 'some time'...'Some time' to you could be 2 years and 'some time' to me could be 6 months. 

Secondly, do you have a venue?  If not, then there's no reason to do a guest list because you don't know how many people you can invite. 

I think instead of 'dropping hints', it's time to start having conversations where you actually plan together and walk away with a clear idea of what the other person wants and what needs to be done in certain timeframe.

MissKittyDanger

Agreed with others, don't drop hints!
My H does not catch hints, even if it's blatantly obvious.

Also, is your FI a procrastinator? If so, set dates on when you want things or say "hey, Wednesday we're sitting down to go over invite list so we can get the ball rolling." This way you're both doing it and you've set a time to go over things together

southernbelle0915

MissKittyDanger said:

Agreed with others, don't drop hints!
My H does not catch hints, even if it's blatantly obvious.

Also, is your FI a procrastinator? If so, set dates on when you want things or say "hey, Wednesday we're sitting down to go over invite list so we can get the ball rolling." This way you're both doing it and you've set a time to go over things together

This is a good idea. And make it fun FFS! You're planning the day when you'll say "I do". At least make an attempt to enjoy the process and find ways YOU can contribute to not having things turn into a screaming match. 

charlotte989875

southernbelle0915 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

Agreed with others, don't drop hints!
My H does not catch hints, even if it's blatantly obvious.

Also, is your FI a procrastinator? If so, set dates on when you want things or say "hey, Wednesday we're sitting down to go over invite list so we can get the ball rolling." This way you're both doing it and you've set a time to go over things together

This is a good idea. And make it fun FFS! You're planning the day when you'll say "I do". At least make an attempt to enjoy the process and find ways YOU can contribute to not having things turn into a screaming match. 

All of our wedding planning included bourbon taste testing and snacks. 

kimmiinthemitten

mrsconn23 said:

Knottie1465824171 said:

Our wedding isn't for sometime but I have been dropping hints to my F that he needs to be considering who he wants to invite and songs he would like to have played at our wedding. I am really particular about who we invite as we decided that we want a small, intimimate wedding with those that are close to us. Of course this is going to have to be done in more than one sitting. I have been dropping hints for the last few months about him considering who to invite, and last night was a test run. HE HAD NO IDEA WHO HE WAS INVITING and it made me want to scream. I sat with him while he went through an entire friends list on Facebook AND he wanted me to write down all of the names of the "potential" guests, revealing that all of my hints about his guest had gone in one ear and out the other. He then proceeded to say, "Its just a rough draft, I haven't really thought about it." Needless to say, he pissed me tf off. He said he would do better but not just do what I say? LOL. WHY DO THEY DO THIS????

Right there is the problem. 

Don't 'drop hints'. 

"Dearest darling FI, we need to have our guest list finalized by x date."

But I have more questions first...

You say the wedding isn't for 'some time'...'Some time' to you could be 2 years and 'some time' to me could be 6 months. 

Secondly, do you have a venue?  If not, then there's no reason to do a guest list because you don't know how many people you can invite. 

I think instead of 'dropping hints', it's time to start having conversations where you actually plan together and walk away with a clear idea of what the other person wants and what needs to be done in certain timeframe.

I actually disagree with the bolded; I think the preliminary guest list should be the second on your to-do list behind setting a budget.  You need to know how many people you will need to accommodate in order to select a venue that is rightsized for your party.  We did an A, B, and C list (that I learned about on here).  A was VIP's who we ran the dates by, B were the people we knew we were inviting, and C's were the people we'd like to invite if the venue and budget allowed.

Important to note:  We didn't send invitations to the C's when the B's declined.  We used this list to organize early on and when the invitation list was set, it was finale..

*Barbie*

You should probably learn how to communicate with each other before you get married - otherwise might as well call it off before you start booking - it will be a lot cheaper than a divorce in a few years. 

If you can't manage to plan a party together - how in the world do you expect to make important decisions or discuss difficult topics - having children, buying a home, how to deal if one of you gets a serious illness, how to deal with aging parents, what happens if someone loses a job, money management in general...

mrsconn23

kimmiinthemitten said:

mrsconn23 said:

Knottie1465824171 said:

Our wedding isn't for sometime but I have been dropping hints to my F that he needs to be considering who he wants to invite and songs he would like to have played at our wedding. I am really particular about who we invite as we decided that we want a small, intimimate wedding with those that are close to us. Of course this is going to have to be done in more than one sitting. I have been dropping hints for the last few months about him considering who to invite, and last night was a test run. HE HAD NO IDEA WHO HE WAS INVITING and it made me want to scream. I sat with him while he went through an entire friends list on Facebook AND he wanted me to write down all of the names of the "potential" guests, revealing that all of my hints about his guest had gone in one ear and out the other. He then proceeded to say, "Its just a rough draft, I haven't really thought about it." Needless to say, he pissed me tf off. He said he would do better but not just do what I say? LOL. WHY DO THEY DO THIS????

Right there is the problem. 

Don't 'drop hints'. 

"Dearest darling FI, we need to have our guest list finalized by x date."

But I have more questions first...

You say the wedding isn't for 'some time'...'Some time' to you could be 2 years and 'some time' to me could be 6 months. 

Secondly, do you have a venue?  If not, then there's no reason to do a guest list because you don't know how many people you can invite. 

I think instead of 'dropping hints', it's time to start having conversations where you actually plan together and walk away with a clear idea of what the other person wants and what needs to be done in certain timeframe.

I actually disagree with the bolded; I think the preliminary guest list should be the second on your to-do list behind setting a budget.  You need to know how many people you will need to accommodate in order to select a venue that is rightsized for your party.  We did an A, B, and C list (that I learned about on here).  A was VIP's who we ran the dates by, B were the people we knew we were inviting, and C's were the people we'd like to invite if the venue and budget allowed.

Important to note:  We didn't send invitations to the C's when the B's declined.  We used this list to organize early on and when the invitation list was set, it was finale..

Yes and no...I mean, it's a good idea to have a rough estimate.  But if it's about inviting second cousins and college friends you see once or twice a year, then they need to have a venue to know if it will work or not. 

But the larger point to me is that 'dropping hints' is not working obviously.  Also, if this is going to be a 'small intimate wedding', OP should know the basic family tree (mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, etc.)...so I'm not sure who they're waiting on from FI.  I mean, is this a 45 person wedding or 25 people. Again, very vague.  

If you are this vague with your FI, OP, I can see how he's kind of shrugged it all off.  It doesn't seem like a big deal because you're not being direct.  

Heffalump

I just posted this last week (or the week before), but with Mr. Heff I just said "If you want to invite people, I need names and addresses by X/XX or I will have no way of getting their invitations to them."  The end.  If he wants to make it happen, then he will, and if not then it's his problem, not yours.  We didn't have this issue with music, but the same principle applies.

Knottie1465824171 said:

I sat with him while he went through an entire friends list on Facebook AND he wanted me to write down all of the names of the "potential" guests, revealing that all of my hints about his guest had gone in one ear and out the other.

Unless his hands are in bandages or something, eff that.  If he's old enough to marry, he's way old enough to find a pen and paper and make a list all by himself.

[Deleted User]

SouthernBelle - Whew lol calm down, this was a simple vent. I should have worded this differently, however, my subtle hints have been very direct. For example, I told him explicitly, work on the guest you want to invite, consider who you want to invite because I will be meeting with the wedding planner in September, are you working on your guest list? Have you talked to this person to consider if you want to invite them, are you considering who you want to invite? Lol these have been my EXACT words and I still got the same response I did last night.

[Deleted User]

Ro – Sometime is over a year away, however, I am meeting with the wedding planner in September and I’d like to have an exact count. Why is it a year away and I am planning ahead of time? I just got offered a higher paying position at the company I work for, we are moving, I have to attend x number of trainings, I am finishing up graduate school and preparing for a PhD program lol the more I get out of the way now the better. The music is important to us because there is a 10 year difference between us and his guests will be older than mine so that is something that we have to consider. I don’t want us to have an exact playlist but I want him to be considerate of how different our guest will be, I have told him this directly. When I spoke with my FI last night, I told him where to go to update the guestlist because I feel like he should be planning the wedding as well, as it will be part of his memory bank as well as mine.

[Deleted User]

We already have a venue, caterer, reception, dj, photographer, wedding planer ... everything.

[Deleted User]

I just wanted him to have a rough estimate so that we can make accommodations if need to and if so, where to cut back from.

Heffalump

Knottie1465824171 said:

SouthernBelle - Whew lol calm down, this was a simple vent. I should have worded this differently, however, my subtle hints have been very direct.

Does not compute.

southernbelle0915

Knottie1465824171 said:

SouthernBelle - Whew lol calm down, this was a simple vent. I should have worded this differently, however, my subtle hints have been very direct. For example, I told him explicitly, work on the guest you want to invite, consider who you want to invite because I will be meeting with the wedding planner in September, are you working on your guest list? Have you talked to this person to consider if you want to invite them, are you considering who you want to invite? Lol these have been my EXACT words and I still got the same response I did last night.

"my subtle hints have been very direct" Um.... wut? 

There are one of two things happening here:

1) You haven't been as direct with communication as you think you have and you need to work on it before you get married.
2) You have been clear as day with explicit "I need X by X date. It's important to me to ensure your side is represented at our wedding."  type communication and your FI doesn't respect you enough to make it happen. Respect is the foundation for marriage - you shouldn't marry someone who doesn't respect you.

Your first post implied scenario 1, but now you're saying you were direct and it's scenario 2. Either way, there's a lot to work on here and it doesn't sound like y'all are ready to get married.

mrsconn23

Heffalump said:

Knottie1465824171 said:

SouthernBelle - Whew lol calm down, this was a simple vent. I should have worded this differently, however, my subtle hints have been very direct.

Does not compute.

[Deleted User]

Barbie, please calm down, this was a simple vent. Albeit, I should not have said "hint" but again, this was just a simple vent. Thanks for your input but we actually plan pretty well together, for example, we have all the vendors that we want and desired because we discussed pros and cons together. Thank you for your advice doll.

climbingsingle

You're saying he's making you a crazy bride, but I think you have some hand in this too. 

"Subtle hints" are not the same thing as a direct conversation. You need to learn how to communicate together. 

Picking out songs a year ahead seems a little odd. That's not something I did until maybe the month before. 

Tell him you'd like to sit down on a certain date to finalize the guest list. And then, on that date, finalize the guest list. 

[Deleted User]

mrsconn23

Knottie1465824171 said:

I just wanted him to have a rough estimate so that we can make accommodations if need to and if so, where to cut back from.

You're saying it's going to be a 'small intimate wedding'.  So you know what close family and/or friends *should* be on his list, no?  

Are you wanting to know if Aunt Sally and Uncle Jim or Bobby from college and his gf should make the cut?  Or are you wanting him to spell it ALL out for you?

Either option isn't wrong, but you have to tell him and stop with this 'dropping subtle direct hints'  business. 

charlotte989875

Enough with telling people to calm down. You asked for advice, no one is "yelling", insulting, or being rude. They're responding to the word in your post. 

If he's not listening to you, not following through on the things you're asking of him it's time to have a "come to Jesus" talk with him. Explain, clearly, why you're frustrated; tell him what you need, why you need it, and when you need to buy; but have a fuller discussion about each of your expectations of wedding planning. How much do you want/need him involved? How much does he actually want to be involved? Do these line up? If not, how are you going to reconcile them. You definitely need to be on the same page with all of this otherwise the next year is likely going to be filled with similar frustrations. 

*Barbie*

Knottie1465824171 said:

Barbie, please calm down, this was a simple vent. Albeit, I should not have said "hint" but again, this was just a simple vent. Thanks for your input but we actually plan pretty well together, for example, we have all the vendors that we want and desired because we discussed pros and cons together. Thank you for your advice doll.

anyone else in a betting mood? i give it 3 years, 2 months and 5 days from "sometime". 

charlotte989875

Also maybe this is just a pet peeve of mine, but no one can make you be anything you don't want. He's not "making" you "crazy". 

kimmiinthemitten

We can only respond to what you tell us.  There is a difference between a posting a vent and posting in search of answers, just like there is a difference  between subtle hints and direct requests.

If you're not meeting with the planner until September, and your FI is a procrastinator, he probably doesn't see the big deal, he has a whole month.   I think you just need to communicate with him that you'd like his list completed by x date, and remind him again a few days before.  I had to remind H 4 times that he promised to power wash the house before he jumped on it, and he reminds me weekly to put my shoes away.  Welcome to marriage!

I also think you're putting way too much emphasis on the music, 10 years musically isn't a huge difference unless one group are rock heads and the others are rap fans.  Play good music that is generally pleasing.  At our wedding we played a variety of music and people danced.  H's great uncle who just turned 80 danced to All I do Is Win by DJ Khaled with me!  And so did my dad, who's Deaf!

mrsconn23

kimmiinthemitten said:

I also think you're putting way too much emphasis on the music, 10 years musically isn't a huge difference unless one group are rock heads and the others are rap fans.  Play good music that is generally pleasing.  At our wedding we played a variety of music and people danced.  H's great uncle who just turned 80 danced to All I do Is Win by DJ Khaled with me!  And so did my dad, who's Deaf!

I cannot un-see my prim, proper, uptight great aunt dancing to 'Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy' at my grandparent's 50th anniversary.  It's my hands-down fave memory of spending any time with her (she's a very cold, critical woman). 

kimmiinthemitten

mrsconn23 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I also think you're putting way too much emphasis on the music, 10 years musically isn't a huge difference unless one group are rock heads and the others are rap fans.  Play good music that is generally pleasing.  At our wedding we played a variety of music and people danced.  H's great uncle who just turned 80 danced to All I do Is Win by DJ Khaled with me!  And so did my dad, who's Deaf!

I cannot un-see my prim, proper, uptight great aunt dancing to 'Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy' at my grandparent's 50th anniversary.  It's my hands-down fave memory of spending any time with her (she's a very cold, critical woman). 

Did she dance to the lyrics?


My parents love to dance at weddings and they have literally never heard a note of music in their entire lives!

levioosa

mrsconn23 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I also think you're putting way too much emphasis on the music, 10 years musically isn't a huge difference unless one group are rock heads and the others are rap fans.  Play good music that is generally pleasing.  At our wedding we played a variety of music and people danced.  H's great uncle who just turned 80 danced to All I do Is Win by DJ Khaled with me!  And so did my dad, who's Deaf!

I cannot un-see my prim, proper, uptight great aunt dancing to 'Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy' at my grandparent's 50th anniversary.  It's my hands-down fave memory of spending any time with her (she's a very cold, critical woman). 

Same, my 83 year old grandmother danced to Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake. She probably had no idea what the lyrics were, but she had a blast. 

climbingsingle

My H is 7 years older than me. And yet somehow in just one day, we were able to put together a great playlist. A playlist that literally everyone danced to. I played some Biggie and my H's step-grandma danced to the whole song with me. Our youngest guest was 11 and our oldest was 92. We have people of every age group. They all danced, to many songs, and all had fun.