Why are people telling her she's not invited?!

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have a friend who keeps pushing to be invited to events. I’ve known her for several years, but we aren’t that close. My partner considers her a killjoy who psychoanalyzes him too much; others in our group have complained about her mooching. She is a sweet girl with good intentions who simply does not pick up on social cues, and I don’t want to cut her out of my life as I can enjoy her company. However, I also don’t want to get a text every time I choose not to invite her along. She once even told me when my partner had “forgotten” to include her on an email asking a few friends to help us move! How do I politely tell her that it is rude to text me every time she’s not invited to an event I’m hosting, and that it is not always a mistake?

—Pushed Over the Edge

DrillSergeantCat

I'm not sure there's any way to be with this woman other than direct. "It makes me uncomfortable when you ask why you're not invited somewhere. Please stop."

southernbelle0915

Not sure how this keeps happening? Maybe their invited friends share too much? Maybe they post too much to social media so pushy friend knows when she's being left out? I feel like there are solutions outside of LW having to address this directly with her. I mean, what's she going to say?

Heffalump

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

I have a friend who keeps pushing to be invited to events. I’ve known her for several years, but we aren’t that close. My partner considers her a killjoy who psychoanalyzes him too much; others in our group have complained about her mooching. She is a sweet girl with good intentions who simply does not pick up on social cues, and I don’t want to cut her out of my life as I can enjoy her company. However, I also don’t want to get a text every time I choose not to invite her along. She once even told me when my partner had “forgotten” to include her on an email asking a few friends to help us move! How do I politely tell her that it is rude to text me every time she’s not invited to an event I’m hosting, and that it is not always a mistake?

—Pushed Over the Edge

I mean, to the LW's question, that's not a bad start.  Not everyone has to do everything together, so stop making it an issue.

MissKittyDanger

Is there a way to not let this person know about things happening? Like how is this person finding out?

Honestly, as rude as it sounds, LW does not have to give a reason on why this person is not invited.
If someone asked "oh why wasn't I invited?" I would probably make up an excuse because I'm bad with that - but I've never experienced it so in the end it may depend on the person's comfort level.

DrillSergeantCat

MissKittyDanger said:

Is there a way to not let this person know about things happening? Like how is this person finding out?

Honestly, as rude as it sounds, LW does not have to give a reason on why this person is not invited.
If someone asked "oh why wasn't I invited?" I would probably make up an excuse because I'm bad with that - but I've never experienced it so in the end it may depend on the person's comfort level.

Me: Hahaha Did you hear about that new store that opened at the mall?

mrsconn23

I wonder how often are these people getting together?   I'm guessing they're in their mid-20's (with the group moving stuff).  

Also, I wonder how the rest of the group feels about this person.  Are they leaving her out too or is this just LW and her partner (which I don't dismiss the reasons if this person is really that critical toward the LW's partner)? 

kimmiinthemitten

I'm a bit off put by this.  Le'ts call friend Steve.  

Steve can be socially awkward, is part of a larger friend group, and LW want to remain friends with him.  LW's partner doesn't want Steve invited to their events so LW stopped inviting him.  Clearly, since Steve is part of a larger group, he finds out each time.

I'd be annoyed too if I was Steve and was being singled out and I think it's rude of LW's partner to dictate friendships.

short+sassy

Like some of you have pointed out, I'm guessing the LW isn't quite so "discreet" about what they are up to.  It's like we talk about all the time on the Etiquette board.  Don't talk about your wedding, to people you aren't inviting.

Same thing.  And I'm guessing here.  But don't blab on FB about the fun BBQ you're throwing on Saturday...with shout outs to Friend A to bring his awesome potato salad and Friend B to bring her world famous sangria...if you're not inviting everyone local you're friends with.  Or post a crap ton of pics, after the fact.

I had something like this happen to me.  At a previous job, my coworker was having a big Superbowl party.  She invited everyone in our 12 person office to her party...except me and Coworker S.  S and I discussed it and were both really hurt and confused, as to why we weren't invited.  Oh, but everyone was talking about that party...ad naseum...for DAYS before it happened.  After the party, even more talk about how fun it was.  One coworker posted pictures from the party on her office door.  It was REALLY SH***Y!!!

In fact, Coworker S who was braver than I was, actually asked Party Coworker, "What gived?"  Though she did it after the party.  Apparently Party Coworker's BF (also a coworker) was jealous and worried that PC might become better friends with me and "S".  So she specifically told her not to invite us.  Interesting to see a 23-year-old wrapped in a 12-year-old's clothing.