Wedding Party

Friend Is Angry She's Not a Bridesmaid

This week, one of my close friends from college asked me to be her Maid of Honor. While I was thrilled to be asked, my stomach sank because I had not asked this girl to be a Bridesmaid in my own wedding. My fiancé and I have had a two-year engagement and are set to get married next year. She just recently got engaged a few months ago and planned her wedding two months after mine.

She and I roomed together in college and were really close. After college, I moved away and we never really saw each other and only texted once in a while. I think in 4 years I saw her a total of 3 times when I came home. She started texting me constantly when my fiancé and I got engaged. All of a sudden I was interesting enough to talk to.

My fiancé and I moved home 8 months ago and we drove to see her and her boyfriend (before they got engaged). She made a comment about the type of dress she wanted as a BM. I laughed and changed the subject. I had already picked my BMs.

I chose my BMs based on who made an effort to talk/see me after I had moved across the country. She didn’t fall into that category and I had assumed we drifted apart. The times I did see her after college, she was extremely negative and it was exhausting to try to keep everything upbeat. When we were invited out with friends to an event, she refused to participate in things our friends were doing. I would make an effort to hang out and talk to her while everyone else was having fun.

When she got engaged, I sent her a little gift because she IS my friend and I DO love her, I just didn’t have room for her in my wedding. When she asked me to be her MOH, I knew I needed to tell her she wasn’t in my wedding party. I tried to keep it all about her and positive – telling her I wanted to be upfront with her and wanted to keep my BP a reasonable size. I’m still not convinced this was the right thing to do.

She said, “Yeah I figured.” I was so happy, I thought this meant she wasn’t offended and appreciated my honesty. I was wrong because then she started being extremely passive aggressive and later in the day it got worse. She wrote, “It’s fine. You are just a great person with lots of friends and I just didn’t make the cut it’s fine.”

I don't know how to handle this situation. I've hurt her feelings and embarrassed her and I feel terrible, but I don't want to sacrifice my own sanity to make her feel better.

Re: Friend Is Angry She's Not a Bridesmaid

  • This week, one of my close friends from college asked me to be her Maid of Honor. While I was thrilled to be asked, my stomach sank because I had not asked this girl to be a Bridesmaid in my own wedding. My fiancé and I have had a two-year engagement and are set to get married next year. She just recently got engaged a few months ago and planned her wedding two months after mine.

    She and I roomed together in college and were really close. After college, I moved away and we never really saw each other and only texted once in a while. I think in 4 years I saw her a total of 3 times when I came home. She started texting me constantly when my fiancé and I got engaged. All of a sudden I was interesting enough to talk to.

    My fiancé and I moved home 8 months ago and we drove to see her and her boyfriend (before they got engaged). She made a comment about the type of dress she wanted as a BM. I laughed and changed the subject. I had already picked my BMs.

    I chose my BMs based on who made an effort to talk/see me after I had moved across the country. She didn’t fall into that category and I had assumed we drifted apart. The times I did see her after college, she was extremely negative and it was exhausting to try to keep everything upbeat. When we were invited out with friends to an event, she refused to participate in things our friends were doing. I would make an effort to hang out and talk to her while everyone else was having fun.

    When she got engaged, I sent her a little gift because she IS my friend and I DO love her, I just didn’t have room for her in my wedding. When she asked me to be her MOH, I knew I needed to tell her she wasn’t in my wedding party. I tried to keep it all about her and positive – telling her I wanted to be upfront with her and wanted to keep my BP a reasonable size. I’m still not convinced this was the right thing to do.

    She said, “Yeah I figured.” I was so happy, I thought this meant she wasn’t offended and appreciated my honesty. I was wrong because then she started being extremely passive aggressive and later in the day it got worse. She wrote, “It’s fine. You are just a great person with lots of friends and I just didn’t make the cut it’s fine.”

    I don't know how to handle this situation. I've hurt her feelings and embarrassed her and I feel terrible, but I don't want to sacrifice my own sanity to make her feel better.
    You're entitled to have (or not have) anyone you want in your wedding party. If you don't want her to stand up with you, that's fine. But it's not because there's not room (because really you can have as many, or as few, people stand up with you as you want), and she probably knows that. I think the best thing to do is acknowledge her feelings and move on. 

    But to the bolded; friendship is a two-way street. Meaning she didn't reach out, but did you? I moved away from my core group of friends (twice in fact) and I took it as my job to make an effort after I left, because my group of friends already had established norms and behaviors, I was the one hat was changing things, YKWIM? My friends definitely reached out and made an effort, too, but I was "disrupting" the normal balance. 
    MairePoppyeileenrobshort+sassySP29
  • Did she know that you were hurt by her not reaching out more?  If this was the deciding factor, can you elaborate?  I guess you were constantly calling/texting her and she never responded?  Bc ditto Charlotte keeping in touch is a two way street.  If you were trying and this had been discussed and she was aware, then it is what it is. People drift apart as life changes.  The fact that she feels close enough to you to ask you to be her MOH makes me feel like maybe she didn't know the extent of your hurt, or maybe she feels like she did do a good job and that you two are close. I'd have a conversation about the friendship before one about WP choices.
    If you were very clear with her about your disappointment and you did try to keep in touch with her, then I agree with you  that her most recent text was passive aggressive. 
    charlotte989875SP29
  • lnixon8lnixon8
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    Just hang out with her and try not to bring up your wedding.


    short+sassyMesmrEweknottie1027
  • Yikes that's a tough situation. Like PPs have said, keeping touch is a two-way street. Did you try to keep up with her once you moved? I've also moved away from friends a few times & had friends move far away and it's not enough if only one person is expected to try. 

    Maybe you should talk to her about how you're feeling. If you DO want to retain a friendship with her, acknowledge that you maybe also didn't do enough to keep it going after you moved and try to do better. Let her know you feel bad and try to rebuild the relationship going forward. 
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