Issue with Bridesmaid about Dress

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427

Hi all, 
I'm hoping you can help me out with some advice please.

Still 9 months to go until WD. One of the joint MOH sent bridal party group chat a BM dress link last month, everyone loved them, easy, lets order them. 
I'm Paying for and ordering dresses. They are on sale end of line, so slight swiftness needed to get the right sizes before sell out. Would like dresses to match.
BM's got back to me straight away with sizes except one (sister). When i asked her for dress size the day after, she complained saying 'she thought i wasn't ordering them until later on' and took a further week to get her measurements. Eventually, dress ordered (it was on sale and didn't want to miss a size and have to send them all back). (they sent the wrong one and it was out of stock but managed to swap and get the right one for her a week later when one came back in, then sold out again).

So this week a month later i asked her if we can meet up to try her dress, she glosses over/ignores the message about meet up and i don't hear from her until the next day (also she's my younger sister). She messages me making casual conversation until i ask again 'can we meet up and when is she free' to which she says 'there's lots of time'. I ask her, 'does she have lots of time or lots of time before the wedding?' and she confirms the wedding. So i gently say, ideally it needs to be sometime in the next 2 weeks and when is she free? as i'll have to send dress back if it doesn't fit and i just need a little cooperation with a smiley face.

Well she kicks off, calling me rude and that i'm barking orders at her (i.e ask her when was she free to try on a dress) 

Anywho, we argued and she blocked me on messenger. I don't feel i should be having so much trouble just asking her when she's free to try on a dress. I suspect it might be a weight issue (she told me she wanted to loose weight and grow out her hair before the wedding, to which i reassured we can always have the dress taken in, as its a lot more tricky to have them taken out) and when i raised it in said conversation, she was outraged. I immediately apologised if i'd offended her and said i didn't just assume but it was based off of what she had talked to me about before. 
I was thinking perhaps she's ordered a size smaller than she is so doesn't want to tell me that or try it on? i don't know.

Having her create so much drama so early just feels like a bit of a warning flag as its such a small 2 things I've asked her to do ( get measurements and when she can try on a dress) that's literally all. Am i being a Bridezilla?  

I've been upset about it for the last 4 days (i'm still blocked and we haven't spoken) though i could txt her or call, i haven't as i'm a bit disappointed by her reaction.

What should i/can i do? xx

ahoywedding

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427 said:

Hi all, 
I'm hoping you can help me out with some advice please I feel very stuck.

I'm getting married in early May 18. We wanted it to be a small intimate chilled out low stress wedding and as relaxed as possible. I have chosen 4 bridesmaids, 2 close friends (29, 30), 2 of my younger sisters. The youngest (18) is not girly at all and asked if its okay she doesn't wear a dress as she's feel uncomfortable but still wants to do bridesmaid flowers, walk down etc. No problem at all! love it, i'm getting her a lady suit and waistcoat with a blouse to match the dresses. 
One of the joint MOH sent me a dress link last month, loved them, easy lets order them. 
Now, the problem, both BM got back to me straight away except my other sister (26yrs) ..to be fair, she fell off her Motorbike the weekend before a bit bruised but was in work the monday, so okay. When i asked her for dress size tuesday, she complained saying she thought i wasnt ordering them until later on and took a further week of chasing to get her to take measurements. Fine, dress ordered (it was on sale and didn't want to miss a size and have to send them all back) ps. i was very understanding as she's hurt herself.

So this week a month later i asked her if we can meet up to try her dress on to make sure it fits, she glosses over/ignores the message about meet up and i don't hear from her until the next day. She messages me making casual conversation until i ask again about meet up to which she says there's lots of time. I ask her, does she have lots of time or lots of time before the wedding? and she confirms the wedding. So i gently press and say, ideally it needs to be sometime in the next 2 weeks and when is she free? as i'll have to send dress back if it doesn't fit and i just need a little cooperation with a smiley face.

Well this causes her to explode, calling me rude and that i'm barking orders at her. I challenged her on this saying she'd not responded yesterday when i asked her and today she exploded and asked i then asked the cause of the resistance to the dress was and that she of all bridesmaids had caused me a lot of resistance re dress. 
Anywho, we argued and she blocked me on messenger. I don't feel i should be having so much trouble just asking her when she's free to try on a dress. I suspect it might be a weight issue (she told me she wanted to loose weight and grow out her hair before the wedding, to which i reassured we can always have the dress taken in) and when i raised it in said conversation, she was outraged. Perhaps she's ordered a size smaller than she is so doesn't want to tell me that? i don't know.

I have alcoholic parents and had a really stressful unpleasant upbringing and my life now (since i cut off most communication with parents) has been nothing but relaxed and happy and supportive. I want our wedding to be the same so having her create so much drama so early just feels like a serious warning flag as its such a small 2 things I've asked her to do ( get measurements and when she can try on a dress) that's literally all.

I don't want to have to ask her not to be a bridesmaid and I've been upset about it for the last 4 days (i'm still blocked and we haven't spoken) I'll already have my hands full handling parents on the Wday, so i feel the need to do damage control already. 
What should i/can i do? xx

You DO still have a lot of time before your wedding. Why are you rushing her to try on her dress NOW? Your sister had a motorbike accident and is quite possibly not feeling back to normal yet. It may not be comfortable for her to try on the dress. Alterations don't have to take very long; my initial appointment was in mid-February for an early April wedding, and even had some adjustments done the week before. 

Did all of your BMs agree on the dress, or did one of your MOH just choose it? You should have asked everyone their budget and found an option within the lowest dollar amount. 

Right now, you're the one making your wedding a stressful event. Chill out, let your sister recover and get her life back to normal, call and talk to her about ANYTHING besides wedding things. Have you even asked her how she's doing since her accident?

climbingsingle

Your wedding is 9 months away. Why does she need to try it on now? Honestly, I'd be pretty peeved at this badgering too. 

Give it a few days and apologize. You are the one creating this drama and stress, not her. 

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427

Hi ladies, thanks for the responses. 

We aren't massively close, as soon as i found out about her tumble on facebook i sent her a message straight away and regularly over the couple of weeks that followed to see how she was doing. She's been out to other motorbike events and seen friends since as the pictures have been coming up on facebook.

I'm paying for all the dresses and suit for the girls and asked that they get the shoes. We have a shared group and everyone said they like it. I'm not so worried about alterations, more about it being the right basic size (the other BM we had to swap for a size up as it seems to run small).
My only rush is getting them to try in one at some point in the 28 days so we can swap if needed. 

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427

*ooh also they are end of line sale dresses with limited sizes so its a get it before its gone scenario

ahoywedding

So you have 28 days to exchange them if they don't fit? If you knew that, I would wait until everyone would have been able to try on her dress before buying them. Or choose something else. Honestly if you're buying them, you can pick what you want. (Comfort should be taken into consideration of course). If you know it seems to run small, size up, and then pay for alterations if needed. 

Have you been talking to your sister about non-wedding things? That would be a good way to open that communication again. Also, the ship has kind of sailed on this one, but if you're not super close she doesn't HAVE to be in the wedding. I would be pretty salty if I had immediate issues in my life and someone only wanted to talk about their wedding in 9 months.

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427

Thanks for the reply Ahoy. Im pretty easy going but as everyone loved the dress, it didnt make sense really to wait with the sale as it would likely sell out. I was planning on having alterations 6 weeks before when i do mine for the wedding dress but this was really just to make sure it wasn't a complete non fit before that point.
All bridesmaids are so different so we picked a long flattering under bust style and one of the two i'll be getting a maternity in the same style line as she'll be pregnant. 

We don't talk all that often really, i have contacted her regularly though about the accident to see how she is, couple of times a week over the last month. She hasn't been in touch with me outside of this and the only time I've brought up the wedding has been to ask for measurement and to try on the dress, so i'm left feeling bit upset about it all.

*correction i sent her some pictures of the flowers i made for the wedding back in Jan/Feb and she would have seen the post to the group page of what the dress looked like in person when it arrived. but that's it really on the wedding front.

charlotte989875

I think you need to back off here. Do you have the dress or does she? If you have it drop it off at her house, ask her to try on when it's easiest for her (before the return deadline), and tell her to get in touch with you if it needs to be sent back. No need for you to be there, see her do it, or be this stressed out. 

ahoywedding

I agree with @charlotte989875. Drop it off at her house, let her know how long she has to let you know if it fits (aka the final date for exchanges), and the drop the subject. You're making a mountain out of an anthill. 

ETA: words.

STARMOON44

Oh my god stop harassing your poor sister.  You bullied her into ordering ridiculously early because you decided to pick some discontinued dress and now you're demanding she try it on in front of you? Just stop. Give her the dress in the size she ordered. Assume she will be an adult and get it altered to fit perfectly by the day of. Never mention her weight again and stop dealing with things over text message. 

holyguacamole79

Back off your sister.

When my sister got married, she had asked me to be one of her MOHs.  I was a newlywed and was happy to stand with her.  I was annoyed as hell, though, by her acting like how you're describing.  I'm also curvy and was (am) the heaviest of the bridal party.  I felt incredibly self-conscious about everything.  We weren't asked for input regarding the bridesmaid dress, but I still went along and said "oh yes, I love it!" when I was meh and anxious.  I also dragged my feet in ordering because I was nervous to see how my dress sized compared to the others.  It's super embarrassing to admit that it's due to a weight problem.  Granted, those are her insecurities that she will work through and it seems unfair that it would affect your wedding.  But here's the thing - you (most likely) asked your sister to be in your wedding because you love her.  Don't let your desire to have a wedding look a certain way interfere with your desire & intent to honor your sister's relationship with you.

Give her the dress and let it be.  If the dress doesn't fit or something happens, you may need to be prepared to make a decision.  Many women here will tell you that if a bridal party member doesn't wear the designated attire, she essentially is removing herself from the wedding.  While I agree with this to a degree, I think it comes down to what you want more - your sister standing with you regardless of her attire or having a bridal party completely matching.      

ahoywedding

holyguacamole79 said:

Back off your sister.

When my sister got married, she had asked me to be one of her MOHs.  I was a newlywed and was happy to stand with her.  I was annoyed as hell, though, by her acting like how you're describing.  I'm also curvy and was (am) the heaviest of the bridal party.  I felt incredibly self-conscious about everything.  We weren't asked for input regarding the bridesmaid dress, but I still went along and said "oh yes, I love it!" when I was meh and anxious.  I also dragged my feet in ordering because I was nervous to see how my dress sized compared to the others.  It's super embarrassing to admit that it's due to a weight problem.  Granted, those are her insecurities that she will work through and it seems unfair that it would affect your wedding.  But here's the thing - you (most likely) asked your sister to be in your wedding because you love her.  Don't let your desire to have a wedding look a certain way interfere with your desire & intent to honor your sister's relationship with you.

-SNIP-    

OT, but in my head you look like Cameron Diaz, if that makes you feel better  

holyguacamole79

@ahoywedding , omgosh I LOVE YOU!!  I have brown hair, though, and yellow doesn't look that good on me.  That does make me smile, though.

MobKaz

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427 said:

Thanks for the reply Ahoy. Im pretty easy going but as everyone loved the dress, it didnt make sense really to wait with the sale as it would likely sell out. I was planning on having alterations 6 weeks before when i do mine for the wedding dress but this was really just to make sure it wasn't a complete non fit before that point.
All bridesmaids are so different so we picked a long flattering under bust style and one of the two i'll be getting a maternity in the same style line as she'll be pregnant. 

We don't talk all that often really, i have contacted her regularly though about the accident to see how she is, couple of times a week over the last month. She hasn't been in touch with me outside of this and the only time I've brought up the wedding has been to ask for measurement and to try on the dress, so i'm left feeling bit upset about it all.

*correction i sent her some pictures of the flowers i made for the wedding back in Jan/Feb and she would have seen the post to the group page of what the dress looked like in person when it arrived. but that's it really on the wedding front.

Huh?  You said your wedding day is 9 months away and yet you KNOW someone will be pregnant?  How is that possible? 

InLoveInQueens

MobKaz said:

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427 said:

Thanks for the reply Ahoy. Im pretty easy going but as everyone loved the dress, it didnt make sense really to wait with the sale as it would likely sell out. I was planning on having alterations 6 weeks before when i do mine for the wedding dress but this was really just to make sure it wasn't a complete non fit before that point.
All bridesmaids are so different so we picked a long flattering under bust style and one of the two i'll be getting a maternity in the same style line as she'll be pregnant. 

We don't talk all that often really, i have contacted her regularly though about the accident to see how she is, couple of times a week over the last month. She hasn't been in touch with me outside of this and the only time I've brought up the wedding has been to ask for measurement and to try on the dress, so i'm left feeling bit upset about it all.

*correction i sent her some pictures of the flowers i made for the wedding back in Jan/Feb and she would have seen the post to the group page of what the dress looked like in person when it arrived. but that's it really on the wedding front.

Huh?  You said your wedding day is 9 months away and yet you KNOW someone will be pregnant?  How is that possible? 

Didn't you learn in middle school sex ed, the day you decide to start trying to conceive you get pregnant. Duh. It's not something that can take months if not years for some couples and something that can't really be scheduled like a party.

short+sassy

ahoywedding said:

holyguacamole79 said:

Back off your sister.

When my sister got married, she had asked me to be one of her MOHs.  I was a newlywed and was happy to stand with her.  I was annoyed as hell, though, by her acting like how you're describing.  I'm also curvy and was (am) the heaviest of the bridal party.  I felt incredibly self-conscious about everything.  We weren't asked for input regarding the bridesmaid dress, but I still went along and said "oh yes, I love it!" when I was meh and anxious.  I also dragged my feet in ordering because I was nervous to see how my dress sized compared to the others.  It's super embarrassing to admit that it's due to a weight problem.  Granted, those are her insecurities that she will work through and it seems unfair that it would affect your wedding.  But here's the thing - you (most likely) asked your sister to be in your wedding because you love her.  Don't let your desire to have a wedding look a certain way interfere with your desire & intent to honor your sister's relationship with you.

-SNIP-    

OT, but in my head you look like Cameron Diaz, if that makes you feel better  

I keep joking to myself that I need to add a gif to my profile of someone like Sofia Vergara (my girl crush), so other PPs picture me smoking hot, lol.  Because I totally do the same thing!

I've even seen pics @kimmiinthemitten have posted of herself.  But I still picture her as an elderly lady on a chair lift, lol. 

MobKaz

InLoveInQueens said:

MobKaz said:

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427 said:

Thanks for the reply Ahoy. Im pretty easy going but as everyone loved the dress, it didnt make sense really to wait with the sale as it would likely sell out. I was planning on having alterations 6 weeks before when i do mine for the wedding dress but this was really just to make sure it wasn't a complete non fit before that point.
All bridesmaids are so different so we picked a long flattering under bust style and one of the two i'll be getting a maternity in the same style line as she'll be pregnant. 

We don't talk all that often really, i have contacted her regularly though about the accident to see how she is, couple of times a week over the last month. She hasn't been in touch with me outside of this and the only time I've brought up the wedding has been to ask for measurement and to try on the dress, so i'm left feeling bit upset about it all.

*correction i sent her some pictures of the flowers i made for the wedding back in Jan/Feb and she would have seen the post to the group page of what the dress looked like in person when it arrived. but that's it really on the wedding front.

Huh?  You said your wedding day is 9 months away and yet you KNOW someone will be pregnant?  How is that possible? 

Didn't you learn in middle school sex ed, the day you decide to start trying to conceive you get pregnant. Duh. It's not something that can take months if not years for some couples and something that can't really be scheduled like a party.

Parochial elementary school circa 1963-1970.  What's sex ed?

All that's missing is the beanie......

knottief16b91b9887217a6

MobKaz said:

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427 said:

Thanks for the reply Ahoy. Im pretty easy going but as everyone loved the dress, it didnt make sense really to wait with the sale as it would likely sell out. I was planning on having alterations 6 weeks before when i do mine for the wedding dress but this was really just to make sure it wasn't a complete non fit before that point.
All bridesmaids are so different so we picked a long flattering under bust style and one of the two i'll be getting a maternity in the same style line as she'll be pregnant. 

We don't talk all that often really, i have contacted her regularly though about the accident to see how she is, couple of times a week over the last month. She hasn't been in touch with me outside of this and the only time I've brought up the wedding has been to ask for measurement and to try on the dress, so i'm left feeling bit upset about it all.

*correction i sent her some pictures of the flowers i made for the wedding back in Jan/Feb and she would have seen the post to the group page of what the dress looked like in person when it arrived. but that's it really on the wedding front.

Huh?  You said your wedding day is 9 months away and yet you KNOW someone will be pregnant?  How is that possible? 

I had a friend back out of my wedding because they were trying to conceive. Maybe the BM is trying or anticipating or hopeful or literally just found out she was pregnant? My friend is pregnant now, and is due around my WD! She had a plan and stuck to it, I guess!

flantastic

knottief16b91b9887217a6 said:

MobKaz said:

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427 said:

Thanks for the reply Ahoy. Im pretty easy going but as everyone loved the dress, it didnt make sense really to wait with the sale as it would likely sell out. I was planning on having alterations 6 weeks before when i do mine for the wedding dress but this was really just to make sure it wasn't a complete non fit before that point.
All bridesmaids are so different so we picked a long flattering under bust style and one of the two i'll be getting a maternity in the same style line as she'll be pregnant. 

We don't talk all that often really, i have contacted her regularly though about the accident to see how she is, couple of times a week over the last month. She hasn't been in touch with me outside of this and the only time I've brought up the wedding has been to ask for measurement and to try on the dress, so i'm left feeling bit upset about it all.

*correction i sent her some pictures of the flowers i made for the wedding back in Jan/Feb and she would have seen the post to the group page of what the dress looked like in person when it arrived. but that's it really on the wedding front.

Huh?  You said your wedding day is 9 months away and yet you KNOW someone will be pregnant?  How is that possible? 

I had a friend back out of my wedding because they were trying to conceive. Maybe the BM is trying or anticipating or hopeful or literally just found out she was pregnant? My friend is pregnant now, and is due around my WD! She had a plan and stuck to it, I guess!

I think people's point is that the "plan" isn't really something in your control, no matter how much people want to think that they'll get pregnant as soon as they decide they want a baby.

On the math side of things, if the wedding is in 9 months, the BM wouldn't actually know she's pregnant. You can't find out until you're about 4 "weeks" along. So this is just based on a hope of being pregnant, and considering how long it takes many couples to conceive, buying a maternity dress is straight up jumping the gun. No harm in taking a wait-and-see-but-we-hope approach, but it makes zero sense to order a maternity dress now. What does make sense is choosing a line which includes maternity styles, which may be all that OP has done.

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427

Hi ladies,
thank you for all your responses.
i don't care about them being skinny or perfect at all lol. One is black, one is gay short hair wearing suit, one is going to be pregnant ( she's receiving treatment for fertility that's going very well, with check and scans monthly, it's almost a certainty now. I'm so happy for her as they've been trying for 2 years), the other has a load of arm tattoos so it's a complete mixed bag really, I just want them there because of who they are not what they look like. 
seems to be a misunderstanding on the whole looming while she tries it on side, my sister complained in our argument about wanting to see me, and I though it would be nice to try on together as I have my dress and she hasn't seen it.
i do realise I was a bit stressed out after the argument but I've let it go and sent the dress back for now. Going to let her come to me when she's ready and we can reorder or sort something else another time. 

holyguacamole79

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427 said:

Hi ladies,
thank you for all your responses.
i don't care about them being skinny or perfect at all lol. One is black, one is gay short hair wearing suit, one is going to be pregnant ( she's receiving treatment for fertility that's going very well, with check and scans monthly, it's almost a certainty now. I'm so happy for her as they've been trying for 2 years), the other has a load of arm tattoos so it's a complete mixed bag really, I just want them there because of who they are not what they look like. 
seems to be a misunderstanding on the whole looming while she tries it on side, my sister complained in our argument about wanting to see me, and I though it would be nice to try on together as I have my dress and she hasn't seen it.
i do realise I was a bit stressed out after the argument but I've let it go and sent the dress back for now. Going to let her come to me when she's ready and we can reorder or sort something else another time. 

Regarding the fertility treatments, I really hope they go as she hopes.  You're putting a lot of eggs in that basket.

Regarding "gay short hair wearing suit" ... are you saying that she's wearing a suit to the wedding?  I'm honestly not following.

justsie

holyguacamole79 said:

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427 said:

Hi ladies,
thank you for all your responses.
i don't care about them being skinny or perfect at all lol. One is black, one is gay short hair wearing suit, one is going to be pregnant ( she's receiving treatment for fertility that's going very well, with check and scans monthly, it's almost a certainty now. I'm so happy for her as they've been trying for 2 years), the other has a load of arm tattoos so it's a complete mixed bag really, I just want them there because of who they are not what they look like. 
seems to be a misunderstanding on the whole looming while she tries it on side, my sister complained in our argument about wanting to see me, and I though it would be nice to try on together as I have my dress and she hasn't seen it.
i do realise I was a bit stressed out after the argument but I've let it go and sent the dress back for now. Going to let her come to me when she's ready and we can reorder or sort something else another time. 

Regarding the fertility treatments, I really hope they go as she hopes.  You're putting a lot of eggs in that basket.

Regarding "gay short hair wearing suit" ... are you saying that she's wearing a suit to the wedding?  I'm honestly not following.

OP edited her original post- she initially mentioned that one of her sisters is wearing a suit because she doesn't like to wear dresses. 

STARMOON44

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427 said:

Hi ladies,
thank you for all your responses.
i don't care about them being skinny or perfect at all lol. One is black, one is gay short hair wearing suit, one is going to be pregnant ( she's receiving treatment for fertility that's going very well, with check and scans monthly, it's almost a certainty now. I'm so happy for her as they've been trying for 2 years), the other has a load of arm tattoos so it's a complete mixed bag really, I just want them there because of who they are not what they look like. 
seems to be a misunderstanding on the whole looming while she tries it on side, my sister complained in our argument about wanting to see me, and I though it would be nice to try on together as I have my dress and she hasn't seen it.
i do realise I was a bit stressed out after the argument but I've let it go and sent the dress back for now. Going to let her come to me when she's ready and we can reorder or sort something else another time. 

You sent it back? Why?!? I thought the whole problem was that she might not be able to get it again. Did she ask you to send it back? 

holyguacamole79

justsie said:

holyguacamole79 said:

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427 said:

Hi ladies,
thank you for all your responses.
i don't care about them being skinny or perfect at all lol. One is black, one is gay short hair wearing suit, one is going to be pregnant ( she's receiving treatment for fertility that's going very well, with check and scans monthly, it's almost a certainty now. I'm so happy for her as they've been trying for 2 years), the other has a load of arm tattoos so it's a complete mixed bag really, I just want them there because of who they are not what they look like. 
seems to be a misunderstanding on the whole looming while she tries it on side, my sister complained in our argument about wanting to see me, and I though it would be nice to try on together as I have my dress and she hasn't seen it.
i do realise I was a bit stressed out after the argument but I've let it go and sent the dress back for now. Going to let her come to me when she's ready and we can reorder or sort something else another time. 

Regarding the fertility treatments, I really hope they go as she hopes.  You're putting a lot of eggs in that basket.

Regarding "gay short hair wearing suit" ... are you saying that she's wearing a suit to the wedding?  I'm honestly not following.

OP edited her original post- she initially mentioned that one of her sisters is wearing a suit because she doesn't like to wear dresses. 

Ah, thanks!  I thought something felt off.

JediElizabeth

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427 said:

Hi ladies,
thank you for all your responses.
i don't care about them being skinny or perfect at all lol. One is black, one is gay short hair wearing suit, one is going to be pregnant ( she's receiving treatment for fertility that's going very well, with check and scans monthly, it's almost a certainty now. I'm so happy for her as they've been trying for 2 years), the other has a load of arm tattoos so it's a complete mixed bag really, I just want them there because of who they are not what they look like. 
seems to be a misunderstanding on the whole looming while she tries it on side, my sister complained in our argument about wanting to see me, and I though it would be nice to try on together as I have my dress and she hasn't seen it.
i do realise I was a bit stressed out after the argument but I've let it go and sent the dress back for now. Going to let her come to me when she's ready and we can reorder or sort something else another time. 

Ok, I don't seen how race, sexuality/gender or tattoos have to do with being skinny, and I don't see how any of them have to do with being perfect. (In fact, andro women in suits are usually pretty perfect in my book )

I know it's not your intention, but you're coming off as tokenizing your friends, or loving them despite who they are instead of because of. 

To the second bolded: Did you talk to her before sending the dress back? This seems pretty extreme, and the subtext comes off as "You're not in my wedding party unless you make this better, then you'll have a different dress from everyone else anyway." Which, as others have said, is usually NBD. But it's kind of stigmatizing when you had a dress for her, but you've sent it back because she didn't want to try it on in your timeline.

climbingsingle

JediElizabeth said:

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427 said:

Hi ladies,
thank you for all your responses.
i don't care about them being skinny or perfect at all lol. One is black, one is gay short hair wearing suit, one is going to be pregnant ( she's receiving treatment for fertility that's going very well, with check and scans monthly, it's almost a certainty now. I'm so happy for her as they've been trying for 2 years), the other has a load of arm tattoos so it's a complete mixed bag really, I just want them there because of who they are not what they look like. 
seems to be a misunderstanding on the whole looming while she tries it on side, my sister complained in our argument about wanting to see me, and I though it would be nice to try on together as I have my dress and she hasn't seen it.
i do realise I was a bit stressed out after the argument but I've let it go and sent the dress back for now. Going to let her come to me when she's ready and we can reorder or sort something else another time. 

Ok, I don't seen how race, sexuality/gender or tattoos have to do with being skinny, and I don't see how any of them have to do with being perfect. (In fact, andro women in suits are usually pretty perfect in my book )

I know it's not your intention, but you're coming off as tokenizing your friends, or loving them despite who they are instead of because of. 

To the second bolded: Did you talk to her before sending the dress back? This seems pretty extreme, and the subtext comes off as "You're not in my wedding party unless you make this better, then you'll have a different dress from everyone else anyway." Which, as others have said, is usually NBD. But it's kind of stigmatizing when you had a dress for her, but you've sent it back because she didn't want to try it on in your timeline.

Thank your for articulating what I was feeling reading that. OP, women that are black, and tattooed, and "gay with short hair" are perfect and beautiful. FULL STOP. 

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427

*face palm*
I'm new to posting on forums and I seem to be making this worse by not explaining myself right. 

back to what holyguacamole79 said
"don't let your desire to have a wedding look a certain way interfere with your desire & intent to honor your sister's relationship with you."

To be Very Very Clear... I was just trying to say, i don't care what they look like, fat/thin/whatever their external appearance it doesn't matter to me (and for the record i think they're all beautiful just as they are and want them to be happy and comfortable).
I was just trying to make that point and say that i'm not looking for that uniform photo magazine bridesmaid collection that some people go for.
My sisters weight whatever it may be doesn't matter to me in the slightest (big or small). Only that she's there to share the experience with me on the day. Can i also point out that we're very similar size 12 and 14.
Of course just sending it back would be a dick move. Which is why i ordered another one before i sent it back.
I did overreact a little initially with the original post but its not about the dress in reality (i'm pretty resourceful and you can always sort stuff like that out).

I think its more about the way shes behaving (totally accept i'm also at fault here btw), she kicks off, and then says about wanting to spend time together but its only on her terms, she doesn't message me and this was really going to be the first wedding thing we've done together since i got engaged 8 months ago (as we don't talk about it). I did ask her to be a BM so we could share the experience together so i felt the first time i ask her when she's free to do something related to it i get a big knock back.

I consider myself a pretty understanding and laid back person generally so i feel if can meet people half way or do anything to make things right i will but if they don't tell me whats wrong/going on i cant do much about it and this was pretty much the focus of our argument from my side.

Feel like i'm getting quite the negative slap down in this thread thus far but i can see how it comes across badly in the original posts and try and take what people say on board.

Its all just silliness really. 

ahoywedding

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427 said:

*face palm*
I'm new to posting on forums and I seem to be making this worse by not explaining myself right. 

back to what holyguacamole79 said
"don't let your desire to have a wedding look a certain way interfere with your desire & intent to honor your sister's relationship with you."

To be Very Very Clear... I was just trying to say, i don't care what they look like, fat/thin/whatever their external appearance it doesn't matter to me (and for the record i think they're all beautiful just as they are and want them to be happy and comfortable).
I was just trying to make that point and say that i'm not looking for that uniform photo magazine bridesmaid collection that some people go for.
My sisters weight whatever it may be doesn't matter to me in the slightest (big or small). Only that she's there to share the experience with me on the day. Can i also point out that we're very similar size 12 and 14.
Of course just sending it back would be a dick move. Which is why i ordered another one before i sent it back.
I did overreact a little initially with the original post but its not about the dress in reality (i'm pretty resourceful and you can always sort stuff like that out).

I think its more about the way shes behaving (totally accept i'm also at fault here btw), she kicks off, and then says about wanting to spend time together but its only on her terms, she doesn't message me and this was really going to be the first wedding thing we've done together since i got engaged 8 months ago (as we don't talk about it). I did ask her to be a BM so we could share the experience together so i felt the first time i ask her when she's free to do something related to it i get a big knock back.

I consider myself a pretty understanding and laid back person generally so i feel if can meet people half way or do anything to make things right i will but if they don't tell me whats wrong/going on i cant do much about it and this was pretty much the focus of our argument from my side.

Feel like i'm getting quite the negative slap down in this thread thus far but i can see how it comes across badly in the original posts and try and take what people say on board.

Its all just silliness really. 

So yeah, you weren't being very clear with your initial issue. The title of your post and the focus in the beginning seemed like you were more worried about your sister trying on the dress so everyone could have the same dress and because they were on sale you had to decide quickly.

That's a WAY different situation than when you describe here, which is more about your relationship. If you two weren't close to begin with, her being in your wedding may not make you closer, so I would try to manage your expectations around that. Wedding planning seems to bring out people's personality in a bigger light, but doesn't often change the way someone is. Have you told her you'd like to spend more time together or work on your relationship outside of wedding planning? You could even mention you feel hurt when you ask her to hang out and get shut down.

Also, some of us just aren't close to our siblings. and that's okay. It's a hard thing to deal with sometimes, especially during exciting times in our lives (wedding, having a baby, etc) when we'd want them to be more supportive. 

(FWIW, it's also considered rude to edit your initial post, especially when it's been quoted, without making a note that it was edited)

holyguacamole79

Knottieb2a83aa7a3ef4427 said:

 I did ask her to be a BM so we could share the experience together so i felt the first time i ask her when she's free to do something related to it i get a big knock back.

Lesson for lurkers ... don't ask someone to be in your bridal party with the intent of it bringing you closer together.  It often leads to unrealistic expectations & hurt feelings.

redwoodoriginal

I mean why do you care about her in the specific dress if your other BM sister gets to wear a completely different suit? Just have all the BMs wear whatever they want? Why does your suit sister get to wear what she's comfortable in and your other sister that wears dresses have to wear one you picked out?

OliveOilsMom

OP - It sounds like your sister just wants to hang out with you and NOT talk about the wedding.  Remember you will be more excited about your wedding than anyone else (except your FI).  Some people just aren't wedding people either.

Hang out with your sister and don't mention the wedding or the BM dress.  Improve your relationship outside of the wedding.