How to handle a baby at DW?

filaw

I'm a first time mom with what will be a 6 month old. My sister is having a DW. Both my husband and I are in the wedding party. I'm fairly stressed about a couple things. 

Issue 1, what to do with her during the ceremony. Since we'll both be standing up with my sister, neither of us can hold her. I can ask other family that will be there of course, my parents or my aunt, but what if she starts fussing or all out wailing? I can't ask my parents to miss my sister's ceremony right? My aunt maybe? But it feels like an overly burdensome request for someone that isn't intimate family. My MIL was going to do it, but now she's not going (no one from my husband's side is). What do I do?

issue 2. She needs hour long naps 3x a day, but you have to hold her through the whole thing. If you put her down, she wakes up. That's not something we're going to fix in the next 2 weeks so we're stuck with it. If my husband and I are going to be needed for pictures etc prewedding (I remember the whole morning before mine being a pretty packed schedule), then neither of us can be disappearing into a dark room for an hour. I guess this is maybe a more acceptable request for my aunt?

Ive yet to leave her with anyone except family. So I'm not totally comfortable the first time being a total stranger that I have to book without any personal referrals and without meeting beforehand (both impossible since we're in another country.) So babysitter isn't really an option. 

Thoughts? Brilliant out of the box inspirations?

MobKaz

filaw said:

I'm a first time mom with what will be a 6 month old. My sister is having a DW. Both my husband and I are in the wedding party. I'm fairly stressed about a couple things. 

Issue 1, what to do with her during the ceremony. Since we'll both be standing up with my sister, neither of us can hold her. I can ask other family that will be there of course, my parents or my aunt, but what if she starts fussing or all out wailing? I can't ask my parents to miss my sister's ceremony right? My aunt maybe? But it feels like an overly burdensome request for someone that isn't intimate family. My MIL was going to do it, but now she's not going (no one from my husband's side is). What do I do?

issue 2. She needs hour long naps 3x a day, but you have to hold her through the whole thing. If you put her down, she wakes up. That's not something we're going to fix in the next 2 weeks so we're stuck with it. If my husband and I are going to be needed for pictures etc prewedding (I remember the whole morning before mine being a pretty packed schedule), then neither of us can be disappearing into a dark room for an hour. I guess this is maybe a more acceptable request for my aunt?

Ive yet to leave her with anyone except family. So I'm not totally comfortable the first time being a total stranger that I have to book without any personal referrals and without meeting beforehand (both impossible since we're in another country.) So babysitter isn't really an option. 

Thoughts? Brilliant out of the box inspirations?

Is there anyone else that can travel with you that is familiar with your LO but not as emotionally attached re: the wedding?

Honestly, I think you need to take care of your LO.  Your emotional ties to the ceremony are similar to other family members, so you are correct that it would be unfair to ask anyone else to care for your LO.  Although you are in the wedding party, there is nothing that changes for your sister if you are required to leave to ceremony to settle the baby.  You are a new mom with a LO.  Stuff happens.

It might be more acceptable to ask a family member to help during pictures.  But pictures should not require you to be available for an entire morning.  Try to work your MUST DO pictures around LO's schedule.  While BM pictures are being taken, have your spouse care for the baby.  When it's time for groomsmen to be photographed, it's your turn.  When group photos are being taken, that is when you can check with a family member.

These are the downsides to life with baby.  Everyone needs to be a little flexible and understanding.  Your sister chose a DW that has some inherent inconveniences.  You opted to attend, and need to accept that you will also have to make some sacrifices. 

On a side note, I strongly encourage you to look into sleep training or other changes in nap routines when you return home. 

southernbelle0915

Ugh I can totally relate to the stress of a needy baby and having wedding party obligations. So first of all, I'm sorry you're having to stress about this. 

Since the wedding is in two weeks, I'm guessing you can't ask someone you know and trust to travel with you? That would have been ideal. Expensive, but ideal.

I actually don't think it's unfair to ask someone to hold your baby during the ceremony. Unless it's some crazy-long religious ceremony, you're talking about 15/20 minutes. Asking your aunt to hold your baby for that amount of time is not a big deal. It's family. 

Does she fall asleep in a reclined stroller? Even my colicky/fussy baby would fall asleep with the motion and bumps and a sound machine. If so, she can go where you go during the day and someone can rock the stroller for the few minutes you're taking photos.

Lastly, I don't know where you're going, but many resorts have babysitting services through the hotel. If that's an option, you could either drop her off at the daycare or hire someone to come to your room for the day. 

southernbelle0915

Oh and ditto @MobKaz on considering working on her nap routine for the long run - sleeping on you is ok when they're newborns, but at 6 months, you're creating a habit that will be very hard to break. Especially the longer you let it go on.

Once you realize what it's like to have the child's nap time as "you time", you will never go back. I promise. 

filaw

I forgot to mention my husband is on the bride's not the groom's side. 

My MIL was going to come and that was the plan. She had to drop out last minute, though, which is how we got here. 

As for sleep training, yeah...  My husband's the primary caregiver, though, and he's happy with the state of things, and since he's the one who has to deal with it whatever it is, I feel like he gets to have the most say in what he wants to do you know?

Ill talk to my sis about the possibility if she starts fussing/wailing, one of the two of us we'll probably just walk over to whoever's holding her and take her out of the room? I don't mind doing it. It's more the disruption that I'm worried about since we'll be standing up in front of everyone. 

southernbelle0915

@filaw - I mean, he kind of gets the final say as the primary caregiver, but unless he's planning to stay home with the child forever and y'all are never going to have anyone else babysit, you need to think about alternatives and long term options. Many children still need naps at 4 or 5 years old. Are you going to do this for 4-5 years? If not, you may as well teach the child now so that it becomes the norm and isn't really hard for them to change later on. 

climbingsingle

I don't think you should put this responsibility on a relative. Either you or your H should be taking her away for these naps. Same if she fusses during the ceremony. 

banana468

For the ceremony, are you open to talking to the resort and seeing if there is childcare for JUST the ceremony?   That would allow you to be baby free for the short period of time.    I'd ask to see what you can do for photos  of you first if possible so you can scoot away to parent the baby or see if you and your DH can take turns in photos.   

As much as it sucks, the good news is that if you need to put down your child and she screams while you're taking pictures, if she's not mobile, she's not going anywhere.  There were times; especially after I had my 2nd that I had to realize that the crying kid can't make me move faster.  Sometimes, the kids' going to cry and you have to let her cry for a bit.   Sucks, but your choices are flip out yourself or just let her do her thing for a few minutes. 

As far as the rest of the time, I'd think your choices in the next two weeks are: 
-Start sleep training
-Plan to baby wear when you're not "on duty".  

When my littles were that young and didn't really have a full schedule yet, I baby wore.  They snuggled up to me and snoozed on me as needed.   That may be the best solution.  It gives you hands free dining too. 

TrixieJess

I was going to suggest getting a ring sling or wrap. You could find one in linen that would match your dress. 

I feel your pain. My son sounds very much like your LO. 

STARMOON44

Babysitter. Get comfortable with it. You knew this was coming. 

Or tell your your sister your husband can't be involved in the ceremony because he has to take care of the baby. 

Jen4948

You need to get comfortable leaving your child with a babysitter ASAP. Because that's really your only option.

ernursej

It sounds like you had a plan ... good, but it feel through. That is unfortunate but you do have a bit of time. First things first - go out this weekend for a 'date' and get a babysitter that is not family. Even if it is for a few hours, do it. Then at the DW you can get a sitter and it won't be 'the first time'. I think it is a reasonable solution for the ceremony so that both you and hubby can stand up and be part of it. Without a sitter, I think one of you needs to step down and look after baby. A sitter may not be your favourite option but even if your kiddo screams the entire time, they will be looked after and it will really only be for 30 minutes or so.

I'm sorry that your plans didn't go the way you were hoping and I think the above is really your only options. It isn't fair to ask a family member to deal with your baby. They will all want to be present for the ceremony.

CMGragain

Grandma, here.  I had no family members to help me raise my two kids except DH, and he was not trustworthy with babies.   My kids had babysitters (usually teenagers from our church), and they turned out FINE!

You need to take steps to help your baby become comfortable with other people.  If you continue the holding during nap time, you will really regret it down the road.  Your child needs to learn to self soothe.  This is an important skill for your baby to develop.

flantastic

I totally get the mindset of "It's easier right now and I like it" in terms of your husband and holding the baby during nap, but as you're beginning to see, it's just not sustainable, nor is it going to be good for your child's sleep habits long term. There are situations (and they'll get more frequent) where that just doesn't work. This is one. So you need to start weaning both the baby and yourselves off that habit.

Whatever happens in two weeks will happen. Either your baby doesn't really nap that day, or they figure out how to sleep not in your arms, or they're not thrilled to be with a sitter for 30 minutes to an hour but they survive, or they're totally fine with it. No long term damage will be inflicted, it's just probably going to be a hard day.

Stepping out of wedding things to nurse is a necessity, stepping out multiple times to find a dark room to hold your child for an hour plus is inflexibility. You're right that you can't ask another family member to hold your child during the ceremony either, so either one of you has to step down or you have to find an outside sitter. Other people have given good suggestions of in-between options to bridge the gap of the rest of the day, but you're not going to be able to work the day around the habits you've created, and it really would be a good idea to help your kid learn how to sleep on their own - for their own sake as well as yours.

kaos16

Will the baby sleep in a stroller?  That could be helpful for both ceremony and pictures. . . maybe invest in a Sleep Sheep to give her some white noise.

When it comes to sleeping, I remember when my son was tiny and I used to love when he would fall asleep in my arms.. . . and I was always pretty sad to put him down in his swing or crib, but I kept doing it and he got used to it and he is a fantastic napper and sleeper now. . . . It's also helpful to have that hour to get things done. 

MissKittyDanger

CMGragain said:

Grandma, here.  I had no family members to help me raise my two kids except DH, and he was not trustworthy with babies.   My kids had babysitters (usually teenagers from our church), and they turned out FINE!

You need to take steps to help your baby become comfortable with other people.  If you continue the holding during nap time, you will really regret it down the road.  Your child needs to learn to self soothe.  This is an important skill for your baby to develop.

For reference, science is researching this as some babies cannot self soothe. They're trying to see if it's something common later on. Somewhat the repercussions of parents forcing the self-soothing.

Not starting an argument, just throwing that out there as this 'skill' is very much old school thinking and may not be good idea.

kaos16

MissKittyDanger said:

CMGragain said:

Grandma, here.  I had no family members to help me raise my two kids except DH, and he was not trustworthy with babies.   My kids had babysitters (usually teenagers from our church), and they turned out FINE!

You need to take steps to help your baby become comfortable with other people.  If you continue the holding during nap time, you will really regret it down the road.  Your child needs to learn to self soothe.  This is an important skill for your baby to develop.

For reference, science is researching this as some babies cannot self soothe. They're trying to see if it's something common later on. Somewhat the repercussions of parents forcing the self-soothing.

Not starting an argument, just throwing that out there as this 'skill' is very much old school thinking and may not be good idea.

Really?  I haven't heard that yet.  I'd be interested to see what the research is showing.  It seems like such an important skill for a child to develop.

MissKittyDanger

kaos16 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

CMGragain said:

Grandma, here.  I had no family members to help me raise my two kids except DH, and he was not trustworthy with babies.   My kids had babysitters (usually teenagers from our church), and they turned out FINE!

You need to take steps to help your baby become comfortable with other people.  If you continue the holding during nap time, you will really regret it down the road.  Your child needs to learn to self soothe.  This is an important skill for your baby to develop.

For reference, science is researching this as some babies cannot self soothe. They're trying to see if it's something common later on. Somewhat the repercussions of parents forcing the self-soothing.

Not starting an argument, just throwing that out there as this 'skill' is very much old school thinking and may not be good idea.

Really?  I haven't heard that yet.  I'd be interested to see what the research is showing.  It seems like such an important skill for a child to develop.

Found one link but it's not the one I was hoping for. I'll see if I can find another one if you'd like:
http://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/self-soothing-myths-busted/

kaos16

 

MissKittyDanger said:

kaos16 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

CMGragain said:

Grandma, here.  I had no family members to help me raise my two kids except DH, and he was not trustworthy with babies.   My kids had babysitters (usually teenagers from our church), and they turned out FINE!

You need to take steps to help your baby become comfortable with other people.  If you continue the holding during nap time, you will really regret it down the road.  Your child needs to learn to self soothe.  This is an important skill for your baby to develop.

For reference, science is researching this as some babies cannot self soothe. They're trying to see if it's something common later on. Somewhat the repercussions of parents forcing the self-soothing.

Not starting an argument, just throwing that out there as this 'skill' is very much old school thinking and may not be good idea.

Really?  I haven't heard that yet.  I'd be interested to see what the research is showing.  It seems like such an important skill for a child to develop.

Found one link but it's not the one I was hoping for. I'll see if I can find another one if you'd like:
http://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/self-soothing-myths-busted/

Interesting article, my reading of it is that it encourages sleep training/ self soothing and its associated benefits.

flantastic

kaos16 said:

 

MissKittyDanger said:

kaos16 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

CMGragain said:

Grandma, here.  I had no family members to help me raise my two kids except DH, and he was not trustworthy with babies.   My kids had babysitters (usually teenagers from our church), and they turned out FINE!

You need to take steps to help your baby become comfortable with other people.  If you continue the holding during nap time, you will really regret it down the road.  Your child needs to learn to self soothe.  This is an important skill for your baby to develop.

For reference, science is researching this as some babies cannot self soothe. They're trying to see if it's something common later on. Somewhat the repercussions of parents forcing the self-soothing.

Not starting an argument, just throwing that out there as this 'skill' is very much old school thinking and may not be good idea.

Really?  I haven't heard that yet.  I'd be interested to see what the research is showing.  It seems like such an important skill for a child to develop.

Found one link but it's not the one I was hoping for. I'll see if I can find another one if you'd like:
http://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/self-soothing-myths-busted/

Interesting article, my reading of it is that it encourages sleep training/ self soothing and its associated benefits.

Same. I also don't see how the link is related - it does seem to think that self-soothing is a coached skill. There's no mention of scientifically-identified babies who straight up can't. I'd be interested to see that other article if you find it.

I think there is a bridge between "leave the child on its own and it'll figure it out" and creating a very narrow set of parameters (darkness, being held) in which a child will be able to sleep. DD gets to sleep in her bed with her stuff for most naps, but every so often I try to change things up so that she has the ability to sleep anywhere and everywhere.

levioosa

My bff almost never puts her kid down. Never. As a result, he barely will play on his own before starting to cry and reaching up to be held. He can't nap without cosleeping and being rocked to sleep while standing. I had to watch him for a day and I was fucking exhausted. He had no self soothing skills at 8 months old. He couldn't entertain himself for five minutes. Meanwhile his cousin was just cracking herself up on the playmat with a rattle. BFF definitely is creating a monster. But then again she wanted her kids to be absolutely dependent on her (her words), so I'm not surprised. 

banana468

In some defense of this, I can tell you that my kids were just really different.   I'll say that both were in daycare at 6 or 7 weeks old so they certainly had caregivers that weren't just DH or me but their behavior at home varied.  

My son was able to go to bed in his crib by 6 or 7 mo but he was a nightmare to go back down to sleep when he'd wake for a feeding.   In the end, I often co-slept with him during that age because he would scream in the middle of the night in his crib but he'd PTFO in my bed.   When it's 2 AM, you need to work and you're exhausted you go with the short term solution.

At 9 months on Memorial Day weekend we pushed the sleep training.   I did modified Ferber,  dealt with more screaming and in a few days he was out.   He still woke up at times in the middle of the night but he nursed fast and went back down.

DS still isn't that easy to go to sleep.   Have you heard, "Go The Fuck To Sleep" in audio book form by Samuel L Jackson?  It's the truth.    Sometimes he yells for us when we think he's been down for an hour.   But he eventually does go to sleep and rarely wakes at night now.

My point: at the 6 mo mark,  while I think the OP's husband is setting himself up for bad behaviors if he isn't open to changing them, I think it's really easy for a lot of mom-shaming to go on when parenting at that age can be a lot of trial by fire.  

kaos16

banana468 said:

In some defense of this, I can tell you that my kids were just really different.   I'll say that both were in daycare at 6 or 7 weeks old so they certainly had caregivers that weren't just DH or me but their behavior at home varied.  

My son was able to go to bed in his crib by 6 or 7 mo but he was a nightmare to go back down to sleep when he'd wake for a feeding.   In the end, I often co-slept with him during that age because he would scream in the middle of the night in his crib but he'd PTFO in my bed.   When it's 2 AM, you need to work and you're exhausted you go with the short term solution.

At 9 months on Memorial Day weekend we pushed the sleep training.   I did modified Ferber,  dealt with more screaming and in a few days he was out.   He still woke up at times in the middle of the night but he nursed fast and went back down.

DS still isn't that easy to go to sleep.   Have you heard, "Go The Fuck To Sleep" in audio book form by Samuel L Jackson?  It's the truth.    Sometimes he yells for us when we think he's been down for an hour.   But he eventually does go to sleep and rarely wakes at night now.

My point: at the 6 mo mark,  while I think the OP's husband is setting himself up for bad behaviors if he isn't open to changing them, I think it's really easy for a lot of mom-shaming to go on when parenting at that age can be a lot of trial by fire.  

Agrred, no mom-shaming allowed. . . . it's tough enough trying to raise kids without everyone telling you you are doing it wrong!

I do, however, think that its wise for OP to be open to suggestions of other potential options when she is expressing how limiting their current routine is.

MissKittyDanger

banana468 said:

In some defense of this, I can tell you that my kids were just really different.   I'll say that both were in daycare at 6 or 7 weeks old so they certainly had caregivers that weren't just DH or me but their behavior at home varied.  

My son was able to go to bed in his crib by 6 or 7 mo but he was a nightmare to go back down to sleep when he'd wake for a feeding.   In the end, I often co-slept with him during that age because he would scream in the middle of the night in his crib but he'd PTFO in my bed.   When it's 2 AM, you need to work and you're exhausted you go with the short term solution.

At 9 months on Memorial Day weekend we pushed the sleep training.   I did modified Ferber,  dealt with more screaming and in a few days he was out.   He still woke up at times in the middle of the night but he nursed fast and went back down.

DS still isn't that easy to go to sleep.   Have you heard, "Go The Fuck To Sleep" in audio book form by Samuel L Jackson?  It's the truth.    Sometimes he yells for us when we think he's been down for an hour.   But he eventually does go to sleep and rarely wakes at night now.

My point: at the 6 mo mark,  while I think the OP's husband is setting himself up for bad behaviors if he isn't open to changing them, I think it's really easy for a lot of mom-shaming to go on when parenting at that age can be a lot of trial by fire.  

For reference I wasn't mom-shaming!

OT: if any mom felt I was, I do apologize. I wasn't intending that

TrixieJess

banana468 said:

In some defense of this, I can tell you that my kids were just really different.   I'll say that both were in daycare at 6 or 7 weeks old so they certainly had caregivers that weren't just DH or me but their behavior at home varied.  

My son was able to go to bed in his crib by 6 or 7 mo but he was a nightmare to go back down to sleep when he'd wake for a feeding.   In the end, I often co-slept with him during that age because he would scream in the middle of the night in his crib but he'd PTFO in my bed.   When it's 2 AM, you need to work and you're exhausted you go with the short term solution.

At 9 months on Memorial Day weekend we pushed the sleep training.   I did modified Ferber,  dealt with more screaming and in a few days he was out.   He still woke up at times in the middle of the night but he nursed fast and went back down.

DS still isn't that easy to go to sleep.   Have you heard, "Go The Fuck To Sleep" in audio book form by Samuel L Jackson?  It's the truth.    Sometimes he yells for us when we think he's been down for an hour.   But he eventually does go to sleep and rarely wakes at night now.

My point: at the 6 mo mark,  while I think the OP's husband is setting himself up for bad behaviors if he isn't open to changing them, I think it's really easy for a lot of mom-shaming to go on when parenting at that age can be a lot of trial by fire.  

My son couldn't be "sleep trained". He was a horrible sleeper until he was almost 3. Now, he sleeps almost 12 hours a night. We couldn't put our son down to sleep either for naps. I highly suggest a wrap or ring sling OP. It will save your sanity. 

filaw

Thanks for all the advice. I wasn't anticipating starting a sleep training debate on a wedding board. Oops!

We will definitely bring a carrier. Those are so essential!

I've warmed to the idea of a babysitter since my husband and I will be in the same building the whole time. It's just so hard when we can't even get someone that someone we know trusts. I've found a nanny agency that looks reliable, so that's the way we're going. 

And I didn't mean to be inflexible. I'm more than willing to step down if that's what it comes to (for awhile there we weren't even sure if we could go). I just was trying to figure out the least disruptive way to handle the tricky circumstances. 

MesmrEwe

2 weeks - yea - sleep training isn't going to happen in that short of time nor does it work with all babies, OP knows her LO and I'm sure has DONE everything she can to change this and the only thing to come out is a million methods that don't work for her LO...  I had a colicy fuss bucket in DS for the first 14 months I never slept longer than 90 minutes at a stretch and all of it was in my arms because I could not find a way to put him down and he stay asleep.  Not even the car seat was an option as he'd wake up the second that was set down and didn't fall asleep on car rides...  Funniest thing we had happen, laid him down on a warm fleece blanket, and I got 4 hours of sleep but that took a lot of coaxing to do..  Her 6mo will not need to be held when they go off to college, if this is what works for them, leave routine ALONE because the travel to a DW is going to be disruptive enough (and the perfect time to change anything THEN, NOT NOW because the routine will be shaken up, and only if the OP chooses based on what works for OP)..  

Here's what you do - roll with it!  If you have to hand off LO to Grandma/pa/aunt/uncle/Gravel Gurtie/etc. because you've got to pose for a picture or 10, do so.  At the end of the evening you'll get LO back or if they start fussing people will B-line for you.  B&G chose you to be in the WP knowing you've got LO to contend with.   If you are holding LO during the ceremony, just make sure they've got a cute outfit or two for the day!  Don't overthink this, you've got too much else to contend with like remembering the binkie and backups, diapers, burp towels, etc.

ETA: NAF of the whole anonymous person you or family hasn't met to know they're o.k. It's one thing if it's someone that comes highly recommended (i.e. Daycare staff who watches cousin's LO and will be watching their LO during the event too), it's another for you to find a random person, IDRGARA who someone says on their website they've been checked out by, just no...