What to do about an unwanted "Family" member...

no_one_you_know

My fiancee's brother's wife is someone we do not want at our wedding. She has done so much damage to the family and caused so much hurt. His brother stays with her because they have 3 children together and she has basically brainwashed him. No one in the family likes her. Most just pretend to her face. My fiancee and I, however, do not speak to her and don't even acknowledge her existence. I don't hate people, but I can truly say that I hate her with every ounce of my being. She is an evil human being and is manipulative and psycho. You all wouldn't believe some of the things she's done...

We really want his brother there. However, I keep telling my fiancee that I just don't think his brother will come without her. He had a conversation with him, but his brother just didn't seem to understand why we can't just forget the "past," even though it is still happening all the time! If she came to the wedding, I wouldn't put it past her to do something to ruin the day. She has just about ruined every family holiday she has come to. She always has to be the center of attention, but it's always negative attention! The kids aren't an issue because we are choosing to make our wedding "kid-free".

My fiancee is waiting to see what happens since we have a lot of time before the wedding. He is hoping his brother will come around and agree to come without her but I don't see anything changing and I feel like we will end up at an impasse. I don't even want to put her name on an invitation. 

What would you all do in this sort of situation? I'm at a loss. 

banana468

knottie4bd031f0c51719ef said:

My fiancee's brother's wife is someone we do not want at our wedding. She has done so much damage to the family and caused so much hurt. His brother stays with her because they have 3 children together and she has basically brainwashed him. No one in the family likes her. Most just pretend to her face. My fiancee and I, however, do not speak to her and don't even acknowledge her existence. I don't hate people, but I can truly say that I hate her with every ounce of my being. She is an evil human being and is manipulative and psycho. You all wouldn't believe some of the things she's done...

We really want his brother there. However, I keep telling my fiancee that I just don't think his brother will come without her. He had a conversation with him, but his brother just didn't seem to understand why we can't just forget the "past," even though it is still happening all the time! If she came to the wedding, I wouldn't put it past her to do something to ruin the day. She has just about ruined every family holiday she has come to. She always has to be the center of attention, but it's always negative attention! The kids aren't an issue because we are choosing to make our wedding "kid-free".

My fiancee is waiting to see what happens since we have a lot of time before the wedding. He is hoping his brother will come around and agree to come without her but I don't see anything changing and I feel like we will end up at an impasse. I don't even want to put her name on an invitation. 

What would you all do in this sort of situation? I'm at a loss. 

I wouldn't invite either of them.  Quite frankly I think that makes life easier on the brother.

The brother seems to be clear.   He wants you to move past things.   He's made his choice to be with HER.   I don't think it's reasonable to ask him to put his wife aside for your wedding.   And frankly, I don't think it's reasonable for you to expect him to.  If he DID attend without her, can you imagine how horrible his life would be if he turned to his wife and said that he was attending without her?  If she's known for causing scenes at events then I think if you did that, you'd be putting the brother in between a rock and a hard place. 

If she's a horrible person you can hope that he has a change of heart but they're a social unit.   Your choice is to invite the two of them or not invite either.    

I'm sympathetic, believe me.   But the answer is really that they both need to be invited or neither of them need to be invited.   

mrsconn23

Banana is right.  They are a unit and it's an 'all or nothing' proposition to invite them.  

If your fiance wants his brother there, I think you're going to have to suck it up.  Also, how would the rest of your fiance's family feel if you guys caused a huge family issue over this?  Would his parents REALLY be OK with you guys not inviting his brother?  You say they 'pretend to her face'.  So why would that change for *this* family event?  Even IF your fiance says it is 'his' decision, it may come down harder on you.  Is that how you want to start off married life?  With a big rift between you/your fiance and other family members?  

holyguacamole79

Echoing the above ... as much as you dislike her, she is still your FBIL's wife and they are a social unit.  At this point, you & your fiance need to decide which is more important - having his brother there or not having his wife there.

I also sympathize (I promise).  Shortly before our wedding, my brother and I got into a major fight.  It was so bad that my (now) husband & I left my parents' house (where we all were when it happened) and drove 3.5 hours home in the middle of the night to get away.  This was on Christmas, so my family literally had to pack up the gifts they were giving us and we opened them at home on our own.  He ruined our family's Christmas for that yera

My brother's wife was one of my bridesmaids & his step-daughter was a flower girl.  I wished that they would come without him.  He didn't make a scene and politely stood in pictures.  I think we said 3 words to each other the whole day.

Thankfully, they all came and there was no drama.  I can't guarantee that FBIL's wife will be drama free, though.  My experience is that people often work things up in their heads and anticipate the worst.  While it's fair (and wise) to be realistic about the relationship, be careful not to let it consume you & cause anxiety about the unknown.

I advise you & your FI to put this aside for now and not ask the brother to leave his wife at home.  This will breed resent in his family; little good can come from it.  

Also, if your FI has other siblings with a spouse, you'll need to treat this woman with the same respect as you treat any other sister-in-law.  For example, my husband has 2 brothers and they're both married.  It would be inappropriate to take a family photo with one of his sisters-in-law and leave the other one out.  

I hope this all works out and that she proves to be a non-issue.

levioosa

Ditto PPs. 

southernbelle0915

Both of them or neither.

Unless she is violent and poses a safety risk to other guests, it's not ok to leave her out. 

MyNameIsNot

This is an all or nothing deal. Either you invite them both, or leave them both off the guest list. It is incredibly unfair to put your FBIL in the position of asking him to come without his wife. 

I hate my sister's husband. He's an awful, racist person, and he treats my sister like shit. But I'm an adult, and I wanted my sister at my wedding, so I invited him. I said all of two words to him that day and otherwise ignored him. Putting up with family members and spouses you don't like is just part of being an adult. Be polite and focus on your other guests. 

MobKaz

lyndausvi

What would I do?

Unless there was physical abuse towards you I would suck it up and invite her.   No good will come excluding her.

And put yourself in your FBIL's position.  How would you feel if your husband was excluded from a family wedding?    Or you excluded from one of your husband's family's event?        

And think about it, what kind of spouse allows their spouse to be excluded from such events?   A married couple should stick by each other.  I would hope your own future husband would have your back.  They are a unit and should be treated as such.  My husband would not be my husband if he allowed his family disrespect me.  Period.   

They are married.  He continues to be married to her.   You need to respect that they choose to be a married couple.    Sometimes you need to just suck it up.

The good news most couples do not have time for other people.  Even immediate family.     Be cordial and move on.

ernursej

Ditto PPs. If you really think that she is going to cause a scene, have security prepped and they can escort her out. It will be her bad behaviour not yours. Extend the olive branch and you don't have to say more than "thank you for coming, please enjoy the reception".

holyguacamole79

"And put yourself in your FBIL's position.  How would you feel if your husband was excluded from a family wedding?    Or you excluded from one of your husband's family's event?"  -       @lyndausvi

no_one_you_know

I already told him that they can both come and that if she made a peep, I'd have her kicked out on her ass. My fiancée is the one who is adamant about her not being there. I hate her guts but I know his brother won't come without her and I know it's important to us that he be there. No other siblings, btw...

missJeanLouise

@no_one_you_know how far away is your wedding? I think you are worrying about a non issue. If you want the brother, invite her. Tell security to keep an eye out and call it a day. You can't control her actions but you can control yours, be the bigger person and invite her.

banana468

no_one_you_know said:

I already told him that they can both come and that if she made a peep, I'd have her kicked out on her ass. My fiancée is the one who is adamant about her not being there. I hate her guts but I know his brother won't come without her and I know it's important to us that he be there. No other siblings, btw...

Does your husband understand that they are a package deal?

climbingsingle

I feel for your situation, truly. My husband's brother is married to a vile woman who has shit-talked me and my husband, even on social media, for no reason. What she's done to our family is disgusting. So, trust me, I get it. But I agree with the above that you either need to invite both of them, or neither of them. The brother has made his choice. I'd be leaning towards not inviting either of them. 

banana468

climbingwife said:

I feel for your situation, truly. My husband's brother is married to a vile woman who has shit-talked me and my husband, even on social media, for no reason. What she's done to our family is disgusting. So, trust me, I get it. But I agree with the above that you either need to invite both of them, or neither of them. The brother has made his choice. I'd be leaning towards not inviting either of them. 

That's sort of where I am.

It would really depend on exactly what has happened in the family that would ultimately make my decision.   Was the FSIL just not nice?   Did she actually make threats that I needed to take seriously?  Was harm threatened to someone in my home or myself?  

Quite frankly, if any of those things were done and her behavior needs to be taken seriously, neither would be invited.    The brother already opted to take the side of his spouse.   I'd take the side of defending myself from those who threaten me and from those who defend those who threaten me. 

ahoywedding

banana468 said:

climbingwife said:

I feel for your situation, truly. My husband's brother is married to a vile woman who has shit-talked me and my husband, even on social media, for no reason. What she's done to our family is disgusting. So, trust me, I get it. But I agree with the above that you either need to invite both of them, or neither of them. The brother has made his choice. I'd be leaning towards not inviting either of them. 

That's sort of where I am.

It would really depend on exactly what has happened in the family that would ultimately make my decision.   Was the FSIL just not nice?   Did she actually make threats that I needed to take seriously?  Was harm threatened to someone in my home or myself?  

Quite frankly, if any of those things were done and her behavior needs to be taken seriously, neither would be invited.    The brother already opted to take the side of his spouse.   I'd take the side of defending myself from those who threaten me and from those who defend those who threaten me. 

Yep, this. If she's just unpleasant, suck it up & invite them both. You'll have plenty of excuses to not spend a bunch of time with her on that day anyway. Notify your venue security just in case the crap hits the fan.

If she's violent, abusive, or has otherwise threatened harm to you or your family, don't invite either of them. If your FI's parents ask, you can let them know you don't feel safe. (How DO your FI's parents feel about her?). His brother has made his choice, and he's choosing her over his brother.

no_one_you_know

Not just unpleasant... if it were just that I'd be fine with it. She's very abuse towards his brother. Over the 9 years or so that they have been together, she has swung a knife at him, tried to run them off the road, and beat the crap out of him on many occasions. She has put their children in danger. She is not only physically abusive, but also mentally abusive to him as well as their parents. She is manipulative and has quite a few mental issues. But she's also smart... not a good combo... their parents have dealt with her for so long, they are jaded to it basically. They made the mistake of enabling it in the beginning and now it's too late. Plus, they are the kind of people that u could punch in the face and they would apologize to u and say it was their fault. They also don't want to lose their grandchildren so they deal with her.

Its obviously complicated... he loves his brother and wants him there on this important day so I don't think he has gotten to the point in his head where he would be ok with him not being there...

lyndausvi

It's  fair to have the thought that not inviting the abuser is sending a message to the victim.

However, that message is more often used by the abuser as proof  on how the family hates them, doesnt supoort them, etc.    Most times it further separates the vitcim from family even more.  Which is what the abuser wants.  Its how they keep control.

So i completely understand why you think the way yoi do.  Sadly, i think it will have the opppsite outcome than you hope.  

 There are kids involved, i dont blame the parents for wanting to stick close so hopefully when BIL does wake up to the fact he is being abused he has someone to turn to.

Good luck.

southernbelle0915

lyndausvi said:

It's  fair to have the thought that not inviting the abuser is sending a message to the victim.

However, that message is more often used by the abuser as proof  on how the family hates them, doesnt supoort them, etc.    Most times it further separates the vitcim from family even more.  Which is what the abuser wants.  Its how they keep control.

So i completely understand why you think the way yoi do.  Sadly, i think it will have the opppsite outcome than you hope.  

There are kids involved, i dont blame the parents for wanting to stick close so hopefully when BIL does wake up to the fact he is being abused he has someone to turn to.

Good luck.

All of this, but especially the bolded. 

knottieaf817b8d46e548d0

I am almost going through the same thing with my future bother in law's little girlfriend.
They have been dating a couple of years and he has 2 kids with a previous girlfriend that this new girl plays "mommy" to. (she wasn't even around 4 months and had the kids start calling here mommy already!) *insert eye roll*

Any who, at first I kind of came to terms with the fact that she would just have to be there. I don't like talking to this girl & have distanced myself as much as I possibly can, I am not mean & I do not talk crap to her, I just only seeing her at family functions and do not speak a word to her, so trust me she knows very well that I do not like her. I had spoken to my BIL & told him the only reason she is invited is because if she wasn't then I knew he would not go without her; he confirmed, he would not go unless she was invited...fast forward a couple months and she finds out I presented his daughter with a flower girl box asking her to be our flower girl. I get a text message from HER on HIS phone saying that "due to the way I have been towards her these past months, she is not comfortable with HER daughter being in our wedding." Saying that I was enraged would be an understatement on how livid I was at that moment. It was then that I put my foot down and said NOPE, she is officially NOT invited to our wedding. I have spoken to my fiance about it & he agrees, he cannot stand her either, as the rest of the family. 

So I would say, do what you want. It is YOUR wedding, nobody else can make this decision. Our logic was, why would we want someone we do not like there on the most important day of our lives, she does not like us either & would only be going to show her face. Why be forced to pay for someone that you do not want to be there?! oh wait..you don't have to..

I get why some are saying to invite her, but at the end of the day it is not about her or him for that matter & if he is going to let her stop him from being at his own brother's wedding, then that just shows the kind of person he is. 

Sorry this is so long, I can just relate to how you feel on so many different levels! 

Good Luck!

banana468

Knottie71013544 said:

I am almost going through the same thing with my future bother in law's little girlfriend.
They have been dating a couple of years and he has 2 kids with a previous girlfriend that this new girl plays "mommy" to. (she wasn't even around 4 months and had the kids start calling here mommy already!) *insert eye roll*

Any who, at first I kind of came to terms with the fact that she would just have to be there. I don't like talking to this girl & have distanced myself as much as I possibly can, I am not mean & I do not talk crap to her, I just only seeing her at family functions and do not speak a word to her, so trust me she knows very well that I do not like her. I had spoken to my BIL & told him the only reason she is invited is because if she wasn't then I knew he would not go without her; he confirmed, he would not go unless she was invited...fast forward a couple months and she finds out I presented his daughter with a flower girl box asking her to be our flower girl. I get a text message from HER on HIS phone saying that "due to the way I have been towards her these past months, she is not comfortable with HER daughter being in our wedding." Saying that I was enraged would be an understatement on how livid I was at that moment. It was then that I put my foot down and said NOPE, she is officially NOT invited to our wedding. I have spoken to my fiance about it & he agrees, he cannot stand her either, as the rest of the family. 

So I would say, do what you want. It is YOUR wedding, nobody else can make this decision. Our logic was, why would we want someone we do not like there on the most important day of our lives, she does not like us either & would only be going to show her face. Why be forced to pay for someone that you do not want to be there?! oh wait..you don't have to..

I get why some are saying to invite her, but at the end of the day it is not about her or him for that matter & if he is going to let her stop him from being at his own brother's wedding, then that just shows the kind of person he is. 

Sorry this is so long, I can just relate to how you feel on so many different levels! 

Good Luck!

I think all of this is well....terrible advice. 

mrsconn23

banana468 said:

Knottie71013544 said:

I am almost going through the same thing with my future bother in law's little girlfriend.
They have been dating a couple of years and he has 2 kids with a previous girlfriend that this new girl plays "mommy" to. (she wasn't even around 4 months and had the kids start calling here mommy already!) *insert eye roll*

Any who, at first I kind of came to terms with the fact that she would just have to be there. I don't like talking to this girl & have distanced myself as much as I possibly can, I am not mean & I do not talk crap to her, I just only seeing her at family functions and do not speak a word to her, so trust me she knows very well that I do not like her. I had spoken to my BIL & told him the only reason she is invited is because if she wasn't then I knew he would not go without her; he confirmed, he would not go unless she was invited...fast forward a couple months and she finds out I presented his daughter with a flower girl box asking her to be our flower girl. I get a text message from HER on HIS phone saying that "due to the way I have been towards her these past months, she is not comfortable with HER daughter being in our wedding." Saying that I was enraged would be an understatement on how livid I was at that moment. It was then that I put my foot down and said NOPE, she is officially NOT invited to our wedding. I have spoken to my fiance about it & he agrees, he cannot stand her either, as the rest of the family. 

So I would say, do what you want. It is YOUR wedding, nobody else can make this decision. Our logic was, why would we want someone we do not like there on the most important day of our lives, she does not like us either & would only be going to show her face. Why be forced to pay for someone that you do not want to be there?! oh wait..you don't have to..

I get why some are saying to invite her, but at the end of the day it is not about her or him for that matter & if he is going to let her stop him from being at his own brother's wedding, then that just shows the kind of person he is. 

Sorry this is so long, I can just relate to how you feel on so many different levels! 

Good Luck!

I think all of this is well....terrible advice. 

Yep. 

First, all you need to get married is a marriage license and someone to legally marry you.  The rest of what makes up a 'wedding' is a party.  So yes it's a person's wedding, but they are hosting a party and inviting guests.  

Secondly, while I loved my wedding day...it's far from the most important day of my life.  There is no 'most important day' of anyone's life.  There's significant life events, marriage, birthing children, death, divorce, etc...but a wedding being the 'most important day' of your life is a marketing tool or you know, fake news. 

lyndausvi

Im not a fan of my SIL.  But i do not ignore her.  Nope, I'm not giving her the power to being able to use that against me.   

It's been 20 years now.  On the rare occasion I see her, I speak to her.  Small talk.    


Don't get me wrong.  There is a lot of eye rolling.  My sister and I have many side-bar conversations begind her back.   But we play nice for our brother, his kids and my parents.

Outside of abuse i think most adults should be able to be mature enough to be cordial to someone they do not like for the sake of another.  Especially when there is a lifetime of family events to attend. 

Most of have had to master it at work at some point.  Not hard to play the game at home.

holyguacamole79

Knottie71013544 said:

I am almost going through the same thing with my future bother in law's little girlfriend.
They have been dating a couple of years and he has 2 kids with a previous girlfriend that this new girl plays "mommy" to. (she wasn't even around 4 months and had the kids start calling here mommy already!) *insert eye roll*

Any who, at first I kind of came to terms with the fact that she would just have to be there. I don't like talking to this girl & have distanced myself as much as I possibly can, I am not mean & I do not talk crap to her, I just only seeing her at family functions and do not speak a word to her, so trust me she knows very well that I do not like her. I had spoken to my BIL & told him the only reason she is invited is because if she wasn't then I knew he would not go without her; he confirmed, he would not go unless she was invited...fast forward a couple months and she finds out I presented his daughter with a flower girl box asking her to be our flower girl. I get a text message from HER on HIS phone saying that "due to the way I have been towards her these past months, she is not comfortable with HER daughter being in our wedding." Saying that I was enraged would be an understatement on how livid I was at that moment. It was then that I put my foot down and said NOPE, she is officially NOT invited to our wedding. I have spoken to my fiance about it & he agrees, he cannot stand her either, as the rest of the family. 

So I would say, do what you want. It is YOUR wedding, nobody else can make this decision. Our logic was, why would we want someone we do not like there on the most important day of our lives, she does not like us either & would only be going to show her face. Why be forced to pay for someone that you do not want to be there?! oh wait..you don't have to..

I get why some are saying to invite her, but at the end of the day it is not about her or him for that matter & if he is going to let her stop him from being at his own brother's wedding, then that just shows the kind of person he is. 

Sorry this is so long, I can just relate to how you feel on so many different levels! 

Good Luck!

climbingsingle

Knottie71013544 said:

I am almost going through the same thing with my future bother in law's little girlfriend.
They have been dating a couple of years and he has 2 kids with a previous girlfriend that this new girl plays "mommy" to. (she wasn't even around 4 months and had the kids start calling here mommy already!) *insert eye roll*

Any who, at first I kind of came to terms with the fact that she would just have to be there. I don't like talking to this girl & have distanced myself as much as I possibly can, I am not mean & I do not talk crap to her, I just only seeing her at family functions and do not speak a word to her, so trust me she knows very well that I do not like her. I had spoken to my BIL & told him the only reason she is invited is because if she wasn't then I knew he would not go without her; he confirmed, he would not go unless she was invited...fast forward a couple months and she finds out I presented his daughter with a flower girl box asking her to be our flower girl. I get a text message from HER on HIS phone saying that "due to the way I have been towards her these past months, she is not comfortable with HER daughter being in our wedding." Saying that I was enraged would be an understatement on how livid I was at that moment. It was then that I put my foot down and said NOPE, she is officially NOT invited to our wedding. I have spoken to my fiance about it & he agrees, he cannot stand her either, as the rest of the family. 

So I would say, do what you want. It is YOUR wedding, nobody else can make this decision. Our logic was, why would we want someone we do not like there on the most important day of our lives, she does not like us either & would only be going to show her face. Why be forced to pay for someone that you do not want to be there?! oh wait..you don't have to..

I get why some are saying to invite her, but at the end of the day it is not about her or him for that matter & if he is going to let her stop him from being at his own brother's wedding, then that just shows the kind of person he is. 

Sorry this is so long, I can just relate to how you feel on so many different levels! 

Good Luck!

This is terrible advice. Please stop. It sounds like you actually have no legitimate reason to not like this woman. You've made it known that you don't like her? Are you in high school? Grow up. 

southernbelle0915

Knottie71013544 said:

I am almost going through the same thing with my future bother in law's little girlfriend.
They have been dating a couple of years and he has 2 kids with a previous girlfriend that this new girl plays "mommy" to. (she wasn't even around 4 months and had the kids start calling here mommy already!) *insert eye roll*

Any who, at first I kind of came to terms with the fact that she would just have to be there. I don't like talking to this girl & have distanced myself as much as I possibly can, I am not mean & I do not talk crap to her, I just only seeing her at family functions and do not speak a word to her, so trust me she knows very well that I do not like her. I had spoken to my BIL & told him the only reason she is invited is because if she wasn't then I knew he would not go without her; he confirmed, he would not go unless she was invited...fast forward a couple months and she finds out I presented his daughter with a flower girl box asking her to be our flower girl. I get a text message from HER on HIS phone saying that "due to the way I have been towards her these past months, she is not comfortable with HER daughter being in our wedding." Saying that I was enraged would be an understatement on how livid I was at that moment. It was then that I put my foot down and said NOPE, she is officially NOT invited to our wedding. I have spoken to my fiance about it & he agrees, he cannot stand her either, as the rest of the family. 

So I would say, do what you want. It is YOUR wedding, nobody else can make this decision. Our logic was, why would we want someone we do not like there on the most important day of our lives, she does not like us either & would only be going to show her face. Why be forced to pay for someone that you do not want to be there?! oh wait..you don't have to..

I get why some are saying to invite her, but at the end of the day it is not about her or him for that matter & if he is going to let her stop him from being at his own brother's wedding, then that just shows the kind of person he is. 

Sorry this is so long, I can just relate to how you feel on so many different levels! 

Good Luck!

So BIL and his gf have been together for 2 years and his kids see her as a mother figure... I fail to see how that is a problem. Actually it seems pretty fucking ideal, on the spectrum of blended family situations/drama. 

And then you ask the child - WITHOUT her parents' permission - if she wants to be a flower girl. That's basically from the book of What Not To Do. When asking minor children to be in the wedding, you always clear it with their parents first. Always. And anyone can refuse to be in a wedding (or for their minor children to be in a wedding) for any reason. You aren't a queen appointing wedding party roles to people. You're ASKING. And the answer can be "yes" or "no". 

You got "no". And instead of acting like an adult, you threw a pretty princess tantrum and said "well if I can't have it my way then I'm going to punish you..SO THERE!" Real mature.

I bet this girl is SO glad you avoid her. What a relief. You sound like a peach. 

LondonLisa

Knottie71013544 said:

I am almost going through the same thing with my future bother in law's little girlfriend.
They have been dating a couple of years and he has 2 kids with a previous girlfriend that this new girl plays "mommy" to. (she wasn't even around 4 months and had the kids start calling here mommy already!) *insert eye roll* Not your business- you don't know what goes on in their house. How could you possibly seem aggrieved here?!

Any who, at first I kind of came to terms with the fact that she would just have to be there. I don't like talking to this girl (again you have given no reason why) & have distanced myself as much as I possibly can, I am not mean & I do not talk crap to her, I just only seeing her at family functions and do not speak a word to her, so trust me she knows very well that I do not like her (blanking someone can be just as aggressive/ incendiary as fighting with someone, especially as you haven't really given a reason why she is such a beast to you- again, what has she done to YOU? You don't have to be  best friends, but you do have to be polite- would it have killed you to say 'hello, Susan.' and then moved on. ). I had spoken to my BIL & told him the only reason she is invited is because if she wasn't then I knew he would not go without her; he confirmed, he would not go unless she was invited (what a bitchy thing to say to someone. I thought you didnt 'talk crap')...fast forward a couple months and she finds out I presented his daughter with a flower girl box asking her to be our flower girl. I get a text message from HER on HIS phone saying that "due to the way I have been towards her these past months, she is not comfortable with HER daughter being in our wedding." Saying that I was enraged would be an understatement on how livid I was at that moment. It was then that I put my foot down and said NOPE, she is officially NOT invited to our wedding. (Way to throw your toys out of the pram like a 2 year old- 'you're not invited to my birthday party!') I have spoken to my fiance about it & he agrees, he cannot stand her either, as the rest of the family. Why on earth did you unilaterally make the decision to not have his brother there?! He made it clear he would not come without her. If I was your fiance, I would be livid. Why is your fiance not talking to his brother about the flower girl situation? Why are you inserting yourself in his family issues? STOP INVOLVING YOURSELF IN THE DRAMA!

So I would say, do what you want. It is YOUR wedding (uhhhhhhh...... and your Fiance's wedding, too- so its absolutely acceptable to want your sibling there!) , nobody else can make this decision. Our logic was, why would we want someone we do not like there on the most important day of our lives, she does not like us either & would only be going to show her face. Why be forced to pay for someone that you do not want to be there?! oh wait..you don't have to.. Because it is a person that someone you love, loves. Its unbelievably shitty to say 'come celebrate my love whilst I don't respect your ability to chose who you love'. Do all my friends have partners that I like-absolutely not! But rather, I respect them enough to make that choice on their own. And I love them enough to overlook the insanity. And if you don't love and respect this person enough to overlook the insanity, then they should not be invited.

I get why some are saying to invite her, but at the end of the day it is not about her or him for that matter & if he is going to let her stop him from being at his own brother's wedding, then that just shows the kind of person he is. And your immature, unkind and downright bratty behaviour shows that you are just as bad as here. Jesus, you all deserve each other. Wait until your fi starts going to weddings without you because you are not invited due to perceived sleights. See how you react in that situation when your fi chooses the party over your feelings. 

Sorry this is so long, I can just relate to how you feel on so many different levels! 

Good Luck!

Answer you in bolded. All I can ask is how on earth you have children, because you all sound 14. 

OP, another vote for invite and ignore as you think this might be an abusive relationship. Have security. If she starts to make a scene, have security escort them out. She can only ruin the wedding if you let them. Even if she strips naked and swan dives into the cake, have her escorted out, and then laugh about it and start the party. She will only embarrass herself.  Laugh off any of her insanity. Cry about it later with your husband privately, but guests take cues from the couple. If they are having a wonderful time, I will too. Don't let anything phase you.

And secretly, the best 'revenge' to drama llamas is to be cordial and ignore /refuse to acknowledge ridiculous behaviour. Look up the 'grey rock' technique for manipulative people. 

kimmiinthemitten

Knottie71013544 said:

I am almost going through the same thing with my future bother in law's little girlfriend.
They have been dating a couple of years and he has 2 kids with a previous girlfriend that this new girl plays "mommy" to. (she wasn't even around 4 months and had the kids start calling here mommy already!) *insert eye roll*

Any who, at first I kind of came to terms with the fact that she would just have to be there. I don't like talking to this girl & have distanced myself as much as I possibly can, I am not mean & I do not talk crap to her, I just only seeing her at family functions and do not speak a word to her, so trust me she knows very well that I do not like her. I had spoken to my BIL & told him the only reason she is invited is because if she wasn't then I knew he would not go without her; he confirmed, he would not go unless she was invited...fast forward a couple months and she finds out I presented his daughter with a flower girl box asking her to be our flower girl. I get a text message from HER on HIS phone saying that "due to the way I have been towards her these past months, she is not comfortable with HER daughter being in our wedding." Saying that I was enraged would be an understatement on how livid I was at that moment. It was then that I put my foot down and said NOPE, she is officially NOT invited to our wedding. I have spoken to my fiance about it & he agrees, he cannot stand her either, as the rest of the family. 

So I would say, do what you want. It is YOUR wedding, nobody else can make this decision. Our logic was, why would we want someone we do not like there on the most important day of our lives, she does not like us either & would only be going to show her face. Why be forced to pay for someone that you do not want to be there?! oh wait..you don't have to..

I get why some are saying to invite her, but at the end of the day it is not about her or him for that matter & if he is going to let her stop him from being at his own brother's wedding, then that just shows the kind of person he is. 

Sorry this is so long, I can just relate to how you feel on so many different levels! 

Good Luck!

So your brothers girlfriend sent you a nastygram via text about your relationship with your brothers daughter and your knee-jerk reaction was to uninvite her from the wedding as opposed to talking to your brother to find out if he shares the same feelings?

LondonLisa

kimmiinthemitten said:

Knottie71013544 said:

I am almost going through the same thing with my future bother in law's little girlfriend.
They have been dating a couple of years and he has 2 kids with a previous girlfriend that this new girl plays "mommy" to. (she wasn't even around 4 months and had the kids start calling here mommy already!) *insert eye roll*

Any who, at first I kind of came to terms with the fact that she would just have to be there. I don't like talking to this girl & have distanced myself as much as I possibly can, I am not mean & I do not talk crap to her, I just only seeing her at family functions and do not speak a word to her, so trust me she knows very well that I do not like her. I had spoken to my BIL & told him the only reason she is invited is because if she wasn't then I knew he would not go without her; he confirmed, he would not go unless she was invited...fast forward a couple months and she finds out I presented his daughter with a flower girl box asking her to be our flower girl. I get a text message from HER on HIS phone saying that "due to the way I have been towards her these past months, she is not comfortable with HER daughter being in our wedding." Saying that I was enraged would be an understatement on how livid I was at that moment. It was then that I put my foot down and said NOPE, she is officially NOT invited to our wedding. I have spoken to my fiance about it & he agrees, he cannot stand her either, as the rest of the family. 

So I would say, do what you want. It is YOUR wedding, nobody else can make this decision. Our logic was, why would we want someone we do not like there on the most important day of our lives, she does not like us either & would only be going to show her face. Why be forced to pay for someone that you do not want to be there?! oh wait..you don't have to..

I get why some are saying to invite her, but at the end of the day it is not about her or him for that matter & if he is going to let her stop him from being at his own brother's wedding, then that just shows the kind of person he is. 

Sorry this is so long, I can just relate to how you feel on so many different levels! 

Good Luck!

So your brothers girlfriend sent you a nastygram via text about your relationship with your brothers daughter and your knee-jerk reaction was to uninvite her from the wedding as opposed to talking to your brother to find out if he shares the same feelings?

@kimmiinthemitten its not even HER brother, it is her fiance's brother! Why is it always the people who claim that they 'hate drama and don't talk crap' that always manage to insert themselves in everyone else's problems?

mrsconn23

LondonLisa said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

Knottie71013544 said:

I am almost going through the same thing with my future bother in law's little girlfriend.
They have been dating a couple of years and he has 2 kids with a previous girlfriend that this new girl plays "mommy" to. (she wasn't even around 4 months and had the kids start calling here mommy already!) *insert eye roll*

Any who, at first I kind of came to terms with the fact that she would just have to be there. I don't like talking to this girl & have distanced myself as much as I possibly can, I am not mean & I do not talk crap to her, I just only seeing her at family functions and do not speak a word to her, so trust me she knows very well that I do not like her. I had spoken to my BIL & told him the only reason she is invited is because if she wasn't then I knew he would not go without her; he confirmed, he would not go unless she was invited...fast forward a couple months and she finds out I presented his daughter with a flower girl box asking her to be our flower girl. I get a text message from HER on HIS phone saying that "due to the way I have been towards her these past months, she is not comfortable with HER daughter being in our wedding." Saying that I was enraged would be an understatement on how livid I was at that moment. It was then that I put my foot down and said NOPE, she is officially NOT invited to our wedding. I have spoken to my fiance about it & he agrees, he cannot stand her either, as the rest of the family. 

So I would say, do what you want. It is YOUR wedding, nobody else can make this decision. Our logic was, why would we want someone we do not like there on the most important day of our lives, she does not like us either & would only be going to show her face. Why be forced to pay for someone that you do not want to be there?! oh wait..you don't have to..

I get why some are saying to invite her, but at the end of the day it is not about her or him for that matter & if he is going to let her stop him from being at his own brother's wedding, then that just shows the kind of person he is. 

Sorry this is so long, I can just relate to how you feel on so many different levels! 

Good Luck!

So your brothers girlfriend sent you a nastygram via text about your relationship with your brothers daughter and your knee-jerk reaction was to uninvite her from the wedding as opposed to talking to your brother to find out if he shares the same feelings?

@kimmiinthemitten its not even HER brother, it is her fiance's brother! Why is it always the people who claim that they 'hate drama and don't talk crap' that always manage to insert themselves in everyone else's problems?

Right?  Adulting means talk shit to your partner or BFF about said person that annoys you and move the fuck on.  This insistence on 'calling out' people has nothing to do with the person you're mad at and is all about, "LOOK AT ME!" 

Furthermore, and we say this all the time, a wedding is not the time to fix relationships, have people prove their worth to you to get an invite, or anything else.  It is just a day where you marry the person you love and throw a fucking party.  Trying to use a wedding as a relationship yardstick or line in the sand only exacerbates any problems you do have.  Plusalso, the drama that everyone gets het up about possibly occurring during their wedding almost *never* happens.  For the most part, I said "hello" and "thank you for coming" to 90% of my guests.  Of course I talked to the bridal party and my parents a lot more, but the rest of the day was so busy.  The best time I had with any of my guests was dancing on the dance floor and we didn't talk much, just had a really good time getting down.