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Saying she's your girlfriend =/= you must answer personal questions.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I am the oldest of several cousins, most of whom are toddler-to-elementary-school age. (I’m in college.) My girlfriend and I have been together for two years, and she often makes appearances at large family events with me. My immediate family loves my girlfriend, and she gets along pretty well with my aunts, uncles, and grandparents too. But just about every time the family plus other family friends, who also have small children, get together, some of the littlest ones start asking me “why [my] friend is here,” and who she is. I have been out and proud for many years, and I would never try to pass my girlfriend off as just “a friend”—however, I’m really afraid I’ll invoke the ire of aunts, uncles, and family friends if their young kids start demanding to know how two girls can be girlfriends. And honestly, it doesn’t feel like my responsibility to teach my cousins that gay people exist or to subject myself and my girlfriend to questions like “But do you kiss her?” that grown-ups think too but know better than to ask—especially when I’m trying to enjoy Thanksgiving. What do I do?

–Gay Cousin

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Re: Saying she's your girlfriend =/= you must answer personal questions.

  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Bean dip the kids and consult the parents on how they want you to handle the situation in the future.
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    missJeanLouise said:
    Bean dip the kids and consult the parents on how they want you to handle the situation in the future.
    this.
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    mrsconn23 said:
    missJeanLouise said:
    Bean dip the kids and consult the parents on how they want you to handle the situation in the future.
    You know, I'm not even sure I'd say to consult the parents because this would never be a question for straight people.  IF the parents were to say something to LW, that's a different issue.  But IMO, normalizing that "This is my girlfriend and I love her.  Have you seen the new Cars movie?" goes a long way towards teaching the kids not to 'other' people. 
    I would mention it because you never know people's reactions. Maybe this will bring up questions they're not ready to answer? It's not even about the kids' reaction, it's the parents entirely.

    To bolded, this could be a question for straight people. "Who's this person you're with?" has been a question I've heard. Kids want to know regardless.
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  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    mrsconn23 said:
    missJeanLouise said:
    Bean dip the kids and consult the parents on how they want you to handle the situation in the future.
    You know, I'm not even sure I'd say to consult the parents because this would never be a question for straight people.  IF the parents were to say something to LW, that's a different issue.  But IMO, normalizing that "This is my girlfriend and I love her.  Have you seen the new Cars movie?" goes a long way towards teaching the kids not to 'other' people. 
    You are right. tbh, it probably depends on the family. If it were my extended family I would have no problem doing what you are saying but DH's family I would ask.
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    missJeanLouise said:
    Bean dip the kids and consult the parents on how they want you to handle the situation in the future.
    You know, I'm not even sure I'd say to consult the parents because this would never be a question for straight people.  IF the parents were to say something to LW, that's a different issue.  But IMO, normalizing that "This is my girlfriend and I love her.  Have you seen the new Cars movie?" goes a long way towards teaching the kids not to 'other' people. 
    I would mention it because you never know people's reactions. Maybe this will bring up questions they're not ready to answer? It's not even about the kids' reaction, it's the parents entirely.

    To bolded, this could be a question for straight people. "Who's this person you're with?" has been a question I've heard. Kids want to know regardless.
    The parent's 'issues' with or reactions to LW's relationship are their own.  It is not for LW or her GF to shoulder, explain, or apologize. 

    Also, I don't know any straight person who's brought a boyfriend or girlfriend around that has worried about explaining it to 'the children'.  
    For sure, I don't think they should have to explain or apologize for anything. Not everyone is understanding .... I personally haven't encountered that, but it could happen.

    I've seen it with straight couples. The 'couple' hasn't defined the relationship or they're fwb, or it's just a stupidly 'complicated' situation. So it's "uh what do we say? Relationship? Friends? FWB?"
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    MissKittyDanger said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    missJeanLouise said:
    Bean dip the kids and consult the parents on how they want you to handle the situation in the future.
    You know, I'm not even sure I'd say to consult the parents because this would never be a question for straight people.  IF the parents were to say something to LW, that's a different issue.  But IMO, normalizing that "This is my girlfriend and I love her.  Have you seen the new Cars movie?" goes a long way towards teaching the kids not to 'other' people. 
    I would mention it because you never know people's reactions. Maybe this will bring up questions they're not ready to answer? It's not even about the kids' reaction, it's the parents entirely.

    To bolded, this could be a question for straight people. "Who's this person you're with?" has been a question I've heard. Kids want to know regardless.
    The parent's 'issues' with or reactions to LW's relationship are their own.  It is not for LW or her GF to shoulder, explain, or apologize. 

    Also, I don't know any straight person who's brought a boyfriend or girlfriend around that has worried about explaining it to 'the children'.  
    For sure, I don't think they should have to explain or apologize for anything. Not everyone is understanding .... I personally haven't encountered that, but it could happen.

    I've seen it with straight couples. The 'couple' hasn't defined the relationship or they're fwb, or it's just a stupidly 'complicated' situation. So it's "uh what do we say? Relationship? Friends? FWB?"
    They have a clearly defined relationship.  

    Also, no matter who makes up the couple...I don't think trying to define 'fwb' to kids is advisable (and I don't think I'd want to define it that way to my parents or other family either.  They don't need to know.).  IF that were the case, I'd recommend going the 'friend' route.  

    But I actively kept guys I was dating/sleeping with away from my parents/family until we were defined.  Plus, they liked no one except for DH.  It's a big family joke that they knew he was 'the one' because I liked him and they could stand him. ;) 
    key elements for relationship/marriage ;)
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    Albeit, I have had limited experience with children.  But they seem really easy to bean dip.  They are also in "learn mode" and are usually pretty accepting of information adults tell them...unless it isn't in their best interest to be accepting, lol.

    5-year-old cousin Jane.  LW, "This is my g/f."  Jane:  "Okay."

    Same cousin Jane.  Jane, "Can we stop for ice cream!?!?"  Mom, "No, you'll spoil your dinner."  Jane:  5 minute whine and tantrum while she talks about how her mom is mean and they never have ice cream.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I imagine LW is out to her family (otherwise, I don't think she'd be bringing a gf to the events).  I would put the onus on the parents of the young children to have a chat if need be.  For example, I imagine my sister & her BIL will talk to my nephew about different kind of relationships when he's old enough to as questions about why his aunt Guac has a husband and another aunt has a wife.  If a child asks something like LW proposed ("do you two kiss? ), I would reply with, "that's not a very polite question to ask."  Depending on the nature of the question, she may say, "that's a better question for your mom & dad."  

    For example, my husband & I have two male dogs.  When our niece came over while we were still engaged (she was 6), she asked if they were boy dogs or girl dogs.  I said they were boy dogs.  She then asked how I knew.  I didn't know how much her parents had told her about sex and anatomy and I didn't want to open a can of worms.  I simply said, "that's a better question for your mom & dad."  No problem.  She's 11 now and I imagine she'd be mortified if I told her that she asked me that question 5 years ago!




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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    holyguacamole79 said:
    I imagine LW is out to her family (otherwise, I don't think she'd be bringing a gf to the events).  I would put the onus on the parents of the young children to have a chat if need be.  For example, I imagine my sister & her BIL will talk to my nephew about different kind of relationships when he's old enough to as questions about why his aunt Guac has a husband and another aunt has a wife.  If a child asks something like LW proposed ("do you two kiss? ), I would reply with, "that's not a very polite question to ask."  Depending on the nature of the question, she may say, "that's a better question for your mom & dad."  

    For example, my husband & I have two male dogs.  When our niece came over while we were still engaged (she was 6), she asked if they were boy dogs or girl dogs.  I said they were boy dogs.  She then asked how I knew.  I didn't know how much her parents had told her about sex and anatomy and I didn't want to open a can of worms.  I simply said, "that's a better question for your mom & dad."  No problem.  She's 11 now and I imagine she'd be mortified if I told her that she asked me that question 5 years ago!
    There's a difference between withholding information because you're not sure if they say vagina or wee wee and withholding who you are because you're not sure if they're bigots. Just saying. 
    image
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    kimmiinthemitten said:
    holyguacamole79 said:
    I imagine LW is out to her family (otherwise, I don't think she'd be bringing a gf to the events).  I would put the onus on the parents of the young children to have a chat if need be.  For example, I imagine my sister & her BIL will talk to my nephew about different kind of relationships when he's old enough to as questions about why his aunt Guac has a husband and another aunt has a wife.  If a child asks something like LW proposed ("do you two kiss? ), I would reply with, "that's not a very polite question to ask."  Depending on the nature of the question, she may say, "that's a better question for your mom & dad."  

    For example, my husband & I have two male dogs.  When our niece came over while we were still engaged (she was 6), she asked if they were boy dogs or girl dogs.  I said they were boy dogs.  She then asked how I knew.  I didn't know how much her parents had told her about sex and anatomy and I didn't want to open a can of worms.  I simply said, "that's a better question for your mom & dad."  No problem.  She's 11 now and I imagine she'd be mortified if I told her that she asked me that question 5 years ago!
    There's a difference between withholding information because you're not sure if they say vagina or wee wee and withholding who you are because you're not sure if they're bigots. Just saying. 
    That's why I said "depending on the nature of the question."  If a child asks, "is she your girlfriend?"  or "do you love her?", then I agree that LW should have no problem answering it.  If the child asks something like, "Why do you have a girlfriend and Aunt Jane has a boyfriend?"  I think that may be a better question to somewhat defer to the parents since the parents may prefer to answer thos questions in a certain way.






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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    holyguacamole79 said:
    kimmiinthemitten said:
    holyguacamole79 said:
    I imagine LW is out to her family (otherwise, I don't think she'd be bringing a gf to the events).  I would put the onus on the parents of the young children to have a chat if need be.  For example, I imagine my sister & her BIL will talk to my nephew about different kind of relationships when he's old enough to as questions about why his aunt Guac has a husband and another aunt has a wife.  If a child asks something like LW proposed ("do you two kiss? ), I would reply with, "that's not a very polite question to ask."  Depending on the nature of the question, she may say, "that's a better question for your mom & dad."  

    For example, my husband & I have two male dogs.  When our niece came over while we were still engaged (she was 6), she asked if they were boy dogs or girl dogs.  I said they were boy dogs.  She then asked how I knew.  I didn't know how much her parents had told her about sex and anatomy and I didn't want to open a can of worms.  I simply said, "that's a better question for your mom & dad."  No problem.  She's 11 now and I imagine she'd be mortified if I told her that she asked me that question 5 years ago!
    There's a difference between withholding information because you're not sure if they say vagina or wee wee and withholding who you are because you're not sure if they're bigots. Just saying. 
    That's why I said "depending on the nature of the question."  If a child asks, "is she your girlfriend?"  or "do you love her?", then I agree that LW should have no problem answering it.  If the child asks something like, "Why do you have a girlfriend and Aunt Jane has a boyfriend?"  I think that may be a better question to somewhat defer to the parents since the parents may prefer to answer thos questions in a certain way.


    "Because I love her, and Aunt Jane loves her boyfriend."

    unless parents want to teach their children to hate, there's no problem with answering that question 
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    It's no secret that different faith traditions have different perspectives regarding marriage.  Clarifying those perspectives does not always constitute hate.




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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    holyguacamole79 said:
    It's no secret that different faith traditions have different perspectives regarding marriage.  Clarifying those perspectives does not always constitute hate.
    I disagree.  If your religion dictates a certain thing you want to teach your children, that is your responsibility.  It is not someone else's job to make sure their relationship status and answers fall within a certain church's teaching.

    It's rude and disrespectful to expect them to do so.  Your belief=your explanation.
    image
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2017
    holyguacamole79 said:
    It's no secret that different faith traditions have different perspectives regarding marriage.  Clarifying those perspectives does not always constitute hate.
    Yes, and there's no reason why those different perspectives should have any problem with the answer I gave unless they want to be sure to add "and we think she's going to hell because of who she loves."  Honestly? Gay people exist. They're allowed to exist. Teach your children whatever you want about how things should be, but parents are not entitled to have everyone else play pretend. Some girls loves boys and some loves girls and not all of us identify as boys or girls. It's true, and children can handle it. 
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    kimmiinthemitten said:
    holyguacamole79 said:
    It's no secret that different faith traditions have different perspectives regarding marriage.  Clarifying those perspectives does not always constitute hate.
    I disagree.  If your religion dictates a certain thing you want to teach your children, that is your responsibility.  It is not someone else's job to make sure their relationship status and answers fall within a certain church's teaching.

    It's rude and disrespectful to expect them to do so.  Your belief=your explanation.
    You're putting words in my mouth.  There is no expectation that someone not be in a relationship simply because another person's faith says otherwise.  




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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2017
    holyguacamole79 said:
    kimmiinthemitten said:
    holyguacamole79 said:
    It's no secret that different faith traditions have different perspectives regarding marriage.  Clarifying those perspectives does not always constitute hate.
    I disagree.  If your religion dictates a certain thing you want to teach your children, that is your responsibility.  It is not someone else's job to make sure their relationship status and answers fall within a certain church's teaching.

    It's rude and disrespectful to expect them to do so.  Your belief=your explanation.
    You're putting words in my mouth.  There is no expectation that someone not be in a relationship simply because another person's faith says otherwise.  
    Then I'm confused- I thought you were arguing that people should not answer when a child asks why one lady has a boyfriend and another a girlfriend because of different church teachings? 

    Thats what have an issue with. Being in a relationship, being out, being equal to straight relationships means that you don't have to censor yourself because some people hate you or disagree that you should be in a relationship. There are perfectly acceptable honest age appropriate ways for couples to answer the question you raised whether they are gay or straight. 
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    holyguacamole79 said:
    kimmiinthemitten said:
    holyguacamole79 said:
    It's no secret that different faith traditions have different perspectives regarding marriage.  Clarifying those perspectives does not always constitute hate.
    I disagree.  If your religion dictates a certain thing you want to teach your children, that is your responsibility.  It is not someone else's job to make sure their relationship status and answers fall within a certain church's teaching.

    It's rude and disrespectful to expect them to do so.  Your belief=your explanation.
    You're putting words in my mouth.  There is no expectation that someone not be in a relationship simply because another person's faith says otherwise.  
    You're highlighting half of my sentence to make a point.  I clearly state status and answers.  Why does Aunt Jane have a girlfriend is a question about status.
    image
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Like srsly "do you kiss?"  Answer: yes we do!

    that is not a scandal. 
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    STARMOON44 said:
    holyguacamole79 said:
    kimmiinthemitten said:
    holyguacamole79 said:
    It's no secret that different faith traditions have different perspectives regarding marriage.  Clarifying those perspectives does not always constitute hate.
    I disagree.  If your religion dictates a certain thing you want to teach your children, that is your responsibility.  It is not someone else's job to make sure their relationship status and answers fall within a certain church's teaching.

    It's rude and disrespectful to expect them to do so.  Your belief=your explanation.
    You're putting words in my mouth.  There is no expectation that someone not be in a relationship simply because another person's faith says otherwise.  
    Then I'm confused- I thought you were arguing that people should not answer when a child asks why one lady has a boyfriend and another a girlfriend because of different church teachings? 

    Thats what have an issue with. Being in a relationship, being out, being equal to straight relationships means that you don't have to censor yourself because some people hate you or disagree that you should be in a relationship. There are perfectly acceptable honest age appropriate ways for couples to answer the question you raised whether they are gay or straight. 

    People are usually generally aware about the faith affiliations and views on relationship of their family members.  For example, I have plenty of friends who would rather explain to their young children in their own words what their faith teaches about different kinds of relationships.  That does not necessarily mean that that explanation involves condemning someone to hell.  If a question is simple enough, I agree that you should answer it honestly.  Kids are kids, though.  A question such as "why do you have a girlfriends and Aunt Jane has a boyfriend?" has a potential to have answers that a parent may prefer to discuss and include the information that their church teaches.




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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    STARMOON44 said:
    Like srsly "do you kiss?"  Answer: yes we do!

    that is not a scandal. 
    I agree with you.  




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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    holyguacamole79 said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    Like srsly "do you kiss?"  Answer: yes we do!

    that is not a scandal. 
    I agree with you.  
    Then I am so confused!! But I'm glad we agree on something :)
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