Wedding Woes

No matter what grasp you have on yourself, people will still judge. Sorry.

Dear Prudence,

I have always been an emotionally intelligent person, which I find fulfilling and useful in my personal life. It can also be useful in my career, but I often find it difficult to stop myself from crying, especially when it’s not a good time to be crying. It doesn’t happen every day, but when I get stressed out at the office, it can be hard to keep the tears from falling. I know that some people cry more easily than others, but crying just feels so dramatic. It can make me appear devastated, or unstable, when all I really feel is frustrated, misunderstood, or stressed.

As I’m bound to feel one of these three things at some point at work (duh, it’s work), I don’t think the tears are necessary. I end up saying to anyone who happens to be there when I cry “This is a thing that’s happening, don’t worry, it’s something I do, I’m fine.” Even though mentally I can grasp a situation and contextualize my feelings, it’s not enough for me to stop myself from crying. Are there any techniques I can use to help? I don’t want to seem like a delicate employee when I’m not.

–No, Really, I’m Fine

Re: No matter what grasp you have on yourself, people will still judge. Sorry.

  • 100% this is me. I could have written this letter!

    I'm lucky my coworkers and family know that I'm like this, so they're understanding. It's not an instability, but I would suggest LW speaking with a doctor about the mental health aspect of it.
    For me, it's usually in high anxiety situations. I either bail or start crying. Sometimes I can hold off the tears by focusing on breathing or something.
    In high school I use to dig my nails into my palms, or something else. Directing my focus to something else. It wasn't healthy, but I was also undiagnosed with anxiety disorder.

    This could be LW's issue, an underlying mental health issue that can be easily helped or at least understood better.
  • I am similar to LW.  Not that I cry that often, but I do tend to cry when I'm angry, so that's different.  But I've also teared up at work in difficult conversations.

    I personally hate the stigma about crying at work, it's a natural reaction, like a laugh.  Plus, to me crying means you care, and what's so bad about caring or being emotionally invested in your work.
    I try to remind myself this. That and maybe I'm just a sensitive person.
  • I'm way more sensitive than I was, say 10 years ago.  Sometimes I can't even watch a video on facebook which has a GOOD outcome without crying.  And I usually watch it at work.  So I usually cry at my desk, yeah. 

  • To be honest, I think this could limit LW's career and she should get professional help to find ways to cope with stress, frustration and feeling misunderstood.

    I don't know many people who cry all the time at work because of stress/frustration/misunderstandings and are seen as strong leaders. Right or wrong, LW is right, crying IS perceived as dramatic and it's pretty widely practiced that people perceived as dramatic (even though she may not truly be dramatic) are often passed up for promotions.
    I agree with this. Although I have every sympathy that this is a physical reaction, it is generally considered inappropriate to cry habitually in a professional environment in most industries.  Of course, everyone understands feeling overwhelmed and excusing yourself to the loo to have a cry is perfectly normal when feeling overwhelmed.  But if it is in public at work and enough times to be noticeable, I think it is a valid concern that it would limit her career. I am certainly not saying don't show emotion, but if this is going on several times a month, if I were this person's line manager, I would be speaking to HR to make sure this person was getting the appropriate work support and adjusting their job description so they were able to manage it without tears. No manager wants to be giving more work to someone who is crying over their existing work which in turn can mean missing out on frustrating, yet rewarding career advancing opportunities. 

    Cognitive behavioural therapy may help with this to channel this anger and frustration in a more constructive way. 
  • I had this problem.  And, TBH, though it's probably not healthy, I shut down and get really cold and logical to whatever the situation is at hand until after it's dealt with.  I do usually have to take a moment after whatever the resolution ends up being and go let my emotions out and I can usually find a private place to do so.

    The main issue really, is that if the problem is an argument, it's probably going to get really ugly.
  • I'm not sure what emotional intelligence has to do with this. I'd think if stress is making you cry, exploring other stress relief techniques would be useful. 
    Many people think crying = weak therefore weak = stupid {or weak = girlie. women = stupid, but that's whole other argument}
  • I'm not sure what emotional intelligence has to do with this. I'd think if stress is making you cry, exploring other stress relief techniques would be useful. 
    Many people think crying = weak therefore weak = stupid {or weak = girlie. women = stupid, but that's whole other argument}
    Except that thinking, re weakness/stupidity, is not emotional intelligence. It's the embodiment of judgement. Also, I don't actually know anyone who would look at a woman (or man) in tears, at work or outside it, and think, "Wow she must be stupid."  Let alone for them to the individual is weak.  I've seen grown men and women cry at work, and only an emotionally closed person has anything to say about it, in that moment or after, especially if the individual has demonstrated competence and quality of work.  I was in tears the day I lost Toothless, I explained nothing to anyone, and no one has at any point questioned my strength, intelligence, or ability to do my job.

    That being said, however... every time I read this letter, I can't help but think that LW actually isn't very emotionally intelligent.  Because LW is only able recognize her own emotions; she can't manage them to adapt appropriately to the environment. Recognizing the emotions of others is only half the battle.  She needs to be able to adapt hers in response, and she can't.

    I used to cry when I got frustrated, and that made me angry at myself because I couldn't stop it, which caused things to spiral. But it never happened so often that I had to explain it as "a thing that happens."  And if she's worried about people judging her, that says to me it's happening fairly regularly.  LW definitely needs to find better coping mechanisms, at a minimum.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

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