XP - Best Maid Conundrum

nassyv12

They do the government doesn't. They're planning a wedding a year from now it's just that technically there's been no engagement ring and she hasn't applied for a fiance visa so they aren't "officially engaged" which i have said above at some point.

Every time the groom tries to shut this down they walk away from him and tell him to "grow a pair". He still hangs round with them because they are his work friends. 

ahoywedding

nassyv12 said:

They do the government doesn't. They're planning a wedding a year from now it's just that technically there's been no engagement ring and she hasn't applied for a fiance visa so they aren't "officially engaged" which i have said above at some point.

Every time the groom tries to shut this down they walk away from him and tell him to "grow a pair". He still hangs round with them because they are his work friends. 

Ohhhhh okay so it sounds like it's kind of like a fiance visa in the US. I believe once you apply for that visa, you have 90 days to actually get married. Then yeah it makes sense why she's not applying for a whole new visa, and why some of the plans are being made already. 

Also, dang, his work friends sound like jerks. I hope he's able to stand up to them and M, and that you still get to be part of your friend's wedding! It sounds like you're trying to support your friend, hopefully he appreciates that!

charlotte989875

I think if they're planning a wedding, they're intending to get married, they're engaged. I don't understand the push back. Why does it matter if there is a ring and a proposal, many people don't do either of those things and still get married. 

But yeah, these guys sound ridiculous and I'd be hurt. His friend is an ass and I'm glad your friend is standing up for you. 

nassyv12

Thank you the only reason we say they're not engaged yet is because of the implications it can have on her studies and visa/citizenship applications. They basically are its just hoops to jump through on their part.

And thank you he really is the best friend a person can have he's turned round and said on numerous occasions that as long as he's marrying the girl he loves and has his family and best friends ( me included) then he doesn't care who else turns up. Honestly I think next time M or anyone else makes one of those comments he's going to call their bluff and tell them they'll be missed.

climbingsingle

If this guy is your supposed best friend, then why is he letting his other friends treat you badly? 

nassyv12

He's not... Every time he tries to have a go at them for it or put them straight they walk away from him so they don't have to listen or in some cases out and out laugh at him for "being a pansy".

short+sassy

nassyv12 said:

I thought we'd move past this considering people on these board agree that if a wedding is being planned then the couple are engaged even if its unofficially?

Besides there's now a new problem same people. M has turned round and said that if the groom has a best maid instead of a best man then he's not going to be part of it and another friend of the groom has asked the groom if it's really worth ending a friendship over some stupid title for some girl who they don't know ( even though i was out playing pool with them at the time and I've been friends with the groom for 7 years which is longer that them combined) 

Is it me or are these people going a bit ott with this? I mean I always thought that it was the bride and grooms choice who was in their wp not a collective vote between men and women. Either way i'm gonna sit back and wait to see what the groom says as it his choice but i'm kinda hurt by some of the comments made when they think i can't hear them. The groom does stick up for me but when he does his friends just walk away from him and tell him to "man up".

Groom to M, "I'm sorry to hear that.  You will be missed in my WP, but I hope you still come to the wedding."

Groom to other friend, "I'm not ending the friendship.  M is.  With his totally unreasonable and bizarre demand."

@nassyv12, I'm sorry that you and your friend are being hurt by those attitudes.  It doesn't surprise to me run into a mysogynist (sp?) once in awhile, but I am sadly surprised that it appears to be more than just M.  Quite frankly, I don't understand why they even care who is in the WP.  It is 100% the groom's choice and has exactly zero effect on them.  We're talking about the bachelor party, for who wants to go, and the wedding /reception as a WP "group".  That's it.  The WP is not going to be chained together 24/7 for months, so I'm just not seeing the big deal.

TrixieJess

Has your friend actually spoken to an immigration lawyer in the UK? My friend just got married there and did not have to have a fiancee visa. She got married with just her regular visa and is in the midst of changing to a spousal visa at the recommendation of the immigration lawyer. She also had the option of just staying on her regular visa, but it didn't offer the same mobility as a spousal visa. 

nassyv12

@TrixieJess he spoke to citizens advice who advice that she wont be able to do that because we don't have any free movement agreements with her country of origin and because of the visa she is currently on which is a 11 month student visa. Even if they got married while she was here she would still have to go back to her country of origin before applying for a new visa.

JediElizabeth

nassyv12 said:

I thought we'd move past this considering people on these board agree that if a wedding is being planned then the couple are engaged even if its unofficially?

Besides there's now a new problem same people. M has turned round and said that if the groom has a best maid instead of a best man then he's not going to be part of it and another friend of the groom has asked the groom if it's really worth ending a friendship over some stupid title for some girl who they don't know ( even though i was out playing pool with them at the time and I've been friends with the groom for 7 years which is longer that them combined) 

Is it me or are these people going a bit ott with this? I mean I always thought that it was the bride and grooms choice who was in their wp not a collective vote between men and women. Either way i'm gonna sit back and wait to see what the groom says as it his choice but i'm kinda hurt by some of the comments made when they think i can't hear them. The groom does stick up for me but when he does his friends just walk away from him and tell him to "man up".

This dude is awful. I hope your friend does drop him over these misogynistic comments....as well as the awful emotional blackmail.

Could you imagine any other response to this? Take the specific sexism away: "If you don't organize your bridal party the way I want, you'll lose my friendship."

That's not a friend, that's an emotionally toxic parasite. What other crazy things does he make demands of, then threaten to drop people over? No one needs that shit. 

nassyv12

@JediElizabeth actually he's now started to make other demands out side of the wedding party scenario. He told us that if were all going out we can only go to specific pubs because our regular ( the one my Bf, his fi, my so and I go to) is to quiet and boring. It has a live in puppy so I don't see how it's boring ( and no hes not allergic to dogs I checked before suggesting the place). Apparently I'm not allowed to wear dresses because with my crew cut ( done for charity) it makes me too confusing as he's not sure if i'm male or female... I've got a fairly generous amount of chest so i cant see the confusion. Oh and apparently when i was T total due to medication i wasn't allowed to come out with them because i was " a let down".

He's and unreasonable person in general we just didn't know he was going to be that sexist. 

After having a heart to heart with my friend last night he has decided if M makes another ultimatum then he's going to call his bluff because my friend refuses to have anyone else stood by his side other than me and people that support his choices. I think his fi has also had a word about the comments as she apparently put forward the idea of me standing on her side in a position of honour but my friend said that it didn't seem right his best friend not being allowed to stand next to him.

Thank you everyone for the support I know my writing can get a bit rambly but thank you for sticking through it.

short+sassy

nassyv12 said:

@JediElizabeth actually he's now started to make other demands out side of the wedding party scenario. He told us that if were all going out we can only go to specific pubs because our regular ( the one my Bf, his fi, my so and I go to) is to quiet and boring. It has a live in puppy so I don't see how it's boring ( and no hes not allergic to dogs I checked before suggesting the place). Apparently I'm not allowed to wear dresses because with my crew cut ( done for charity) it makes me too confusing as he's not sure if i'm male or female... I've got a fairly generous amount of chest so i cant see the confusion. Oh and apparently when i was T total due to medication i wasn't allowed to come out with them because i was " a let down".

He's and unreasonable person in general we just didn't know he was going to be that sexist. 

After having a heart to heart with my friend last night he has decided if M makes another ultimatum then he's going to call his bluff because my friend refuses to have anyone else stood by his side other than me and people that support his choices. I think his fi has also had a word about the comments as she apparently put forward the idea of me standing on her side in a position of honour but my friend said that it didn't seem right his best friend not being allowed to stand next to him.

Thank you everyone for the support I know my writing can get a bit rambly but thank you for sticking through it.

I don't see anything wrong with him offering his opinion/preference on where to go.  But a "demand" is ridiculous.  He has 51 other Saturdays in the year to plan a night out at the establishment of his choice.

Now he's confusing me.  You'd think he'd want you to dress more like a guy so he can pretend you're the gender he wants for the bach party.  Of course, I joke.  I'm sure you haven't had someone tell you how to dress since you were a kid living at home.  There is really something wrong with this guy. 

nassyv12

@short+sassy  apparently i'm to feminine for short hair when I wear a dress but i'm not allowed to be a GM because i'm over emotional and untrustworthy. Seems like an oxymoron to me.

Either way he crossed a line the other day as he told my SO to keep me in line when we were having a discussion about music. I said i didn't enjoy the music of a certain artist as it was about beating women and he said I obviously didn't know anything about music. When I said that i'm sure his music has merit but his content needs work at which point he tells my SO to keep me in line and I asked him how expected my SO to do that as free speech is allowed to everyone and he suggested the my SO takes some of the rappers advice. At which point i felt threatened so left but apparently he is no longer involved with the wedding so i guess that's a win. 

JediElizabeth

Wow. I'm glad the groom took what seems like the correct course of action here. I'm just surprised that he became close enough to be involved in the wedding before his crazy came out. 

nassyv12

Well @JediElizabeth I think my being picked as BM instead of him tipped him a bit.

He felt that because he as the G spend 6 hours a day with each other for the past 3 years entitled him to the role where as the G felt that as I've been with him through high school bullying, getting his job, his first car, his first tequila ( my fault actually) his first time meeting his FI, his grandfathers passing and his dads recovery from cancer that i was the one who had actually been the closest friend ( this is all what he's apparently said to M during and argument according to a mutual friend).

He also has said to me that he's chosen me over others because of how well I treat his Fi. I'm the only one of his friends who have actually tried to get to know her and have tried to include her in group events. She and i even went to get our nails done together without him being involved at all, were as his other friends will talk to her through him.

 So M is out and G has said that if any of the others try to pull the same string they're gone too as it's not about them it's about him, his fi and their families which he said included me even though i'm not blood.

So score one for progression and modernisation. I feel like a glass of wine is in order when I finish work later.