Wedding Woes

Block her with no regrets

Dear Prudence,

When I was a kid, I was sexually abused and bullied by an older cousin who has since moved away and hasn’t kept in touch. I’ve seen her once or twice in the past 15 years, and each time I’ve seen her, she’s commented on how fat and ugly she finds me. I’ve only told my sister and my husband about the abuse. I got married this summer, and I opted to not invite this cousin to my wedding. About a month before my wedding, I got a text from her congratulating me on my engagement (I had been engaged for about a year at that point). She’s never had my number, so she must have asked someone for it. I said thank you and didn’t continue the conversation. Then her mom contacted my mom to ask why she wasn’t invited to the wedding when the rest of their family was and if I was mad at her. The abusive cousin also contacted my other cousins to see if they were invited and then badmouthed me to all of them for not inviting her.

Now she sends me messages about once or twice a week. I never respond to her, but she continues to text me about random things. I’m not interested in staying in touch with her, and it’s not good for my recovery for her to keep contacting me. Can I just block her number, or do I finally have to confront her about the horrible things she did to me?

—Don’t Give Out My Damn Number!

Re: Block her with no regrets

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Block her number, get a restraining order against her and tell your family about the abuse.
    OurWildKingdomernursejbookmaiden17_MissKittyDanger
  • Block the number.

    It's up to the OP with whether or not she'd want to tell the rest of the family the truth.   I can see why she'd want to be private about it and why she may want the world to know.  
    OurWildKingdom
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member

    LW talks of recovery, so I hope that means she is in therapy.  It would be good to discuss this with the therapist. 

    I do think LW should confront cousin and tell her she wants to be left alone.  I think the RO is a bit much since cousin is far away.  I don't think a judge would grant one based on text messages.

    "Cousin, I do not want to be in contact with you any further.  Have you forgotten what you did to me when I was a child?  I have not and I want you to lose my number."


    short+sassycharlotte989875OurWildKingdomernursej
  • LW talks of recovery, so I hope that means she is in therapy.  It would be good to discuss this with the therapist. 

    I do think LW should confront cousin and tell her she wants to be left alone.  I think the RO is a bit much since cousin is far away.  I don't think a judge would grant one based on text messages.

    "Cousin, I do not want to be in contact with you any further.  Have you forgotten what you did to me when I was a child?  I have not and I want you to lose my number."


    She's still been abusive into adulthood.  LW could bring that up without disclosing the sexual abuse.  

    "Cousin and I have never gotten along because she's said horrible things to and about me my entire life.  I have no desire to have a relationship with her. "
    short+sassycharlotte989875OliveOilsMomOurWildKingdom
  • Two separate questions; YES by all means block her. And then decide if you want the larger family to know. Think about what you truly want, and if speaking about what happened to you will help then that's up to you. No one else gets to make that choice. 
    OurWildKingdom
  • I'm not sure why the LW hasn't already blocked the number.  I would have done that after the first text, especially since it understandably upsets her.

    I'm almost getting the impression that she doesn't want to confront the cousin, but feels obligated to as an "explanation" for why she isn't keeping touch?  Maybe I'm just reading into that.  Either way, she should make that decision on what is best for her emotional well being.  She certainly has zero obligation to respond back or explain anything.

    On a much less serious scale, I'm personally a bit of a b**ch like that.  I feel no obligation to respond to someone if I don't want to.  Whether that is a stranger on the street, trying to get my attention (usually to beg me for money, a favor, a scam or to ask me out) or someone I'm in a disagreement with/no longer want to engage with.  Depending on the situation, I might give a final warning like, "There is nothing further to discuss and I will ignore any future attempts to talk to me/contact me."  If it's in-person, I will then literally ignore them like they are not even there.  Even if they keep talking to me.  No eye contact.  No reaction to anything they say.  While I do that more to preserve my sanity and not waste more of my time on a conversation going nowhere, it also shocks people and drives them a bit bonkers.  Which I do find a bit fascinating, from a psychological perspective.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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