Advice for potential drama with a bridesmaid?

wufpup

So here's the deal... my fiance and I are getting married in 34 days.

We've been gently prodding our guests who have been given +1s for names of their people so we can make the appropriate arrangements.  Amongst those people is one of the bridesmaids.

It was always understood that for the rehearsal brunch, said bridesmaid would be bringing her mother as her +1 (and mom has her own invite to the wedding/reception itself), but would be bringing someone else as her date for the reception -- all cool by us.

We just found out that the bridesmaid's +1 for the ceremony/reception would be someone that my fiance really does not like, and specifically told the bridesmaid that he was not being invited to the wedding.  I've never met the guy, but this person has been thrown out of house parties that my fiance has hosted for being abusive/disrespectful to other guests, and basically getting wasted and insisting on being the center of attention.

We've reached out to the maid of honor (fiance's younger sister, friends with said bridesmaid, and also knows and dislikes this potential +1) to try to find out what's going on, and why this person was invited (i.e. was this a way of getting back at my fiance for not calling/hanging out as much since we got together?)

On the plus side of things, if this guy does come to the wedding, we've got a number of friends who are experts at running interference, and we can always tell the bartenders to short pour the guy.

Ideally, I'd prefer not to have any drama on the wedding day itself: we've already paid for the programs to be printed, and I don't want any friendships ruined.

Any thoughts/advice?

southernbelle0915

wufpup said:

So here's the deal... my fiance and I are getting married in 34 days.

We've been gently prodding our guests who have been given +1s for names of their people so we can make the appropriate arrangements.  Amongst those people is one of the bridesmaids.

It was always understood that for the rehearsal brunch, said bridesmaid would be bringing her mother as her +1 (and mom has her own invite to the wedding/reception itself), but would be bringing someone else as her date for the reception -- all cool by us.

We just found out that the bridesmaid's +1 for the ceremony/reception would be someone that my fiance really does not like, and specifically told the bridesmaid that he was not being invited to the wedding.  I've never met the guy, but this person has been thrown out of house parties that my fiance has thrown for being abusive/disrespectful to other guests, and basically getting wasted and insisting on being the center of attention.

We've reached out to the maid of honor (who is also friends with said bridesmaid, and who also knows and dislikes this potential +1) to try to find out what's going on, and why this person was invited (i.e. was this a way of getting back at my fiance for not calling/hanging out as much since we got together?)

On the plus side of things, if this guy does come to the wedding, we've got a number of friends who are experts at running interference, and we can always tell the bartenders to short pour the guy.

Ideally, I'd prefer not to have any drama on the wedding day itself: we've already paid for the programs to be printed, and I don't want any friendships ruined.

Any thoughts/advice?

You CAN restrict plus ones if they are violent. So if this person has an actual history of violence, you are well within your right to protect your other guests from potential harm. You CAN say to the BM "John has a history of violence at events we've been to and we are uncomfortable with having him at the wedding." 

You CANNOT restrict plus ones because you don't care for someone or because they get drunk or because they like to be the center of attention. Those things are irrelevant to the reasons why you are restricting this person you should NOT mention them when you discuss with your BM. 

But for the sweet love, deal with this like an actual adult and talk to your BM instead of gossiping and getting second hand information from your MOH. It's always funny to me that people who say they don't want drama are the exact ones who contribute to it by not directly dealing with issues.

southernbelle0915

And also, I'm sure your RSVPs aren't due yet if you're 34 days out (at least they shouldn't be), so stop asking people for this information. These are things you can address AFTER your RSVPs roll in. 

JediElizabeth

wufpup said:

So here's the deal... my fiance and I are getting married in 34 days.

We've been gently prodding our guests who have been given +1s for names of their people so we can make the appropriate arrangements.  Amongst those people is one of the bridesmaids.

It was always understood that for the rehearsal brunch, said bridesmaid would be bringing her mother as her +1 (and mom has her own invite to the wedding/reception itself), but would be bringing someone else as her date for the reception -- all cool by us.

We just found out that the bridesmaid's +1 for the ceremony/reception would be someone that my fiance really does not like, and specifically told the bridesmaid that he was not being invited to the wedding.  I've never met the guy, but this person has been thrown out of house parties that my fiance has thrown for being abusive/disrespectful to other guests, and basically getting wasted and insisting on being the center of attention.

We've reached out to the maid of honor (who is also friends with said bridesmaid, and who also knows and dislikes this potential +1) to try to find out what's going on, and why this person was invited (i.e. was this a way of getting back at my fiance for not calling/hanging out as much since we got together?)

On the plus side of things, if this guy does come to the wedding, we've got a number of friends who are experts at running interference, and we can always tell the bartenders to short pour the guy.

Ideally, I'd prefer not to have any drama on the wedding day itself: we've already paid for the programs to be printed, and I don't want any friendships ruined.

Any thoughts/advice?

Unless this guy has been physically abusive in the past, let this go and focus on the bolded.

FWIW: Inviting someone to spite the hosts/guests on honor is one of the most spiteful and petty things I've ever heard of, and I hope no adult would do it. 

wufpup

The RSVPs were due last week -- both our venue and caterer wanted a month lead time for final headcounts -- we had to sent our invites out a bit early because we had a few handfuls of guests that would have to be flying in from Australia, UK, and Italy... so needed enough lead time for them since it would be a "destination wedding" -- and would have to make appropriate time off/travel plans.

climbingsingle

wufpup said:

The RSVPs were due last week -- both our venue and caterer wanted a month lead time for final headcounts -- we had to sent our invites out a bit early because we had a few handfuls of guests that would have to be flying in from Australia, UK, and Italy... so needed enough lead time for them since it would be a "destination wedding" -- and would have to make appropriate time off/travel plans.

You're asking for RVSPs way too early. You should have told the venue and caterer no - that's what I did. 

Anyway, you've given her a plus one. That means she can bring whomever she likes. Unless this person has been physically violent, you don't have a reason to ban him from your wedding. 

Honestly, just let it go. You probably won't even notice him at the wedding. If he does get drunk and disorderly, have someone escort him out. 

LondonLisa

I think PPs have covered the +1 issue.

However, spite-inviting someone to your wedding raises really big flags for me for your friendship with this person. Are you sure she isn't dating him? Or just enjoys his company? If you think you have a friend that would invite someone just to make you upset, you have a MAJOR friend issue.  I would call them up and check if everything was OK. Not in an accusatory way, (or even bringing him up) just a: 'Hi friend, I know I've been busy with wedding stuff, but I just wanted to check in with you and make sure everything was OK. Do you have time for a coffee so we can catch up a bit?'

If you are getting to the point where people are spite-inviting others to your wedding you either need to a.) reevaluate your behaviour or b.) reevaluate your friendships. 

That is one of the most petty things I have ever heard of. 

ahoywedding

Is your BM in a relationship with this guy? If she's inviting him to spite you & you FI, I'd re-evaluate that friendship. If not, the only reason you can exclude him is if there is a real risk he would get violent with other guests. Another option is to have security on-site. (Our venue required we hire an off-duty police officer). You can also alert venue staff or the bartender of this guest and any worries you have. 

I also second the advice to talk directly to your friend, don't sneak around asking other people if they know who she plans to invite. 

And yes, your RSVP date was way too early. If you have a lot of OOT guests, that's what STDs are for. They can make travel arrangements based on that, and you can put other pertinent information on a wedding website or in emails.

knottie57e3a2a8e0a62b3f

I second what everyone says pretty much. Just wanted to add - why don't you set up a coffee or dinner date with her sometime in the near future and just ask her about her life. Have a real normal conversation and listen to what she says. Don't make the conversation about the wedding at all. Don't outwordly ask her why she is bring this guy. Maybe she will tell you she is dating him. Maybe she will reveal the real reason why she is bringing him without you needing to ask. 

I find it very strange anyone would bring a date like that just to piss you off. If she is really that vindictive - she shouldn't be in your wedding party.

You'd be surprised how easy it is to fix a misunderstanding if you just sit down and communicate without judgment. I'm - dealing with some bride drama on my own and - I think if the bride would have just listened to me instead of judging me and being cold and distant we could have saved our friendship. Not sure if it can be saved anymore. But anyways - that dinner date may also reveal if the friendship is actually worth saving.

flantastic

I don't understand how you think you're going to get accurate information without talking to your bridesmaid directly. "I saw you're planning to bring John - are you guys dating? FWB? Like his company?"

Sure, if she's spite-inviting him, she may not tell you that directly, but what are the odds she's gonna tell someone who's close enough to be your MOH, if she'd be hiding it from you? Seems stupid, and much more likely to cause unnecessary drama by having things interpreted and misunderstood. Hearsay is not admissible in court for a reason.

Or, as others have suggested, "How have you been doing lately? What's going on with you?" over coffee. If she's pissed at you, maybe that will come out. Maybe she'll see that you and your FI actually do care about her beyond wedding stuff. But addressing this as if it's actually a wedding issue and not a friend issue isn't going to get you anywhere.

PP have good suggestions about whether you have to suck it up and deal with the guest, hinging on actual violence. You gave her a +1, which means she can in fact bring anyone unless you have a valid reason to think that person will cause physical harm to your guests.

MyNameIsNot

She's spite inviting someone, and you're running to your MOH to gossip about it instead of asking her? It sounds like drama is your number one goal here. 

Just let it go. Put Sarah Jones and Guest on her escort card and leave it alone. You don't need to know his name to comply with your caterers' absurdly early numbers requirement. That's a whole other thing, but I'd be seriously questioning the abilities of a caterer that needs that much lead time with firm numbers. Is this person actually a professional? 

STARMOON44

If you don't want drama don't make it by involving other people is this issue. 

Glasshalfempty

I thought all venues needed numbers a month in advance. That seems to be the trend I'm seeing with RSVP deadlines across the last couple of years. 
Mine also asked for final numbers 30 days out to finalise payment. 

SP29

Glasshalfempty said:

I thought all venues needed numbers a month in advance. That seems to be the trend I'm seeing with RSVP deadlines across the last couple of years. 
Mine also asked for final numbers 30 days out to finalise payment. 

SITB.

They really shouldn't. 10-14 days is enough. A venue may ask for soft numbers, but even still, you book a venue knowing it has capacity for X number of guests and the venue usually gives you a minimum you have to pay for, so they should have a rough idea from the get go.

Venue set up wouldn't be until the day before. Perhaps if the venue is not usually used for dinner events, they may have to order earlier. But if it's a venue that works in the industry, or a caterer who regularly does large events, they would be putting on events every weekend and are usually following a similar menu.

I have seen couples ask for an RSVP of a month plus in advance, but I think this is their choosing, not because of the venue. I think they want to know numbers for the seating chart and hotel bookings, even though that is not necessary.

kaos16

wufpup said:

We've reached out to the maid of honor (fiance's younger sister, friends with said bridesmaid, and also knows and dislikes this potential +1) to try to find out what's going on, and why this person was invited (i.e. was this a way of getting back at my fiance for not calling/hanging out as much since we got together?)

Are you friends with this bridesmaid, or is she a friend of your fiance?  If she is his friend, he should have a frank conversation with her. . . not through his sister.

MobKaz

@wufpup , based on dates given, congratulations are in order!  Care to fill us in on the outcome of your day and guests?