Etiquette

How to ask MoH to step down :(

I won't bore you with the entire story but I'll try to lay out the basics. My bridal shower was 2 weeks ago and was supposed to be hosted by my MoH. The day of, she was in a bad mood and was incredibly disrespectful to me and my guests. She wouldn't talk to me or anyone else, forcing my mom and other bridesmaids to take care of the party since she wasn't. She left an hour early and slammed the door in my face when I tried to walk her out. I am so hurt and embarrassed.

Since then I haven't heard a word from her, despite trying to see if she's ok. None of the bridesmaids have heard from her either; and they were in the middle of planning my bachelorette party. The girls are wondering if they should just take over the planning. I think I want to ask her to step down, but I'm not sure how. The whole thing is so uncomfortable :(

Re: How to ask MoH to step down :(

  • I'd rather not post the whole thing here...paranoid someone I know will see it :(
  • @LondonLisa I'm trying not to be selfish, but I am pretty sure she already wants to end the friendship but is not saying so. She may be having a crisis and if that's the case I truly feel for her. But if she's not going to talk to me about it am I supposed to keep badgering her until she does? In the meantime my wedding is next month, and if she's not going to talk to me I need to take over the wedding tasks she was working on. I wish I could just pause time and work this out properly.
  • PPs have covered it.

    The bottom line.  You can kick her out of the WP, just realize it is an extremely drastic step that will ruin any chance of salvaging this friendship.  Plus, if the two of you share a lot of mutual friends/hang out the same places, it will be unpleasant for perhaps years to come.

    Unless she did something really egregious...like sleep with your FI...I wouldn't be the "bad guy" and kick her out.  So far, what you've described is very upsetting, but does not rise to the level of kicking her out of your WP.

    If you don't kick her out, what is the worst case scenario?  That she doesn't show up for your wedding.  So, prepare yourself emotionally for that possibility.  But, logistically, it's NBD.  For example, if she was being escorted in the processional by the Best Man, now he'll just walk by himself.  If she agreed to do particular tasks, you and your FI should just cover those yourself now.

    If the other ladies want to throw a bach party for you, they should do that.  It certainly doesn't have to be the MOH, nor is a MOH required to throw any parties anyway.  Though I'd be upset also if this was something she'd already offered, had started making plans for, and is now on radio silence. 

    Last, but not least, if you kick her out of the WP or you don't and she doesn't show up for the wedding...DO NOT replace her as MOH with one of your other BMs.  That would be insulting and rude.  Like, "Hey Jane, good news!  Now that Annie and I are kaputs, you're my SECOND choice to be MOH!"  There is no difference between a BM and a MOH, other than a title and perhaps a slightly higher honor to one's BFF.


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    eileenrobSP29
  • I'm going to echo everyone else.  

    All you have given are her actions.   Are her actions the result of something that involves you?  
  • banana468 said:
    I'm going to echo everyone else.  

    All you have given are her actions.   Are her actions the result of something that involves you?  

    OP, you're certainly entitled to your privacy and do not need to provide further details.  But this is what we are all suspecting.

    Her behavior at the shower sounds extreme for it to have just been a "bad day".  And her subsequent refusal to return calls is also telling.

    I'm sure you at least know the reason she behaved the way she did, even if her behavior was still unwarranted.  I encourage you to do some hard self-reflection.  Put yourself in her shoes for whatever it is that is really going on and think about how you would feel.

    If you truly don't know what's going on, then you really need to do some hard self-reflection.  Because, while it isn't the only explanation, the most likely one is that there is something related to you, your wedding, or both that has really upset her.  And has perhaps been upsetting her for a long time and the resentment has built up.

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  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I see that several people have assumed you somehow "assigned" these tasks, which is typical of brides who have overblown expectations of their wedding party, and not at all uncommon.

    However, are you talking about other things she has offered to do without pressure from you? In that case, if they're party-planning related, no, you don't take them over. Either she does them and you have the party, or she doesn't and you don't, or she tells you she can't do them any more and then someone else can offer. I can't think of many things that the MOH would have offered to do that are actually necessary to you getting married to your FI, so I highly doubt that you actually need to know if she's going to do them. Whether she's going to keep doing these things doesn't matter.

    This is great, because it lets you address this as a friend issue and see what's going on with her and whether/why she's mad at you, without bringing "Also, are you still up for planning my bachelorette?" into the picture, which makes it seem like all you care about is what she can do for you. I like the wording Lisa gave for checking in with her, as a friend.

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    MandyMostInLoveInQueensSP29
  • If the MOH offered to host a shower and then was unable to do so, for any reason, either you don't get a shower or someone else steps in and offers to host. If your situation it looks like the MOH decided not to host halfway through the party, and your mother and other bridesmaids took over. I hope your MOH was aware that throwing the shower was in no way her job or responsibility if she didn't want to do it, and that she could have (and likely should have!) declined to host ahead of time.

    For the bachelorette party, hopefully your MOH fully understands that it is not her job or responsibility in any way to throw it for you, and she can host (or not) and participate (or not) in any way. It's unrelated to being MOH. If she was going to host/participate and now isn't, that's totally fine. Either someone else can step up and offer, or you won't have a bachelorette party. 

    If your MOH offered to do any wedding-related tasks, she's fully free to rescind the offer. That has nothing to do with her position of MOH either. 


    With that being said, your issue here is that your best friend stormed out of a party in your honor and refused to speak to you then, and has refused any attempts at contact since then, and you seemingly don't understand why. That's the issue. It has nothing to do with your wedding!
    InLoveInQueensshort+sassySP29
  • @LondonLisa I'm trying not to be selfish, but I am pretty sure she already wants to end the friendship but is not saying so. She may be having a crisis and if that's the case I truly feel for her. But if she's not going to talk to me about it am I supposed to keep badgering her until she does? In the meantime my wedding is next month, and if she's not going to talk to me I need to take over the wedding tasks she was working on. I wish I could just pause time and work this out properly.
    If she was a close enough friend to be your MOH?  Yes.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
    InLoveInQueensCMGragainSP29
  • edited September 14
    I'm not sure why everyone thinks I'm the one that assigned her to do things. I would never do that. My wedding is my burden and no one needs to help with it unless they would like to.

    With that being said, she did offer to throw me the bridal shower. In fact in the very early stages I didn't even want one (seemed like too much trouble, and I always feel like I'm putting people out). But she convinced me to let her throw me one, and as time went on I did start to warm up to the idea because she made it sound fun (I'd never been to one before). She has a background in party/event planning, so she tends to enjoy this kind of thing.

    She also offered to throw me a bachelorette party. I know the other girls were helping but she was the one "in charge." The other girls told me there were plans made but nothing was actually booked yet, so that's why they were wondering what to do/if one of them should take over. They want to continue working on it so they don't run out of time, but since she was in charge I don't want them to step on her toes or anything.

    I truely and honestly don't know what set her off. Maybe it was me. Maybe it wasn't. I'd seen her 48 hours before the party and everything seemed fine. I can't think of what context to give. She was very excited to be helping with these things (or she was acting like it anyway, maybe she wasn't, I don't know anymore)...and then it was as if she decided overnight that she didn't want to anymore. If she was to say she changed her mind and that it was too much pressure I would have understood. Maybe something terrible happened on a more personal level that made her upset...but that's why I've tried talking to her with no luck yet.
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    edited September 15
    I'm not sure why everyone thinks I'm the one that assigned her to do things. I would never do that. My wedding is my burden and no one needs to help with it unless they would like to.

    With that being said, she did offer to throw me the bridal shower. In fact in the very early stages I didn't even want one (seemed like too much trouble, and I always feel like I'm putting people out). But she convinced me to let her throw me one, and as time went on I did start to warm up to the idea because she made it sound fun (I'd never been to one before). She has a background in party/event planning, so she tends to enjoy this kind of thing.

    She also offered to throw me a bachelorette party. I know the other girls were helping but she was the one "in charge." The other girls told me there were plans made but nothing was actually booked yet, so that's why they were wondering what to do/if one of them should take over. They want to continue working on it so they don't run out of time, but since she was in charge I don't want them to step on her toes or anything.

    I truely and honestly don't know what set her off. Maybe it was me. Maybe it wasn't. I'd seen her 48 hours before the party and everything seemed fine. I can't think of what context to give. She was very excited to be helping with these things (or she was acting like it anyway, maybe she wasn't, I don't know anymore)...and then it was as if she decided overnight that she didn't want to anymore. If she was to say she changed her mind and that it was too much pressure I would have understood. Maybe something terrible happened on a more personal level that made her upset...but that's why I've tried talking to her with no luck yet.
    Again, this was your best friend, and you are worried about a party? Just, what are your priorities here?!

    I am just flabbergasted that you are so concerned with your hen do and your shower, but not the fact that you are being ghosted by your alleged best friend. JFC, drive to her house and try to talk to her. See what is going on. I would be devastated by my best friend doing this to me. I certainly would NOT be focusing on what they could do for me!

    The fact that you are so willing to write this friendship off, especially when you say everything was fine until 48 hours before, makes me think you really didn't care about this friendship to begin with. 
    PrettyGirlLostInLoveInQueensclimbingwifeMyNameIsNot
  • I'm not sure why everyone thinks I'm the one that assigned her to do things. I would never do that. My wedding is my burden and no one needs to help with it unless they would like to.

    With that being said, she did offer to throw me the bridal shower. In fact in the very early stages I didn't even want one (seemed like too much trouble, and I always feel like I'm putting people out). But she convinced me to let her throw me one, and as time went on I did start to warm up to the idea because she made it sound fun (I'd never been to one before). She has a background in party/event planning, so she tends to enjoy this kind of thing.

    She also offered to throw me a bachelorette party. I know the other girls were helping but she was the one "in charge." The other girls told me there were plans made but nothing was actually booked yet, so that's why they were wondering what to do/if one of them should take over. They want to continue working on it so they don't run out of time, but since she was in charge I don't want them to step on her toes or anything.

    I truely and honestly don't know what set her off. Maybe it was me. Maybe it wasn't. I'd seen her 48 hours before the party and everything seemed fine. I can't think of what context to give. She was very excited to be helping with these things (or she was acting like it anyway, maybe she wasn't, I don't know anymore)...and then it was as if she decided overnight that she didn't want to anymore. If she was to say she changed her mind and that it was too much pressure I would have understood. Maybe something terrible happened on a more personal level that made her upset...but that's why I've tried talking to her with no luck yet.
    Again, this was your best friend, and you are worried about a party? Just, what are your priorities here?!

    I am just flabbergasted that you are so concerned with your hen do and your shower, but not the fact that you are being ghosted by your alleged best friend. JFC, drive to her house and try to talk to her. See what is going on. I would be devastated by my best friend doing this to me. I certainly would NOT be focusing on what they could do for me!

    The fact that you are so willing to write this friendship off, especially when you say everything was fine until 48 hours before, makes me think you really didn't care about this friendship to begin with. 
    I'm thinking if I took the wedding out of this....

    If I went to a birthday  party or something for me hosted by one my best friends and she suddenly sulked all night, not talking to anyone, then made it really clear she didn't want to talk to me when I tried to figure out why, I would not escalate by going to her house and demanding to talk on my time.

    I would write a (snail mail) letter stating the facts as I saw them (as emotionlessly as possible), and then how they made me feel. I'd then tell her I don't understand what's wrong, and really want to talk it through. I'd make sure that I put in that I love her and I think that whatever it is, we can work through it as friends, even though I'm hurt. I'd let her respond on her time.

    Not because she seems to deserve that, but because hunting her down isn't working so far, so why would cornering her work? If it's something big and personal that she doesn't want to talk about, it's going to make things worse. And if she just had a change of heart and now she's ashamed of not being a good hostess, it's going to make her lash out. Or if she's just being moody, she might be moody that day, too. 

    Good luck, OP. I suggest writing a letter like the one I outlined above, and then waiting until after the wedding to talk if she doesn't come to you first. 
    mollybarker11flantasticSP29short+sassy
  • Yea, I'm also not sure I would be pursuing her to the point of knocking on her door. Different friendships have different dynamics and personalities are important. If she's not responding to calls and texts, is she really going to open the door and have a heart to heart? Only OP really knows her BF well enough to answer that.

    OP - I would just encourage you to take the wedding out of this. Do not mention the shower to her (other than to say you noticed she seemed upset at it), do not mention the bachelorette, do not mention the wedding. Just ask her why she's upset and tell her you care.....as a friend. 

    As far as guidance for your other friends on the bachelorette, I would tell them you can't imagine this party without your MOH and if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen - y'all can go out after the wedding if you want.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    mollybarker11SP29short+sassy
  • Re: Bachelorette: The rest of the bridesmaids should either wait for an update from the party-planner or decide as a group to move forward with her plans on their own. They should not be dragging you into it at all. It's really weird that they even brought it up to you.

    Re: MOH: I'm confused by the fact that there's an "entire story" you're "paranoid someone [you] know will see" yet when pressed for details you can't think of anything. I would follow pps' advice to reach out to her again with a letter or email (as opposed to a series of texts or messages which can be overwhelming). Let her know you're confused & concerned by her behaviour at the shower, that you love & care for her, and that you want to work things out. Don't mention the bachelorette, don't mention the wedding. If she doesn't not respond and doesn't show up, she will have removed herself from the bridal party. You don't need to do it for her.

    sparklepants41SP29
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    I'm not sure why everyone thinks I'm the one that assigned her to do things. I would never do that. My wedding is my burden and no one needs to help with it unless they would like to.

    With that being said, she did offer to throw me the bridal shower. In fact in the very early stages I didn't even want one (seemed like too much trouble, and I always feel like I'm putting people out). But she convinced me to let her throw me one, and as time went on I did start to warm up to the idea because she made it sound fun (I'd never been to one before). She has a background in party/event planning, so she tends to enjoy this kind of thing.

    She also offered to throw me a bachelorette party. I know the other girls were helping but she was the one "in charge." The other girls told me there were plans made but nothing was actually booked yet, so that's why they were wondering what to do/if one of them should take over. They want to continue working on it so they don't run out of time, but since she was in charge I don't want them to step on her toes or anything.

    I truely and honestly don't know what set her off. Maybe it was me. Maybe it wasn't. I'd seen her 48 hours before the party and everything seemed fine. I can't think of what context to give. She was very excited to be helping with these things (or she was acting like it anyway, maybe she wasn't, I don't know anymore)...and then it was as if she decided overnight that she didn't want to anymore. If she was to say she changed her mind and that it was too much pressure I would have understood. Maybe something terrible happened on a more personal level that made her upset...but that's why I've tried talking to her with no luck yet.
    Again, this was your best friend, and you are worried about a party? Just, what are your priorities here?!

    I am just flabbergasted that you are so concerned with your hen do and your shower, but not the fact that you are being ghosted by your alleged best friend. JFC, drive to her house and try to talk to her. See what is going on. I would be devastated by my best friend doing this to me. I certainly would NOT be focusing on what they could do for me!

    The fact that you are so willing to write this friendship off, especially when you say everything was fine until 48 hours before, makes me think you really didn't care about this friendship to begin with. 
    I'm thinking if I took the wedding out of this....

    If I went to a birthday  party or something for me hosted by one my best friends and she suddenly sulked all night, not talking to anyone, then made it really clear she didn't want to talk to me when I tried to figure out why, I would not escalate by going to her house and demanding to talk on my time.

    I would write a (snail mail) letter stating the facts as I saw them (as emotionlessly as possible), and then how they made me feel. I'd then tell her I don't understand what's wrong, and really want to talk it through. I'd make sure that I put in that I love her and I think that whatever it is, we can work through it as friends, even though I'm hurt. I'd let her respond on her time.

    Not because she seems to deserve that, but because hunting her down isn't working so far, so why would cornering her work? If it's something big and personal that she doesn't want to talk about, it's going to make things worse. And if she just had a change of heart and now she's ashamed of not being a good hostess, it's going to make her lash out. Or if she's just being moody, she might be moody that day, too. 

    Good luck, OP. I suggest writing a letter like the one I outlined above, and then waiting until after the wedding to talk if she doesn't come to you first. 
    The point I was trying to make was she should take the wedding out of it. If you were at a party and your best friend was really upset for some reason and stormed out/ wasn't speaking to you, I wouldn't just call a few times then end the friendship- if this was your closest and dearest friend I would want to get to the bottom of it. I know all relationships have different dynamics. But I would sure as hell try to get to the bottom of it and made sure I exhausted every avenue before I pulled the plug and ended the relationship. 

    Whatever works for them, she should do that. But kicking out of the wedding is a friendship-ending move so I think that is the last thing someone should do. If a letter works for OP, do that. 

    But I think OP should forget about the hen do. Her BMs can handle it. Her MOH knows the wedding details. Just let her be and don't 'kick her out'. Focus on your wedding and if she shows up, great. If not, you guys can work on that in the future.  
    charlotte989875
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    member
    I'm not sure why everyone thinks I'm the one that assigned her to do things. I would never do that. My wedding is my burden and no one needs to help with it unless they would like to.

    With that being said, she did offer to throw me the bridal shower. In fact in the very early stages I didn't even want one (seemed like too much trouble, and I always feel like I'm putting people out). But she convinced me to let her throw me one, and as time went on I did start to warm up to the idea because she made it sound fun (I'd never been to one before). She has a background in party/event planning, so she tends to enjoy this kind of thing.

    She also offered to throw me a bachelorette party. I know the other girls were helping but she was the one "in charge." The other girls told me there were plans made but nothing was actually booked yet, so that's why they were wondering what to do/if one of them should take over. They want to continue working on it so they don't run out of time, but since she was in charge I don't want them to step on her toes or anything.

    I truely and honestly don't know what set her off. Maybe it was me. Maybe it wasn't. I'd seen her 48 hours before the party and everything seemed fine. I can't think of what context to give. She was very excited to be helping with these things (or she was acting like it anyway, maybe she wasn't, I don't know anymore)...and then it was as if she decided overnight that she didn't want to anymore. If she was to say she changed her mind and that it was too much pressure I would have understood. Maybe something terrible happened on a more personal level that made her upset...but that's why I've tried talking to her with no luck yet.
    Again, this was your best friend, and you are worried about a party? Just, what are your priorities here?!

    I am just flabbergasted that you are so concerned with your hen do and your shower, but not the fact that you are being ghosted by your alleged best friend. JFC, drive to her house and try to talk to her. See what is going on. I would be devastated by my best friend doing this to me. I certainly would NOT be focusing on what they could do for me!

    The fact that you are so willing to write this friendship off, especially when you say everything was fine until 48 hours before, makes me think you really didn't care about this friendship to begin with. 
    I'm thinking if I took the wedding out of this....

    If I went to a birthday  party or something for me hosted by one my best friends and she suddenly sulked all night, not talking to anyone, then made it really clear she didn't want to talk to me when I tried to figure out why, I would not escalate by going to her house and demanding to talk on my time.

    I would write a (snail mail) letter stating the facts as I saw them (as emotionlessly as possible), and then how they made me feel. I'd then tell her I don't understand what's wrong, and really want to talk it through. I'd make sure that I put in that I love her and I think that whatever it is, we can work through it as friends, even though I'm hurt. I'd let her respond on her time.

    Not because she seems to deserve that, but because hunting her down isn't working so far, so why would cornering her work? If it's something big and personal that she doesn't want to talk about, it's going to make things worse. And if she just had a change of heart and now she's ashamed of not being a good hostess, it's going to make her lash out. Or if she's just being moody, she might be moody that day, too. 

    Good luck, OP. I suggest writing a letter like the one I outlined above, and then waiting until after the wedding to talk if she doesn't come to you first. 
    Not necessarily.

    I'm with Lisa and I'd stop by just to see if the person who has dropped of the face of the earth is ok.  That's all it has to be- knock on the door and say, "Hey I just wanted to make sure you were alright.  Are you OK? Do you need anything?" 

    No rehashing of all this shower drama, no trying to resolve anything- just initially checking to make sure your friend is ok.

    And if I was concerned for a friend I wouldn't wait to check on her until after I sent a letter which she didn't respond to AND then after an event that was months away.

    If they don't answer the door, so be it.  But at least I tried.  I'm just not a fan of writing emails or texts or letters that just go off into the abyss.




    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited September 15
    Did you choose her to be your MOH because she is your FRIEND?  Are you HER friend?  You are not acting like one.  Why aren't you worried about her?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    LondonLisa
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