Don't go, don't send a gift, and it certainly doesn't need further conversation/clarification.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My stepsister is very close with her father but strongly dislikes my mother (now his wife) and me for “replacing” her own dead mother. Since my stepsister left the house three years ago, she’s become very wealthy and started seeing a new man we’ve only met once. I think I’ve seen him three times in total, mostly over FaceTime. Recently, we received a very impersonal wedding invitation from them, without even having known that they were engaged. The ceremony is to be in Rome in a month, a trip we can’t afford on such short notice. My stepfather pushed for us to attend but conceded we’d need to borrow the money from my stepsister. I called her and told her we’d be unable to afford it, hoping she would offer before I had to ask. Instead, she replied, verbatim, “Maybe it’s not in the budget, then. Send a gift if you can’t come.” Did I just get uninvited from my stepsister’s wedding? Does this merit further conversation?

—Wedding Woes

southernbelle0915

Funny that this is signed "wedding woes"... but anyway.

You can't afford it, you declined. The end. It was rude of step sister to say "send a gift" (you don't have to), but by no means did she "uninvite" you by not offering to pay for your trip to Rome. Like, how did you even make that connection?

baconsmom

She's never liked you, right? So why on earth would anyone think she'd pay for you to go to Rome? This was clearly the most polite way to ensure you wouldn't come. Stay home and be happy you didn't have to give up part of an Italian vacation to go to some bitch's wedding. 

banana468

Sounds like step sister is out to do the bare minimum with these people.   She can't be accused of not extending invitations so her end is done.

So the OP can either decline and not send a gift or do the minimum.   Go to Michael's and buy a picture frame.   Send it to the bride and groom and wish them well.   Then SHE can't be accused of not recognizing the step sister.

OliveOilsMom

I don't know why immediately LW went to being uninvited to the wedding.  LW is not entitled to any money from her SS to assist in attending the wedding, even if it would be a loan.  If she is butthurt over it for some reason, she just needs to build a bridge. 

It was really rude of SS to demand a gift.  I would send a nice card with a potentially heartfelt note, if LW wanted and be done with it.  There would be no gift given to this bride.

flantastic

Person you are not close to is having a DW, and didn't take your finances into account or offer to help. You're not a VIP, but neither were you uninvited. You're just a person who got invited to a DW and can't afford to go, which is not unusual and not the bride's problem. Decline like any other normal person, and I'm not sure why you seem surprised. Don't send a gift because you don't actually like her and she was rude about it, it's not a requirement.

How do people make things so hard?

mrsconn23

When people gloss over a difficult relationship in one sentence and then have a long complaint about something that person has 'done' to them (from their perspective), I'm always curious about the backstory on how it all led to this point.  

I mean, where IS the stepdad in all this?  What about LW's mom?  Is stepsister only paying for the dad to go?  Why is the relationship between them ALL the stepsister's fault? 

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

When people gloss over a difficult relationship in one sentence and then have a long complaint about something that person has 'done' to them (from their perspective), I'm always curious about the backstory on how it all led to this point.  

I mean, where IS the stepdad in all this?  What about LW's mom?  Is stepsister only paying for the dad to go?  Why is the relationship between them ALL the stepsister's fault? 

Step dad sounds like he's a bit of a turd in the pool if his answer is "Well ask your sister to help." 

Maybe there is more to the story with all of this but I think the question for the OP is whether or not she wants any kind of relationship in the future with this step sister.

mrsconn23

banana468 said:

mrsconn23 said:

When people gloss over a difficult relationship in one sentence and then have a long complaint about something that person has 'done' to them (from their perspective), I'm always curious about the backstory on how it all led to this point.  

I mean, where IS the stepdad in all this?  What about LW's mom?  Is stepsister only paying for the dad to go?  Why is the relationship between them ALL the stepsister's fault? 

Step dad sounds like he's a bit of a turd in the pool if his answer is "Well ask your sister to help." 

Maybe there is more to the story with all of this but I think the question for the OP is whether or not she wants any kind of relationship in the future with this step sister.

Oh I agree that the dad sounds like a bit of a cad and continues to be as clueless today as he has ever been.  But yes, I agree that LW needs to figure out if she wants a relationship with stepsister.  I'd love to ask LW why she even *wants* a relationship with her stepsister if her stepsister really feels/treats her like family she never wanted? 

Furthermore, did anyone 'personalize' a wedding invitation for anyone?  I sure didn't.  Everyone got the same thing.  

kvruns

I can't believe LW was actually going to ask the StepSis to pay for her (even if it was a loan). Like leading into it, hoping the sister would offer? wtf? 

levioosa

Isn't it really difficult to get married in Italy? Like there are residency/citizenship requirements?  Ten bucks says this is a PPD anyways. 

PrettyGirlLost

mrsconn23 said:

banana468 said:

mrsconn23 said:

When people gloss over a difficult relationship in one sentence and then have a long complaint about something that person has 'done' to them (from their perspective), I'm always curious about the backstory on how it all led to this point.  

I mean, where IS the stepdad in all this?  What about LW's mom?  Is stepsister only paying for the dad to go?  Why is the relationship between them ALL the stepsister's fault? 

Step dad sounds like he's a bit of a turd in the pool if his answer is "Well ask your sister to help." 

Maybe there is more to the story with all of this but I think the question for the OP is whether or not she wants any kind of relationship in the future with this step sister.

Oh I agree that the dad sounds like a bit of a cad and continues to be as clueless today as he has ever been.  But yes, I agree that LW needs to figure out if she wants a relationship with stepsister.  I'd love to ask LW why she even *wants* a relationship with her stepsister if her stepsister really feels/treats her like family she never wanted? 

Furthermore, did anyone 'personalize' a wedding invitation for anyone?  I sure didn't.  Everyone got the same thing.  

I have no idea what a "personalized" wedding invitation even is!

I'm with you on this one, and the title of this thread sums up my reaction too :-)

Lala9414

I agree with PP's that there has to be more to the story, I also think the dad should have a talk with his daughter about her feelings towards step mom and sis, since LW states that the daughter feels like they replaced her dead mother. With the dad sounding so oblivious I wonder if he even acknowledges his daughters behavior

short+sassy

Color me confused with the rest of you all.

LW, a few points:

• Not offering to pay for you and your family to take a European vacation is NOT the same as uninviting you.  WTF with that?  You declined.  She understood your reasoning.  The end.
• Her father should not have made the suggestion that she would/might fund your trip.  He does not get to spend his daughter's money.  But you should understand that also.
• She should not have said you should just send a gift.  That was rude.
• I'm assuming this wedding was planned suddenly.  Hence the short notice on the invite and the fact that even your own mom didn't mention your stepsister was engaged.  I'm also assuming that you and your SS are not in regular communication.  So, not weird you didn't know about the engagement.
• If neither myself or any of the other ladies on this board have ever heard of a "personalized" wedding invitation, then LW, we would LOVE to know what you are talking about, lol.

LW, so your stepsister supposedly doesn't like yourself and your mother.  Ask yourself, is that really true?  Is it?  IS IT?  Because you sound as fragile as egg shells and gets offended, when no slight is meant.  

MesmrEwe

levioosa said:

Isn't it really difficult to get married in Italy? Like there are residency/citizenship requirements?  Ten bucks says this is a PPD anyways. 

I know of people who've gotten married at the Vatican...  They MUST be married in their HOME country in a legal ceremony before they're allowed to have their sacramental marriage even formally scheduled.  

Something tells me that the Father seeded that suggestion with the step-sister before telling the step daughter that she should ask.  She's not a VIP to the Step Sister in any circumstance - js...  As for the not formal invite, they still got an invite and she's putting her own bias in to think she's uninvited because SS didn't offer to pay...  Chances are SS didn't want her there anyway...

levioosa

MesmrEwe said:

levioosa said:

Isn't it really difficult to get married in Italy? Like there are residency/citizenship requirements?  Ten bucks says this is a PPD anyways. 

I know of people who've gotten married at the Vatican...  They MUST be married in their HOME country in a legal ceremony before they're allowed to have their sacramental marriage even formally scheduled.  

Something tells me that the Father seeded that suggestion with the step-sister before telling the step daughter that she should ask.  She's not a VIP to the Step Sister in any circumstance - js...  As for the not formal invite, they still got an invite and she's putting her own bias in to think she's uninvited because SS didn't offer to pay...  Chances are SS didn't want her there anyway...

I might be mistaken...but isn't the Vatican it's own sovereign type city state? I'm talking about getting married in Italy just because it's pretty, not at the Vatican. 

flantastic

levioosa said:

MesmrEwe said:

levioosa said:

Isn't it really difficult to get married in Italy? Like there are residency/citizenship requirements?  Ten bucks says this is a PPD anyways. 

I know of people who've gotten married at the Vatican...  They MUST be married in their HOME country in a legal ceremony before they're allowed to have their sacramental marriage even formally scheduled.  

Something tells me that the Father seeded that suggestion with the step-sister before telling the step daughter that she should ask.  She's not a VIP to the Step Sister in any circumstance - js...  As for the not formal invite, they still got an invite and she's putting her own bias in to think she's uninvited because SS didn't offer to pay...  Chances are SS didn't want her there anyway...

I might be mistaken...but isn't the Vatican it's own sovereign type city state? I'm talking about getting married in Italy just because it's pretty, not at the Vatican. 

It is a city-state, but LW probably wouldn't think to make the distinction that it's at the Vatican - to her, it's in Italy. So maybe all MesmrEwe was saying is that there's a scenario where it wouldn't necessarily be a PPD even if they were already married at home.

However, I think your scenario of the stepsister getting "married" in Italy proper and not dealing with actual Italy and its residency requirements much more likely, and that would be a standard "destination" PPD.