Excluded from the Bachelorette Party??

[Deleted User]

I am currently the maid of honor for my cousin's upcoming wedding. She also has two matrons of honor, as well as 3 bridesmaids. Being the closest MOH to her, as her two other MOHs included her FSIL and her best friend from college, I was taking it upon myself to gather some ideas for her bachelorette party, and then present them to the other bridesmaids for their thoughts, as it still is a few months out. However, I found out today that the two other MOHs, as well as one of the other bridesmaids, will be going to Las Vegas during President's Day Weekend. I was not asked to take part in this, and neither were two other bridesmaids (who happen to be my two sisters who are underage, but I am not). My first question would be, should I be insulted?? Is it possible that they did not ask me because my sisters couldn't attend, or should I be making a big deal out of this? ( Which would be totally out of character for me, as I am a notorious doormat.)

My next dilemma would be planning what the bride told me she would like her bachelorette party to be. I had asked her a few months ago and she said a trip to a vineyard, then spend a night or two in Atlantic City. She asked that not only the bridal party be included, but her mother, aunts, etc. Should I continue planning this bachelorette party? I don't feel particularly inclined to, but I would like an unbiased opinion on what I should do about this situation. Thank you!!

JediElizabeth

sbjanuary said:

I am currently the maid of honor for my cousin's upcoming wedding. She also has two matrons of honor, as well as 3 bridesmaids. Being the closest MOH to her, as her two other MOHs included her FSIL and her best friend from college, I was taking it upon myself to gather some ideas for her bachelorette party, and then present them to the other bridesmaids for their thoughts, as it still is a few months out. However, I found out today that the two other MOHs, as well as one of the other bridesmaids, will be going to Las Vegas during President's Day Weekend. I was not asked to take part in this, and neither were two other bridesmaids (who happen to be my two sisters who are underage, but I am not). My first question would be, should I be insulted?? Is it possible that they did not ask me because my sisters couldn't attend, or should I be making a big deal out of this? ( Which would be totally out of character for me, as I am a notorious doormat.)

My next dilemma would be planning what the bride told me she would like her bachelorette party to be. I had asked her a few months ago and she said a trip to a vineyard, then spend a night or two in Atlantic City. She asked that not only the bridal party be included, but her mother, aunts, etc. Should I continue planning this bachelorette party? I don't feel particularly inclined to, but I would like an unbiased opinion on what I should do about this situation. Thank you!!

How did you hear about this? Through rumors, or did these 3 tell you that this is the bachelorette party plan? Did the bride tell you?

I think you should have a group conversation/chat/email or something and figure it out. If it's a rumor, assume that the person telling you got it wrong (maybe it's just a trip and not a b-party). Start the conversation with the assumption that everyone is eager to plan something and everyone is invited. If that's not the case, let them be the ones in the awkward positions of saying that and then explaining why. 

You can start with, "I know we have few months to plan, but I wanted to start talking about [bride's] bachelorette party. Does anyone have any ideas?" You can add, "I talked to [bride] and she suggested a vineyard and a night in AC. She also gave me a guest list of people she'd like to be a part of it."

Also be aware of everyone's budget, and make sure you plan for something everyone can afford. A vineyard and 2 nights in AC can be very expensive, so be prepared for a plan B, or for not everyone to make it.

[Deleted User]

I heard this from my aunt (the bride's mother) as she called to today to let me know that we couldn't have the Bridal Shower on that weekend (we were throwing that around) because they would be going to Las Vegas that weekend. The bride did just start a group chat with everyone, so we can all contact each other, but I don't think playing dumb about a bachelorette party is going to work in my situation, as the bride's mother already told me about it. I am also totally aware about the price of AC, which was why I was trying to start planning early, but then this happened. Thank you!!

ei34

sbjanuary said:

I heard this from my aunt (the bride's mother) as she called to today to let me know that we couldn't have the Bridal Shower on that weekend (we were throwing that around) because they would be going to Las Vegas that weekend. The bride did just start a group chat with everyone, so we can all contact each other, but I don't think playing dumb about a bachelorette party is going to work in my situation, as the bride's mother already told me about it. I am also totally aware about the price of AC, which was why I was trying to start planning early, but then this happened. Thank you!!

Have you clarified if they're just going as a trip or if it's an actual B-party?  You could ask the bride-to-be if you'd like.  
Different people sometimes celebrate with a bride-to-be in different ways...I've skipped a few BP weekends in AC myself with a large group (not really my thing) and taken my soon-to-be-married friend out for drinks as a one-on-one BP.  No real rules other than respect all of the guests' price points.

nicgetsknotted

I would just talk to your cousin about it privately. Maybe they feel awkward because your sisters wouldn't be able to be there. Maybe this is just a friend trip and they aren't thinking of it as a bachelorette. It could be lots of things. She made you her MOH, so unless something drastic has happened between you I can't imagine she would be trying to shut you out.

mollybarker11

I'm going to assume that the bride is joining those three women on their trip to Vegas, but I don't see any reason to assume that that trip is her bachelorette party. Especially since she has already expressed to you her wishes for her bachelorette (i.e., vineyard, AC, larger guest list). Sounds like an unrelated girls' trip to me that happens to fall within the year of her wedding.

If you are typically included with this group when they vacation together then I can see why you'd feel excluded/insulted, but that would be a Friend Issue and not a Wedding Issue.

LondonLisa

Just because they are going to LV doesn't mean it's her hen do. There are many reasons they could be going. One could have a work thing and the others tag along. It could be a college thing. It could just be a friends trip. Also, the bride might not even be in charge of planning. Also, 4 is a good number to travel with as it splits hotel rooms easily. 2 of my BMs from school couldn't make my hen so they organised for the 3 of us to go away another weekend to a spa. I just feel like there could be a million reasons of why this trip is happening and a secret bachelorette party would be one of the last reasons I would think. 

Even IF (a massive if!) they do go out to celebrate her engagement, what affect does it have on the hen do? It sounds like the bride is still really into your party. There isn't a finite number of celebrations people can throw her. She isn't doing this instead of your party. 

I know its hurtful to feel excluded, but don't jump to that conclusion immediately.  It sounds like she very clearly wants you organising what she considers her hen do. 

Is this a pattern of behaviour? It just seems like you are a tad resentful towards them already. 

STARMOON44

I don't understand why you are assuming this is a Bachelorette party. 

southernbelle0915

Talk to the bride. And not on the group chat. And not via text. If possible, go out to lunch/coffee and get her face to face. If that's not possible, call her on the phone or facetime. 

Let her know you would like to plan a bachelorette party for her but you heard about her trip to Las Vegas with the other BMs and you weren't sure if she was considering that her bachelorette party. Just see what she says.

For all you know, they might be going for MOH#2's birthday and it just happens to be that group. Don't assume anything until you get information from the source. If you are old enough to (legally) party in Las Vegas, you're too old to be caught up in 2nd/3rd hand info/drama you won't take initiative to look into. 

ahoywedding

Do you know for sure the Vegas trip is her bachelorette? Ask her, in person. If it's not, ask her if she'd still like the vineyard/AC party, then work out a budget and see if that would be doable for all of the guests she'd like invited. 

Do you guys all live near each other? The year before I got married, every time I saw one of my friends who lives further away, she was like "yay let's celebrate now!" because she probably couldn't make it for my bachelorette where I live. Maybe those two figured they couldn't make it for the bachelorette in AC, or would rather celebrate without a big group?

levioosa

Honestly, this sounds like a friend trip to me. 

Ro041

sbjanuary said:

I heard this from my aunt (the bride's mother) as she called to today to let me know that we couldn't have the Bridal Shower on that weekend (we were throwing that around) because they would be going to Las Vegas that weekend. The bride did just start a group chat with everyone, so we can all contact each other, but I don't think playing dumb about a bachelorette party is going to work in my situation, as the bride's mother already told me about it. I am also totally aware about the price of AC, which was why I was trying to start planning early, but then this happened. Thank you!!

This sounds like some friends going to Vegas.  I don't hear Aunt say this is the bachelorette party.  

flantastic

Yeah, some people I know just go to Vegas with their friends. One of my really good friends goes every so often with many of the women of her family - cousins, aunts, grandma. Just because it is happening during her engagement and some of the people included are in the wedding party does not make it a de facto bachelorette. You are not being slighted and you can continue to throw out bachelorette party plans to the whole wedding party and anyone else.

[Deleted User]

Thank you all for the replies! After posting this in the heat of the moment, and then letting myself think about it for a day, I probably wouldn't be interested in going anyway (I'm not a big partier), so in a way, I'm glad I wasn't asked. I did assume it was a/the bachelorette party, only because half of the bridesmaids are going to attend, and the only common "thread" between them is the bride. However, I will ask the bride if she still wants an AC bachelorette party and go from there. Thanks!

MairePoppy

I would ask the bride if the Vegas trip is her bp before going to the trouble and expense of planning a bp.  I wonder if the bride split her bp guest list in half, one for her friends and the other for family members (you three cousins, mom, aunts...) If that's the case, you could stick with planning the shower, if you still want to do that, and forget about the bp that the had previously discussed with you.

MesmrEwe

southernbelle0915 said:

Talk to the bride. And not on the group chat. And not via text. If possible, go out to lunch/coffee and get her face to face. If that's not possible, call her on the phone or facetime. 

Let her know you would like to plan a bachelorette party for her but you heard about her trip to Las Vegas with the other BMs and you weren't sure if she was considering that her bachelorette party. Just see what she says.

For all you know, they might be going for MOH#2's birthday and it just happens to be that group. Don't assume anything until you get information from the source. If you are old enough to (legally) party in Las Vegas, you're too old to be caught up in 2nd/3rd hand info/drama you won't take initiative to look into. 

THIS!!!   Pick up the phone and go to lunch if possible!  

If it IS the Bach party - consider yourself the proud owner of $3000 you can do something else with compared to the cost of that other weekend you were about to plan.  Do not get worked up, rather enjoy the fact that you don't have to shell out more cash and can buy them the mixer instead of the toaster!