My fiancé's grandma hasn't been doing well for a while but she's been trying to make it to the wedding. Last week she took a turn and only has days left.
I've been by my fiancé's side only worrying about him and her not even thinking about anything wedding related.
She (in her medicated/delirious state) has been asking about the wedding and what she should wear and such. It's very sad knowing she won't be at the wedding (8 months away) but my fiancé is devastated knowing she won't be there.
One of my close co-workers suggested us having a ceremony for her in her hospital room. The idea briefly crossed my mind but I really don't want to have a special ceremony just for her. Having a "fake ceremony" for her seems wrong and having a "redo" ceremony for my guests seems wrong.
Am I a bitch for not wanting to move up my wedding day for her?
Re: Move up ceremony for sick grandma?
Give Grandma the respect she deserves. Express love and affection. If she wants to talk about the wedding, listen patiently. God will decide the rest.
@jen4948 yes this would be ideal (well ideal would be healthy happy Grandma at the wedding but this is not going to happen) but as @cmgragain pointed out wedding is 8 months out and she sadly has days left.
If it's most important for grandma to be there, have a wedding in the hospital. If you go that route, that was the wedding. You can still throw a party in 8 months to celebrate with everyone else, but those people missed your wedding because it wasn't as important for them to be there as it was for grandma to be there, so having bridal stuff (wedding party, "first" dance, etc.) would be inappropriate, since you'd have been married for 8 months. Your own grandma and other family wouldn't have been at your wedding, and while this situation sucks, asking you to give up their presence at your wedding is equally unfair.
So no, I don't think it's "bitchy" for you to want to change everything just for her - because it would, in fact, change everything.
etf clarity
I agree with the other PPs. Doing a "fake" ceremony for her feels uncomfortable for a reason. It's like it's infantilizing her. And you definitely don't want a "redo" for your guests.
You and your FI already have a date set and are planning a joyful day filled with your friends and family. Weddings should be happy occasions. I'm sure if your FI's grandma has lucid moments also, she would never want you all to change your plans either.
With that said, and if someone disagrees I hope they chime in, I also don't see anything wrong with answering her questions about the wedding. Using your example, if she asks what she should wear, you all could answer something like, "I think you'd look beautiful in that lavender dress you wore to X occasion."
The sad reality is that very often, grandparents aren't at the wedding because they are either deceased or too ill to attend. I understand that this is hard for your FI, but it would be better for him to grieve for his grandma when she does pass away and to give himself time to come to terms with the loss and her not being there for the wedding. Fake ceremonies, plan changes, or re-dos are not the answer.
Yes, I'm answering her questions about the wedding. She keeps saying she wants to match the bridesmaids and wear the navy/marine color they are wearing. I keep telling her that's fine. "Navy looks really pretty on you."
I've showed her pictures of me in my dress from when I tried it on when she's asked. She really wants to buy us something for the wedding so with my FMIL help we put a small list together for her to choose from.
My fiancé is just so saddened by her not being there and thinks her asking questions makes it worse. (I agree it's very sad and does hurt a little more her asking questions but I'm not going to not answer)
I keep telling my fiancé "she'll be there in spirit and she'll have the best seat in the house"
any other advice for how to console my fiancé?? I know I can't "fix" it but it hurts me so much to see him hurting this badly.
(so much that I considered moving the wedding day aka reason for this post!)
No one can prevent another person from dying if that is what is going to happen. I should know! I'm on this road, myself, right now, though I have a lot more time. It is all about sharing love, and remembering love. Wishing things were different does not help anyone.
You can be a comfort to your FI when he needs you by remembering his Grandma with love and affection. You can tell him that you are sorry for his pain and loss. You can even hold him when he cries in private. You can't change things, though.
My son is not married. If he were to come to me right now and say, "Mom! I'm marrying this girl. We are getting married NOW because we don't want you to miss the wedding!" I would not be at all happy about his decision! (Please, Dear Lord, let him find the right girl someday!)
Carry on with your wedding plans. Be kind to Grandma. Be there for your FI when he needs you. Best wishes.
It sounds like you are a really supportive person, and are well aware of his pain (and of course yours) during this difficult time. I would focus on whatever you both need to cope and grieve. Later on, as the wedding gets closer, you and FI could discuss some subtle ways to incorporate the memory of her into the day. Maybe FI could carry a handkerchief with her initials, you could play her favourite song or use her favorite flowers in your decor. These will help him feel her and her memory.
I'm sorry you are going through this terrible time, but it sounds like you are lucky to have each other to lean on.
@cmgragain he's religious-ish if that makes sense. I'm more religious than he is and I don't want to say therefore I have a easier time dealing with things like this but kind of. I don't know where else to turn except to God. When I'm going thought a loss or really anything I'll go into the adoration chapel at church and sit for however long I need. Usually I bring my "Jesus journal" with me and I'll write in it. Pray. Sitting in that silent room that has been the same since I can remember has been such a comfort to me with any changes in my life.
We prayed together last night which I think was really good. I've thought about bringing him to adoration with me but not sure if he'd like it. I'm the sit and cry type. He's the break out the punching bag type.
Grandma, what is your favorite flower? If you could pick one color, what would it be? Is there anything you would love to eat at the wedding? What song would you love to hear at our wedding?
If she can answer any of these questions, you could incorporate some of these into your wedding details. Your FI would not only have grandma with him in spirit, he would have some subtle but comforting reminders of his time with her.
I can understand that it will be hard for him to get married without her there. My cousin is about to get married, and his mother died a couple of years ago. It was incredibly sad.
There are appropriate, subtle ways to remember her at your wedding, such as saying appropriate prayers if the ceremony is religious, carrying or wearing something associated with her, having food, drinks, decorations or entertainment she would have enjoyed, and giving her a tribute in a wedding program.
I think you're doing the right thing, and not being cruel at all. His grandmother is probably aware of her situation and if she's cognizant at all would realize you guys are moving things up for her, which may end up making her just feel bad. I'm sorry you guys are going through this right before your wedding, but it sounds like you're trying to do the right thing and keeping your FI's feelings in mind.
Agreed, don't do a PPD in any degree. An idea if you're really wanting to do something is throw yourselves an engagement party at the Nursing home for the residents. This is one of those times the "NEVER throw it for yourself" can go out the window if you do something with all the residents at the nursing home with NO GIFTS, decorate the meal room up and bring cake and sparkling something or another for all the residents in her wing. It is something that would bring up the entire wing so that's why I'd give it the "F*** etiquette". Having spent a lot of time in nursing homes, they're always looking for activities that are engaging and the things you'll learn from those who were married 50+ years are amazing! Wear your RD outfit. Remember in each resident who was married is a young bride inside lost by time. Usually they'll have an activities person you can line this up through and it brings people up on all levels and lets GM be involved in an activity to mark the event.