Maybe you can make it, but time apart may help.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
I have been with my fiancé for almost four years. He’s smart, funny, generous, and attentive. He also has some problems with drinking and a wicked temper. These problems have come to a head before, with a couple of drunken tantrums over the years. This past weekend, it was worse than it’s ever been, and he put me through a wall. I’m OK physically now.

The next day, he poured out the rest of his liquor cabinet (I rarely drink) and called a counselor to help him manage his anger. I never thought I’d be the type of woman to stay in this kind of circumstance, but his actions did not make leaving less complicated. We still bought a house two months ago, we’re still getting married in February, and of course, I still love him. My question: Am I deluded for thinking we can get past this? For thinking it won’t happen again?

–Shocked and Hurt

MissKittyDanger

Honestly, I wouldn't want to make it work if I was put through a wall.
I'm sure at some point I would wonder, especially if the person is making a real effort and progress with fixing the issue but the fear, lack of trust, plus feeling like I'm walking on egg shells is exhausting.

banana468

I think she's realizing that she's stepping into a hot mess.

I would not trust myself with someone like that.   I WAS with someone with a volatile temper and there's no way that I could trust that it wouldn't continue.   

He would need to show major signs of change I would need to have a lot of faith - I'm a little to realistic to have that much faith.

charlotte989875

Call a domestic violence hotline and get some resources for yourself. It's great he's in counseling, but that's a long road ahead and one you might find you're not willing to be on with him. Abusers can change, but it takes a TON of work, and even then he might not want or be able to. Keep yourself safe first 

kvruns

I would not trust him to not do it again. Sure he will likely play nice for a while and maybe stop drinking but more than likely he will decide to start again. And when he starts again, or you even think he might be, you will be nervous that it is going to happen again. Living a life walking on eggshells is not fun and it will start to grate on her.   I know people can change and maybe he will but that is going to take a long time and it won't be an easy road. 

OliveOilsMom

If he is serious about stopping his drinking and getting help for his anger, I would potentially stay in the relationship with caveats.  First, postpone the wedding.  Second, either move out of the house entirely or move to a separate bedroom.  Third, BF must attend his counseling meetings as often as recommended.  Fourth, must also attend AA.  If BF shows and continues to show progress in his treatments, I would reconsider the marriage.  If he falters at any time, its done.

baconsmom

DTMFA. 

But I'm a bitch, so there's that. 

missJeanLouise

Move out. Postpone the wedding (at least). Get counseling. If he is serious about changing, he can do it away from you.

short+sassy

OliveOilsMom said:

If he is serious about stopping his drinking and getting help for his anger, I would potentially stay in the relationship with caveats.  First, postpone the wedding.  Second, either move out of the house entirely or move to a separate bedroom.  Third, BF must attend his counseling meetings as often as recommended.  Fourth, must also attend AA.  If BF shows and continues to show progress in his treatments, I would reconsider the marriage.  If he falters at any time, its done.

I'm with @OliveOilsMom on this.  I'm the eternal optimistic who wants to believe in people that say they are going to change.  Though not believe in them over and over.  But maybe this is the wake-up call for him.  It also sounds like this was the first time he had physically assaulted her in their 4 years together.

I'd give him another chance, but with serious and severe caveats like the post above.

And she DEFINITELY needs to postpone the wedding!!!  No question there.  February is too soon to determine if he really is able to control/stop his alcohol and control his temper.  I would want to see at least one year of positive changes, before I'd even set another date and start planning for a wedding.

*Barbie*

I wouldn't marry someone who physically abused me. (or continue in the relationship, for that matter.)

I realize that's a lot easier to say from the outside looking in, but I'm 100% DTMFA. 

My cousin had a husband that was physically abusive. I don't know when the abuse started - she got pregnant within a few months of their wedding, and left him when her son was 18mo or so. I don't know the full story (just what my mom passed along - she's closer in age to my mom than to me). He hit her at least a few different occasions - but he always seemed really good with their son, so i think she was trying to work it out with him, but also make a backup plan, in case. 
The final straw was seeing bruises on the kid on days when dad was staying home with him. She didn't have definitive proof that the dad was hitting him, but the reasoning for the bruises was suspicious. She waited for her H to leave the house for work, packed up their stuff and GTFO. Had a restraining order, got full custody, and moved across the country.