Fantasies. Are. Not. Cheating.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
I’m a 28-year-old woman in a healthy, long-term relationship with a man I love dearly. We’ve been together for more than five years, and our relationship is still great. Our sex life isn’t as fulfilling as it used to be, but we have talked about it, and we are both OK with the way it is. Before this relationship, I was with an abusive older guy for six months. It wasn’t physically abusive, but he used our age difference to dominate me. I was an adult at the time but still quite young and naïve. Our sex life was quite passionate (and kinky), but retrospectively I find that period of my life icky, to say the least. He convinced me that the age gap was “romantic,” and I thought it was pretty hot. Several years later I still think about that man when I masturbate, and I feel guilty because I’m in a relationship, and I find my ex pretty gross. I know that my ex was manipulative, that he took advantage of our age difference, and that I’m never getting back together with him. Nevertheless he’s the main character in my fantasies when I touch myself. Is that unhealthy? Am I cheating on my boyfriend?

—Confused

banana468

Sounds like she's enjoying the one thing that was enjoyable about that relationship.  

It's not cheating - but I'd probably keep that to myself.  

I would also think deeply about whether she thinks that's something missing in the relationship she's in.

MissKittyDanger

I highly doubt M thinks about me when/if he masturbates {I say if because tbh I'm not sure if he does - haven't asked}

Fantasies aren't cheating. Acting on fantasies is.

charlotte989875

It’s not cheating, but if it makes you feel bad maybe explore why you’re fantasizing about him. If you’re cool with it, keep on keeping on; but if you’re not maybe it’s time for a little self-reflection. 

short+sassy

MissKittyDanger said:

I highly doubt M thinks about me when/if he masturbates {I say if because tbh I'm not sure if he does - haven't asked}

Fantasies aren't cheating. Acting on fantasies is.

Love your comment and I'm going to use it to add.

That's what fantasies ARE.  Something different from real life. 

I would think most people are with someone, other than their SO, in their fantasies.  Not because they don't love and adore their SO, but that person is already in the best part of their life.  The real one, lol.  They don't necessarily need to fantasize about them.

The LW needs to recognize this for what it is.  Her fantasies involve the fun, good part of that relationship.  That's all.  That's perfectly fine, nothing to feel guilt about and nothing to read into.  If she also has dialogue in her fantasy, I'll guess her fantasy ex has a totally different personality from the real guy.  Because one does not imagine their fantasy guy having a sh***y personality. 

southernbelle0915

omg no, you are not cheating. Some of my most eye-roll worthy lays were some of the hottest. Now, I wouldn't go to your boyfriend and be like "I think about my ex when I masturbate." Why would you? It's personal and whatever gets you off when you're on your own, gets you off.