Wait for your cousin to confide in you.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
I recently heard from my parents that my college-age cousin has come out as trans. They heard from other family members and were told it was a secret. I’m not friends with my cousin on Facebook, but on her public profile she’s using female pronouns and a typically female variation of her name. All of this tells me that if it’s a “secret” that’s less in the sense she’s not out yet than in the sense that the family doesn’t quite know what to do with this information. My family has always been very supportive and open-minded. I’m a lesbian, and I’ve only ever seen love from my family.

I think it’s fantastic news, and I’m very happy for her. I’ll be seeing her at Thanksgiving for the first time in a year, but I’d love to reach out now and send her an email telling her that I think this is great news, I support her, I am there for her, and I can’t wait to see her at Thanksgiving. Is this appropriate, or should I wait until I see her at Thanksgiving and she comes out to everyone?  We don’t usually talk aside from when we see each other family functions.

—Caring Cousin

charlotte989875

I’d wait for her to tell you, at the family function or otherwise. At that point tell her how happy you are, that you’re there for her, and that you support her. I think if you were in contact online it’d be a different story, but since you’d have no way of knowing this info save for family chatter I’d wait for her to tell you. 

MissKittyDanger

If it's secret, don't approach cousin. Let them approach you.

It's like a pregnancy. If you know, great but keep your damn mouth shut until the person approaches you. Don't spread it, don't approach them. For all you know, you weren't suppose to know yet and someone could get upset the news has spread - supportive or not.

southernbelle0915

If she's using female pronouns publicly it doesn't sound like it's a secret. You could have heard from your family, or you could have seen her public, female orientated facebook page. 

I don't see why you can't reach out with support, honestly. Lord knows it's nice for anyone to hear "I support you" if they may be facing rejection or discrimination from others.

Ro041

I would probably friend her on Facebook and leave a comment on her wall - something along the lines of, "I can't wait to see you on Thanksgiving!  It has been forever!"  Reaching out to someone to tell them you support them doesn't have to be straightforward.  You don't have to yell "I SUPPORT YOU AND YOUR TRANSITION!!!!"  Just telling someone you look forward to seeing them acknowledges their new identity and tells them, "Hey, this isn't a big deal for me."

MyNameIsNot

I would wait until the cousin says something. She hasn't talked to this person in nearly a year, and the only reason she is even thinking of reaching out to her is because you now know she's trans. It seems a little weird to me. She's not even close enough to post happy birthday on her FB wall or send a text. It screams a little "I never cared about you but now that I know you're trans I want to be BFFs."