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Wedding Etiquette Forum
AeroGal619
member
FMIL signing FI name to Christmas cards
My future MIL asked me yesterday (Very sadly) if she could still sign her sons name to the family Christmas card. He, my fiancée, is nearly 30 years old, no longer lives with her and we are getting married in 6 months. He and I plan on sending our own Christmas cards to our guest list with our engagement photos featured.
She has had a hard time letting go of both of her grown boys (neither of which live at home) and I don't want to take away the small things, but I find it strange that she's signing their names to the Christmas card, considering their age. It's time for he and I to start our family and represent separately. Even if he wasn't engaged, I think 30 years old is a little aged to be included on the family Christmas card.
I think if she signed the card 'Love, the Smith family' that would be fine, but she wants to list their names.
Christmas is all about warm greetings and celebrating the birth of Christ and family so I don't want to make a huge issue. But I want to establish some small boundaries and I thought maybe this would be a gentle place to start?
Thoughts?
She has had a hard time letting go of both of her grown boys (neither of which live at home) and I don't want to take away the small things, but I find it strange that she's signing their names to the Christmas card, considering their age. It's time for he and I to start our family and represent separately. Even if he wasn't engaged, I think 30 years old is a little aged to be included on the family Christmas card.
I think if she signed the card 'Love, the Smith family' that would be fine, but she wants to list their names.
Christmas is all about warm greetings and celebrating the birth of Christ and family so I don't want to make a huge issue. But I want to establish some small boundaries and I thought maybe this would be a gentle place to start?
Thoughts?
Re: FMIL signing FI name to Christmas cards
Why did she ask you, and not your FI?
I can't imagine you'd have identical card lists though- maybe a compromise is keeping his name on the ones that aren't going to the same people on your list. But, I think she should stop completely. Cut the cord, MIL!
Also, where is your FI in this, what does he want?
Agreed with @charlotte989875 , what does your FI think?
I do agree he shouldn't be on it, but might be easier for him to tell her instead. That way he can tell her in a way she needs to hear it without her getting upset {yep, there's 100% chance she'll be upset about this}
@AeroGal619, I'd tell your FMIL to ask your FI. The real answer is "no" but the bigger answer is pick your battles.
You can still send out Christmas cards from the two of you and sign your names together. He's not an income tax deduction. His name can be signed twice.
I don't think including pictures or news is weird, but I do think signing other adult's names to a card is weird.
First off, I'd find out what my FI thinks. She should have asked him to begin with, but that ship has sailed.
I would follow his cue but, if my opinion were asked, I'd tell him that "even though I think it's a bit odd, let her have this". I'm assuming this will be her one, last season to face that the family dynamics are changing. And, by next year, it won't even be an issue anymore and she automatically won't include his name.
...Or she'll sign both of your names
, lol. JK (hopefully). Like other PPs have mentioned, I wouldn't give a second thought to receiving a X-mas card from you all and also one from his mother, with his name also signed on it.
So your FMIL’s request alone wouldn’t fall into “pick your battles” territory bc I don’t consider that a battle. The more the merrier. BUT, if it’s coupled with other can’t let go behavior, that’s a problem. Also a problem would be if FMIL doesn’t also sign your name when you’re a part of the family.
I'd tell her that you and your FI are planning to send your own cards together but suggest that she ask FI if he's ok with it. If he is, then I'd ask him to ask her to include you in her cards. If she says no to that, then I think he needs to tell her that she needs to leave him off her cards and you two send your own cards together.
ETA: However, she doesn't sign my grandparents names, even though they have lived with my parents since my grandpa's Alzheimer's worsened.
I'd tell her "He's in charge of what to do with his own name not me, haha! Last we talked about it we were planning to send out cards together from the two of us, but you can ask him if he wants to be on your card, too."
And, when you talk to your FI to give him a heads up that his mom is going to ask him this, you might want to ask your FI to remind his mom that the two of you are a pair now, and that you'll be married soon, so she should consider adding your name also if she wants to send cards from her whole family.
I agree it's not a hill to die on, but it does set some precedent. I remember being at my now-husband's house for Christmas one year, and his parents got excited because they could get a picture "of the whole family!" in front of the christmas tree...because I was there to take it from them. It was very awkward. Luckily my husband was like, "let's get some with her in them too".
As far as I know there's no rule about transmitting your Christmas greetings through one source only. I find it baffling that anyone would care either way.
*If she does opt to continue signing off each family member you should be included too. I would find it weird for her to write "From FIL, MIL, DH, and BIL" if your future husband and his brother both had wives and/or kids of their own. But even this is not an issue I'd bring up with her. I'd just raise by eyebrows and set the card on the mantle with the rest.
I pulled out my old cards. Phew. I guess I stopped including their names once they married. However, the first year my first grandchild was born, I noticed I did include everyone's name on that card. I am guessing it is because it did include a "whole family photo", and I did it more as a "who's who" versus actual signature. I feel similar to @ILoveBeachMusic. I think the implication is more a listing of people in the photo versus who the card is "from".
@MandyMost, DD's MIL deliberately tries to keep my daughter out of photos. In fact, in her Christmas card/letter, MIL not only mentioned the birth of her grandson without mentioning my DD (the woman who birthed said grandson), she also stated that they enjoyed having Thanksgiving with their son and grandchildren. There was again NO mention of the fact that the dinner was prepared by my DD. DD just practices "giving MIL up for Lent" 365 days a year!
DD has tried taking the high road with SIL's family but to no avail. In the beginning, they "pretended" to like her and appeared to be all about inclusivity. But over the years true colors have shone through. It makes me feel irrationally guilty when SIL calls me for things that he could easily use as an excuse to call his own mother. I'm just grateful he and my DD are on the same page. And, true to her nature, MIL always denies any wrongdoing and says DD and her son "must be misunderstanding".
He would have rathered her stop putting his name on Christmas cards years ago- not because he doesn't want to wish every Merry Christmas, but because her level of over-mothering is a constant source of stress and annoyance to him. She asked me because he was in another room and I'm sure my answer to her would be much more polite than his, because he has no patience for the way she treats him.
I don't believe she has intention of signing my name, but we are not yet married. She is really a wonderful lady and is very good to me. Her motive is not to exclude me or agitate him-- its just a by-product of many years of her sons allowing her to baby them and let it go.
Like I said, if she signed it 'Love, the Smith Family' and included a big family photo, that would be okay. Theres just something about signing your grown sons name that stood out.
THanks all!
MobKaz said: OMG! My DD's MIL does the same damn thing. Her whole side of the family does this to their ILs. When they take photos at family events, they request only the blood relatives pose for the photos. On their first visit 'out there' after their wedding, my daughter, who thought she was now family, was asked to step out of the photo. My daughter felt so insulted. She said IF she ever has a child, she will not allow the child in the photos.
I think my SILs sister straightened this out after she married. I notice that my DD and the sister's husband have been included in recent photos. And they don't even stand them on the end so they can be photoshopped out. LOL
But this if your FI to decide, not you, so I'd re-direct her to him.
The biggest kicker was when the "great grandpa", who is the great grandma's second husband, told my daughter she was not family. Seriously? The only other person NOT family is telling her this?
Sadly, DD's MIL has no clue that for a long time, the ONLY reason they were in "the loop" regarding the grandkids was because my DD took the time to update. It was DD who started a "cloud" sharing photo link. It was DD who would send the great grandparents updates/pictures. It was DD who would remind SIL that it was "someone's" birthday, or "have you spoken to your mom recently?".
Needless to day, DD has stopped doing that. Of course, it took a while for MIL to even notice in her self absorbed world.