Wedding Woes

You want a PPD. Admit it and deal with the fallout.

Dear Prudence,

My fiancé and I are wild about each other! We’ve set a wedding date for spring 2018 to allow our more distant loved ones time to plan their travels. For tax-related and so-in-love-we-can’t-stand-waiting reasons, we’d like to elope before the end of the year. We’re torn on whether to keep it a secret. He’s taking my last name, and he works as a wedding photographer, so we think it would make more sense to do his public name change in advance of wedding season. Would it be rude to our guests to elope and then invite them to the party in the spring? Our families are not big travelers and they’ve never visited us even though we live in a popular destination city. Our decision to have a wedding at all was largely informed by our desire to get our families out to see us. They’re pretty old-fashioned, and I could see them thinking there’s no point in coming out for a wedding if the papers have already been signed. Does it take the wind out of the celebratory sails to get hitched first and party later?

—Can We Elope?

Re: You want a PPD. Admit it and deal with the fallout.

  • edited November 9
    mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,

    My fiancé and I are wild about each other! We’ve set a wedding date for spring 2018 to allow our more distant loved ones time to plan their travels. For tax-related financial benefits and so-in-love-we-can’t-stand-waiting relatively immature reasons, we’d like to elope before the end of the year. We’re torn on whether to keep it a secret lie to our closest friends and family. He’s taking my last name, and he works as a wedding photographer, so we think it would make more sense to do his public name change in advance of wedding season. Would it be rude to our guests to elope (and lie about it) and then invite them to pay thousands for travel to attend the party which we lead them to believe is an actual wedding in the spring? Our families are not big travelers and they’ve never visited us even though we live in a popular destination city. Our decision to have a wedding at all was largely informed by our desire to get our families out to see us, so now we just want to lie to them so they'll come thinking they're witnessing a life milestone. They’re pretty old-fashioned, and I could see them thinking there’s no point in coming out for a wedding if the papers have already been signed. Does it take the wind out of the celebratory sails to get hitched first and party later?

    —Can We Elope?

    If you KNOW what you're doing is shitty - and you KNOW if you're writing in to Prudie with garbage like this - don't do it. 

    Elope and invite people for a party if you want, but don't lie and pretend it's a wedding when it's not. FFS.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    mrsconn23STARMOON44
  • OMG, beyond what The Knot taught me...I've "married" at least 2 couples who did this shit.  First of all, I was peeved because my "personalized written ceremony" ended up not really feeling like it meant a damn thing.  Secondly, all families involved end up being PISSED.  I had to listen to some seriously snarky speeches at receptions afterwards.  I have no doubt in my mind, that those people still would've been there to celebrate, they just didn't like being fooled.

    Stop the  madness.
    charlotte989875lovesclimbingSP29
  • Girl, please.  Nobody visits us, so we're going to throw a fake wedding.  WTF?!?!

    How nice you live in such a "fabulous and popular" destination town.  So do I and I bet mine's better (this letter is making me snarky, lol).

    Sorry your family's dislike of travel and/or other reasons means they have chosen to not visit you all.  I wish my family would visit more often also. 

    But I didn't throw a fake wedding to try and strongly persuade people to come and enjoy the delights of Bourbon St.  They are welcome to come anytime they would like and know that.

    How silly of me to let them make their own decisions on when/if they want to visit, lol.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    InLoveInQueenssouthernbelle0915STARMOON44SP29
  • For tax-related and so-in-love-we-can’t-stand-waiting reasons, we’d like to elope before the end of the year. 

    So the people who waited to get married (like us) aren't as in love as them I guess?
    Apparently not.
    <iframe width="350" height="240" src="https://w2.countingdownto.com/1982415" frameborder="0"></iframe>
  • I read this question this morning during breakfast and couldn't wait to get here to see everyone's take here on it. I need more popcorn!
    short+sassyMissKittyDangercharlotte989875
  • For tax-related and so-in-love-we-can’t-stand-waiting reasons, we’d like to elope before the end of the year. 

    So the people who waited to get married (like us) aren't as in love as them I guess?

    Of course not!  What's romantic about practicality, wisdom, and not being rude to your nearest and dearest? //sarcasm.

    It just occurred to me.  I wonder if this couple is in some Duggar-like conservative religion, where they can't have sex, kiss, and/or live together until they are married.  Not an excuse, but could explain some of the impatient attitude.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    charlotte989875SP29
  • For tax-related and so-in-love-we-can’t-stand-waiting reasons, we’d like to elope before the end of the year. 

    So the people who waited to get married (like us) aren't as in love as them I guess?

    Of course not!  What's romantic about practicality, wisdom, and not being rude to your nearest and dearest? //sarcasm.

    It just occurred to me.  I wonder if this couple is in some Duggar-like conservative religion, where they can't have sex, kiss, and/or live together until they are married.  Not an excuse, but could explain some of the impatient attitude.

    Kind of like the Duggar's relationships?
    <iframe width="350" height="240" src="https://w2.countingdownto.com/1982415" frameborder="0"></iframe>
  • I don't love Prudie's response.  Especially the, "You make your own rules!" part.  Yeah, fuck etiquette!  :eyeroll:

    I am going to let you in on a trade secret: Pretty much everything about weddings is totally made up. As long as you’re not being a total jerk, you get to make your own rules! If it helps to think of your choice as being safely within the herd of common consensus, then yes, I’ve certainly heard of (and known a few) couples who eloped several months or even a year before their public wedding ceremony, and everything worked out just fine. That’s not to say you might not ruffle a few feathers, but I’ve yet to hear of a wedding where no one got at least a little miffed about how the couple in question arranged things. You can try to keep the elopement under wraps, of course, especially since it’ll only be for a few months, but if your plan is to update your husband’s website and business cards, I think you should save yourself the hassle of trying to spin a web of lies. Whether or not you’re actually signing documents on the day of the ceremony isn’t really the point—you’re celebrating the fact that the two of you have decided to commit to one another and you’d like your parents to be there. If that’s what’s important to you, tell them that what really matters is that you all get to be in the same room at the same time, celebrating your new marriage. And congratulations!
  • I'd love to see the tirade of responses that Prudie gets.

    One of our close friends did this.   We were aware from the start about what was going on.   I was vocal to DH about my dislike and it didn't bother him although he understood my viewpoint.   I have HUGE issues with strangers at the IRS knowing your marital status but you feel the need to lie to the person you kicked from the inside for 9 mos.   Not cool.
    short+sassycharlotte989875SP29
  • GBCKGBCK
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    member
    things that are a matter of public record have a habit of coming out someday
    short+sassy
  • kvruns said:
    I got married and owed on taxes for the first time in my life. So don't think getting married is some automatic tax haven

    And don't even try to justify it with getting his name out in public or whatever. If he already has a following with his photography I would think he would keep his old name for professional reasons if nothing else. 
    Right?! Doesn't it make much more sense to go ahead and start withholding 'as married' or however you want to do it in January of 2018 (because the gov't doesn't care HOW you withhold as long as your taxes get paid) instead of dealing with getting married in 2017 on your 2018 taxes?
    image
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    Yea, it doesn't do that much for taxes, imo. The first two years, it was great! I was still in college, so got a big tax break. My H was so excited! He was getting money back for the first time in several years. Single male and all that. Anyway, after college, yea, the bill went up. It's going to be
    biiiig this year because of my husband running his own business this summer. Thank goodness we decided to have a kid this year, lol! That'll help!

    Emily was much better when it came it wedding etiquette. I miss her. 

    short+sassy
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    member
    H and i still filed separately on our first year.  It costed more to file jointly.  I did not get a tax benefit either and don't expect one next year!

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