Unique Name Change Dilemma: Mother's Maiden Name as Middle Name

knottie2ddb4175c25e9c51

Hello!

This is my first post in a forum, really ever. I am hoping that I could get some valuable feedback on this issue, since I haven't been able to find any examples on here of women in my current predicament, but I am sure there are people out there! Thank you in advance for reading and helping.

My mother and father are still married, but my mother kept her maiden name at marriage. They named me with my mother's last name as my middle name, and my father's last name as my last name (Nicola MothersLastName FathersLastName). It is not a hyphenated name--my mother's name is my legal middle name.

I want to take my husband's last name when we get married in January 2019, and I am not sure what to do. Since I don't have a traditional middle name, it seems as though my options are to either have 4 names (not ideal, especially since I live in California where a court order is required to do so), or choose between my mother and my father's name. I would prefer to be Nicola FathersLastName HusbandsLastName, simply because I prefer the way it sounds, and I identify more strongly with it, but I know that this would really upset my mother, with whom I am very close.

When I first floated the idea of changing my name at all to my mother, she wasn't pleased. I think she was hoping I would keep my name exactly as is, which I know sounds untraditional, but there is nothing traditional about my mother. She said something along the lines of "Oh for goodness sake, at LEAST keep your name!". She loves my fiancé very much, so it's not an issue with anything other than personal philosophy I suppose. She has even mentioned how she gave me her name as a way of attaching her lineage to me, which shows that she has given this some thought, and it is very important to her. I don't know how to tell her that I would be shedding her last name without really hurting her. In general, my mother highly values my independence and hardly ever gives strong opinions about matters that are my own choice, unless I ask her. This issue just seems to be an exception for her.

I guess I have a lot of anxiety about this since the idea of having 4 names sounds like a logistical nightmare, but the idea of shedding my mother's last name sounds like an emotional nightmare. I know that I will need to just talk to them about this openly, but I guess I'm not ready yet, and I wanted to see if anyone has any light to shed. What do you think?

TLDR: My middle name is my mother's last name, and my last name is my father's last name (they are still married), so I am not sure what to do when I take my husband's last name at marriage.

sparklepants41

knottie2ddb4175c25e9c51 said:

Hello!

This is my first post in a forum, really ever. I am hoping that I could get some valuable feedback on this issue, since I haven't been able to find any examples on here of women in my current predicament, but I am sure there are people out there! Thank you in advance for reading and helping.

My mother and father are still married, but my mother kept her maiden name at marriage. They named me with my mother's last name as my middle name, and my father's last name as my last name (Nicola MothersLastName FathersLastName). It is not a hyphenated name--my mother's name is my legal middle name.

I want to take my husband's last name when we get married in January 2019, and I am not sure what to do. Since I don't have a traditional middle name, it seems as though my options are to either have 4 names (not ideal, especially since I live in California where a court order is required to do so), or choose between my mother and my father's name. I would prefer to be Nicola FathersLastName HusbandsLastName, simply because I prefer the way it sounds, and I identify more strongly with it, but I know that this would really upset my mother, with whom I am very close.

When I first floated the idea of changing my name at all to my mother, she wasn't pleased. I think she was hoping I would keep my name exactly as is, which I know sounds untraditional, but there is nothing traditional about my mother. She said something along the lines of "Oh for goodness sake, at LEAST keep your name!". She loves my fiancé very much, so it's not an issue with anything other than personal philosophy I suppose. She has even mentioned how she gave me her name as a way of attaching her lineage to me, which shows that she has given this some thought, and it is very important to her. I don't know how to tell her that I would be shedding her last name without really hurting her. In general, my mother highly values my independence and hardly ever gives strong opinions about matters that are my own choice, unless I ask her. This issue just seems to be an exception for her.

I guess I have a lot of anxiety about this since the idea of having 4 names sounds like a logistical nightmare, but the idea of shedding my mother's last name sounds like an emotional nightmare. I know that I will need to just talk to them about this openly, but I guess I'm not ready yet, and I wanted to see if anyone has any light to shed. What do you think?

TLDR: My middle name is my mother's last name, and my last name is my father's last name (they are still married), so I am not sure what to do when I take my husband's last name at marriage.

My cousin was in a similar situation. Her mother married my paternal uncle and took his last name - but gave both of her children her maiden name as their middle name. So (to make it less confusing I am giving her fake names) my cousin was born Anna Smith Jones and her brother was born John Smith Jones. When my cousin got married she felt more affinity toward her mother's maiden name than her own, but didn't want to change her name too much to avoid a lot of confusion in her professional life, so she kept her original middle name - my aunt's maiden name - as an initial. So she became Anna S. Jones Miller. I'm not sure how she did that on the legal paperwork - although I suspect she is legally Anna Jones Miller, but goes by Anna S. Jones Miller unofficially. 

Hope this helps!

charlotte989875

knottie2ddb4175c25e9c51 said:

Hello!

This is my first post in a forum, really ever. I am hoping that I could get some valuable feedback on this issue, since I haven't been able to find any examples on here of women in my current predicament, but I am sure there are people out there! Thank you in advance for reading and helping.

My mother and father are still married, but my mother kept her maiden name at marriage. They named me with my mother's last name as my middle name, and my father's last name as my last name (Nicola MothersLastName FathersLastName). It is not a hyphenated name--my mother's name is my legal middle name.

I want to take my husband's last name when we get married in January 2019, and I am not sure what to do. Since I don't have a traditional middle name, it seems as though my options are to either have 4 names (not ideal, especially since I live in California where a court order is required to do so), or choose between my mother and my father's name. I would prefer to be Nicola FathersLastName HusbandsLastName, simply because I prefer the way it sounds, and I identify more strongly with it, but I know that this would really upset my mother, with whom I am very close.

When I first floated the idea of changing my name at all to my mother, she wasn't pleased. I think she was hoping I would keep my name exactly as is, which I know sounds untraditional, but there is nothing traditional about my mother. She said something along the lines of "Oh for goodness sake, at LEAST keep your name!". She loves my fiancé very much, so it's not an issue with anything other than personal philosophy I suppose. She has even mentioned how she gave me her name as a way of attaching her lineage to me, which shows that she has given this some thought, and it is very important to her. I don't know how to tell her that I would be shedding her last name without really hurting her. In general, my mother highly values my independence and hardly ever gives strong opinions about matters that are my own choice, unless I ask her. This issue just seems to be an exception for her.

I guess I have a lot of anxiety about this since the idea of having 4 names sounds like a logistical nightmare, but the idea of shedding my mother's last name sounds like an emotional nightmare. I know that I will need to just talk to them about this openly, but I guess I'm not ready yet, and I wanted to see if anyone has any light to shed. What do you think?

TLDR: My middle name is my mother's last name, and my last name is my father's last name (they are still married), so I am not sure what to do when I take my husband's last name at marriage.

I'd say just because it's important to her, doesn't mean it has to be important to you. It is your name, but you get to decide for yourself what that is.

For the second bolded; do you really? I mean, do you actually have to discuss your name change with your family? It's your choice and you should do what you want. If it is 4 names, if it's keeping your name as is, if it's picking a new middle name; whatever it is, if you want it that's the important thing. 

As for advice; I have an advanced degree I obtained under my maiden name (which I've published under, developed a professional reputation, etc. ). My husband was in the same field. So I went the 4 names route; Charlotte Mary MaidenName Husband'sLast Name. With MaidenName and Mary as two middle names. It hasn't really caused any logistical problems for me, and has made it easy to share my name with my husband and still have the career under my maiden name. But it also didn't require any additional legal documents to do so. 

CMGragain

Your parents decided that you would have the name that you do.  Now you get to decide whether or not you want to change it.  Traditionally, women took their husband's last name, and this last name was passed on to  their children.  In this case, what your parents did was very traditional.
You can choose to be traditional and change your last name to your husband's last name, or you can choose to keep you name as it is.  Completely your choice.  Your middle name has nothing to do with it.  Many people have their mother's maiden name as their middle name.  My father did.

banana468

I think you can take your mom's opinion under advisement but you also need to do you.   If your mother is an incredibly independent person then hopefully she's proud to want to raise someone to make her own choice versus raise someone who makes HER choices.   KWIM?  

You need to weigh what you're wanting here but I also think it's important to weigh how you want to be known.   Most of the time you'll be a first name and a last name and an additional middle name or two are not often in there. 

Your choice may not be something that mom wants but this is YOUR NAME.   Think long and hard about it and ultimately choose what you think is best.   

MandyMost

Have you considered hyphenating anything? Mary Smith Jones could get married and become Mary Smith Jones-Johnson, for example. 

The fact that you want to keep your last name instead of giving it up completely is telling--before talking to anyone else about your name options, think about what you ultimately want. If the easiest choice for you is to keep your name exactly as it is and not take your husband's name, that's fine. It can be out of convenience, or to avoid family drama, or to make a point, or because you like your name, or any other reason--there is no right or wrong reason to keep your name. 

short+sassy

Eek, my heart goes out to you on this.

Bottom line, you get to choose whichever name(s) are the most comfortable for you.

But I do have to admit that I find it odd that you want to change your middle name to your father's last name.  Only because your mother's last name is and has already been your middle name.  Just my own personal thought, but I understand that is not your preference.  Hence the dilemma.

I don't think there is a way to change your middle name to your father's last name without really hurting your mother.  The best I could suggest is to think about WHY you identify more with your father's name than hers.  Maybe those reasons could help you better explain it to your mother.  Though they might just make it worse.

Another suggestion is to use all four names socially...which won't even come up that often, but might make your mom feel better.  But legally, have only one middle name.  Either your father's or your mother's.

For example, I got married FOUR years ago.  I keep meaning to change my last name to my H's.  Yet I still haven't.  Because it will be a giant, time consuming PITA.  Involving hours at two different government offices.  And that's just to start with, lol.  So, I've been using his last name socially, but resigned myself to just keeping my maiden name legally at the present time.

As an aside, my cousin hyphenated her maiden name and her H's name after they got married.  She really regrets that.  Her last name won't fit properly on her passport and it has occasionally caused her problems with international travel.  So, I hear ya.  A really long legal name, ie two middle names, could potentially be a PITA. 

knottie2ddb4175c25e9c51

I guess my thinking is that MY maiden name (which is my father's last name) would become my middle name. This is a tradition that many women in my family have already done, but in their case, they had middle names that weren't attached to anyone (like Edith or Elizabeth), so no one's feelings were hurt when they legally nixed them. Additionally, in a very surface-level way, my mother's last name is quite generic, whereas my current last name is very unique. I prefer unique names to generic ones.

Thank you for your honest input!

missJeanLouise

I have a friend who used her maiden name as her daughter’s first name. It was also tradition in my family to give the last name we lost at Ellis island as the middle name to the boys. My point is, there are ways to honor, carry on, whatever, your mothers name without taking it yourself.

knottie2ddb4175c25e9c51

banana468 said:

I think you can take your mom's opinion under advisement but you also need to do you.   If your mother is an incredibly independent person then hopefully she's proud to want to raise someone to make her own choice versus raise someone who makes HER choices.   KWIM?  

You need to weigh what you're wanting here but I also think it's important to weigh how you want to be known.   Most of the time you'll be a first name and a last name and an additional middle name or two are not often in there. 

Your choice may not be something that mom wants but this is YOUR NAME.   Think long and hard about it and ultimately choose what you think is best.   

Thank you so much for this comment. This is very helpful and something I admittedly hadn't considered. I will still need to make some tough decisions, but you are absolutely right that I don't think she would want me allowing someone else (even her) to make these decisions for me.

southernbelle0915

This is a personal choice. What if you ask your mom and she expresses wanting you to keep her name? What then? Do you do what you want? If so, why ask her at all?

I would just make the decision and inform people what it is. 

I know TONS of people who are just adding their husband's last name as their own and then having two middle names. So like Sophie Middle Last HusbandLast. It's not an odd thing to do anymore. Plus how often do you need to tell people what your middle name(s) is/are? Maybe like DMV? A new doctor's office paperwork? Those few extra letters aren't going to bother you very often at all.

kahluakoala

Do you plan to have kids? If so, you could keep your mother's maiden name as your middle, but plan to give your kids your maiden name as their middle, thus getting to hold onto your name in your legacy? 

I actually have a similar dilemma so I feel you (mom gave me a sentimental name from HER family for my middle, want to change my name but make my own last name (my dad's) my middle, don't know what would be best) but have no idea what I'm actually going to do.

lightningsnow

missJeanLouise said:

I have a friend who used her maiden name as her daughter’s first name. It was also tradition in my family to give the last name we lost at Ellis island as the middle name to the boys. My point is, there are ways to honor, carry on, whatever, your mothers name without taking it yourself.

One of my cousin's did the bolded with her son. It was a great way of keeping the last name in the family.

That being said, OP, you aren't getting married for another year plus. You have plenty of time to think this over. I think you should do what feels more comfortable for you, not what your mother thinks. I just got engaged myself and I've thought on the whole name change for years and I'm still not sure what I want to do. Ultimately, it's your decision and your decision only.

ei34

My middle name is my mother’s maiden name.   It still is even though I’m married.  Your middle name doesn’t change when get married.  
If you want to take your FI’s last name when you marry, take it.  And any bride to be that chooses to hyphenate her last name and her new husband’s name will have four names, whether the middle name is Anne or Smith.

Jen4948

It's entirely up to you what your name is and whether or not you change the order of the names or hyphenate them. Your mother may not like it, but ultimately it's not up to her.

If you want to become Mrs. Husband'sFirst Husband'sLast, then that's your name. Or if you want to be Mrs. Nicola Mother'sLast Husband'sLast. Or any other combination.

My own last name is my father's last name. It's been an annoying joke all my life. But my grandmother, mother, and SIL all chose to be "Mrs. Lastname" when they married into our family. And in fact, it's been my last name so long that if I ever marry, it would be hard for me to change my name, both personally and professionally. So I probably would keep my name, at least professionally, if I ever do marry.

MissKittyDanger

I have seen people change the maiden name into the middle name.

Honestly, I got married in 2015 and still haven't changed my last name. I can't make a decision on keeping, hyphenating, etc. You don't have to decide right away, it's something you have to like as well so if you need to take time to figure out what the best option is - do it.

lovesclimbing

I think you should do what you want. Personally, I'm not a fan of parents giving multiple last names to their children unless they don't get upsetif their kid chooses to change it. I have an acquaintance who was given both parents' last names. She did not want four names when she got married and wanted to change her name to her H's. When she told her parents she was going to change her last name, both parents insisted that she not drop their name. The parents had a generally good marriage but got into some serious arguments with each other over it. It was not fun for her. 

I gave my daughter my middle name as hers. It is also my mom's and grandmother's middle name. If she decides when she's getting married that she wants to drop it and have her current last name as her middle and take her husband's last name, I admit I would be disappointed. But I know it's her decision and she can do what she wants, and I won't get offended or upset over it.

STARMOON44

I think you should keep all of your names! I️ just can’t fathom why so many women are still giving theirs up.  But ultimately it’s up to you. You get to do what you want, your mother might be hurt. 

charlotte989875

STARMOON44 said:

I think you should keep all of your names! I️ just can’t fathom why so many women are still giving theirs up.  But ultimately it’s up to you. You get to do what you want, your mother might be hurt. 

Because they want to? I hear this so freakin often, especially from feminists, and honestly I think it's a little condescending. Like "how can you be a feminist/advocate/progressive and take a man's last name". 

I took my H's last name. I had my reasons. But it doesn't make me any less of a feminist. It doesn't make me any less of an advocate for myself or other women. And it doesn't make me property of my husband. Do I think the default should be keeping your own name? Yes, actually I do. But the "why in the world would women still do this?!" doesn't progress us any further. 

MissKittyDanger

charlotte989875 said:

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STARMOON44 said:

I think you should keep all of your names! I️ just can’t fathom why so many women are still giving theirs up.  But ultimately it’s up to you. You get to do what you want, your mother might be hurt. 

Because they want to? I hear this so freakin often, especially from feminists, and honestly I think it's a little condescending. Like "how can you be a feminist/advocate/progressive and take a man's last name". 

I took my H's last name. I had my reasons. But it doesn't make me any less of a feminist. It doesn't make me any less of an advocate for myself or other women. And it doesn't make me property of my husband. Do I think the default should be keeping your own name? Yes, actually I do. But the "why in the world would women still do this?!" doesn't progress us any further. 

100% this!

My boss changed her last name when she got married the first time because she wanted to disassociate from certain family. When she then divorced, she proudly took her last name back {things had changed - idk}

One coworker never changed her last name, yet another coworker did.

STARMOON44

charlotte989875 said:

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STARMOON44 said:

I think you should keep all of your names! I️ just can’t fathom why so many women are still giving theirs up.  But ultimately it’s up to you. You get to do what you want, your mother might be hurt. 

Because they want to? I hear this so freakin often, especially from feminists, and honestly I think it's a little condescending. Like "how can you be a feminist/advocate/progressive and take a man's last name". 

I took my H's last name. I had my reasons. But it doesn't make me any less of a feminist. It doesn't make me any less of an advocate for myself or other women. And it doesn't make me property of my husband. Do I think the default should be keeping your own name? Yes, actually I do. But the "why in the world would women still do this?!" doesn't progress us any further. 

Did I  say it makes you property of your husband? Nope. And I don’t believe it does. I just think it’s crazy that it’s still the norm.  Just because you are, generally, a feminist doesn’t mean every choice you make is a feminist choice. 

flantastic

STARMOON44 said:

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charlotte989875 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I think you should keep all of your names! I️ just can’t fathom why so many women are still giving theirs up.  But ultimately it’s up to you. You get to do what you want, your mother might be hurt. 

Because they want to? I hear this so freakin often, especially from feminists, and honestly I think it's a little condescending. Like "how can you be a feminist/advocate/progressive and take a man's last name". 

I took my H's last name. I had my reasons. But it doesn't make me any less of a feminist. It doesn't make me any less of an advocate for myself or other women. And it doesn't make me property of my husband. Do I think the default should be keeping your own name? Yes, actually I do. But the "why in the world would women still do this?!" doesn't progress us any further. 

Did I  say it makes you property of your husband? Nope. And I don’t believe it does. I just think it’s crazy that it’s still the norm.  Just because you are, generally, a feminist doesn’t mean every choice you make is a feminist choice. 

I mean, our reason was that everyone in our nuclear family (knowing and assuming we would have kids) would have the same last name, uniting us as our own family. It could have gone the other way and we'd all be using my maiden name. When the kids start their own family with a spouse, they're welcome to do what's best for their family. I think that's a good enough reason. Who the fuck cares?

To the OP - I have two legal middle names, the second of which is my maiden name. I saw no reason to totally give it up, and I like my middle name, so wasn't going to get rid of that either. The social security office was not difficult about it. Logistically, it has yet to come up (government forms and so forth) and I was married in 2014, so I can't speak to that. If there's only space for one middle name or middle initial I go with the first one, i.e. my original middle name and initial. Sometimes I use X.Y., like in my new email address.

STARMOON44

flantastic said:

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STARMOON44 said:

charlotte989875 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I think you should keep all of your names! I️ just can’t fathom why so many women are still giving theirs up.  But ultimately it’s up to you. You get to do what you want, your mother might be hurt. 

Because they want to? I hear this so freakin often, especially from feminists, and honestly I think it's a little condescending. Like "how can you be a feminist/advocate/progressive and take a man's last name". 

I took my H's last name. I had my reasons. But it doesn't make me any less of a feminist. It doesn't make me any less of an advocate for myself or other women. And it doesn't make me property of my husband. Do I think the default should be keeping your own name? Yes, actually I do. But the "why in the world would women still do this?!" doesn't progress us any further. 

Did I  say it makes you property of your husband? Nope. And I don’t believe it does. I just think it’s crazy that it’s still the norm.  Just because you are, generally, a feminist doesn’t mean every choice you make is a feminist choice. 

I mean, our reason was that everyone in our nuclear family (knowing and assuming we would have kids) would have the same last name, uniting us as our own family. It could have gone the other way and we'd all be using my maiden name. When the kids start their own family with a spouse, they're welcome to do what's best for their family. I think that's a good enough reason. Who the fuck cares?

To the OP - I have two legal middle names, the second of which is my maiden name. I saw no reason to totally give it up, and I like my middle name, so wasn't going to get rid of that either. The social security office was not difficult about it. Logistically, it has yet to come up (government forms and so forth) and I was married in 2014, so I can't speak to that. If there's only space for one middle name or middle initial I go with the first one, i.e. my original middle name and initial. Sometimes I use X.Y., like in my new email address.

It could have gone the other way, but it didn’t. And it usually doesn’t. 

sparklepants41

charlotte989875 said:

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STARMOON44 said:

I think you should keep all of your names! I️ just can’t fathom why so many women are still giving theirs up.  But ultimately it’s up to you. You get to do what you want, your mother might be hurt. 

Because they want to? I hear this so freakin often, especially from feminists, and honestly I think it's a little condescending. Like "how can you be a feminist/advocate/progressive and take a man's last name". 

I took my H's last name. I had my reasons. But it doesn't make me any less of a feminist. It doesn't make me any less of an advocate for myself or other women. And it doesn't make me property of my husband. Do I think the default should be keeping your own name? Yes, actually I do. But the "why in the world would women still do this?!" doesn't progress us any further. 

This. We have the choice of whether or not we want to change our names. 

For example, my mother took my father's last name in 1977 when they got married. She did so because her maiden name was a Hungarian name with 11 letters and four syllables (and that was the version that was shortened by Ellis Island!!) and she was sick and tired of having to spell her name for everyone. 

I took my H's last name because while I love my maiden name, my first name honestly just sounds better with his last name. 

short+sassy

sparklepants41 said:

This. We have the choice of whether or not we want to change our names. 

For example, my mother took my father's last name in 1977 when they got married. She did so because her maiden name was a Hungarian name with 11 letters and four syllables (and that was the version that was shortened by Ellis Island!!) and she was sick and tired of having to spell her name for everyone. 

I took my H's last name because while I love my maiden name, my first name honestly just sounds better with his last name. 

I have a male acquaintance who took his wife's name when they got married, because his name was also long, foreign sounding, and hard to spell. 

I realize it is not totally unheard of for a man to take his wife's name, but it is unusual and it was refreshing to see people who considered this option.

MissKittyDanger

sparklepants41 said:

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charlotte989875 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I think you should keep all of your names! I️ just can’t fathom why so many women are still giving theirs up.  But ultimately it’s up to you. You get to do what you want, your mother might be hurt. 

Because they want to? I hear this so freakin often, especially from feminists, and honestly I think it's a little condescending. Like "how can you be a feminist/advocate/progressive and take a man's last name". 

I took my H's last name. I had my reasons. But it doesn't make me any less of a feminist. It doesn't make me any less of an advocate for myself or other women. And it doesn't make me property of my husband. Do I think the default should be keeping your own name? Yes, actually I do. But the "why in the world would women still do this?!" doesn't progress us any further. 

This. We have the choice of whether or not we want to change our names. 

For example, my mother took my father's last name in 1977 when they got married. She did so because her maiden name was a Hungarian name with 11 letters and four syllables (and that was the version that was shortened by Ellis Island!!) and she was sick and tired of having to spell her name for everyone. 

I took my H's last name because while I love my maiden name, my first name honestly just sounds better with his last name. 

My friend is Russian. One point she dated a guy who was Ukranian. His last name was longer than hers. We've had the discussion about last names, and in that situation she would keep her last name but with her current boyfriend she will likely take his.

Another friend has a hyphenated last name. She hates it, and because of that she would take her boyfriend's last name if they get married.

{note: she also advised me against hyphenating our kids' last names because she said it makes her last name super long. We already opted to not hyphenate though}

My mum's legal last name was a hyphenate but she only went by one, so she changed her last name. {part of the reason why she did}

flantastic

STARMOON44 said:

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flantastic said:

STARMOON44 said:

charlotte989875 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I think you should keep all of your names! I️ just can’t fathom why so many women are still giving theirs up.  But ultimately it’s up to you. You get to do what you want, your mother might be hurt. 

Because they want to? I hear this so freakin often, especially from feminists, and honestly I think it's a little condescending. Like "how can you be a feminist/advocate/progressive and take a man's last name". 

I took my H's last name. I had my reasons. But it doesn't make me any less of a feminist. It doesn't make me any less of an advocate for myself or other women. And it doesn't make me property of my husband. Do I think the default should be keeping your own name? Yes, actually I do. But the "why in the world would women still do this?!" doesn't progress us any further. 

Did I  say it makes you property of your husband? Nope. And I don’t believe it does. I just think it’s crazy that it’s still the norm.  Just because you are, generally, a feminist doesn’t mean every choice you make is a feminist choice. 

I mean, our reason was that everyone in our nuclear family (knowing and assuming we would have kids) would have the same last name, uniting us as our own family. It could have gone the other way and we'd all be using my maiden name. When the kids start their own family with a spouse, they're welcome to do what's best for their family. I think that's a good enough reason. Who the fuck cares?

To the OP - I have two legal middle names, the second of which is my maiden name. I saw no reason to totally give it up, and I like my middle name, so wasn't going to get rid of that either. The social security office was not difficult about it. Logistically, it has yet to come up (government forms and so forth) and I was married in 2014, so I can't speak to that. If there's only space for one middle name or middle initial I go with the first one, i.e. my original middle name and initial. Sometimes I use X.Y., like in my new email address.

It could have gone the other way, but it didn’t. And it usually doesn’t. 

I get what you're saying, but that doesn't make it not a real choice. My last name sucked compared to his. I didn't need to put that on everyone just to make the feminist point.

short+sassy

Since we're taking about names, this still cracks me up.

My mom LOVES my H's last name.  His last name is also an actual word that is related to one of her lifelong passions/hobbies.  Just to give an example, if she loved to garden, she'd love the last name "Gardener".

In a casual chit-chat the day before my wedding, she asked what my plans were for my name.  I told her I was definitely taking my H's name socially, probably legally at some point, but not sure when.  With a hint of anticipation, she asked to make sure, "But you are taking his name socially?"  I verified, "Yes".  And then she squee'd that my name was going to be Jenny Gardener (not the real name), lol.  It was really cute.

thisismynickname2

A woman who doesn't give up her name is still keeping a name she was given by someone else, and often that's the father. Either way you slice it, you often have a man's name attached to you. So, there's that. 

DH and I just had this conversation the other day and he mentioned he was surprised I did want to change my name. Plain and simple, his Ukrainian name is easier than my German maiden name, a name I never liked at all. In addition, my opinion is that it's helpful for a family (parents, kids) to share a last name. If my last name was easier, I may have asked him to change his, but it wasn't, so here we are. 

If we're going to be really feminist, check out my coworker. After her divorce she chose a completely brand new last name (it was a name she liked from somewhere back in the family tree, a great aunt or something). 

flantastic

thisismynickname2 said:

A woman who doesn't give up her name is still keeping a name she was given by someone else, and often that's the father. Either way you slice it, you often have a man's name attached to you. So, there's that. 

DH and I just had this conversation the other day and he mentioned he was surprised I did want to change my name. Plain and simple, his Ukrainian name is easier than my German maiden name, a name I never liked at all. In addition, my opinion is that it's helpful for a family (parents, kids) to share a last name. If my last name was easier, I may have asked him to change his, but it wasn't, so here we are. 

If we're going to be really feminist, check out my coworker. After her divorce she chose a completely brand new last name (it was a name she liked from somewhere back in the family tree, a great aunt or something). 

My friend's mom did this. She chose a word that meant "Victory." (The ex-H was abusive.)

JediElizabeth

I'm assuming your mother kept her name because she's a feminist. I did the same, for that reason. 

One of the most important (IMHO) feminist perspectives is that women individually decide what is best for themselves. Want to skip kids and work? Awesome,  me too! Want to be a stay at home mom? Awesome, you do you!

Same thing for names. Pick the name that works for YOU. Think about your identity and what YOU want your name to mean. Choose that. Then thank your mom for raising someone who makes her own choices, even when others are trying to persuade her otherwise. 

*edited for typo