Wedding Party

HELP! Should she be a bridesmaid?

so I have this friend who we've been really close for over 4 years (all throughout college) she's a little crazy but she was usually a good friend to me. The past year or so though she's been very manipulative over our friendship. She gets mad when I hang out with other people and constantly bad talks all
of my other friends to our mutual friend (who happens to be my roommate) she even told my roommate that she would be so pissed if my best friend ended up being my maid of honor and not her. Fast forward to when I got engaged, she told me her boyfriends sister (who she has never met) was getting married on may 12th but that if I ended up picking that day she would obviously come to my wedding and it wouldn't be a big deal. A few weeks ago I end up telling her we picked a day and it's May 12th, she abruptly left my house and made rude comments about how my dad is saving money since she won't have a date. She proceeds to call me that night and tells me to change my date (knowing we have booked vendors and our venue) or she wouldn't be there. The next day I text her and say that we can't change the day but I encourage her to go to her boyfriends sisters wedding if that's what she needs to do. She then apologizes once she realize she can't manipulate me into changing my date. Bottom line: she's a super toxic friend and I've been trying to cut it off for a while now. Idk if I should include her in my wedding or not. I haven't spoken to her since this whole event but I'm genuinely scared of what she might do if she's not in my wedding (she can be genuinely crazy at times). But I'm also afraid she will try to sabotage my wedding since she hates all of my other friends.... please help I have no idea what I should do 

Best Answer

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    Accepted Answer
    If you haven't already asked her to be a bridesmaid, then don't do it. She's toxic.

    If you have, then asking her to step down would be a friendship-ending move.

    But it doesn't sound to me like she's a good friend to begin with if she throws temper tantrums and manipulates you.
    short+sassyknottie51d337e3acaad976

Answers

  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited December 5
    so I have this friend who we've been really close for over 4 years (all throughout college) she's a little crazy but she was usually a good friend to me. The past year or so though she's been very manipulative over our friendship. She gets mad when I hang out with other people and constantly bad talks all
    of my other friends to our mutual friend (who happens to be my roommate) she even told my roommate that she would be so pissed if my best friend ended up being my maid of honor and not her. Fast forward to when I got engaged, she told me her boyfriends sister (who she has never met) was getting married on may 12th but that if I ended up picking that day she would obviously come to my wedding and it wouldn't be a big deal. A few weeks ago I end up telling her we picked a day and it's May 12th, she abruptly left my house and made rude comments about how my dad is saving money since she won't have a date. She proceeds to call me that night and tells me to change my date (knowing we have booked vendors and our venue) or she wouldn't be there. The next day I text her and say that we can't change the day but I encourage her to go to her boyfriends sisters wedding if that's what she needs to do. She then apologizes once she realize she can't manipulate me into changing my date. Bottom line: she's a super toxic friend and I've been trying to cut it off for a while now. Idk if I should include her in my wedding or not. I haven't spoken to her since this whole event but I'm genuinely scared of what she might do if she's not in my wedding (she can be genuinely crazy at times). But I'm also afraid she will try to sabotage my wedding since she hates all of my other friends.... please help I have no idea what I should do 
    You cannot control other people's behavior.  You can only control your own.

    Did you ask her to be a bridesmaid?  If you did, then you cannot un-ask her.  If you did not, then there is no reason you need to ask her to be a bridesmaid.  No one is entitled to be a bridesmaid in any wedding, not even family members.

    I suggest that you invite her as a guest.  This is including her.  She will then decide whether or not she will attend your wedding, or not.  This is her choice.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    downtondiva
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    so I have this friend who we've been really close for over 4 years (all throughout college) she's a little crazy but she was usually a good friend to me. The past year or so though she's been very manipulative over our friendship. She gets mad when I hang out with other people and constantly bad talks all
    of my other friends to our mutual friend (who happens to be my roommate) she even told my roommate that she would be so pissed if my best friend ended up being my maid of honor and not her. Fast forward to when I got engaged, she told me her boyfriends sister (who she has never met) was getting married on may 12th but that if I ended up picking that day she would obviously come to my wedding and it wouldn't be a big deal. A few weeks ago I end up telling her we picked a day and it's May 12th, she abruptly left my house and made rude comments about how my dad is saving money since she won't have a date. She proceeds to call me that night and tells me to change my date (knowing we have booked vendors and our venue) or she wouldn't be there. The next day I text her and say that we can't change the day but I encourage her to go to her boyfriends sisters wedding if that's what she needs to do. She then apologizes once she realize she can't manipulate me into changing my date. Bottom line: she's a super toxic friend and I've been trying to cut it off for a while now. Idk if I should include her in my wedding or not. I haven't spoken to her since this whole event but I'm genuinely scared of what she might do if she's not in my wedding (she can be genuinely crazy at times). But I'm also afraid she will try to sabotage my wedding since she hates all of my other friends.... please help I have no idea what I should do 

    The bolded is your answer.  Only your nearest and dearest should be in your WP and this friend does not fall into either category.

    So take the step and end the friendship.  You will feel so much better in the long run!  "Friend, I have been thinking lately.  I feel like we have grown apart and our lives have gone in opposite directions.  While I will cherish our friendship that we had through college, I think it will be for the best to move in our directions.  I wish you nothing but the best in life."

    If she tries to bring up any excuses or wants any further explanations, do not offer one.  Just keep repeating what is above.  Since your roommate is a mutual friend, there will probably be times you run into her.  Just be cordial, but do not offer any personal information.

    Any wedding talk with her should stop, since you will no longer be friends, she will not be invited.  If she is around and asks, just change the subject.

    I would watch what you say in front of your roommate.  Assume that anything you tell your roommate will get back to this friend.  So don't bad mouth her after you end the friendship, it could make its way back to her and cause you trouble.


    short+sassyahoyweddingSP29
  • I feel like, deep down, you know the answer to this question. 

    No, you should not have a manipulative, toxic person be a bridesmaid....or a friend for that matter. I wouldn't even call this a "legacy friendship" where you put up with a little shit because you've been friends for so long (4 years is really not that long). 

    Friendships between normal people and toxic people generally don't last anyway. i.e. she's not a long-term friend. The friendship will probably wane if you don't ask her to be BM and that's a good thing. Less stress for you.
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    OliveOilsMomahoywedding
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I don’t know why you’d ever consider asking this person to stand up in your wedding. You said yourself she’s a toxic person. Move on from this friendship. This person is not your friend. 

    InLoveInQueens
  • From what you've described, I wouldn't even want to invite her to the wedding at all!  Especially if you are trying to do a "slow fade" from the friendship, anyway.  But it sounds like that would be a lot of drama in one of your friend groups, plus it appears you have already given her a verbal invitation to the wedding anyway.

    Like the other PPs said, I'm assuming (hoping) you didn't already ask her to be in your WP or give her the impression she would be.  If not, definitely don't ask her.  Just because she wants to be and is expecting to be in your WP, does not mean you have to ask her.

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    knottie51d337e3acaad976
  • Thank you all for the great advice!!! To answer some questions: she is under the impression she's a bridesmaid because when we were close we would be like "obviously you'll be my bridesmaid" but nothing has been mentioned since this whole ordeal where she demanded I change my date. Another reason I'm hesitant to just write her off is because a few months ago, a mutual friend of ours (who she is not nearly as close to as she is to me) did not ask her to be a bridesmaid in her wedding and my friend went crazy and verbally berated her. I just don't want to deal with the stress of her going crazy on me......
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Ending the friendship automatically removes any chance of friend being in the WP or even invited to the wedding.  Use the script I wrote above.  Keep the friendship ending outside of anything wedding related.  If friend blows up or goes crazy.  Just say "I'm sorry that you are upset about this decision.  I wish you well." and end scene.  If its in person, which after 4+ years of friendship, it should be, just get up and leave if she will not stop.  "I'm sorry I've upset you, I will get going now."  Do the friend break up in public, in you are truly worried.  Any craziness will only make her look bad and you can leave her in a neutral place.
  • Thank you all for the great advice!!! To answer some questions: she is under the impression she's a bridesmaid because when we were close we would be like "obviously you'll be my bridesmaid" but nothing has been mentioned since this whole ordeal where she demanded I change my date. Another reason I'm hesitant to just write her off is because a few months ago, a mutual friend of ours (who she is not nearly as close to as she is to me) did not ask her to be a bridesmaid in her wedding and my friend went crazy and verbally berated her. I just don't want to deal with the stress of her going crazy on me......
    Ugh she sounds so awful. This isn't a long-term friendship. Let her verbally berate you. Oh well, she just makes herself look like the nutball she is. Personally, I probably wouldn't even invite her to the wedding. She sounds like a total basket case. 

    Look this friendship isn't going to last. So rip off the bandaid.
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    knottie51d337e3acaad976
  • Thank you all for the great advice!!! To answer some questions: she is under the impression she's a bridesmaid because when we were close we would be like "obviously you'll be my bridesmaid" but nothing has been mentioned since this whole ordeal where she demanded I change my date. Another reason I'm hesitant to just write her off is because a few months ago, a mutual friend of ours (who she is not nearly as close to as she is to me) did not ask her to be a bridesmaid in her wedding and my friend went crazy and verbally berated her. I just don't want to deal with the stress of her going crazy on me......

    As long as there was none of this talk after you got engaged or anytime in the recent past, I would not put that in the category of asking her to be your BM.

    I had a BFF in my early 20's and we would occasionally have similar conversations about being each other's MOHs.  We are still good friends, but not as close, and none of that came to fruition when we each had our weddings.  I was a BM, but not a MOH in her first wedding.  Totally fine.  She didn't ask me for her second marriage and I didn't ask her for my wedding.  Neither one of us were upset or hurt by any of that.  Life is fluid.  Things change.

    Unfortunately, it sounds like your friend might be really insecure when it comes to her friendships.  That would explain the jealousy and dislike she has for some of your other friends.  It would also explain why she is even upset to not be asked to be a BM in someone's wedding. 

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  • If you are saying your so-called friend is super toxic, you've answered your own question. Of course you shouldn't ask her to be a bridesmaid. If you haven't discussed her being a bridesmaid since you got engaged, I think you are in the clear not to include her now. The way I see it, those "Oh we'll be each other's MOH's!" discussions don't count unless you're actually engaged. 

    I get why you're reluctant to exclude her entirely, but what's really the worst she could do if you don't invite her? If she verbally berates you, so what? If you're afraid she's going to get violent, do you really want her near your other friends at the wedding anyway? If she's that possessive and manipulative of you, this isn't a friendship worth saving, and I don't think you have to offer the olive branch of an invitation. 
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  • Just can't believe you put up with “such toxic” for 4 years!!! It's your wedding, you just settled the date, and tell her the date. If she can't come, thats her problem, not yours. I think you should be tough when talking to her, or you will be manipulated by her all the time.
  • She is not the proper BM candidate, BM will be considerate and willing to assist you not interfere with your decision.
  • She is not the proper BM candidate, BM will be considerate and willing to assist you not interfere with your decision.
    You're right that she wouldn't be a good Bridesmaid, but that's because she sounds ridiculous and exhausting.

    Being a Bridesmaid isn't a job, a bridesmaid will be willing to wear the outfit of your choosing (within their budget) and show up to your wedding on time and [relatively] sober. That's it. Everything else is extra and they may offer help and time, but it's not require.
    SP29sparklepants41
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