Um, you sound like a snob.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
Recently my friend Amy made a new friend, Mary. I’ve met her a few times, and while we were polite to each other, she isn’t someone I’d care to interact with more than necessary. I don’t seek her out, nor do I invite her to social events. Mary has slowly become part of my circle of friends. She has made a few comments intimating she’s upset that she hasn’t been invited to some of our get-togethers, but she is in a very different financial bracket than the rest of us. The restaurants and events we choose to go to are pricey. I recently hosted a dinner party for my friends and their plus ones, and Amy brought Mary. I didn’t want her at my house. We’re not friends, and I don’t enjoy her presence. I’m hosting another dinner party for the holidays, and I know Amy will bring Mary. I do not invite people I don’t want to be around to my parties. How do I politely tell Amy to stop bringing Mary?
—She’s Not Invited; She Comes Anyway

missJeanLouise

Wow!! What a bitch! This can’t be real

MissKittyDanger

I see it on both sides. There's gonna be people we don't like but are friends with mutual friends, so we accept it in public outings.

However, when it's your own house you can be more specific I feel. I think invites need to be specific though, and accept there will likely be a bit of backlash - especially from 'Amy'.

baconsmom

Her not affording things isn't the issue. LW is trying to make herself sound empathetic or something, but that shouldn't even be in there. 

LW can't stand Mary. It happens. Don't offer Amy a plus one to a dinner party. Don't offer anyone a plus one - invite everyone specifically. You don't have to hang out with people you don't like, for whatever reasons. 

And no, don't give me that "Just give her a chance!" bullshit. Just realize that not everyone likes everyone and move on. Amy can see Mary on her own time, not on LW's. 

CharmedPam

yeah if I'm not really getting along with someone, I wouldn't want them at my house either.  Stop the plus ones and that should prompt someone to ask "oh can I bring so and so?"
"nope"
"okay, cool".

banana468

Not liking Amy is fine.   Not liking Amy because she's not of the same income as you makes you a snob.

I'd ask the OP why is Amy such good friends with the social circle and why does she feel that she can't be friends with her?  If the financial issue is the only impediment I have a feeling it's going to be the LW and not Amy that's phased out of social events. 

kvruns

Does she not get invited to things because some people don't like her or because they don't think she can afford it? If it is the latter, let her make that decision, especially since she doesn't seem to be a big part of the group right now. If it is the former then I can see not inviting her to more intimate gatherings at a house. 

STARMOON44

Yeah plus ones are not mandatory, so just dont give them. But also maybe improve personal quality and stop disliking the poors?

mrsconn23

I agree that more information is needed from LW.  But the fact that she brought up Amy's income and that they choose pricey events and restaurants as a way to plead a case against Amy has me thinking that LW is classist.  Like she deserves the exclusivity and Amy does not. 

Because not liking, or liking, someone should have nothing to do with what they afford. 

I agree that you should be comfortable with the people that are coming to your home for any reason.  But she needs to come up with a better reason than she gave Prudie because if she tries to bring $$ into it, she may turn off Mary and/or the rest of the group. 

southernbelle0915

I don't think LW is saying she dislikes Mary "because she's poor". She tried to explain and incident in which Mary wasn't invited to go out to dinner (because she thought the restaurant was too expensive and Mary wouldn't be able to afford it). She never said she doesn't like poor people or looks down on Mary because she's poor. 

She just doesn't like her. And she doesn't have to. If Amy is her friend, she can say to Amy, "I don't really connect with Mary and I would rather you not bring her to the holiday dinner party. If I wanted to invite Mary, I would have. But I simply don't enjoy her company." And going forward, don't offer Amy a plus one. 

*Barbie*

are Amy and Mary dating...? if  I was invited to a party with my friend group, I wouldn't bring a +1 unless it was my SO (and they were welcome - i.e. is it a couples thing or a ladies' night deal?).  I'd only bring a friend if it was a situation where I only knew the host, and even then would run the +1 by the host. (e.g. I once went to a wedding where the only person that I knew was the bride. DK and Wolverine were invited, but because of timing and travel costs, we couldn't go as a family. I asked bride if she would mind me bringing a local friend or my sister, so I would know someone there besides her. she didn't mind, so my sister tagged along.)

MissKittyDanger

*Barbie* said:

are Amy and Mary dating...? if  I was invited to a party with my friend group, I wouldn't bring a +1 unless it was my SO (and they were welcome - i.e. is it a couples thing or a ladies' night deal?).  I'd only bring a friend if it was a situation where I only knew the host, and even then would run the +1 by the host. (e.g. I once went to a wedding where the only person that I knew was the bride. DK and Wolverine were invited, but because of timing and travel costs, we couldn't go as a family. I asked bride if she would mind me bringing a local friend or my sister, so I would know someone there besides her. she didn't mind, so my sister tagged along.)

You bring up a good question .... and now I'm wondering.

short+sassy

I agree with @southernbelle0915.  I wasn't reading that the LW doesn't like Amy because she is of a different income level.  I don't necessarily see her as being snobby, though the comment about Amy not being able to be go to the same restaurants was a bit of a side-eye.

This is really reading into the letter, but I wonder if that line came from some of the other friends in the group saying things like (outside of Amy's knowledge), "I know we usually go to Four-Star Restaurant A, but let's meet at Two-Star Restaurant B so Amy can go also."

Obviously, the LW wouldn't be issuing an invite to Amy to meet at either Restaurant A or B or her own home!  Which is, again, why I don't think Amy's income is the issue with the LW.

lyndausvi

 *Barbie* said:

are Amy and Mary dating...? if  I was invited to a party with my friend group, I wouldn't bring a +1 unless it was my SO (and they were welcome - i.e. is it a couples thing or a ladies' night deal?).  I'd only bring a friend if it was a situation where I only knew the host, and even then would run the +1 by the host. (e.g. I once went to a wedding where the only person that I knew was the bride. DK and Wolverine were invited, but because of timing and travel costs, we couldn't go as a family. I asked bride if she would mind me bringing a local friend or my sister, so I would know someone there besides her. she didn't mind, so my sister tagged along.)

This was my first thought.   


Many people have friends in different social groups.  They do not general force relationships between people in the different groups.    Sure once in a while someone might bring an outsider to an event, but it seems like Amy brings Mary a lot, which is kind-of odd to me.     Unless they are more than friends.   Then it makes sense and Mary should be treated like other SO.

southernbelle0915

short+sassy said:

I agree with @southernbelle0915.  I wasn't reading that the LW doesn't like Amy because she is of a different income level.  I don't necessarily see her as being snobby, though the comment about Amy not being able to be go to the same restaurants was a bit of a side-eye.

This is really reading into the letter, but I wonder if that line came from some of the other friends in the group saying things like (outside of Amy's knowledge), "I know we usually go to Four-Star Restaurant A, but let's meet at Two-Star Restaurant B so Amy can go also."

Obviously, the LW wouldn't be issuing an invite to Amy to meet at either Restaurant A or B or her own home!  Which is, again, why I don't think Amy's income is the issue with the LW.

Yes. And this may sound snobby of me (but so be it)...I have very little free time, very little tolerance for people I dislike, and consider myself a bit of a foodie. If I'm going to spend my precious free time going out to try new restaurants with friends, I want to pick something that maximizes the value of my time, preferences and dollar. Often, that's not a diner. And it's definitely not somewhere I don't like to eat paired with people I don't like to hang out with. 

Is it snobby that LW's "restaurants and events we choose to go to are pricey"? Not necessarily. It's all relative. Someone lower than Mary's income bracket may consider her food and event preferences snobby. People are allowed to have preferences and spend their money how they want.

STARMOON44

*Barbie* said:

are Amy and Mary dating...? if  I was invited to a party with my friend group, I wouldn't bring a +1 unless it was my SO (and they were welcome - i.e. is it a couples thing or a ladies' night deal?).  I'd only bring a friend if it was a situation where I only knew the host, and even then would run the +1 by the host. (e.g. I once went to a wedding where the only person that I knew was the bride. DK and Wolverine were invited, but because of timing and travel costs, we couldn't go as a family. I asked bride if she would mind me bringing a local friend or my sister, so I would know someone there besides her. she didn't mind, so my sister tagged along.)

If I, a single person, were given a plus one I’d bring whomever I wanted, including a new platonic friend. I wouldn’t run it by the host because I wouldn’t imagine a host so rude as to give me a generic plus one and then want veto power over my choice! Completely different than asking to substitute someone else in for an invited guest. 

banana468

southernbelle0915 said:

short+sassy said:

I agree with @southernbelle0915.  I wasn't reading that the LW doesn't like Amy because she is of a different income level.  I don't necessarily see her as being snobby, though the comment about Amy not being able to be go to the same restaurants was a bit of a side-eye.

This is really reading into the letter, but I wonder if that line came from some of the other friends in the group saying things like (outside of Amy's knowledge), "I know we usually go to Four-Star Restaurant A, but let's meet at Two-Star Restaurant B so Amy can go also."

Obviously, the LW wouldn't be issuing an invite to Amy to meet at either Restaurant A or B or her own home!  Which is, again, why I don't think Amy's income is the issue with the LW.

Yes. And this may sound snobby of me (but so be it)...I have very little free time, very little tolerance for people I dislike, and consider myself a bit of a foodie. If I'm going to spend my precious free time going out to try new restaurants with friends, I want to pick something that maximizes the value of my time, preferences and dollar. Often, that's not a diner. And it's definitely not somewhere I don't like to eat paired with people I don't like to hang out with. 

Is it snobby that LW's "restaurants and events we choose to go to are pricey"? Not necessarily. It's all relative. Someone lower than Mary's income bracket may consider her food and event preferences snobby. People are allowed to have preferences and spend their money how they want.

That's an excellent point.  

mrsconn23

IDK, I just think that when you say you don't like someone and then start bringing words like 'financial bracket' into your argument in a letter of why you don't like them and don't want to spend time with them...it just sticks out like a sore thumb. 

If LW had said, "My friend Amy has brought a new person Mary into our group.  I am cordial to Mary, but don't like her and don't enjoy spending time with her.  She's increasingly coming along with the group and has intimated to me that she's upset I haven't invited her to my events. I had a dinner party and offered plus ones to my guests.  Amy brought Mary with her.  I'm having another dinner party in the future and don't want Amy to bring Mary with her.  What do I do?"   I'd be team LW all the way. 

I think in trying to be politic in her delivery and the only concrete negative (to LW) beyond personality clash is where Mary stands economically...LW comes off in a snobby manner.  I understand where she's coming from in not wanting to be around someone she doesn't like, but I stand by the fact that bringing income into this argument won't help LW prove her point about why she doesn't like Mary.  Because it sounds like the rest of the group has either tolerated or embraced Mary.  If I were her and if there were another trusted member of the group, I'd take her temp on Mary.  If that person also has reservations about Mary, trying to distance from Amy could go a lot smoother. 

As far as the upcoming dinner party, LW needs to strap on the big girl panties and tell Amy that she doesn't get a +1 or that Mary cannot be her +1.  But she's going to have to brace for fallout. 

Edit: I had the names mixed up. 

*Barbie*

southernbelle0915 said:

 

Yes. And this may sound snobby of me (but so be it)...I have very little free time, very little tolerance for people I dislike, and consider myself a bit of a foodie. If I'm going to spend my precious free time going out to try new restaurants with friends, I want to pick something that maximizes the value of my time, preferences and dollar. Often, that's not a diner. And it's definitely not somewhere I don't like to eat paired with people I don't like to hang out with. 

Is it snobby that LW's "restaurants and events we choose to go to are pricey"? Not necessarily. It's all relative. Someone lower than Mary's income bracket may consider her food and event preferences snobby. People are allowed to have preferences and spend their money how they want.

I agree with you - if I'm spending my time and money going out, I want it to be a situation where I enjoy myself. I would be annoyed if someone routinely brought a person who wasn't invited/that I didn't like.

I think what's coming off as snobbish in the OP is that the LW seemingly doesn't like Mary only because she doesn't have as much money as the rest of the people in the group. The only negative thing that she said that Mary did was mention being hurt/upset about not being included in some of the outings. That's annoying - but it's not like she's saying "Mary is a complete jerk to everyone. She gets blackout drunk and makes a scene/starts a fight/pukes on people. Mary smells like cat pee, and never stops talking about Mr. Fluffers' wedding to Peanut. Last time she tried to show us a slideshow." - it sounds like Mary is a nice/polite person who just isn't as well off as the others. If she gave some examples of Mary behaving badly, then I think people would be more understanding.

LW doesn't mention that any of the others share her opinion, which leads me to believe that they don't mind having Mary along.

LW and her friends can still continue to go to the symphony, or the hottest new restaurant, or go yacht shopping - if the group doesn't mind Mary joining in (Mary can determine if she can afford it - or maybe Amy is paying her way), then the OP would need to suck it up or decide it's a dealbreaker and find new friends.

I do feel like OP needs to talk to Amy about the upcoming party and be direct that she is not extending an invite to Mary for whatever reasons.

flantastic

"Financial bracket" has nothing to do with it. They could invite her and she could look up the restaurant, decide she can't afford it, and say she won't be able to make it. That's on her. Snobbery comes in when they make that decision for her. If Mary (and Amy) consider Mary to be part of the friend group, I can see where it would be weird and hurtful that she just doesn't get invited out with them, because one or more of them have decided on her behalf that she can't afford to go. I'd be interested to see how the other friends feel about her personally.

However, I'm pretty sure LW just doesn't like Mary. That's fine. But yeah, then stop with the general plus ones, because you can't say "Bring anyone but that one person you obviously like hanging out with."

kimmiinthemitten

I'm with Mrs Conn on this one. Clearly the income is a factor because it's the only thing she thought was important enough to criticize her for in the letter. 

southernbelle0915

Disagree - LW says "I don't like her" and doesn't give a reason.

Then she moves on from the status of how she feels about Mary (without giving a why) to say that Mary has made comments about being upset about not being included in things. LW then says the reason for Mary not being included is because the restaurants are pricey (and the implication here is that the friend group doesn't think Mary can afford it).

Income is only a factor when it comes to the restaurants and events. No where does LW connect income as a factor in her feelings for Mary.

southernbelle0915

And I should add that, presumably, Amy is in the core group of friends and also invited to these restaurant outings. Amy (or really anyone in the group) COULD invite Mary to these restaurants/events and they don't. Does that also mean that Amy and the rest of the group doesn't like Mary because she can't afford a certain restaurant/event? Of course not. 

oliviaengaged

it's a simple thing, you just invite Amy specifically, if she brings Mary, she should ask for your permission firstly. If she not, then tell her directly. Thats your house party, buddy. You take the lead.

charlotte989875

I'm on the fence with this one, TBH. On the one hand I agree with having limited time and wanting to go where I want, spend my money how I want, and see the people I want to see. But on the other hand Amy is a friend and sounds like Mary is a close friend of hers. And sometimes you have to be around people you don't like because other people in your live do. 

I'd draw the line at inviting Mary to my house, but deal with her when she's invited other places. And leave her income out of it.