Wedding Woes

Is this a hill to die on?

Dear Jane,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 or 7 months. Minus the usual ups and downs, things are pretty good. However, he is a truly horrible texter. I would say the average time he takes to respond to any given text message is 1 1/2 to 2 hours. Frequently he doesn’t reply at all. He doesn’t have a smart phone, so he’s not attached to his phone in the way many of us are, so that could definitely the cause of the problem. Or maybe, like many of us who even do have smart phones, he’s just bad at checking his phone.

Either way, I’m beginning to find it pretty intolerable. I don’t overly enjoy small talk over text, so I’m fine with not constantly being in touch. But there’s just something that really bothers me about someone starting a conversation only to sporadically engage in it or not follow up at all. For example, he’ll ask me how my day was, I’ll respond relatively promptly and ask how his was, then he’ll respond hours later or not at all. I should also mention that his unreliability over text makes it very difficult to make plans when talking on the phone isn’t feasible. Basically it all boils down this: I’d rather just not hear from him at all on any given day than only hear from him over text.

Here are my questions: am I right to find this annoying? Should I just ask him to only communicate via phone call? I’m not really interested in trying to get him to respond more promptly, as that seems unlikely.

Thanks Jane!

-No New Messages

Re: Is this a hill to die on?

  • If this person can't figure out how to communicate with her new boyfriend about texting, this relationship is headed for the drain. How about spending more time reading about "effective communication" instead of writing letters to people you don't know for advice. Sheesh.
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    short+sassycharlotte989875
  • This LW would absolutely hate me. I've been known to respond to texts a day or two later. Sometimes I let me phone die and just forget to charge it. Some people just aren't phone people ...
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    short+sassycharlotte989875mrsconn23
  • OMG, LW!?!?  Whatever did we do before texting?  How has our species survived?

    FFS, LW, texting has only been around as a regular form of communication for maybe 15 years.  I personally didn't send my first text until about 6-7 years ago.  The first year or two was with a flip phone.  I'm guessing like her guy's.  Texting royally sucked and it almost had to be life or death for me to engage with someone that way.

    I mean, she says she doesn't enjoy small talk over text.  But then her example is her asking him how his day went and he responds 1-2 hours later.  Maybe he's busy.  I'd find just about anything I'm doing on a typical day, to be too busy to respond to such a casual text.

    I'm also curious as to her examples of when "talking on the phone" isn't feasible, but texting is.  At least for long enough periods of time to mess with making plans.


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    charlotte989875Ro041
  • The boyfriend is H to a T. He rarely responds; if he does it’s hours later. Is it annoying? Sure. Is it intolerable? No that’s ridiculous  (and hyperbolic). If I need something quickly I call. If it can wait I text. He’s gotten better about remembering to take his phone with him and check it more frequently. 

    But I also don’t text all day (with anyone) or communicate with him all day long either. 
    sparklepants41
  • OMG communication!!!! My fiance was like this, but it was legit cause he doesn't generally have his phone in his hand 24/7. It only took a couple of times of me saying HEY!! can you be a bit more responsive for him to get it. The only thing that made the lack of texting worse for me was he was always working and I'd see him tops 2x a week for a few hours at a time. COMMUNICATION is KEY. Just tell him-- if you like him give him a chance to fix the issue. 
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