Your mom is being extra ridiculous

mrsconn23

(apparently Prudie took 2 weeks off, so I'm going through her Q&A's for shits and grins)

Q. Baby blunder: When my husband and I found out I was pregnant with our first child and were ready to tell our respective parents, we didn’t put much thought into whose parents we’d break the news to first. We happened to be at my in-laws’ house on Christmas Eve so we told them that night, and of course they were overjoyed. The next day, we expected the same reaction from my parents. Instead, the first words my Mom uttered—captured on video, no less—were, “You told [my in-laws] first, didn’t you?”, with a scathing look on her face. When I said “yes,” she was devastated and didn’t speak to me for two days. On the third day, I got a very tearful phone call saying how badly I’d hurt her, and that since my in-laws already had grandkids the news wasn’t as special to them. She said we should have told them first because I’m their daughter, and that “one day I’d understand.”

Were my husband and I in the wrong? Her reaction completely spoiled what should have been a joyous occasion, and I’ve had a hard time not being resentful toward her.

MissKittyDanger

I'm guessing LW's mother isn't a fan of in-laws, or jealous?

LW's mother is being ridiculous, but it might also be "my baby girl is having a baby" thought and expected to know first.

short+sassy

I'm going to take a wild leap that the LW is fully aware of what a ridiculous and manipulative drama-llama her mother is.

The LW doesn't outline what her actions were in response.  But I would have knocked the proverbial chair out from under my mother by telling her:

• No grandparent is "owed" being told first.  We wanted to tell the grandparents in person and we happened to see them first.  And by only one day, mind you.
• EVERY grandchild is special, so how dare you tell me it isn't as special to them because it isn't their first grandchild.  Maybe you're the one who will understand that someday.
• You can either be happy for this joyful time in my and my H's life.  Or you can wallow in a corner of self-made martyrdom.  But stay the f**k away from us until you're done with your selfish b.s.

mrsconn23

We told my IL's first because we saw them in person first.  I refused to tell my mom over the phone, so I had to wait until I could tell her face to face (that story is actually funny in itself).   

She didn't bat an eye that we told the IL's first.  It wasn't her 1st grandkid or anything, since the kiddo's the technical 1st grandkid and my sister had already had my oldest nephew.  I still don't think she'd care even if DefConn had been 1st over all. 

banana468

Congratulations Mom!   You made my pregnancy all about you!

"Mom, the only thing I can understand is that you threw a temper tantrum over timing that amounted to less than 24 hours.  If that hurt your feelings then I apologize but now I'm hurt by the way you're treating me.   Hopefully one day if this baby is a girl I'll teach her that I won't make her feel like she's done something bad because she wants to try to be fair." 

MissKittyDanger

banana468 said:

Congratulations Mom!   You made my pregnancy all about you!

^

MissKittyDanger

Looking at both sides {assuming there is no previous parent/child issues as well}

Mom's side - Possible thoughts "My baby is having a baby! I should know first!"
So my mum knew first {okay, so M and my bff knew first but my mum knew the same day lmao}
I know my mum appreciated the fact I told her before we told inlaws, but accepted with her schedule that was possibly not an option.
I'm sure my mum would have been upset - but not said anything - if inlaws knew first, but still would have been happy because when she told her mother she was pregnant she got the "but I'm too young to be a grandmother" {my mum was 26, my granny was 47 when I was born}

LW's side - Now knows that if inlaws find out things first, don't tell mother. Hopefully LW doesn't dwell on this and can continue to be excited about the pregnancy.

short+sassy

MissKittyDanger said:

Looking at both sides {assuming there is no previous parent/child issues as well}

Mom's side - Possible thoughts "My baby is having a baby! I should know first!"
So my mum knew first {okay, so M and my bff knew first but my mum knew the same day lmao}
I know my mum appreciated the fact I told her before we told inlaws, but accepted with her schedule that was possibly not an option.
I'm sure my mum would have been upset - but not said anything - if inlaws knew first, but still would have been happy because when she told her mother she was pregnant she got the "but I'm too young to be a grandmother" {my mum was 26, my granny was 47 when I was born}

LW's side - Now knows that if inlaws find out things first, don't tell mother. Hopefully LW doesn't dwell on this and can continue to be excited about the pregnancy.

Please stop talking about that people in their 40s can be grandparents.

I refuse to accept logical explanations that this can be true.

charlotte989875

This is totally something my mother would get upset about. 

lovesclimbing

"Someone had to be told first, and it's extremely unfair to my inlaws that it should always be you."

I am so blessed that my parents and in-laws aren't this petty. 

Also, I want to point out that "fair" can be cut a lot of different ways. Take a cake. Cut it in half and each gets a side. Fair. Take a cake and cut a big piece out of the middle, and one side gets the big the other side gets the two little. Fair. Cut it on the diagonal. Fair.

My parents have seen us more because they've traveled through more often. But we've been to my H's parents' city twice and (up until we went to my parents' city this Christmas) we had never been to my parents'. And now post-Christmas, we've been in his hometown for a total of three weeks and mine for one. Is it fair that we see my parent's more often and still went to see my parents for Christmas? Is it fair that we went to my H's parents' a second time when we had never been to mine? Should we be forced to not see my parents when they come through because my H's parents don't need to/don't choose to come through more often? Should we be forced to spend money we don't have to buy more expensive tickets to my parents' more often?

Life is too short to try to figure out what is "fair." And fair, obviously, from my situation, doesn't always mean equal. 

Re- 40s grandparents. This is my parents! My mom was 18 when they got married (she wasn't pregnant) and had their first kid at 21. My younger sister also got married at 18 (again, not pregnant) and they had their first child 1.5 years later when she was 20. So my parents became grandparents when my mom was in her mid-40s and my dad was in his late 40s. 

Definitly possible without any high school pregnancies involved! My parents LOVE being young grandparents and being relatively young and healthy to do things on their own post kids. 

ei34

charlotte989875 said:

This is totally something my mother would get upset about. 

Mine too.  She doesn’t say it, but I know she appreciates the fact the H doesn’t have much of a relationship with his father and stepmother, and she and my dad get to be the “main” grandparents.  

I do think when both sets of grandparents are around, parents should make an effort to keep things even.  Sharing big news within a day is pretty close, so I do feel bad that LW has to deal with complaining.  

southernbelle0915

Welp, nothing like taking an exciting first-time pregnancy announcement and making it into a dramatic issue about yourself! 

LW's mom is the actual worst. 

MissKittyDanger

short+sassy said:

MissKittyDanger said:

Looking at both sides {assuming there is no previous parent/child issues as well}

Mom's side - Possible thoughts "My baby is having a baby! I should know first!"
So my mum knew first {okay, so M and my bff knew first but my mum knew the same day lmao}
I know my mum appreciated the fact I told her before we told inlaws, but accepted with her schedule that was possibly not an option.
I'm sure my mum would have been upset - but not said anything - if inlaws knew first, but still would have been happy because when she told her mother she was pregnant she got the "but I'm too young to be a grandmother" {my mum was 26, my granny was 47 when I was born}

LW's side - Now knows that if inlaws find out things first, don't tell mother. Hopefully LW doesn't dwell on this and can continue to be excited about the pregnancy.

Please stop talking about that people in their 40s can be grandparents.

I refuse to accept logical explanations that this can be true.

Oh I 100% agree with you, but that is legit what she said to my mum!
I just put age more for reference, not because I agree with her statement


edit: FWIW my granny had the strange thinking you had to be old to be a grandparent.
My mum's response to that comment was "It's not my fault you had me at 21 ... I'm 26 now."

short+sassy

MissKittyDanger said:

short+sassy said:

Please stop talking about that people in their 40s can be grandparents.

I refuse to accept logical explanations that this can be true.

Oh I 100% agree with you, but that is legit what she said to my mum!
I just put age more for reference, not because I agree with her statement


edit: FWIW my granny had the strange thinking you had to be old to be a grandparent.
My mum's response to that comment was "It's not my fault you had me at 21 ... I'm 26 now."

I'm telling you, I hit around my mid-30's, and it's like my mind has really started playing time tricks on me.  If I don't think about and do the math, I live in this alternate reality where, if I had kids, of course they would only be elementary school.  Because I'm not old enough for them to be older than that.

My other favorite.  I was reading a Dear Abby letter a few years ago and the LW was talking about that their 25th HS reunion was coming up.  But one of the organized event was a strenuous hike up a nearby mountain.  She didn't think some of their former classmates would have the physical endurance.  My first thought was, "Of course not!  Old geezers (jk).  Most of them will be in their 60's."  Oh...wait...s**t!!!  Goddamnit.  I didn't go, but my 25-year reunion was last year, lol.

Or I think about how my parents seemed so old and wise when I was child.  And realize that I am currently WAY older than they were at that time, lol.

missJeanLouise

Mine too @charlotte989875 & @eileenrob. 

MissKittyDanger

short+sassy said:

MissKittyDanger said:

short+sassy said:

Please stop talking about that people in their 40s can be grandparents.

I refuse to accept logical explanations that this can be true.

Oh I 100% agree with you, but that is legit what she said to my mum!
I just put age more for reference, not because I agree with her statement


edit: FWIW my granny had the strange thinking you had to be old to be a grandparent.
My mum's response to that comment was "It's not my fault you had me at 21 ... I'm 26 now."

I'm telling you, I hit around my mid-30's, and it's like my mind has really started playing time tricks on me.  If I don't think about and do the math, I live in this alternate reality where, if I had kids, of course they would only be elementary school.  Because I'm not old enough for them to be older than that.

My other favorite.  I was reading a Dear Abby letter a few years ago and the LW was talking about that their 25th HS reunion was coming up.  But one of the organized event was a strenuous hike up a nearby mountain.  She didn't think some of their former classmates would have the physical endurance.  My first thought was, "Of course not!  Old geezers (jk).  Most of them will be in their 60's."  Oh...wait...s**t!!!  Goddamnit.  I didn't go, but my 25-year reunion was last year, lol.

Or I think about how my parents seemed so old and wise when I was child.  And realize that I am currently WAY older than they were at that time, lol.

LOLOLOL!!!

I tend to realize how old I am when I hear about my friends' kids getting older. It's like "Uhm, no your oldest will not be 9 in a month. That was not 9yrs ago."

Or when I use phrases like "kids now a days ..." or I spend any amount of time with people younger.
BIL is 7yrs younger than me {4 yrs younger than M} and we picked up him and his friends one day. They're chatting about things.
They get out of the car and M and I sat there silently, just feeling super old.

short+sassy

MissKittyDanger said:

LOLOLOL!!!

I tend to realize how old I am when I hear about my friends' kids getting older. It's like "Uhm, no your oldest will not be 9 in a month. That was not 9yrs ago."

Or when I use phrases like "kids now a days ..." or I spend any amount of time with people younger.
BIL is 7yrs younger than me {4 yrs younger than M} and we picked up him and his friends one day. They're chatting about things.
They get out of the car and M and I sat there silently, just feeling super old.

It doesn't get any better, my friend.

thisismynickname2

Poor LW. My mom definitely worries about fairness with my in-laws, even though they get along very well, but she still would have never had that reaction. We informed my ILs first about my pregnancy because we see them on Christmas Eve and my family on Christmas day. It was less than 24 hours later. My parents were thrilled and I then said, "Ok, please go call [MIL] because she's dying to talk to you about becoming grandparents." 

MissKittyDanger

short+sassy said:

MissKittyDanger said:

LOLOLOL!!!

I tend to realize how old I am when I hear about my friends' kids getting older. It's like "Uhm, no your oldest will not be 9 in a month. That was not 9yrs ago."

Or when I use phrases like "kids now a days ..." or I spend any amount of time with people younger.
BIL is 7yrs younger than me {4 yrs younger than M} and we picked up him and his friends one day. They're chatting about things.
They get out of the car and M and I sat there silently, just feeling super old.

It doesn't get any better, my friend.

Shit

short+sassy

thisismynickname2 said:

Poor LW. My mom definitely worries about fairness with my in-laws, even though they get along very well, but she still would have never had that reaction. We informed my ILs first about my pregnancy because we see them on Christmas Eve and my family on Christmas day. It was less than 24 hours later. My parents were thrilled and I then said, "Ok, please go call [MIL] because she's dying to talk to you about becoming grandparents." 

Fun!  It's the exact same situation.  Fortunately, sans the crazy mother.

MissKittyDanger

thisismynickname2 said:

Poor LW. My mom definitely worries about fairness with my in-laws, even though they get along very well, but she still would have never had that reaction. We informed my ILs first about my pregnancy because we see them on Christmas Eve and my family on Christmas day. It was less than 24 hours later. My parents were thrilled and I then said, "Ok, please go call [MIL] because she's dying to talk to you about becoming grandparents." 

Same deal with us. Less than 24hrs between telling each future-grandparent and I told both when the other would know so they could start talking grandbaby :')

ernursej

My Mom would be upset if she didn’t know first, but I don’t think she would display her emotions like LW’s Mom. Good thing we aren’t having kids ... never have to find out for sure. 

My MIL is currently wallowing about no Grandchildren so I guess that is my world instead of dealing with who to tell first. 

downtondiva

I can understand LW's mom being disappointed that she didn't know first, but this is a major overreaction. Finding out after the in-laws doesn't make the news any less special, and it's sad that she can't see that.

redwoodoriginal

I think it’s stupid to care who finds out first- unless you’re finding out via social media or some random person if you have a good relationship with your kid, it shouldn’t matter. It’s so irritating to me that people make issues out of things like these. 

Of of course I just lie bc I’d rather lie- knowing they’ll never find out- than deal with it bc it’s too exhausting to deal with the fallout. ::shrug:: 

My parents (mom def, idk about my dad) are like this. I had to lie and tell them they knew first about both pregnancies bc I knew they’d be super butthurt about it if they knew MIL knew first. I also didn’t tell them MIL met the baby first- they had a flight scheduled for a week after my due date- and he arrived the day after his due date. I felt it was ridiculous to have them spend money on changing their flights to come out 4 days sooner / I wanted a few days with just my H and baby, AND if MIL didn’t come up that week- a 4 hour drive for her - then she wouldn’t meet baby until he was six weeks old! And she was such a huge support for me during my miscarriage and this pregnancy that I didn’t think that was fair to her, when she could be here in 4-5 hours. She came for three days and left the day before my parents arrived. To confirm my thoughts on my parents being butthurt, my mom cried on the phone when he was 3 days old “why won’t you let us fly up sooner” ::eye roll:: AND I accidentally told my sister my MIL was coming and she immediately told me to not tell our mother bc she knew she would be very upset.