Wedding Party

Unconventional MOH Situation

Hello!

I was looking for some insight and advice here. I am getting married in a year, and I actually have two MOHs (they are twins, and I have known them since I was 4. They are the closest people to sisters that I will ever have, and though they obviously are two unique individuals, choosing one over the other is just not fathomable). Here's the dilemma: they both live thousands of miles away, and one of them is in her residency, while the other is defending her PHD dissertation this year. They're both brilliant, awesome, SUCCESSFUL women, and the timing of my wedding TOTALLY sucks for them. I do not harbor any sort of resentment towards them whatsoever for their busy schedules and grad-student budgets (I've been there), but I do want to make sure that I am able to be practical here in regards to certain wedding events.

In particular, it is time to plan the bachelorette party. All of my other 7 bridesmaids are able to make one date work, but it's going to be very challenging for both MOHs to be there. It might be possible, but it will definitely be stressful, and a whole lot to ask of them. I spoke with one the other day, and she told me that she will do her best, but worse comes to worst, we could do it without her. Is this an option even worth considering?? I don't want to exclude her, but at the same time, I don't want her to be bending over backwards and traveling miles, spending hundreds of dollars, etc., all while gearing up for the most important month of her career and life. My other MOH won't even know her schedule until much later due to her job, so it's about a 50/50 whether she will be able to make it. I already feel like I have asked way too much of these women to be my MOHs, but at the same time, I know that they are proud to have that title, even if it is stressful for their current lifestyle. I guess I'm looking for validation that it's okay to have less involved MOHs? I know that this bachelorette party issue will continue into bridal shower planning, perhaps even the rehearsal dinner, etc. etc.

Have any of you had a very hands-off MOH? Have you had a MOH that didn't go to your bachelorette party or bridal shower? Is it okay for me to proceed and plan things without them, and just hope that they can make it? Does this lift a burden, or would it be offensive?

Of course, I plan to have an honest conversation with each of them very soon about all this, but the internet never fails to give unique perspective, and I would love to receive some input before moving forward :-)

Re: Unconventional MOH Situation

  • Go ahead without them like she told you to! Not a problem. 
    holyguacamole79InLoveInQueensernursej
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    If your MOHs can't attend the party for whatever reason (and you need not to be hosting or planning it beyond giving the hostess a guest list), then have the party without them. The presence of anyone at your bachelorette party, including your wedding party members, while perhaps desirable, is not mandatory.

    Otherwise, it needs to be scheduled for a time when they can participate. Again, that would be up to the hostess.
    STARMOON44InLoveInQueens
  • The only thing required of members of the WP are to show up on the day of, in the appropriate attire, and relatively sober.

    If I were in your shoes, I would make sure they know that...while I'd love for them to be at X, Y, and/or Z event, I know they live far away.  I know their schedules are crazy.  And if they aren't able to make any events, I completely understand.

    One caution.  You keep talking about "planning".  But you actually shouldn't be planning anything.  If a BM or any friend chooses to plan a shower or bachelorette party for you, then great.  However, because those are events being thrown in your honor, you shouldn't have anything to do with the planning...other than approving the date and maybe giving general ideas of what you do/don't like.

    As such, whichever BM(s) is planning the bachelorette should be the one to get in touch with your MOHs.  I think it would be courteous for her to ask if there is any particular timeframe that would be easier for them.  Or even get a feel for if they could make it at all.  Some might disagree, but I also don't think it would be a big deal if you had a conversation like this with them instead.  Unfortunately, it sounds like any date would be up in the air for both of them.  As such, I don't think anyone should get too caught up in trying to work around their schedules.

    I was a BM in my BFF's wedding.  But she lives halfway across the country from me.  I wasn't able to make her shower because of the distance.  I was able to make her bachelorette party, but that was only because it was two days before the wedding and I was already going to be in town.  Same thing when my sister got married.

    I didn't have a bachelorette party or a shower.  Nobody offered.  Mainly because I was getting married back in my hometown...same halfway across the country place, lol...and I wouldn't have had time to attend a party being thrown for me anyway!

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    charlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited January 16
    Hello!

    I was looking for some insight and advice here. I am getting married in a year, and I actually have two MOHs (they are twins, and I have known them since I was 4. They are the closest people to sisters that I will ever have, and though they obviously are two unique individuals, choosing one over the other is just not fathomable). Here's the dilemma: they both live thousands of miles away, and one of them is in her residency, while the other is defending her PHD dissertation this year. They're both brilliant, awesome, SUCCESSFUL women, and the timing of my wedding TOTALLY sucks for them. I do not harbor any sort of resentment towards them whatsoever for their busy schedules and grad-student budgets (I've been there), but I do want to make sure that I am able to be practical here in regards to certain wedding events.

    In particular, it is time to plan the bachelorette party. All of my other 7 bridesmaids are able to make one date work, but it's going to be very challenging for both MOHs to be there. It might be possible, but it will definitely be stressful, and a whole lot to ask of them. I spoke with one the other day, and she told me that she will do her best, but worse comes to worst, we could do it without her. Is this an option even worth considering?? I don't want to exclude her, but at the same time, I don't want her to be bending over backwards and traveling miles, spending hundreds of dollars, etc., all while gearing up for the most important month of her career and life. My other MOH won't even know her schedule until much later due to her job, so it's about a 50/50 whether she will be able to make it. I already feel like I have asked way too much of these women to be my MOHs, but at the same time, I know that they are proud to have that title, even if it is stressful for their current lifestyle. I guess I'm looking for validation that it's okay to have less involved MOHs? I know that this bachelorette party issue will continue into bridal shower planning, perhaps even the rehearsal dinner, etc. etc.

    Have any of you had a very hands-off MOH? Have you had a MOH that didn't go to your bachelorette party or bridal shower? Is it okay for me to proceed and plan things without them, and just hope that they can make it? Does this lift a burden, or would it be offensive?

    Of course, I plan to have an honest conversation with each of them very soon about all this, but the internet never fails to give unique perspective, and I would love to receive some input before moving forward :-)
    1) You shouldn't be planning any of this. It's your job to plan the wedding. When someone offers to throw a b-party or shower, it is their responsibility to plan it. Part of that planning is selecting a date that works for as many VIPs as possible.

    2) With your MOHs thousands of miles away, it's possible that neither of them would be able to attend these parties. That's perfectly fine. There is no requirement or expectation that MOHs be at these events. It's not all that common for people to travel to attend showers and b-parties anyway. 

    3) A year away from the wedding is too early to be planning these things. Typically, someone would start thinking about these things and offer to host within the last 3-6 months before the wedding. If someone volunteers to host this early, great, but it's too early for them to be trying to get anyone to commit to a date. 
    InLoveInQueensCMGragainshort+sassymollybarker11
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I agree with @MyNameIsNot ... you're too far out to plan a bachelorette party and you may be anticipating problems that may not even happen.

    FWIW, my sister had 2 MOHs and one of them lived across the country and couldn't attend any pre-wedding events.  NBD.



    Anniversary
    STARMOON44CMGragainshort+sassy
  • The job of an MOH is to stand immediately next to you while you say your vows. Maybe hold your bouquet and maybe sign the marriage license. If they are doing that, they're filling the role. Period.

    Everything else is fluff and nice things.

    If someone else is throwing your bachelorette at a certain time and they can't go, oh well. They're extremely busy people on shoe string budgets. Flying across the country to party with friends is kind of unrealistic. They may also not be able to afford the time or money to attend the shower either. That's ok. It has nothing to do with their "title" in your wedding. You picked them because you love them. And you know they'll be there on your wedding day. That's all that matters.
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    charlotte989875knottie2ddb4175c25e9c51CMGragainshort+sassy
  • I was that friend; in a number of weddings in my last year of grad school/first year of my first tenure-track job, and it sucked to miss things. But it sucked even more for people not to invite me because they didn't think I could afford/had time/was able to go. Invite them to what is being planned and let them make the decision if they can attend.
    knottie2ddb4175c25e9c51short+sassy
  • To everyone saying it's too early to begin planning: I totally see what you're saying, but I guess I should have specified that most of my BMs are teachers (so am I), and two are in grad school, so it's pretty clear that a summer bachelorette party would be easiest for everyone, even though the wedding itself is in January. I don't mind having it early, because if people are going to be flying around, it's much better for them to have some buffer days when school isn't in session. Since we are all so busy, believe it or not, many of their summer schedules are already beginning to fill. Hence, me worrying about this nonsense this far out.

    Also, don't worry, I will let my BMs plan it for me (and a few have already expressed eagerness to do so. They're just waiting on whether or not the MOHs want to). I was just taking on the responsibility of communicating with everyone to find the date, since that's a hassle, and I'm the only person who knows everyone. Maybe I'm overstepping? I plan to hand things over once a date is set. Sigh. My type A is showing, isn't it...

    Thank you all for your awesome advice. It's becoming more and more clear to me that (thankfully!!) the MOHs' only true responsibilities lie on the day of. It's true--I picked them because I love them, not because I need them to plan or even be present for every tiny pre-wedding event. I have a great group of organized women, some of whom have much more control over their schedules, so it's not like there is any shortage of potential event planners and helpers.

    Thank you thank you thank you! I feel much better. I will talk with my MOHs this week and check in. I just want to be the most accommodating friend that I can :-)
    CMGragainsouthernbelle0915short+sassy
  • To everyone saying it's too early to begin planning: I totally see what you're saying, but I guess I should have specified that most of my BMs are teachers (so am I), and two are in grad school, so it's pretty clear that a summer bachelorette party would be easiest for everyone, even though the wedding itself is in January. I don't mind having it early, because if people are going to be flying around, it's much better for them to have some buffer days when school isn't in session. Since we are all so busy, believe it or not, many of their summer schedules are already beginning to fill. Hence, me worrying about this nonsense this far out.

    Also, don't worry, I will let my BMs plan it for me (and a few have already expressed eagerness to do so. They're just waiting on whether or not the MOHs want to). I was just taking on the responsibility of communicating with everyone to find the date, since that's a hassle, and I'm the only person who knows everyone. Maybe I'm overstepping? I plan to hand things over once a date is set. Sigh. My type A is showing, isn't it...

    Thank you all for your awesome advice. It's becoming more and more clear to me that (thankfully!!) the MOHs' only true responsibilities lie on the day of. It's true--I picked them because I love them, not because I need them to plan or even be present for every tiny pre-wedding event. I have a great group of organized women, some of whom have much more control over their schedules, so it's not like there is any shortage of potential event planners and helpers.

    Thank you thank you thank you! I feel much better. I will talk with my MOHs this week and check in. I just want to be the most accommodating friend that I can :-)
    It still sounds like you're planning that there is and event, and then letting them plan the event once it is scheduled. What PPs are trying to say is that you need to let your bridal party offer to have an event in the first place. Maybe it's an assumption in your crew, maybe other people have planned events for themselves in the past, but you really should back off and let them offer to host an event for you; when they do you can provide them with your schedule and let them work it out. It really is on them to communicate with one another if one of them (or a few of them) have offered to host a party for you. 
    InLoveInQueens
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited January 17
    We see so many posts from brides who chose their wedding party too early!  It is one of the most common issues.  We usually recommend that you choose your wedding party no earlier than ten month out from your wedding date.
    Do remember that showers and bachelorette parties are completely optional.  Many brides do not have them at all.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • I don't really think it's a big deal that y'all are planning so far in advance. It sounds like this is a destination bachelorette (versus going to a local bar). For me anyway, that would mean I need a lot of notice. And summer sounds like it fits with everyone's schedules, so cool.

    I think what others are saying is that by "getting the ball rolling" and "picking a date", you're making the assumption that your friends will chip in to throw you a bach (they really don't have a choice once you say it's happening on a certain date). It's not the worst thing in the world, especially because they've expressed eagerness in planning it. 

    You sound super reasonable, so I would just let this go. Pass the planning torch to your BMs and focus your type A on the wedding. Or maybe plan a "last trip as fiances" getaway for you and your FI to occupy your mind. :)
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    short+sassyMesmrEwe
  • STARMOON44STARMOON44
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    edited January 18
     
    CMGragain said:
    We see so many posts from brides who chose their wedding party too early!  It is one of the most common issues.  We usually recommend that you choose your wedding party no earlier than ten month out from your wedding date.
    Do remember that showers and bachelorette parties are completely optional.  Many brides do not have them at all.
    Nothing about this seems at all like she chose her wedding party too early. 
    kahluakoalaMesmrEwekwiksilver
  • Looking at everyone's schedules and mutually choosing a date with people who are likely to be traveling early during the summer when people have time is a good thing, but first confirm that that's what THEY want to do, and that they can afford the travel (with grad school, they may say they can't)... But then hand the rest over to them even if they make zero plans other than "Tell everyone we're meeting here first at X time!"..  And go with it because you see, you're going to have a great time surrounded by everyone no matter what!
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    short+sassy
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