If he has $500/mo for weed, he can buy his own damn car.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
I’m in a pickle, or rather my son is. He is 17, is about to graduate high school, and likes to smoke pot, which is illegal in my state. He has been through a teen-intervention course for having pot and paraphernalia in his vehicle (teen court, tour of the jail, the works), and we thought that would scare him, but once he met his community service requirements, he started smoking again. This past December, between his work and holiday money, he spent about $500 on pot. He wants to move out and live on his own when he is 18—he says his goals are to just “work and smoke pot.”

We have a college fund for him and are paying for his car. He can’t afford to take over car payments or get a loan. I refuse to have him drive a car that is in my name when he has been smoking. So we’re considering cashing in the college fund so he can pay off his car and get started. On the one hand, he can figure out how to pay for college himself—lots of kids do! On the other hand, I feel like a crap parent for making it hard on him, and I don’t want illegal drugs in my home. My question is this: Do I accept the decision of a 17-year-old who is pretty mature and competent, or give it more time and hope for a change? We’re getting close to when he wants to move out, and I really don’t want the liability of a car in my name being driven around by him or his friends with pot or paraphernalia in it.
—Hard Line?

Ro041

I would probably give him the choice.  If he is so "mature and competent" let him decide if he wants the car paid off so he can keep it, or he wants the college fund, in which case, he doesn't have a car.  Let him decide.  And if he keeps the car, take him off your insurance.

MissKittyDanger

Stop paying the car. He'll learn priorities quick.

Agreed with title. If he can pay $500 for weed, he can pay a vehicle.

kvruns

I would keep the college money in tact and tell him if he isn't going to college then he will need to work to afford the car. If the concern is about him driving the parent's car then sell the existing car, maybe give him a little $ for a downpayment and he can buy his own. Although I'm guessing he may struggle to get a car loan at 18 but perhaps parent can co-sign.

Not to mention how is he going to afford to live on his own if he can't even afford a car payment. 

ei34

I’d give him the choice of quitting marijuana and having use of the car, or continuing with the MJ but no car.  I work at a high school...the weed life and having a car are both important to a lot of them.  I’d make my kid choose.

I wouldn’t cash in the college fund for anything right now.  One year of working some (probably) minimum wage job and seeing how many hours you have to work to support yourself might have him wanting to go to college like some of his friends.  Maybe/hopefully enroll a year later?

charlotte989875

I would keep the college fund as it is; it's your money that you set aside for a specific purpose. As for the car, I'd tell him if he can make the payment on it, plus the insurance payment, he can continue to use it as he sees fit, but that you are not paying for him to drive recklessly and potentially get in an accident and increase your own premiums.

If he wants to act like and be treated like an adult, then he needs to accept the responsibilities of doing so; which involves paying for things like cars, apartments, and insurance, not just getting to smoke pot whenever you want.

levioosa

Let him move out and smoke pot and see how that works out for him. I wouldn’t let him use a car in my name. When my brother got into his accident everyone in my immediate family had to sign a waiver on our auto insurances expressly stating that he was not going to drive our cars. I wasn’t even living at home at the time and I still had to add the qualifier on. If he ever drives one of our cars and is in an accident, we lose our insurance and insurance will not pay for the claim. 

LW should take her name off of the car. She can be held liable for anything stupid her son does while she’s on it. She could even lose her home. 

lovesclimbing

Keep the money and keep the car once he leaves. My parents did not pay for my college education and they didn't pay for my vehicle. They had a vehicle I drove in high school that stayed there and my younger siblings drove. When I was in college, I survived on the public transit system. No biggie. 

It sounds like this kid needs a good dose of adult responsibilities. 

southernbelle0915

"Do I accept the decision of a 17 y/o who is pretty mature and competent?"

Hmm...is he though? Or has he been leaching off parents who make his life too easy and enable an activity that's been getting him into legal trouble?

If he's truly "mature and competent" and wants to live on his own, let him. Key words: ON HIS OWN. Remove the financial tits (including the car) from his mouth and see how he does. My guess is he's not as mature and competent as you think and he will find budgeting is hard when he's spent his whole life using every last dollar he has on fun stuff.

mrsconn23

We're dealing with some stuff with the kiddo right now.  I want to shake this lady and tell her that she's gotta stop enabling her kid and/or worrying about his fucking feelings.  He's on a path to limit his future opportunities between his activities and attitude.  

If you don't start taking a harder line with him, he's going to be YOUR PROBLEM well beyond 18. 

Dear GOD, listen to yourself woman.  You have a pot-smoking, lazy AF, aimless son and you're worried about being 'too hard' on him. GTFO here with that shit. 

baconsmom

*faints dead away at those weed prices*

mrsconn23

baconsmom said:

*faints dead away at those weed prices*

Or if you're smoking $500 in weed a month, how in the fuck are you accomplishing anything else?  I can only imagine a $500/month weed habit means you're smoking that shit around the clock, even if you are buying top of the line strains. 

OR he's fucking dealing and that's an even bigger headache for LW, because the gov't will steal ALL your shit if they think they can go after you for distribution. 

Again, LW is a fucking moron to tiptoe around this as to not cause negative 'feels' in her son. 

southernbelle0915

baconsmom said:

*faints dead away at those weed prices*

Yup. To smoke $500 worth of weed in the last 3 weeks means: 1) you are literally high all the time; 2) your contact is making a lot of money off you; and/or 3) I want to try whatever that is. 

charlotte989875

southernbelle0915 said:

baconsmom said:

*faints dead away at those weed prices*

Yup. To smoke $500 worth of weed in the last 3 weeks means: 1) you are literally high all the time; 2) your contact is making a lot of money off you; and/or 3) I want to try whatever that is. 

$500 a year would still get you some good weed around here. 

*Barbie*

southernbelle0915 said:

"Do I accept the decision of a 17 y/o who is pretty mature and competent?"

Hmm...is he though? Or has he been leaching off parents who make his life too easy and enable an activity that's been getting him into legal trouble?

If he's truly "mature and competent" and wants to live on his own, let him. Key words: ON HIS OWN. Remove the financial tits (including the car) from his mouth and see how he does. My guess is he's not as mature and competent as you think and he will find budgeting is hard when he's spent his whole life using every last dollar he has on fun stuff.

100% all of this.

he can turn 18, move out and smoke to his heart's content - legally or illegally - i'm just not supporting it financially. he makes that choice, the car stays at home, and the college account gets reallocated. (maybe i'm a hardass, but if i was the parent here, i wouldn't be holding that money waiting on him to get bitch-slapped by life and come crawling back. adults pay their own way. he wants to be treated like an adult, he can figure it out.)

STARMOON44

If he can’t afford the car payments or a loan, guess he’ll lose that car

MesmrEwe

Can we say "Enablers"...  SNS - if Weed is illegal in the state they live and the kid has spent that much on an illegal substance, they need to quit enabling and figure out the what is causing him to do so because he's not mature, he's being coddled and enabled.  Time for a mock "Be Careful What You Wish For!" to help him discover maybe cleaning up and college isn't such a bad idea...  Start with no keys to the car until he can pass a second test in a row (available conveniently at Walgreen's and Walmart!)...  

banana468

Sorry Mom but you can't have it both ways.   Kid isn't going to learn life's hard lessons if you're there to pick him up every time.  Cut him loose.   Stop paying for the car, kick him out of the house and tell him to get his own insurance.   Maybe he has a substance abuse issue and needs to go to rehab or maybe he's just effing lazy.  Stop enabling the lazy.

Story time:  11 years ago on Halloween DH and I were living in the condo and our bedroom faced the street.   It was approaching midnight, the TV was on so we could sleep and in our half asleep state we heard a car come peeling around the corner at high speed and heard a crash.   We quickly realized that it wasn't the TV and some guy in a truck crashed into our next door neighbor's parked car on the street.

The truck was in bad shape.   And it was clear that anyone who did that had to be over-served.   THEN, the driver cranked his car into reverse, pulled out and drove away.  

I called 911 to report it and found that I wasn't the only one who just phoned it in.   Another neighbor took off down the street.  The truck was in such bad shape that if you drove with your high beams on, YOU COULD TRACE THE TIRE TRACKS FROM THE ACCIDENT AS HE DROVE.  The tracks ended about half a block down the road and we found out that the driver lived there with his parents.

Cops came, took a statement from our neighbor who woke up wondering how the hell he was getting to work in the morning and then walked down to the house.   The parents FLAT OUT LIED and said that he wasn't there.   They knew that if they lied the cops couldn't come in without a warrant and the penalty of leaving the scene was not as bad as drunk driving AND fleeing the scene.

The driver was easily in his late 20s.   The cops walked away and said, "They said he wasn't home but we've dealt with them before."  It was quite clear that this guy was a problem and his parents were just used to enabling him to protect him.   I'm not sure if they still live there but they did a grown man no favors.   

short+sassy

Wait, what?

Why did no one tell me that working a low level job and being partially supported by my parents after high school was an option?

Darn it!  I'm not a pot smoker, but I could have been drinking mimosas all day.

Seriously though.  Never mind the illegal part for a sec...which I think are eye rolling, ridiculous bs laws anyway...but pot, just like alcohol, has a time and a place for those who partake.  Overuse, of either one, is a huge problem in one's life and is an addiction.

The LW's son is still so young.  The longer he has his pot addiction the worst and more entrenched it is going to get.  He doesn't see he has a problem yet.  So let him fail as fast as possible.  Maybe then, he'll see he needs and will want treatment for his addiction.  Use his college fund for that.