Mother/Son Dance

knottiec20b5a25e19d704c

So, my FMIL brought up to my FH that she wants a Mother/Son spotlight dance... FH said he doesn't care one way or the other, but I have honestly never seen this done at a wedding and find it odd... I guess I just assumed he would dance with his mother later in the evening, just not as a spotlight dance. Aside from me thinking it to be odd, I also think it could/will take up just a lot of time and add to the "boring" part of the wedding; we are not being very traditional and want a fun and upbeat atmosphere. I feel like more spotlight dances would just be... blah. Is that bad of me? I didn't even know they were a thing until she asked.

kahluakoala

They're a little bit boring, but they are a thing, at least in my region (Northeast). I would do a minute and half of a song for father/daughter dance, and a minute and a half of a song for a mother/son dance and have them back to back. Basically, there will be two spotlight dances. A first dance and a parent dance, the parent dance first half will be father/daughter, and second half will be mother/son.

levioosa

knottiec20b5a25e19d704c said:

So, my FMIL brought up to my FH that she wants a Mother/Son spotlight dance... FH said he doesn't care one way or the other, but I have honestly never seen this done at a wedding and find it odd... I guess I just assumed he would dance with his mother later in the evening, just not as a spotlight dance. Aside from me thinking it to be odd, I also think it could/will take up just a lot of time and add to the "boring" part of the wedding; we are not being very traditional and want a fun and upbeat atmosphere. I feel like more spotlight dances would just be... blah. Is that bad of me? I didn't even know they were a thing until she asked.

I've seen a mother/son, father/daughter spotlight dance at almost every wedding I've been to. They're pretty common. Yeah, all spotlight dances are a bit boring, but if you shorten the song (no one wants to sit through multiple 5 min songs), they're not so bad. 

If your MIL is contributing to the wedding, I would definitely give this one to her. It will be a short blip in the day and you will barely notice in the end. 

knottiec20b5a25e19d704c

She actually is not contributing anything to the wedding, and she has made this whole planning time period pretty bad for us, to say the least.

Jen4948

knottiec20b5a25e19d704c said:

She actually is not contributing anything to the wedding, and she has made this whole planning time period pretty bad for us, to say the least.

I can understand your not wanting to make any concessions to your FMIL under the circumstances, but I think I would let your FI decide whether or not there is a mother/son dance. If he doesn't want to do this, then you can put your feet down together, but if he does, I'd probably let this one go just because it wouldn't be my hill to die on. But that's me-if you think she's likely to try to use it for further leverage over the plans, then I think you and your FI should decide together where to set a boundary and firmly enforce it.

missfrodo

If you have a good relationship with your father/father figure, I'd do a combo father/daughter, mother/son dance, which is what we did at ours.  H even made a slideshow to play in the background, with pics of us growing up, and our parents loved it.  I agree with others though that if you and/or FI are vehemently against this, have FI tell her no (blood talks to blood-don't get involved in this yourself, or she'll make you out to be the bad guy), but in the grand scheme of things a parent dance will not make or break your wedding.

southernbelle0915

The traditional spotlight dances are mother/son, father/daughter, and the couple. I don’t think I’ve ever been at a wedding (with dancing) that hasn’t had these three dances. 

Honestly, all three spotlight dances combined take less than 15 minutes. The only time I ever roll my eyes is when people try to do choreographed stuff. Otherwise, it’s normal and not boring.

Let your FMIL have these 3-4 minutes. She raised the man you love and it’s obviously important to her. 

ei34

Mother/son dances are as common as father/daughter dances in my experience.  My H danced w his stepmother while I danced w my father...this may be a good solution for you guys, since you’re concerned about an additional dance adding to the “boring” part.  I didn’t want our guests being held captive for an extra song either- sharing the spotlight dance is a good solution.

banana468

Are you having a father daughter dance?

knottiec20b5a25e19d704c

I totally get the suggestions to share the dance with mine and my father's will eliminate the extra time, but I just don't want to share that moment with her. She has truly been horrific to us through the planning process. Any relationship we could have had is out the window with what she has done to us. I tried to make amends, forgive and forget, but it just got so horrible. I didn't want this post to be about this, though, I basically was hoping for people to agree that it's just not as traditional as a father/daughter dance, and to let my FH and FMIL dance to a special song later in the evening but not as a spotlight dance (because a big part of me just doesn't want her to have a special moment on our wedding day, the day she has tried to ruin in so many ways). I basically just wanted my own thoughts backed up so I could say "See, this isn't weird, lots of people agree!"  

charlotte989875

knottiec20b5a25e19d704c said:

I totally get the suggestions to share the dance with mine and my father's will eliminate the extra time, but I just don't want to share that moment with her. She has truly been horrific to us through the planning process. Any relationship we could have had is out the window with what she has done to us. I tried to make amends, forgive and forget, but it just got so horrible. I didn't want this post to be about this, though, I basically was hoping for people to agree that it's just not as traditional as a father/daughter dance, and to let my FH and FMIL dance to a special song later in the evening but not as a spotlight dance (because a big part of me just doesn't want her to have a special moment on our wedding day, the day she has tried to ruin in so many ways). I basically just wanted my own thoughts backed up so I could say "See, this isn't weird, lots of people agree!"  

What does your FI want to do? If he wants to dance with his mother you need to drop this and let it go. Yes, even if she's horrible. If he doesn't want to do it then he needs to tell her, not you. 

Sounds like you have a lot of animosity toward your FMIL. Maybe it's warranted, maybe it's not, but it sounds like she's in your lives (or at least in your FI's life). It also sounds like you want to say no just to be spiteful, which is in all likelihood only going to make the relationship with her worse. 

MRDCle

knottiec20b5a25e19d704c said:

I totally get the suggestions to share the dance with mine and my father's will eliminate the extra time, but I just don't want to share that moment with her. She has truly been horrific to us through the planning process. Any relationship we could have had is out the window with what she has done to us. I tried to make amends, forgive and forget, but it just got so horrible. I didn't want this post to be about this, though, I basically was hoping for people to agree that it's just not as traditional as a father/daughter dance, and to let my FH and FMIL dance to a special song later in the evening but not as a spotlight dance (because a big part of me just doesn't want her to have a special moment on our wedding day, the day she has tried to ruin in so many ways). I basically just wanted my own thoughts backed up so I could say "See, this isn't weird, lots of people agree!"  

That's the problem with the internet. It's not just an echo chamber.  If your FI agrees that's she's been truly heinous and doesn't want to have a spotlight dance with her, that's for him to decide and tell her.  But any wedding I've been to has had both. 

holyguacamole79

If I went to a wedding and there was a father / daughter dance with the bride & FOB but not a dance with the groom & his mother (assuming she's alive and at the wedding), I'd be side-eyeing it a bit.

If your FI wants to do it, do it.  Consider it a moment for you to go to the bathroom or get a drink.

banana468

knottiec20b5a25e19d704c said:

I totally get the suggestions to share the dance with mine and my father's will eliminate the extra time, but I just don't want to share that moment with her. She has truly been horrific to us through the planning process. Any relationship we could have had is out the window with what she has done to us. I tried to make amends, forgive and forget, but it just got so horrible. I didn't want this post to be about this, though, I basically was hoping for people to agree that it's just not as traditional as a father/daughter dance, and to let my FH and FMIL dance to a special song later in the evening but not as a spotlight dance (because a big part of me just doesn't want her to have a special moment on our wedding day, the day she has tried to ruin in so many ways). I basically just wanted my own thoughts backed up so I could say "See, this isn't weird, lots of people agree!"  

Well, at least you admitted that you wanted backup.

Unfortunately (for you) at every wedding I've attended with dancing, if the bride danced with her dad, the groom had a spotlight dance with his mom.  That goes back as far as at least the first wedding I attended that had dancing and that was back in 1994.   That's over two decades telling me (and YOU) that a mother/son dance is common.

Look - I don't doubt that your MIL to be can be a pain.  But PLEASE do not use your wedding as a punishment/reward system.   It will hurt your FMIL but more importantly, it can hurt your FI/DH and the entire relationship that you have with one another.  

One friend has a particularly stressful relationship with her MIL.   The song her MIL picked for the mother/son dance was TERRIBLE.   She used it as an excuse to get out of the way.

Here's what I would do:
-MIL gets to pick the song.   She and your FI get a mother/son dance
-MIL does not get to interact with the DJ for anything else if she's not paying.
-You don't have to participate in their dance.   If anything, that can be a time that you scoot away to do something else.   You can even create a little white lie and say that someone just asked you an important question / you need something, etc.  
-When the dance is over, you go back to do your thing.   Your FMIL is happy, you smile and all of you move on.

If you use your wedding as a platform for your control it's not going to go well.   And trust that someone who is trying to manipulate you through other situations won't stop at the wedding day.   However if you smile at her, hug her and know that she has this moment, it's all going to reflect far better on you than the current proposal you have out now. 

In the meantime, pick your battles.  Remember - the wedding isn't the end but the beginning.  I've had my share of issues with my MIL but now we're on great terms and I love the grandmother she is to my kids.  

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

southernbelle0915

I get awful in-laws. I really do. Lord knows MANY people on these boards have horrible in-law stories. And I'm sure you have your reasons for despising yours. 

It sounds like you want to use your "power" over the situation to deny her this moment. Because you can. Because she's awful. I get the temptation to do that. I really, REALLY do. But don't do it. It's not right and you should take the high road. Be the adult here, even when she probably hasn't been. 

Once y'all are your own family (and maybe you have a family), you will have LOTS more power over situations that you can exercise. Holidays, grandchildren, vacations. 

She raised the man you love and she wants 3-4 minutes to "see him off" (same as your dad probably wants with you). Give it to her. What goes around and all that....imagine if your future kids marry someone who denies this moment to you or your FI. 

MRDCle

southernbelle0915 said:

I get awful in-laws. I really do. Lord knows MANY people on these boards have horrible in-law stories. And I'm sure you have your reasons for despising yours. 

It sounds like you want to use your "power" over the situation to deny her this moment. Because you can. Because she's awful. I get the temptation to do that. I really, REALLY do. But don't do it. It's not right and you should take the high road. Be the adult here, even when she probably hasn't been. 

Once y'all are your own family (and maybe you have a family), you will have LOTS more power over situations that you can exercise. Holidays, grandchildren, vacations. 

She raised the man you love and she wants 3-4 minutes to "see him off" (same as your dad probably wants with you). Give it to her. What goes around and all that....imagine if your future kids marry someone who denies this moment to you or your FI. 

Yes - reading this I'm picturing if my future DIL/SIL denied me a chance to dance with my son, and it's a huge bummer.

holyguacamole79

banana468 said:

Look - I don't doubt that your MIL to be can be a pain.  But PLEASE do not use your wedding as a punishment/reward system.   It will hurt your FMIL but more importantly, it can hurt your FI/DH and the entire relationship that you have with one another.  

fddg

ILoveBeachMusic

I agree with PPs take the high road and allow her to have this moment ( if your FI agrees) go powder your nose or something during that time. I guarantee you that if you refuse this request she will let her entire group of family and friends know how horrible you were in not letting her have a mother/son dance. That will only make you look bad and not her.