"So, how much time you got left?!"

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My friend is dying of cancer. She is very private, especially about her health, but she has managed to update her closest friends, including me, along the way. Most recently she said the doctors told her the cancer is too aggressive to stop and that at this point they are just trying to “slow it down.” I assume that her doctors gave her an estimate of how much time she has left, but she did not say that. Can I ask her? If so, how? I want to know because I love her, not out of some prurient interest or curiosity. I will not tell anyone else, and I’m sure my friend will implicitly trust my motives and intentions.

—Trying to Find a Way to Ask

mrsconn23

This pisses me off on so many levels. 

LW only wants to ask for her own selfishness, just stop it.  You're not the one going through this. 

There is no prescribed death date.  I mean, if you're that close with this person, you'll see their decline.  I've watched someone die of terminal cancer.  You. Fucking. Know. 

There's no way to ask and not put the SICK PERSON in a fucking terrible position.  They know they are going to die from the disease and die sooner than they ever imagined. 

It's time to focus on improving the quality of the time they have left instead of worrying about how much time.  Ask what you can do for your friend to make the time left easier for them.  

charlotte989875

Why in the world would you think you're entitled to this information?! 

She has given you all the information you need; she is dying. She doesn't know when, but it will happen. Get your head out of your ass and be there for your friend. 

(I'm a little fired up this morning). 

southernbelle0915

Ask yourself, "why do I want this information?" and "how will it benefit my friend?" Very likely the reason is "because I'm curious" and "it won't". 

If you want to do something nice for your dying friend, just do it now. If you have words you want to say, say them now. Then let the chips fall as they will. Concentrate on what's left of her LIFE, not when she's going to DIE. 

short+sassy

What a weird "concern" to have.  LW, from what your friend has told you, you can assume it is soon.  Will it really matter for your own actions/preparedness if it is X amount of weeks or months?  It doesn't, so don't pester your sick friend with information that she has already chosen not to provide.  Continue to be a supportive and loving friend to her for however much times is left.  Offer your time and ask what you can do to help.  Whether that's grocery shopping, cleaning, running errands for her, etc.

MissKittyDanger

If she wanted you to know, she would have told you. Drop the fucking entitlement.

I know when M's sFIL's SIL was dying of cancer, she didn't physically tell everyone but it wasn't a secret so sFIL kept us informed.
Did we ever feel like we were entitled to know? No.

ShesSoCold

Can you imagine how hard it would be to tell someone that you're going to die, period, but let alone in X time frame? I cannot.

When my mom was in the position of LW's friend, she was pretty open about it. But this was her choice and her way of obtaining closure for herself. Even with how open she was, I don't recall her ever saying anything about the timeframe itself.

LW, in short, STFU.