Fiance not invited to my cousin's wedding

ann9192

I recently recieved an invitation to my cousin's wedding, and was surprised to find that my fiance was not invited. In fact, I was lumped in with my parent's invitation (which in my mind is reserved for children). A little background, I am 26 years old (a year older than my cousin who is getting married) and have not lived with my parents since college. My fiance and I have been dating for over 8 years, and recently got engaged in the beginning of December. We have also lived together for the past 4 years. Although I am not particularly close with my cousin anymore, we were very close growing up and my fiance has met him at least 3 times. Before I recieved the inviatation to his wedding, I had already included him and his future wife (who I've never met) on my wedding guest list. Also important to know, they are both Italian and have huge families so I know the wedding is not going to be small. 

I guess my question is what would you do? Decline the invitation or just be the better person and go to the wedding? I figured his fiance is the one probably doing everything and maybe it was an oversight? Still, I am a bit hurt. I know people will be asking where my fiance is at the wedding, what should I tell them if I do go? As I've been making my own wedding guest list I always ask my fiance if I'm unsure about any of his family's relationship status (or I just use facebook haha) and I guess others just don't do the same. 

Jen4948

Contact your cousin and clarify the situation. He and his FI may have made an oversight as opposed to a deliberate omission of your FI. And if it turns out that he and his FI aren't willing to invite your FI, don't accept the invitation.

downtondiva

Before you decide whether to attend or not, you should talk to your cousin. This isn't a case of you being a truly single person who wants to bring a plus one. This is your fiance we are talking about here, and it's wrong for them not to invite him. It may have been an oversight; these things happen. But if they are deliberately not inviting him and won't change their minds, then you should decline the invitation, because that's just disrespectful of your relationship.

STARMOON44

I would call and ask

ILoveBeachMusic

I agree - call and ask. It could be an oversight so give them the benefit of the doubt. If they don't include your FI don't go.

kahluakoala

Step 1 - call and ask, there will be one of two answers.

Answer 1: "Omg of course your FI is invited! I just don' tknow anything about etiquette" - obviously she won't say this but cleary it's the case! Personally I'd be like, "oh ok, great thanks! I'll let you know if we can make it. You know, I don't usually assume I'm invited some place unless my name is on the invite, so if you have any other guests in the same situation I'd like them know". Obviously you don't have to say this, but I would.

Answer 2: "No, sorry due to budget reasons we can't accomodate him" - or something similar. To which I'd be like, "Alright, well, I'm not sure if I can make it without him them. I'll let you know", and then weigh your family dynamics and make a decision on what you'll do feeling no guilt if you end up not going. I'd certainly remember this when you make your guest list.

ShesSoCold

I agree with PPs.

This, almost exact thing, happened to us. We'd been together for years, living together, I can't remember if we were engaged or not. Anyway, I received an invitation to my cousin's wedding at our address. Just me. I went and everyone kept asking me where Brian was. I didn't know how to respond because I didn't want to make Brian look like the ass by not going to a family wedding, but then even the B&G asked where he was! They assumed I'd know he was invited when the invitation only came to me.

Short story long, I should have asked.

MyNameIsNot

Definitely ask. They may just not understand how to address an invitation. Ask your cousin. It's pretty sexist to assume his FI is the only one who knows who is on their guest list.

Assuming your FI is not actually invited, decline the invitation. If anyone asks why you aren't going, it's because you don't go where your FI isn't welcome. If you went without him, you'd be telling him that you'll allow your family to treat him and your relationship badly. That's not being the bigger person.

Leave your cousin and his FI on your guest list regardless. 

ei34

H and I were invited to a baby shower for one of his cousins...our kids weren’t on the invite so my parents watched them.  Every other relative had their kids there and I was asked like 43 times where ours were.  I felt like an ass saying “they weren’t invited” bc the first few people I said that to were like “of course they were! Ours weren’t listed on the invitation we knew it was implied!”..I almost felt martyr-like.  It’s tricky- i didn’t want to ask the host about the omission and make it seem like I was hinting at them coming.  But that’s for my kids.  If my H aka half of a social unit had been omitted from a wedding invitation, I’d def ask for clarification! And if your FI was intentionally not invited, I’d absolutely decline.

SP29

eileenrob said:

H and I were invited to a baby shower for one of his cousins...our kids weren’t on the invite so my parents watched them.  Every other relative had their kids there and I was asked like 43 times where ours were.  I felt like an ass saying “they weren’t invited” bc the first few people I said that to were like “of course they were! Ours weren’t listed on the invitation we knew it was implied!”..I almost felt martyr-like.  It’s tricky- i didn’t want to ask the host about the omission and make it seem like I was hinting at them coming.  But that’s for my kids.  If my H aka half of a social unit had been omitted from a wedding invitation, I’d def ask for clarification! And if your FI was intentionally not invited, I’d absolutely decline.

I think you were still in the right though and it is on the hosts to be clear about who is invited. I also don't show up somewhere, with anyone else, without an explicit invite so my response would be, "They weren't invited". And if someone said, "Of course they are!" I would respond with the above- I don't show up without an invite.

To the OP- 1) you should have received your own invitation, 2) Your FI should have been invited. In this case I would call your cousin an ask, "Hi Cousin, my parents received your invitation for the wedding including my name only on it. I wanted to confirm and see if FI is invited as well". Hopefully it's an oversight and your cousin will say "Oh of course!" but if not, then I would decline the invitation. You shouldn't be invited to a social event (family event no less) without your FI.

ahoywedding

Definitely check with your cousin and ask. If the couple hasn't planned many events, they may not know to send an invite to everyone over 18 and to include significant others on the envelope. I had cousins who were still including my sisters and I on our parents' invite well into our 20's, and my H didn't realize we needed to list his cousins' SO's on the envelope and he figured they would just assume. 

However, if they tell you he's not invited, I probably wouldn't go and I would tell them you don't want to attend without your FI.

southernbelle0915

jadepoisson said:

(snip)

I figured his fiance is the one probably doing everything and maybe it was an oversight? Still, I am a bit hurt. 

(snip)

IDK why this annoys me so much, but it seems really sexist. 

But yea, I agree with everyone else. Call and ask. If your FI isn't invited, I personally would not attend - not in a drama llama sort of way, just would decline without explanation. But I absolutely WOULD be the bigger person and invite them both to your wedding.

ann9192

Just to be clear, the reason I assumed my cousins fiancé was doing most of the planning is because my cousin has been deployed for the past year overseas. I fully believe in the fiancé helping out as much as possible ... I know mine does