I have had this problem with my wedding party getting along with everyone..
Whether it's with eachother, with me, or our parents from either side.
They seem uncooperative, & uninterested.
I've even had a few of them suggest to just scratch the wedding party & making everyone just a guests.
My MOH continues to say she wouldn't wish this kind of pressure on anyone? But really hasn't helped with anything.
She has even said i shouldn't have waited so long to get married (it's been a 2yr engagement to be able to afford a wedding & a house) because the "magic is gone".
I asked them not to throw me a bachelorette party or a shower because my wedding is a destination wedding & I understand expenses are high. My MOH insisted.. but continues to complain about the money.
I've not put pressure on them to have expensive bridesmaid dresses. I've said whatever they are comfortable in.
I really don't know what to do.
I feel demoting people will cause more problems. But I dont know how much more I can take of this.
Re: Wedding party troubles
If you have given them the option to wear what they want, what more is there to talk about??
I don't read anything in your post that says your wedding party refuses to do these things. What is it that you are unhappy about? Please explain.
As for your MOH, tell her again that you do not want or expect a shower or bachelorette party. It is her choice to spend that money if she insists on throwing these events for you, and it's not reasonable for her to complain about it. But however frustrated you may be right now, "demoting" your wedding party will not help anything. Don't do it.
Your MOH kind of sounds like a bad friend TBH. There’s no reason for her to complain about throwing a bachelorette (or a shower) when you explicitly asked her not to throw one.
I do think there’s another side to this story though. Why are your friends in touch with your parents? Why is everyone so negative (unless they’re normally like this and it’s par for the course)?
Other than for pre-wedding events, many bridal party members have zero need to be in communication with each other, let alone parents of the bride and/or groom.
I do wish OP would return to answer some of these questions and to clarify her story. I still have to wonder if the wedding party was aware that this would be a destination wedding when they accepted their role in the wedding. I am also dying to know how one is "demoted" in a wedding party. Either you're in, or you're out, no?
It sounds like you're not asking too much of your BMs, and it's great you let them choose their dress and acknowledge that a destination wedding is costly for everyone. Is there something else going on in your MOH's life that may be causing her to act out of character? Or is this type of behavior normal for her? If it's not, can you reach out to her as a friend and see what's going on with her?
Unless a friend steps down, "demoting" them from bridesmaid to wedding guest is usually a friendship ending move, so you may not want that to be your first step.
Yes they knew it was a destination wedding when accepting.
No I didn't talk about the wedding for the whole 2 years. I would continue with life, ask them about theirs & not mention anything about the wedding unless they asked first, as I still do now.
I do admit that I picked a wedding party too early probably, but like anyone I was naive that problems wouldn't arise.
Everyone is involved with eachother because our parents want to help with the shower as well. (Which I don't know if maybe all the stress is stemming from there & communicating with one another).
I wasn't planning on just telling people they were thrown out of the wedding party. I said demoting them as an extension of some of them saying I should scrap the wedding party all together because I acknowledged it would cause more problems.
I just posted here to see if anyone had any similar problems, if they were able to solve them & see if anyone had any good advice to move forward.
But I think im going to just grin & bare it ladies. Im going to keep planning away & hope things turn out for the best. (But maybe that's just me being naive again. Lol)
Thanks
Next, it's up to you to choose drama or choose a different route. Ask yourself if you are in fact contributing to the drama, and do something else instead. Something we frequently recommend on here is the fine art of making good "Bean Dip"... For example: MOH "Whine whine whine, let me drag you into some drama..." You "Wow! - have you tried some of that new coffee from the local gas station - I'm amazed at how really good that stuff is?" Bean dip is a fancy way of saying change the subject to break the state the drama is causing.
But here's how I think you CAN handle it:
Bridesmaid: "you should just scrap the wedding party all together."
You: "I'd really like for you to stand up with me when I get married, but if you don't want to, you're welcome to attend as a guest. No hard feelings."
Now the ball is in their court to decide - not yours.
This. If the moms are throwing a shower, they need to throw the shower. They should not be pressuring anyone else into helping. This might be a conversation you want to have with them..