MOH Dress Disaster

knottied6a90120757a5f3e

My MOH lives in a different state, so it is making dress shopping difficult. I don’t expect her to always drive to me, so after a few failed attempts, we decided that she would go to a shop near her home that has the same designer as one near my home. Gave her the name of the designer and the color.   Now here is the issue. She ordered her dress, from a different designer than discussed and not the shade of blue we had discussed.  She didn’t even call me before ordering. Said there was only one dress in the entire store that looked good on her, so she ordered it.  Do I suck it up and move on? She said it can’t be cancelled, and I’m not sure how to handle this. 

missJeanLouise

knottied6a90120757a5f3e said:

My MOH lives in a different state, so it is making dress shopping difficult. I don’t expect her to always drive to me, so after a few failed attempts, we decided that she would go to a shop near her home that has the same designer as one near my home. Gave her the name of the designer and the color.   Now here is the issue. She ordered her dress, from a different designer than discussed and not the shade of blue we had discussed.  She didn’t even call me before ordering. Said there was only one dress in the entire store that looked good on her, so she ordered it.  Do I suck it up and move on? She said it can’t be cancelled, and I’m not sure how to handle this. 

Yes. Since it is just your MOH it will look purposeful. At the end of the day, it won’t matter.

CMGragain

My daughter's three maids had slightly different shades of blue and different designers.  It looked beautiful!  Matchy-matchy is over with.

downtondiva

I think your MOH should've let you know that she wanted/needed to buy something other than what you had discussed before she made an order that couldn't be changed. Having said that, I don't recommend dying on this hill. Unless she bought something in an outrageously different color or style from what you requested, I'm sure it'll look fine and people will probably hardly notice. It's not worth getting into any sort of dispute with her.

ILoveBeachMusic

I agree with @missJeanLouise, since it is your MOH it will look purposeful. Often the MOH will wear a different color/dress than the rest of the bridal party. NBD. I do think she should have told you she couldn't find what you asked her to get but can't do anything about that now.

STARMOON44

That’s really obnoxious of her, but I’d try to let it go. 

artbyallie

Given that your options are to let it go or potentially lose a friend over a DRESS, I'd let it go.

ETA: Also, this does not in any way qualify as a 'disaster.'

knottied6a90120757a5f3e

Thanks for your feedback, all.

eileenrob

I’d try to let it go.  I understand why you feel frustrated though.

banana468

I think you have every right to be annoyed but as long as we're talking similar color families and formalities I'd let it go.  

southernbelle0915

I wouldn't call this a "disaster" but I'd be really fucking annoyed with her. Who does that? Even if you chose something that doesn't look good on everyone (e.g. strapless, fit and flare, etc.), she should have talked to you about it.

As annoying as it is, I'd roll with it. Some people even put their MOH in a different color on purpose:

kahluakoala

I agree that this was kind of a dick move on the part of your MOH. And TBH I think she bought it without asking you because she knew you'd say no. BUT it is what it is, and if I had to guess, dress buying was a little stressful for her. As @southernbelle0915 points out the purposeful different MOH is kind of a look and will probably end up looking like you did it on purpose

kahluakoala

Also - how many BMs do you have and did they get their dresses yet? If not, it may be worth just telling them they can have a little more leeway now so you get a full mismatched party instead of one different maid

MissKittyDanger

When I was MOH for my Bff's wedding, I couldn't find the same dress {non-designer, just a normal store} I snapped a few photos of myself in a couple similar dresses and sent them to her.

She was cool with it, but I felt etiquette-wise it was just good to at least let her know that I couldn't find the same dress.

Like a few others mentioned, it looked intentional and I'm sure it'll still flow nicely

MairePoppy

I'd also be annoyed. Your MOH should have told you that she was having trouble finding a dress. She must be a good friend, though, if you chose her as your MOH. I'd let it go.

Did you discuss the dress budget before you chose a dress? Could the cost of the dress be the reason MOH chose another dress?

MyNameIsNot

I was in a wedding once where something similar happened. The bride chose a color and line and told everyone to order from it. She didn't ask us for any opinions or discuss budget. Two of the BMs went shopping together, and found that the line didn't come in plus size, which one needed. They chose what they thought was a very similar color and ordered without saying anything to the bride. (The BM would have been mortified to have the bride telling everyone that we needed to change our dress orders because of her size.) When we got to the day of the wedding, you could tell that the colors were different. 

They wedding went on just fine. No one cared that we were in two different shades and it was still lovely. Yes, this MOH probably should have said something about it to the bride before ordering, but there may have been a reason to choose something different (price, size, flattery, etc) and it might not have been something she felt comfortable bringing up with OP or being shared with the rest of the WP. It's not going to ruin the wedding, and it's worth giving her the benefit of the doubt. 

PrettyGirlLost

MyNameIsNot said:

I was in a wedding once where something similar happened. The bride chose a color and line and told everyone to order from it. She didn't ask us for any opinions or discuss budget. Two of the BMs went shopping together, and found that the line didn't come in plus size, which one needed. They chose what they thought was a very similar color and ordered without saying anything to the bride. (The BM would have been mortified to have the bride telling everyone that we needed to change our dress orders because of her size.) When we got to the day of the wedding, you could tell that the colors were different. 

They wedding went on just fine. No one cared that we were in two different shades and it was still lovely. Yes, this MOH probably should have said something about it to the bride before ordering, but there may have been a reason to choose something different (price, size, flattery, etc) and it might not have been something she felt comfortable bringing up with OP or being shared with the rest of the WP. It's not going to ruin the wedding, and it's worth giving her the benefit of the doubt. 

This is why I strongly, strongly encourage brides to please get away from this 1980's worldview of matchy matchy  BM dresses and to please just let your BMs pick their own dresses.

Dictate the color(s) and hemlines if you want, but please trust your closest friends and family members to choose their own dresses that will look flattering on them individually.

After doing the MoH/BM thing for literally over a dozen weddings now, and having a closet full of overpriced dresses I wasn't thrilled to be wearing, I would never do it again unless the bride let me choose my own dress.

It's my money and body, I'd like to feel comfortable and look good in front of everyone, even if it's your wedding.

ShesSoCold

PrettyGirlLost said:

MyNameIsNot said:

I was in a wedding once where something similar happened. The bride chose a color and line and told everyone to order from it. She didn't ask us for any opinions or discuss budget. Two of the BMs went shopping together, and found that the line didn't come in plus size, which one needed. They chose what they thought was a very similar color and ordered without saying anything to the bride. (The BM would have been mortified to have the bride telling everyone that we needed to change our dress orders because of her size.) When we got to the day of the wedding, you could tell that the colors were different. 

They wedding went on just fine. No one cared that we were in two different shades and it was still lovely. Yes, this MOH probably should have said something about it to the bride before ordering, but there may have been a reason to choose something different (price, size, flattery, etc) and it might not have been something she felt comfortable bringing up with OP or being shared with the rest of the WP. It's not going to ruin the wedding, and it's worth giving her the benefit of the doubt. 

This is why I strongly, strongly encourage brides to please get away from this 1980's worldview of matchy matchy  BM dresses and to please just let your BMs pick their own dresses.

Dictate the color(s) and hemlines if you want, but please trust your closest friends and family members to choose their own dresses that will look flattering on them individually.

After doing the MoH/BM thing for literally over a dozen weddings now, and having a closet full of overpriced dresses I wasn't thrilled to be wearing, I would never do it again unless the bride let me choose my own dress.

It's my money and body, I'd like to feel comfortable and look good in front of everyone, even if it's your wedding.

I don't know why but all I can think of Dream Phone and "He looks good in whatever he wears. But he's not wearing X".

PrettyGirlLost

Hahaha!

MissKittyDanger

PrettyGirlLost said:

MyNameIsNot said:

I was in a wedding once where something similar happened. The bride chose a color and line and told everyone to order from it. She didn't ask us for any opinions or discuss budget. Two of the BMs went shopping together, and found that the line didn't come in plus size, which one needed. They chose what they thought was a very similar color and ordered without saying anything to the bride. (The BM would have been mortified to have the bride telling everyone that we needed to change our dress orders because of her size.) When we got to the day of the wedding, you could tell that the colors were different. 

They wedding went on just fine. No one cared that we were in two different shades and it was still lovely. Yes, this MOH probably should have said something about it to the bride before ordering, but there may have been a reason to choose something different (price, size, flattery, etc) and it might not have been something she felt comfortable bringing up with OP or being shared with the rest of the WP. It's not going to ruin the wedding, and it's worth giving her the benefit of the doubt. 

This is why I strongly, strongly encourage brides to please get away from this 1980's worldview of matchy matchy  BM dresses and to please just let your BMs pick their own dresses.

Dictate the color(s) and hemlines if you want, but please trust your closest friends and family members to choose their own dresses that will look flattering on them individually.

After doing the MoH/BM thing for literally over a dozen weddings now, and having a closet full of overpriced dresses I wasn't thrilled to be wearing, I would never do it again unless the bride let me choose my own dress.

It's my money and body, I'd like to feel comfortable and look good in front of everyone, even if it's your wedding.

I disagree - TO A DEGREE.

You can have matching, but also be mindful of your BM's. I've mentioned this before, by my girls matched in basically "little black dress" {with a red ribbon I paid for separately}
After talking to everyone about budget, I steered clear of bridal shops {they looked the day they saw my dress}

We all discussed about stores and then I requested each girl to check the sizing the stores had on their site to see which they would feel comfortable with. I mentioned to them they didn't need to tell anyone, just ensure they were comfortable with the sizing the stores had since often stores are just weird sizing.

We got lucky. They loved the dresses they chose {all the same in the end} but would I have been upset if they all had black dresses in different styles? Not even close.

flantastic

MissKittyDanger said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

MyNameIsNot said:

I was in a wedding once where something similar happened. The bride chose a color and line and told everyone to order from it. She didn't ask us for any opinions or discuss budget. Two of the BMs went shopping together, and found that the line didn't come in plus size, which one needed. They chose what they thought was a very similar color and ordered without saying anything to the bride. (The BM would have been mortified to have the bride telling everyone that we needed to change our dress orders because of her size.) When we got to the day of the wedding, you could tell that the colors were different. 

They wedding went on just fine. No one cared that we were in two different shades and it was still lovely. Yes, this MOH probably should have said something about it to the bride before ordering, but there may have been a reason to choose something different (price, size, flattery, etc) and it might not have been something she felt comfortable bringing up with OP or being shared with the rest of the WP. It's not going to ruin the wedding, and it's worth giving her the benefit of the doubt. 

This is why I strongly, strongly encourage brides to please get away from this 1980's worldview of matchy matchy  BM dresses and to please just let your BMs pick their own dresses.

Dictate the color(s) and hemlines if you want, but please trust your closest friends and family members to choose their own dresses that will look flattering on them individually.

After doing the MoH/BM thing for literally over a dozen weddings now, and having a closet full of overpriced dresses I wasn't thrilled to be wearing, I would never do it again unless the bride let me choose my own dress.

It's my money and body, I'd like to feel comfortable and look good in front of everyone, even if it's your wedding.

I disagree - TO A DEGREE.

You can have matching, but also be mindful of your BM's. I've mentioned this before, by my girls matched in basically "little black dress" {with a red ribbon I paid for separately}
After talking to everyone about budget, I steered clear of bridal shops {they looked the day they saw my dress}

We all discussed about stores and then I requested each girl to check the sizing the stores had on their site to see which they would feel comfortable with. I mentioned to them they didn't need to tell anyone, just ensure they were comfortable with the sizing the stores had since often stores are just weird sizing.

We got lucky. They loved the dresses they chose {all the same in the end} but would I have been upset if they all had black dresses in different styles? Not even close.

I'm not sure what there is to disagree with, per se. PGL wasn't saying you can't match, as that is a current expectation of bridal parties - just that she strongly encourages people not to care and to change that expectation, because really, in retrospect what my BMs were wearing didn't matter in any real way whatsoever.

My BMs were happy with our same color/different dress setup, but if I did it over again, I wouldn't ask them to buy anything specific at all. Me getting married just isn't a real reason for them to have to do that.

Now, in OP's case, I can understand why she's upset, as the MOH agreed to one thing and then didn't do it, possibly also for legitimate reasons. But it's a very minor thing and should be treated as such. If one follows PGL's recommendation, this issue never would have existed.

PrettyGirlLost

flantastic said:

MissKittyDanger said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

MyNameIsNot said:

I was in a wedding once where something similar happened. The bride chose a color and line and told everyone to order from it. She didn't ask us for any opinions or discuss budget. Two of the BMs went shopping together, and found that the line didn't come in plus size, which one needed. They chose what they thought was a very similar color and ordered without saying anything to the bride. (The BM would have been mortified to have the bride telling everyone that we needed to change our dress orders because of her size.) When we got to the day of the wedding, you could tell that the colors were different. 

They wedding went on just fine. No one cared that we were in two different shades and it was still lovely. Yes, this MOH probably should have said something about it to the bride before ordering, but there may have been a reason to choose something different (price, size, flattery, etc) and it might not have been something she felt comfortable bringing up with OP or being shared with the rest of the WP. It's not going to ruin the wedding, and it's worth giving her the benefit of the doubt. 

This is why I strongly, strongly encourage brides to please get away from this 1980's worldview of matchy matchy  BM dresses and to please just let your BMs pick their own dresses.

Dictate the color(s) and hemlines if you want, but please trust your closest friends and family members to choose their own dresses that will look flattering on them individually.

After doing the MoH/BM thing for literally over a dozen weddings now, and having a closet full of overpriced dresses I wasn't thrilled to be wearing, I would never do it again unless the bride let me choose my own dress.

It's my money and body, I'd like to feel comfortable and look good in front of everyone, even if it's your wedding.

I disagree - TO A DEGREE.

You can have matching, but also be mindful of your BM's. I've mentioned this before, by my girls matched in basically "little black dress" {with a red ribbon I paid for separately}
After talking to everyone about budget, I steered clear of bridal shops {they looked the day they saw my dress}

We all discussed about stores and then I requested each girl to check the sizing the stores had on their site to see which they would feel comfortable with. I mentioned to them they didn't need to tell anyone, just ensure they were comfortable with the sizing the stores had since often stores are just weird sizing.

We got lucky. They loved the dresses they chose {all the same in the end} but would I have been upset if they all had black dresses in different styles? Not even close.

I'm not sure what there is to disagree with, per se. PGL wasn't saying you can't match, as that is a current expectation of bridal parties - just that she strongly encourages people not to care and to change that expectation, because really, in retrospect what my BMs were wearing didn't matter in any real way whatsoever.

My BMs were happy with our same color/different dress setup, but if I did it over again, I wouldn't ask them to buy anything specific at all. Me getting married just isn't a real reason for them to have to do that.

Now, in OP's case, I can understand why she's upset, as the MOH agreed to one thing and then didn't do it, possibly also for legitimate reasons. But it's a very minor thing and should be treated as such. If one follows PGL's recommendation, this issue never would have existed.

Right! 

I guess I wasn't clear, but the matchy matchy I was referring to is when all the BMs are in the exact same dress in the exact same color.  That just doesn't work for everyone.  

5 girls of different heights and builds are not going to look universally flattering in the exact same silhouette.  More importantly, 5 girls with different personal styles and preferences aren't going to feel universally comfortable in the exact same silhouette.