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Wedding Woes

More 1%-er probs...

Dear Prudence,

My family is wealthy, and I am the only person in my social circle who isn’t up to the ears in student loans. I cover the lion’s share of rent and utilities at our house; I also drive my friends most places since I am the only one with a highway-capable car. I think some of my roommates are taking advantage of me but don’t know how to talk about it. I suffer from severe social anxiety and am not very verbally fluent. If I protest when one of my friends is late on rent again after I covered them last month, they gang up and lecture me about how lucky and privileged I am and how lousy it is to “nickel and dime” them when I have so much spending money from my parents. I don’t have that much spending money! Yes, I am getting support from my parents but not enough to pay for an entire house and car and other people’s living expenses! I budget. I plan. I am fine helping with an unexpected disaster, but not paying the rent every month. These girls are the first real friends I have made in ages and I don’t want to lose them … but I don’t want them if they aren’t real. How do I tell the difference?

—Too Rich

Re: More 1%-er probs...

  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Move out on your own.
    I was about to say this too. If they get angry and accuse you of doing it on purpose to make their lives harder, well, there’s your answer LW. 


    image
    mrsconn23ShesSoColdcharlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    If someone is that wealthy (not necessarily a 1% er), why are they living with roommates to begin with, I wonder? Move out. Living alone is the best. Maybe they thought it was better for safety, but heck, I moved alone into a studio in a doorman building in Chicago when I was 22 and entry level. It can be done even without being wealthy. 
    ________________________________


    short+sassyOliveOilsMomahoywedding
  • Well they're probably not real friends if they're not respecting you when you tell them you can't pay for their rent. 
    sparklepants41
  • What I keep getting stuck on is "my family is wealthy" - why do people assume that families well off will mean the kids are? I mean, yes generally they are but still ....

    and why did LW originally agree to themself to pay for the bulk of things?


    LW needs to move.
    <a href="https://babysizer.com/geeky"><img src="https://babysizer.com/geeky-2018-06-08.jpg" alt="Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker"></a>
    mrsconn23thisismynickname2
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    What I keep getting stuck on is "my family is wealthy" - why do people assume that families well off will mean the kids are? I mean, yes generally they are but still ....

    Yeah, this! Some parents who are well off specifically won't support their kids because they believe in self-sufficiency. 
    ________________________________


    MissKittyDanger
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited March 8
    DH's family was very wealthy.  They never gave us any money or help.  Now that they are gone and he inherited, it feels weird.  We haven't changed our lifestyle in any way.  God Bless the Child who's got his own.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    short+sassyOliveOilsMomInLoveInQueens
  • Unfortunately for LW these don’t sound like “real friends”.  I’d see a counselor to help with the anxiety and also to learn how to speak up for myself.  Even if she moves out when the lease is up (which she should do), she won’t want the friends following her to the new place, still using the car, etc.
    short+sassy
  • mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,

    My family is wealthy, and I am the only person in my social circle who isn’t up to the ears in student loans. I cover the lion’s share of rent and utilities at our house; I also drive my friends most places since I am the only one with a highway-capable car. I think some of my roommates are taking advantage of me but don’t know how to talk about it. I suffer from severe social anxiety and am not very verbally fluent. If I protest when one of my friends is late on rent again after I covered them last month, they gang up and lecture me about how lucky and privileged I am and how lousy it is to “nickel and dime” them when I have so much spending money from my parents. I don’t have that much spending money! Yes, I am getting support from my parents but not enough to pay for an entire house and car and other people’s living expenses! I budget. I plan. I am fine helping with an unexpected disaster, but not paying the rent every month. These girls are the first real friends I have made in ages and I don’t want to lose them … but I don’t want them if they aren’t real. How do I tell the difference?

    —Too Rich

    LW needs to GROW A BACKBONE!!  The LW has unfortunately put themself in this situation, probably because of the severe social anxiety.

    I don't care if he/she won $500M in the Powerball.  Their money is not their friend's money.  Period.  These "friends" hugely suck that they even think this.

    LW needs to have a house meeting that everyone's obligation is X,Y,Z and there are no more "interest free" loans.  Hopefully everything is already in writing, if not, then prepare a roommate agreement that everyone needs to sign or GTFO.  And that the LW will not hear one more word about their privilege and "nickel and diming".  Because grown-ass adults need to take care of themselves, students or not.

    Really, though, if they are all on a month-to-month, I'd give a 30-day notice to the roomies that I'm out of there and get my own place or start over with other people.  It's very difficult to change people's behavior.

    As a landlady, this letter especially hits a nerve with me.  I have two tenants who, although they've never said it that bluntly, have that kind of attitude with me.  Neither of whom have worked f/t for much of their adult life.  Because I'm sure it's a lot easier to see me as this "rich chick getting all this money" (I'm so not).  When, in reality, there are substantial costs to own a property.  And I have worked my ASS off my whole adult life.  Usually with both a f/t and p/t job, so I could be working for myself before I'm 50.

    But, unfortunately, with the draconian landlord-tenant laws our country has, I can't "turn off their service" until they pay.  Short of a 5-6 week eviction process.  They do pay, but it's always a struggle and they're always 1-2 weeks late.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    eileenrobInLoveInQueens
  • What I keep getting stuck on is "my family is wealthy" - why do people assume that families well off will mean the kids are? I mean, yes generally they are but still ....

    Yeah, this! Some parents who are well off specifically won't support their kids because they believe in self-sufficiency. 
    I feel your sig of Rory and Logan proves your response also ;)
    <a href="https://babysizer.com/geeky"><img src="https://babysizer.com/geeky-2018-06-08.jpg" alt="Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker"></a>
    thisismynickname2
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited March 8
    Stop paying for everything and using your car.  See what that does.  That'll show you if they're real friends or not.

    Sounds like LW is the person responsible for paying the rent too?  Switch roles right away.  "starting now 'so and so' will submit the rent.  I will give my portion to 'so and so' as everyone is expected to do".

    I was curious about that also.

    Is everyone on the lease?  In just the LW's name?  In someone else's name?

    If the first two, that could be a problem for LW.  One would hope these people would "magically" find their portion of the rent when the LW stops with their b.s., shorts the rent, and a Pay or Quit notice is posted on the door by the property owner/manager.

    I'm going to assume a typical roommate situation.  They're all on the lease.  They're all jointly and severally (sp?) liable.  If they don't pay up and if even one person refuses to leave...the whole lot of them will be evicted and have a small claims judgement levied against all of them.  Small claims judgement doesn't get paid?  Most property owners will send it to collections.  It can become really ugly stuff for (I'm assuming) young adults just starting out in life.

    In some jurisdictions, an eviction never drops off your public record, though it's my impression most jurisdictions are more like 7-10 years.  Any collections will torpedo a person's credit score and won't drop off for 7 years.

    Short story long, lol.  The LW is taking a lot of risk having these roommates if he/she cares about their own credit score/eviction record and the roommates don't care about theirs. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • kerbohl said:
    So I'm trying to put myself in these roommates shoes here. I'm late on the rent, and LW comes to me and asks (I assume politely) if I can pay my fair share. The only response that seems legitimate is "I am so sorry I am late, I will get it to you". Taking advantage of someone, and using the other roommates to GANG UP ON THEM, is so very, very wrong.  Do these other roommates legitimately feel justified in this response - "Oh, you are rich, you can pay". Really? This isn't how the world works - you don't just guilt trip people you feel are richer than you and expect good things to happen. I can't get over what jerks they are! 
    Bolded.
    Andplusalso just because someone CAN pay for it, doesn't mean they should
    <a href="https://babysizer.com/geeky"><img src="https://babysizer.com/geeky-2018-06-08.jpg" alt="Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker"></a>
    short+sassysouthernbelle0915
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